Food addiction and Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving.  For those of us who suffer from food addiction, it really is a horrible holiday.  I have tried to not like it, though, but I cannot.  I just like to have fun and make a rice krispie treat turkey and drink wine.  I don't know.  Just something about the day.  I am planning to try to be good.  We will see how far that gets me.  I have been doing well.  The other day, I actually forgot to eat lunch.  Talk about progress.  That was the first time it ever happened in my entire life.

Beautiful

So my hubby asked me last night if I ever felt beautiful. I really had to think.  Certainly not on my wedding day.  Definitely not at the senior prom.  I HATED my hair.  My mother rolled it.  It looked ok.  My dress was pretty, though, and it fit really well.  An added bonus is that I can still fit into it!  I felt beautiful at the junior prom.  The irony is that I was in a $30 dress.  I was very thin and knew it!!  I felt beautiful while wearing a light blue sequin dress with cut outs this past summer.  Yes, that night I felt great!  So few moments, though.  It got me thinking if that was just me or the legacy left by my mother who would often tell me in high school that people would make remarks about my "thunder thighs" in my cheer leading skirts.  She would do it under the premise that she was worried I would hear someone, but, of course, the only person I ever heard make that remark was her.  I wonder what she would say now if she saw me in a bikini.  My guess is that she would analyze the somewhat excessive skin around my waist and tell me that I needed a one piece.  The thing I realized last night is that when I look in the mirror, I hear her voice telling me every negative comment she could possibly come up with.  Every time.  Every now and then I will see a picture of myself and think, "God I am thin and pretty."  That is not what I see in the mirror, though.  My mind pics apart the skin around my middle or the skin hanging on my thighs.  Those are things no matter what I do, I can never get rid of.  I used to weigh over 200 pounds.  Skin does not recover from that.  Nor does it recover from 3 pregnancies, not completely anyways.  Sometimes I just want to tell that voice to shut the F up.  I feel the same way when I see my mother now.  She tells me now, of course that I am a size four to six how pretty I am.  It is too late.  Much, much too late.  There are too many years of that voice picking every thing about my appearance apart to ever recover from it so I sit here feeling inferior to every woman, feeling like my hubby will find someone else so much more attractive than I am and simply walk away, and feeling scared and tired and ugly.  I have promised myself not to do the same damage to my daughter.  I hope I will not.  I don't want her looking in the mirror at 30-something and picking apart everything about herself.  I don't want her to ever have that voice.

Universe 2. Tiffy 0

So my son has a stomach virus.  So do I.  I get it.  This is the real reason why the universe changed plans & kept me from running the marathon Sat.  I guess I should feel better but I had a wonderful day of leisure planned that I desperately needed.  Here I sit awake because I cannot sleep.  My son will be home tomorrow too.  I do feel so bad for him.  The universe clearly wins this round.

Interesting & true

In this book I am reading, it says, "People enter into marriage with a longing that their partners will tend to their wounds & not throw salt in them.". That being said, it got me thinking about what my hubby's wounds from his youth are.  As much as I say I know people, I am having a hard time figuring that one out.  Is it related to the fact that he never dated or the way his mother made him "man of the house" or his father's absence or  the lack of support he felt growing up?  He seems so confident & put together most of the time so as I sit here, I cannot help but wonder what wound he brings to us.  I know there is one but what is it?  I am very self aware to the point where therapists comment on that like it is a bad thing so I know full well the myriad of wounds with which he has to manage each day that come from me.  But what about his...  Do I already know?  I tend to not fight fair so I might be able to identify by looking at the insults I lobb his way during fights. Tough one.  I am not sure I really know.  Need to think more.

Upper hand.

I am a total dope in so many ways.  I really need some help.  Something is really wrong with me.  I am always working trying to figure out the best way to keep everyone at a distance.  Why?  So many things run through my head to get closer to people but I cannot tell them.  My mouth will not allow the words to come out.  It is so sad.  I want to love deeply and be loved deeply, but my mind will not allow it.  Too much self-preservation, I suppose.  Why can't I let go.  I want to but I cannot.  Something is holding me back.  What is it?  Why can't I get close to people?  Is my sense of trust that destroyed?

I was going to do it

I was.  I was ready.  26.2 miles.  I was going to do it.  The whole going down to the half thing was a mind game.  I knew it, but I had convinced myself it would work.  I knew it was too late to go down to the half.  It does not matter anymore, though.  I am not running the marathon.  I will not ever likely run a marathon.  I always thought if I gave up running before or during the marathon it would be because of me and that scared me.  Well, as it turns out not so much.  So I move on.  Honestly, I am so tired of being the sturdy, steady chick.  When do I get to break or fall down or really have my time?  Never.  It never happens and it never comes.  For once in my life, I wanted to do something amazing and spectacular and have it be all about me.  Even my own wedding day was not about me.  It was about the freaking weather.  I have never had a moment that was truly about me.  Here I am 37 years old and that has never happened.  No birth of any of my children have been that way.  That may be hard to believe, but it is the truth.  So when is my turn?  Do some of us never get a turn and that is just how it is?  I am starting to believe that is the case.  I really do.  So I go back to being sturdy and hardy and strong just like I am expected to be.  Sturdy with limitless capacity and perfect.  All of these are supposed to be compliments.  Trust me.  They are curses.  It is amazing the expectations we set on people early and how we always expect those to say the same so much so that it never changes.  By the way, someone who is sturdy and strong and hardy is like a stone...and then you wonder why that person seems devoid of emotions.  In order to be strong and sturdy and hardy, that is what has to happen.  It just does.

I actually smiled today while running.

So the dream of the marathon is over for now.  Today while running the 2 hours and 30 minutes I set out to do, I realized how much I disliked running.  It had become a burden and a big one and I do not need any more burdens.  It started to overwhelm, all of the hours training.  I do not need anything else to overwhelm me with everything going on at work.  I started to hate running, and I do not want to hate running.  I have gained 10 pounds.   I am running more than I ever have before, and I have gained 10 pounds.  I started running to lose weight.  Yes, I am not ashamed to admit it.  It started because I was overweight and wanted to continue to lose weight.  You see, I have never been an athlete.  I was a cheerleader.  Then I got to college and gained the College 15 and kept on going.  I lost over 70 pounds when I was 26.  I dabbled a little in running then, but not much.  Then I had my kids and gained 20 pounds back and started running.  I ran a few races and kept going.  I ended up losing over 30 pounds and was the thinnest I had ever been.  I stayed that way for a long, long time.  Sure my weight has fluctuated some by 5-10 pounds.  After my surgery, I was up 5 pounds but lost it when I returned to running.  Last year, I decided to try a half marathon saying that I would never run a full because of the damage it does to your body and the time commitment.  I work more than full time and am raising two young children.  Time is very limited for me.  Then last December, I had it in my mind that I needed to fight fear because my mother is so afraid of so much and that I was afraid to run that marathon.  What I have learned this summer is that I was not afraid of running 26 miles.  I have no issues attempting to run over 20 miles.  I have run 23 miles plus.  I knew that marathon training takes time and extra time is something of which I have little to give.  (For those of you who might argue, I am up at 4:15a to workout most days.  Trust me, my time is limited.) 
Today, I decided that the marathon is not for me.  The continued training is too much.  Sure I could finish the marathon at this point, but I hate running and that is not worth it to me.  When I made that decision, the second half of my run got a whole hell of a lot easier.  I actually smiled today while running more than a few times.  I ran 15 miles and found the inner strength to sprint at the end, something that would have been much more difficult last week.  Running no longer seems like a chore and running this next weekend will not be a burden because if I decide all that I have the strength for is 6 miles, so be it.  The pressure is gone.  I learned that I need to get back to basics and to lose weight again, I need to run, but I can go the distance my mind can handle.  I am going to see the nutrition person my therapist recommended.  She deal with athletes and those with eating disorders.  I have struggled during this training with what to eat so I have eaten more than I should, I believe.  Not good.  Not good. 

5 weeks to go and

not sure what to do.  I could only get through 18 miles today.  Am I ready for the marathon?  5 weeks until it is here and I am not sure that I can do it.  I have run 22 miles before and just 3 weeks ago, but still.  I am not sure if I can mentally soldier through the physical hardship.  Work has just taken over.  The hubby and my BFF both think I can, but what if I cannot.  My fear is that they are wrong.  Had I known in December last year that I would have had to work through 3 station purchases this year and 2 of those coming less than 60 days prior to the marathon along with learning a new traffic system, I never would have signed up for it.  I would have known better.  Where does that leave me today?  I feel like if I go down to half then I am letting everyone at work down.  My staff is ready to cheer me on.  I do not know what to do.

The universe is telling me something, I think

I just have yet to figure out what the hell it is.  I keep wondering how I ended up here.  How did I end up here?  I am a blame person and a self blame person at that so it has to be my fault, right?  I did this.  Did I make it too easy?  Do I spoil those around me by being the "yes, I will take care of it girl" and always accommodating everyone else at all costs to myself?  I come from folks who say things like "trudge on" or "keep going" or "it will make you stronger."  That is all fine and dandy, but that does not allow you the moment to stop and judge if this what you really want or if this is what is really best for your heart, soul, and even health.  What does it say that every now and then I have the urge to chuck myself down the stairs so I can rest in a hospital for a week?  I keep telling myself that I have come too far to go back but when is enough!

Desperate times?

I am currently in the most challenging time of my professional career and that is saying a lot considering how much I went through back in 2000 when I started this job.  I have worked 55-60 hours per week for the last 3 weeks.  I am drained.  The running is suffering, of course,  as is my diet.  The two go hand in hand so it just has me feeling more beat down.  I keep telling myself that I just need to make it until Oct 15 and the dust will start to settle.  I am counting down the days....
I have to do a long run next week or I am not sure that the marathon is in my future.  Work has been so stressful that the running is suffering.  I am not sure that next Sun will be any different from today considering that this next week is going to very much be a challenge.  I just hope for the best.  The problem is that my hope is waning. 

Shedding

My good friend from work, K, has a mother very much like mine.  We often laugh that they are sisters separated at birth.  Trust me, it is a definite possibility.  Much of both of their youths was shrouded in secrecy.  They are pretty much the same woman.  Last week she was talking about the layers in her hair, and she said, "As we shed what our mothers taught us...."  It got me thinking how true it is that both K and I have shed so much of that crap and how much more there is to shed.  I don't know.  I guess I thought that "shedding" was a very apt description for what she and I do with what was forced upon us that was so wrong in so many ways.  I have definitely shed a lot.  So much more to go, though.
My run today started out good.  I was ready for 23.  My stubbornness did me in, though.  I was determined to stay out and finish the 23 in the humid heat with the sun beating down on me.  At mile 20, I hit the wall, a wall that I had previously said that I do not understand.  How funny is that!  I walked the last half mile home at a slow pace.  I feel ok physically.  Yes, I am worn out but nothing but my foot hurts and that is a win.  I decided today that I am saving the full 26 for the actual race.  I had previously thought I would do 27 before just so I knew I could do it.  Having done 22 once and 20 a few times, I know I can do it.  I want to save that victory of 26.2 for race day. I want to finish and feel on top of the world.  It hurts to run over 15 miles so any distance over that is exhausting in so many ways.  You are just spent at the end, but the exhilaration that comes from finishing any distance over 18 is too complicated to explain.  It is so satisfying at the same time that is exhausting beyond belief.  Good times, and today was a good run despite hitting the wall.  I would still call it a victory.  Considering how much I had going on this week at work, it is a huge victory.
This week I had to tell my husband how much I appreciated the work he is doing on himself to better our relationship.  It was so hard.  How funny is that?  I give positive feedback at work all day every day, but when it comes to telling the person I love most how much I appreciate what they are doing to help us, I struggle.  I blurted it out as quickly as I could because it was so uncomfortable.  I wonder if it will ever be easier.  I'll have to ask Dr. Mc. 
Hopefully cooler am's lie ahead.  It will help with the running.  I am sitting outside now to enjoy what are my dwindling warm evenings.  Halloween is coming up, though, and who cannot get on board with a holiday that is about candy and just fun.  No pressure of presents.  Just fun. 
I told someone earlier this week why I always read the first part of a book and then the last part of a book to start.  For me, it is all about the journey of how the book gets from the start to finish.  I have the same theory about sex, but that is another story.  The thing is that for me, it is all about the journey or path.  (Journey is overused these days.  I hate to use it because of that!)  Pretty much we know how life starts and we know how it ends, but the journey is what matters and that is the best part.  So exciting in so many ways and so scary in others.  I have vowed to not let my fear take over.  I know I will start the marathon and I know I will finish it, but it is the 4.5 hours of running in between that I waiting and that is waiting for me.  Same thing with life so I am trying to stop sprinting through it so much. 

Hope

That pretty much says it all.  Normally this time of year, I am finding a fall funk so to speak, but for the first time in a long time I feel some hope that maybe just maybe I can get back to some normalcy.  My hubby made the comment yesterday about what a great summer it has been.  Yes, it has been wonderful in so many ways, but it has been horrible in others.  My eating disorder has reared its ugly head again.  I knew one day it would come calling for me.  I feared that from time to time but never dwelt on it.  Now I fear it because it is here watching me every day and calling to me.  So why do I have hope.  I did not feel it reaching for me waiting not so patiently to see the first signs where it could pull me in.  My hubby helped that some and for the first time in a long time, I did not feel so alone.  Most days I cannot fight it and I need help.  I am horrible about asking for help, but I did this time.  He helped.  I need that right now.  I will not need it forever, but for now, I need help.  I had forgotten what a struggle it is and how the disease is always there waiting and how once it sees a crack to get in, it does what it can to work its way in.  I will not forget that again. 
I have hope again that this fall will be good.  Maybe the weather will not be as warm as I would like and maybe I will have bouts of depression when I cannot go outside without freezing my baguettes off, but I can get through it and the routine of life will be good for me.  It is what I need right now to cope.  I will miss the beach, though, and pine away to be there.  I never really got to go into the ocean that much this year.  I cannot really go out there with the kids.  They are still too little, and the water was too rough when the hubby and I were there alone.  I will miss halter tops.  (You bet I am wearing one today since it will be 92 and those days are going away quickly.)  I will miss Water Country and the water show, of course.  I will miss long runs in the heat, believe it or not.  I will miss walking around Busch Gardens with the kids and playing games with them.  I probably will not miss the 4000 stuffed animals they insist on getting from those games.  I will miss my son's enthusiasm in riding the mini rollercoaster.  I will miss teasing my husband about running away with Dan Kelly.  I will miss riding my bike in the early am as the sun comes up, and I will miss the wonderful feeling that only comes from running as the world is waking up on a hot summer day.  I am thankful, though, to feel some peace today, peace that only comes from the hope that maybe I can cope.  Peace that comes from knowing that I can finish my marathon in Nov.  I know I can. 

Time

Getting to the end of the summer.  I start to get depressed.  Another year gone.  Why does time move so fast?  In the winter, I guess that I do not mind so much, but in the summer, it haunts me.  What is worse is that this summer I have not taken care of myself.  Old bad habits have come calling.  Of course, I let them in like old friends.  It is hard.  I have make changes and I know it, but I always have a reason not to.  I am terrified of getting fat.  Terrified and I cannot figure out for the life of me why I cannot get myself into this one last area of just living and taking it as far as I can.  Why is food such a comfort for me?  I hate food.  I do.  I hate it.  I hate eating.  I hate the urge to eat and I hate my favorite foods.  I hate that when I tell people I need to lose weight they get all mad at me.  What is wrong with wanting to be a little smaller?  I am in the upper number of a normal bmi so why shouldn't I try to lose weight?  Haven't studies shown that thinner people live longer?  I am not in any danger of becoming anorexic.  I do not get it.  I guess that is part of it.  I cannot really talk to anyone about my desire to lose weight and be healthier.  I get the "Oh you can eat that because you are thin."  I am thin because I do not eat it, but I dig in anyways.  I sometimes feel like the world wants to fatten me up....hubby included.  Sorry, Babe, but it is true.  It is not your fault.  It is how society is wired today.  We always want food because it is fast and easy.  In any event, I am going to try to find an OA meeting around here so maybe I can rid myself of the binging and mindless eating.  Fat chance, but at this point, I am desperate. 
Best to my hubby today.  I know you will do great!  I am so proud of you.

Sad to leave

Last trip to the beach & getting ready to leave. Always makes me sad. I want to go back & start the summer over.  It has been wonderful.  This summer has had a lot of ups & downs but every moment has been real.

Back from vacation and depressed

I love the beach.  I know my hometown beach is not a fancy beach or one of the best beaches in the world.  (I get sick of people saying that when I mention where we vacation especially when they LIVE there!!)  It is a beach, though.  How bad can it be?  I love the beach.  I love being there.  I love everything about it.  It is me.  My hubby says that and he is so right.  I love the fact that there is something always going on and the water and the sand that I hate even.  I want to go back and do it all over.  I am a better person at the beach.  That is probably why I prefer to be there.  I go and I come back depressed.  I don't want to go back to my real life with work.  I want my family there with me so it is not about them. 
I wanted to say too that I meet the nicest people at the beach.  We have met most of the hotel staff where we stay and they are amazing.  We were lucky enough to meet a very kind gentleman from Turkey.  He is so kind and super hard working.  He goes back home in September.  My son adores him and truly believes we will see him again next year.  How do I tell a 7 year old that he met this man for the last time this past week?  It got me thinking and wondering if we would ever hear from him again and if we wanted to, how would we hear from him again?  Facebook?  Is it time for me to get on?  I would hate it, but I would do it to keep in touch with our friend. 
I am pretty much going vegetarian.  I am still only about a third of the way through The China Study, but it is compelling clinically speaking.  It is so boring because it is very clinical.  Not my kind of reading. 

Tackle life

Saw that on a shirt yesterday.  Found it inspiring.  I am doing better at just that but not enough.  I did really well w/my eating the last few weeks but this week is tougher, of course.  I make a huge deal about my hubby making me feel sexy & desired but I need to do my part too b/c my eating is a HUGE part of that.  No matter what he tells me, if I feel bloated & gross & know that I have eaten too much, well, it just keeps me from believing anything he says.  I need to work on it b/c I want to feel sexy & wanted all of the time.  Not just in spurts.

Weird episode last night and 18 miles.

I did it.  I felt really good going into it.  Technically, I was only slotted for 17 today, but I really wanted to hit the 18, and I knew that going into it.  Yesterday I felt ready to do the full boat and then at 1a, my son comes into the room saying his stomach hurts.  Not unusual.  He does that when he wants to sleep in our room.  I tell him to go get his blankets.  What does he do?  Goes into the bathroom and throws up all over the toilet seat, plunger, and walls.  I got to spend the next 15 minutes cleaning it up.  That was joyful.  Then my daughter came in about 20 minutes later and said her tummy hurt.  I think I was up until 2a.  I did not want to run this am, but I did.  As I was out, it was painful not physically, but emotionally.  The whole time I wondered how my kids were so I came home and found that both made a miraculous recovery.  I finished my last 9 on the treadmill.  I got all 18 and then some in so I was happy.  Tired but happy.  Running 18 miles takes a toll on you.  I finally laid down after walking around a botanical gardens for an hour and felt better then.  I rode my bike a little tonight to work out some of the soreness.  I am going to be sore tomorrow, but I am ready.  I am a bit disappointed that I did not get all 18 outside, but as soon as I got home today, it was going to rain so I figured it was best to stay in.  Next weekend....19.  All I have to say is yikes!  Ok, make that 19 yikes!!! 
I was 135.8 yesterday and 133.8 today.  I know that the 2 pound loss is water weight so the interesting part will be to see what I weigh tomorrow.  If it is 136 or below, I am happy.  I want to get down to 130 by the end of July.  I am hoping it is doable.  I am working really hard.  Despite the huge calorie output today, I ate my normal calorie count.  It was not that hard.  No one wants to eat after running that far anyways!  Although. fat looks really good to me right now.  I am craving super fatty food.  Tomorrow's peanut butter breakfast should be good.  Lots of fat!
Just saw a beautiful lightning bug.  It is definitely summer!

And the trend continues

So is it the result of summer being here or just taking more control of my life and making better choices.  Good Lord, I hope it is the latter or fall is going to be ROUGH!  This am's breakfast is a nice egg, spinach and onion sandwich.  I desperately need iron so we are eating eggs these days.  I am not getting half of the iron I need each day and now that I have hit 35 miles a week running, I probably need more iron.  So the hubby and I are finally getting our groove back, I think.  He will know what that means.  As I was walking today, I could not help but be a bit bitter that this time last week, I was waking up at the beach.  Granted we were hours away from getting locked out of our room and the hotel folks could not get in either, but that is another story and it did not mar out time there.  Man, I love red onions just a little sauteed.
I get my first bikini wax next week.  That is going to be an interesting experience for sure.  Got the new bikinis too.  I love them! So I made the switch to Larabars.  I eat a nutrition bar once a day.  Most of them have soy as a base and since my hormones seem to have extreme reactions so soy, I usually try to avoid it as much as I can.  It is so much food, though.  I was eating these bars where it was the main ingredient.  Not good.  I started noticing that I was having trouble sleeping at night again.  (Well...as much as I sleep.  As it is post kid, I wake up at least once a night.)  I was up every 2 hours which is a sign that my progesterone is low which means that my estrogen is likely high again so I had to back off the soy products.  The Larabars are good because they are free of soy, but high in protein and have fiber in them.  They are just what I needed.  Thank you, Larabar makers! 
I am way behind on my Runner's World readings so I am still on the April issue.  It has an article about Kara Goucher and Shalane Flanagan.  It talks about how even though they are competitors, they are very good friends and how they train together and spend hours talking while running.  It reminded me of my BFF and I.  First, I get that my BFF and I are no where in the league of these two amazing women.  Second, my BFF and I are not competitive with each other.  We don't care.  It is not about that for us nor should it be.  What spoke to me was the fact that they run and talk.  My BFF and I can do that for hours.  We have done that for hours.  It is just such a nice way to spend a few hours run. 
This week I have 17.  That will translate into about 3 hours of running.  I feel as ready as I think I can.  The bathroom thing worries me, but I can always run home.  Tomorrow is going to be warm so lots of water will be necessary. 
No pool this weekend.  Got to let the hair grow out!

We are definitely in my season

Happy belated Summer Solstice.  Yes, I celebrate it as a holiday.  I had a party at work.  Next year, it is a Saturday and believe me, we will be partying at home.  Summer is me.  It just lifts my mood.  Ok, I suspect that some control over my neurosis is fueling this feeling too, but I am just going with it.  Why not?  I am determined to get down to 131 by the end of July.  I am working on it and it is going ok.  I am not giving numbers right now, but I will once we get closer. 
I loved being at the beach this past weekend.  It felt so much like home, and it was good to be there even with the stresses we had.  The summer and beach just speak to me.  It is just a different world.

Sick and mad

The world colluded against me.  I am too sick to run my 18 miles this am.  I am bummed.  I really wanted to run it today.  I felt ready.  I never feel ready.  Stupid head cold.  I was there today.  Maybe it would have hurt and maybe I would have been tired, but I would have loved it...not every second of it, but I would have loved it.  Next weekend.  A long run next weekend is a bit more difficult, but I want this feeling to continue.  I want to carry it through and go for it.  I don't want to be afraid or worry.  I was neither going into this weekend.  I did try too.  Sometimes running makes you feel better.  Not this am.  After a mile, I bagged it.  I am trying to let it go.  I did end up on a 5k bike ride with the kids, though, so maybe it is an ill win?  Unless I am dying tomorrow, I will walk in the am for a half hour.  Missing today's workout is so tough because I am pretty dedicated these days.  On to tomorrow where hopefully I am on the mend.
I was thinking tonight and we drove home and I think I have asked the question before.  Who is the real me?  Is it the version of the person I am now or is it the person I was 15 years ago?  Who at the core, is me?  I guess that is always the fear...the ultimate fear....what if the real me was that chick from 15 years ago?  How quickly could I fall back into being her?  That was the fear of the bulimia from earlier this week.  I did not know where it might end.  I am still not 100% sure, but a miraculous thing came out of it.  For the last week for the first time in my life, I stop eating when I am full.  Compulsively, I want to keep going.  I want to eat the kids' leftovers, but I don't because I am full and I know that eating those leftovers will just make me feel bad and gross.  Who knows if it will last, but for now, I am hoping it is a change for the better that came out of what was a difficult few days.  No one is perfect and I am not expecting to be that today, anyways.  I am trying to just live here and now.  Yesterday was not always good and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I cannot go back and change the past and I am exhausted from trying to control the future so much. 

Not sure what today's number is

I do not weigh myself on Saturdays.  Yesterday I was 135.6 so that was good.  I will tomorrow before I run.  I have 16 miles tomorrow.  I did it the week before last so I know I can do it.  I might try to throw in an extra mile or two just for chuckles if I feel up to it.
I am really working on moving forward and not looking back.  It tougher but in some ways so much easier.  You don't have the day to day pain and constant questioning.  Harder to do, I guess, but the results are easier to handle if that makes any sense at all.
Dreary day to start.  It is supposed to get better.  I feel much less overwhelmed right now.  Hopefully that continues.  Hard to believe that this time last week, I was starting a half marathon--actually a half hour in.  Crazy!  Glad that am is over!

Progress

136.7 today.  That is despite the fact that I was not too careful with the diet yesterday.  I overslept today too, but was able to recover a part of my workout.  I was proud of myself for getting up and working out even though it was 50 minutes after I was supposed to have gotten up.  I truly slept like a log.  I did not even hear the alarm go off.  I really wanted to stay in bed with my hubby, but I got up and did a 3.45 mile walk/run.  I was glad that I got out of bed.  I knew that if I stayed that I would just feel bad for the rest of the day and that did not work.  I will get the rest of my workout in later today. 
Feeling good today.  Hoping that the binging stays at bay.  I have Crest White Strips to help if I desperate!  I am gearing up for my long Sunday run.  16 miles this week.

Better day

The last 24 hours have been a bit better.  Honestly, one big issue at work was resolved so I feel more in control of that area.  137.1,  Not perfect and today was not a good eating day, but no real binging and no purging at all.  I actually stopped eating dessert tonight after dinner because I was completely full.  Progress there.
I am really working hard at something.  I hope my hubby realizes it.  I feel like we had a total breakthrough last night with a realization I had.  It has helped me understand a bit more. 
Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.  I am at home for part of it which worries me.  Much more likely to binge, but fingers crossed that will not happen.

Diary of a scared, bulimic working mom?

The last 24 hours have been crazy.  I often feel suffocated.  The last 24 hours have been out of control.  I am obsessed with tornadoes.  I always have been so I find it ironic that I feel like things are whirling around me out of control and that is everything.  I feel suffocated by it too like I cannot breathe anymore.  I keep thinking that I have to take control somewhere at some point, but that never seems to happen or it seems like any attempts I make at that, just fail or are short lived. 
The realization that the bulimia is back is hard.  I am having a difficult time dealing with it right now.  I made it through yesterday without purging, but I was not binging at all and there was not really a point for me to binge so there was no trigger.  I wanted to binge, but I was able to hold off.  My head was so foggy today that I did not warm up for my speed run like I normally do.  I just jumped into 8 mph right away.  Normally I do 6mph for a half mile.  Not today.  I just was not thinking right.  Ironically enough, Duran Duran's Ordinary World is playing on my iPod right now.  I hope I can find that ordinary world.  I just do not know what happened in the last 9 months other than life so is it life that has me messed up.  Why now?  I keep asking myself that. 
138.9 pounds.  Better than yesterday so I will take it.  I hit my workout today and yesterday so I am happy.  I will not miss tomorrow since it is a gym day with my BFF.  If I can just keep control of the exercise then maybe I can weather this.  I keep telling myself that.  I hope it is true. 
Fingers crossed that today is another day of recovery and no binging or purging.  I am too old to purge.  My throat is still not quite back to normal.  It will be tomorrow, thankfully.

The start

Today's weight is 138.2.  I love the summer.  I crave it.  We have it this weekend even though it is still early June so I went out and walked.  Some running folks may believe I was better off resting, but I could not resist the lure of the sun coming up at 5a, the warm breeze, and the humidity.  I love it.  Anyone who has been to the beach with me would agree that at heart, I am a beach girl, after all.  I just wanted to work out the kinks from the half yesterday and enjoy these short lived am's that we get so early this time of year.  I am so glad that I did.  My neighbor was getting ready to go for a ride on his bike. We chatted for a sec and then he said, "Have a good run" before he rode off.  Those words actually inspired me to run a little.  Not much.  I walked a mile, ran a mile and walked a mile.  I did not do anything too taxing, but I am glad that I ran a bit.  It felt good and despite the fact that I ran 13 miles yesterday uphill most of the way, I do not feel sore.  The only thing that really hurts are the side of left foot and a toe that will soon turn black.  (Runners know the deal that baby.)  I am making a nice breakfast of "healthy" pancakes.  I have to find some other snack than these Clif bars.  They are really good, but the soy in them will kill me hormonally speaking so I need to look for other alternatives that have low sugar, high fiber and protein. 
I realized last night that the things that my hubby and I need to do to meet in the middle are the things that are the hardest for us due to the exact issues that are the reason why we don't already meet in the middle.  I think we both take significance and find hope that we send out jabs of what the other person needs.  It is progress.  I tend to discount things that are not major changes, but I am learning to appreciate these subtleties. 
Tomorrow's workout...maybe speed run or maybe just a short few miles.  I usually do the speed runs on Tues, but this week I am kind of messed up since I did my long run yesterday.  Honestly, it was nice to have no pressure of a long run today.  It is nice once in a while.  Next weekend is another 16 miles.  I get pretty jazzed about the upper teens.  Just makes me feel strong. 
I want to thank my BFF.  This weekend was significant for me.  I have never done the girls night away or even the girls evening away.  It was nice and it was so nice to just be a friend and not a wife or mother for a bit.  I learned a lot about her and I think she learned a lot more about so thank you, BFF, for everything.  You have enriched my life in ways that I can never really explain.  I admire you so much and enjoy our friendship.  It is a lovely thing to have! 
Off to make "healthy" pancakes.

One half marathon down and maybe another to go...

Not a stellar time today, but it is done.  It was meant to be more fun than anything else anyways.  Happy belated Birthday to my BFF.  This was her birthday trip so we wanted to enjoy it.  Hubby did ok with the kids.  I am actually kind of impressed, but that is another story.  So I lived it up today and had two slices of pizza, onion rings and a beer and half.  Talk about living it up...I never drink. 
Starting tomorrow, I am going on a health run and counting every single freaking calorie and workout.  I warned the hubby.  It may not be too fun for him, but I think he will get used to it.  I cook so I am not sure that he has a choice anyways.  (Love you, Babe.)  I want us to be our best and I think we can accomplish that with some small tweaks in our diet.  It is no secret that I am not very happy with myself, and only I can fix that, right.  Here is what I promise.  Tomorrow am, I weigh myself and post it and keep track at least once per week along with logging my workouts here.  Think it will keep me honest and on track?  We will see.  I do make one more pledge to myself.  The sugar and the candy.  Gone.  I will refrain from the candy.  It is just added sugar and I consume too much sugar as it is so no more candy.  I will do the performance gummies or beans for running the long runs to which I am back next week, but other than that, I am off of it.  No more alcohol either, but I do not really drink anyways. 
In the meantime, my beer was awesome, the pizza tasted so good, and the onion rings were nice and greasy, just the way that they should be and I feel no guilt about any of it...for once.  Tomorrow may bring the guilt, but I am hoping to focus on what I can do going forward instead.

How do I deal with these feelings?

tell me, how do I deal with them?  I am just having trouble making sense of them.  I want a do-over of my 20's.  Yes, I know everyone does, but I really want it. I made so many mistakes and regret so many things now.  I want to go back and do it all over.  Things would be so different.  I would be so different.  I would not be so damned afraid.  The irony being that this is what Lucy was afraid of that I would regret so much, but the truth is that her attempt to protect me from this regret helped caused it.  Self fulfilling prophecy.  How true that really becomes.  I want to go back and change almost everything.  Why can't I go back?  I would take care of myself and not worry so much about my mother or sister or father or anyone else.  I would work in a different place and be a different person, the person I am not.  The truth of the matter is that I have spent the last few months trying to act like I love the person I used to be and trying to protect her, but I hate her.  Do I feel sorry for her, yes, but I hate her too.  She did this to me.  She is the reason I have so many hang ups now and am so afraid.  I hate her.  She had so much potential because how much potential is there in youth?  So, so much.  I hate her.  She gave up so much for others.  Makes me so mad at her now.

Not feeling it.

Not like me but I could not make it through my am workout.  That and I did not work out yesterday.  Physically I am great today, but my mind just could not go there.  I have a lot of mental feedback rolling around in my mind right now that is not pretty and does not feel good.  I just could not get through the fog of it today which blows because I do have a half in 4 weeks.  Normally I would be so jazzed for it, but today, I just want to get through today and onto tomorrow and onto next week.  Why do I feel so blah? 
1. This weather.  I cannot take it anymore.  It is not just the lack of warmth this spring.  It is the constant clouds.  Am I likely vitamin D deficient?  Probably.  I need sun.  Everyone laughs that I like it hot so they tease me that I like July on Mercury the best out of all of the months.  True, but it is more than just the warm weather.  It is the sun.  I could probably make it through the cooler spring if it were sunny but it is not sunny at all this spring.  It depresses me in a period where I should start feeling more alive.
2.  Physically some things have to change.  My diet cannot stay where it is.  It is causing too much physical distress.  I know this on a daily basis, but I cannot control it. Damn food addiction.  I would like to go to diet soda drinking when I get the cravings, but soda increases the likelihood of panic attacks.  I don't know what to do with that.
3.  The out of control food addiction these days just makes me feel bad about myself.  It becomes a vicious cycle.  I get bored because we are not able to be outside so much so I eat more and then have issues with the food addiction which not only adds physical distress but it makes me feel bad about how I look so I get further depressed.  It is bad when you actually consider asking your hubby to put your peanut butter on your toast in the am because you cannot control yourself making breakfast!!!
4.  I had some major revelations last week at therapy.  A lot of it was not pretty for me.  Sure in therapy you learn your feelings are normal because they are how you feel and there is usually a good reason why you feel that way rooted somewhere in your past and/or psyche, but those feelings make me feel like a bad person.  They certainly do not serve my family or my primary relationship well.  Ultimately, they do not serve me well either.  I can be a very destructive person and I know that, but knowing that does not make that inclination any better, does it?
So what do I resolve to do today? 
1.  Work on a plan for the food.  I do much better when I follow a plan.  I am good at planning so that is a good goal today.
2.  Get my tail outside in the afternoon when it is supposed to be a little sunny.  Even if I work in the garden for 10 minutes, that is 10 minutes in the sun.   My mother-in-law bought me some geraniums.  I need to get some dirt today and plant them.
3.  Get an exercise plan together for the week. See #1.
4.  Give myself 10-15 minutes to cry today alone to blow off some stress and the heartbreak and the worry.  We are getting a cat today.  It is the cheapest exterminator I can find.  I am tired of mice in the house and it has become a bit problem for us.  Every time I find a half eaten clif bar, I get very angry.  I am ready for that to end.  Hopefully this cat will not bring drama.  That is the last thing we need in this house. 

Finally did it!

Today should be a great day.  I should feel awesome, but I am feeling pretty ill physically.  Anyways, my 10k time over which I stressed so much this year was well below what I had hoped.  First, I finally got it under an hour.  Second, I wanted it under 57 minutes.  I killed that.  I was 54 minutes and 45 seconds.  Yep, I did that.  I guess my long runs and speed work has finally paid off. 
Through therapy, I am starting to really see what a crappy person I am.  Who cares what the reasons are behind the kind of person I am.  I am still not a good person or a good wife.  I feel like my life is totally spinning out of control.  I always thought I was a good person and a good wife.  Not so much.  I have to wonder, really wonder, why my husband loves me.  How can he?  I always wondered why he wanted to be with me.  Now I wonder even more.  Who would blame him for leaving or cheating on a control freak, insecure bully who is bitter all of the time.  What is lovable about that person?  Just more and more I feel alone.  I am feeling more confused than ever about everything. 
I thought therapy was supposed to make me feel better.  It only makes me feel worse and more confused and more alone and just increases my desire to run far, far away.  I guess the big benefit is that now I know I can do it a lot faster. 

Another day where I just ran because I wanted to run and run and just keep going so I could run away

I sit here trying to figure out if something is really wrong with me or if this issue is external.  The honest truth is that I do not have the physical, mental and emotional strength to think about it.  I just don't anymore.  I am emotionally worn out.  I think the only reason I got an 8 mile run in this am was because I needed to blow off some stress.  I was glad that I got the run in yesterday after failing miserably yesterday and cutting my 10k run down to 3 miles.  Yuck. 
I am emotionally wrung out.  I just feel like I have nothing left to give anyone today.  I just want everyone to leave me alone and have that be it.  Not that easy, right.  Sometimes I wish it were.   I was thinking about where I would run today.  Believe it or not, I imagined north towards Maine.  Since I hate the cold go figure.  I just thought that it was likely beautiful there this time of year.  It is clear to me that I need some time away from everyone to just relax and think and just be alone.  I am not afraid of being alone.  There is some comfort in it actually.  Maybe it is the easier choice and that is why.  I don't know.  Like I said, I don't have the strength to think about it today.
I started taking a multivitamin again.  I started getting blood blisters beneath my skin in random places.  It is a sign of anemia.  I thought maybe my exhaustion lately had something to do with that too.  I know from my diet calculator that I do not get enough iron.  Hopefully this will help.  It just kills my stomach....
Let me try to reset today.

What a day

Yesterday was brutal.  I mean brutal.  I love my mother-in-law and father-in-law, but the whole day was brutal.  My brother-in-law is depressed and that was apparent.  It is tough to be around most of the day too.  I want so badly for him to get some help and start making different choices.  My hubby has lost a father and now his brother.  I have very little communication with my own family so I know the loss hurts even when you know that a relationship is not really realistic. 
Today I did 11 miles in my 139 min on the treadmill.  That was the most I have ever been able to go in the 139 minutes allowed on each session of the treadmill.  The farthest I had gone prior was 10.4 miles.  I was fast enough to hit 11 today.  Just goes to show you that tempo runs do work.  I will continue to do them.  I came in 3rd in my age group in the race I did last weekend.  I am pretty proud of that.  My time was 26:46.  That is the fastest I have ever done a 5k.  I am glad that I did that race.  It gave me a lot of confidence and I was able to talk myself and therefore run through a very difficult period.  Doing the shorter race was a good idea to help build that confidence for me.  Smart move.  When I wanted to walk, I only had a little over a mile to go so I could mentally talk myself through it at that point.  With less than 10 minutes to run (eve if I was going super slow which I was not) I knew I could do it and I did.  I think I can tackle the 10k in under an hour finally and I really do believe that I can do the Aug half in under 2 hours.  I really do. 
I ate like crap yesterday, of course.  I am paying for it today.  My stomach is not happy.  I took a pro-biotic hoping that will calm things down a bit.  We will see.  Not doing that again any time soon.  That is the other part of the problem with going to my in-laws.  Not many healthy choices.  I end up eating not good for you food and food that I am not used to eating either.  Not a good combo. 
Getting warmer which just puts me in a better mood.  The sun is shining and temps are supposed to be 70 day.  I can deal with that!

A note to my boss

You will never know about the gift that you gave me.  I am lucky.  I have several people in my life who literally saved me.  Each person gave me a special piece of the ability to be the person I always wanted to be and continue to help me along that path even now.  You are always so bashful and humble so I would never be able to tell these things face to face but this has been on my mind lately so I wanted to write it out.  The gift you gave me...pretty amazing.  The gift was not the job you offered to me over 13 years ago nor is it the career advancement you have provided throughout those 13 years.  You gave me a job and then gave me the confidence to try to live up to my potential or the potential you saw in me.  Maybe that was the gift that you gave me.  You put a mirror in front of me every day and constantly showed me that I could do whatever you asked or needed.  You showed me that those abilities were there along with the confidence to know that I could handle stress and the daily challenges of helping to run a television station and a business.  You gave me the confidence to know that I could grow as a person and become anything that I wanted to be.  Talk about a gift.  Without it, I am not sure that I would have made it through this life so in reality, you also given me a sense of purpose or at the very least, a future.  You have said before that people do not understand our relationship because it looks weird to outsiders.  I agree.  I am fiercely loyal because you gave me the gift of confidence in my abilities and my ability to grow as a person.  I will always be forever grateful...more than I can ever say. 
I am who I am thanks to a handful of very wonderful and special people.  You are one of them.  Thank you.

Already eaten too much crap

First Happy Easter.  I know it is a religious holiday for some and a Christmas like holiday for others.  For me, it is both.  I do not go to church, but I say a different type of prayer on Easter and feel more connected to the earth and life.  Maybe that is more of a naturalistic/universe type thing, but in my mind, we have the world we have because of God.  Easter always brings hope to me, hope after a long hard winter, and this winter was especially hard weather-wise.  I do feel like spring is on its way.  I look forward to the day in the next few weeks when I sit in the backyard and watch the pollen blow between the trees. 
I feel ill.  Crappy, sugary food no longer agrees with me.  I was so ready for it today and wanted it so badly, but now that I have had it, it does not taste like I remember and frankly, I do not want to feel like this any more ever again.  The candy will go and what sits here, I will not touch.  It just not enjoyable any more.  What I find enjoyable is seeing 132 on the scale and running a 26:44 5k which I did yesterday.  I am really proud of that.  I know it is not super fast or anything, but for me, it is an accomplishment.  I never thought I would get a 5k in under 27 minutes.  I did it.  I finally did it.  Next year under 26....maybe.  I am in the best shape of my life and want to get better. 
Life has taken a more interesting turn over the last few days.  I don't know.  It has been weird.  I love my husband and honestly for now, that is all that matters to me.  Sure I want him to adore me and tell me how much he wants me and feel that he finds me attractive and sexy.  What woman does not, but I am trying (and succeeding for the moment) to just make his love enough because I really do believe that he loves me.  I really do.
Spring is kind of the New Year for me.  It is always my re-birth, I feel.  (And I am trying to ignore the upper 50 degree days later this week....)  60 days from tomorrow I have a half marathon.  This summer I have another half and I want to go under 2 hours for it, and this fall I have a full marathon.  There are things I want to do this summer.  Goals that I want to hit and in order to do that, I have to eat right and take care of my body and lose these last 7 pounds and sleep and not stress and just love my family and friends.  I feel ready for those challenges more now than ever.  I love being 37.  Wow, ok, I hate the age and I hate the wrinkles (although my face is getting lasered Mon) but I love the freedom that comes with being 30 something.  I am finally after years and years of feeling terrible and not feeling good and hating myself and doubting everything that I know to be true, I feel like I am finding who I am and being the person I want to be.  She used to be so far away, but now I can see her in the distance.  She is still a ways away, but she is no longer so far away that I cannot hope to catch up.  I keep getting faster and that helps....

Can love grow as you age?

I always thought that romantic loved waned as you got older and were married longer.  At least that is what we are led to believe by the media and popular culture, right?  Why is it that I love my hubby more now than I ever have and things are not exactly easy with us these days.  We are both very busy and stressed from work and dealing with some issues from the past.  Do I love him more or have I just realized what loving him means?  I never really knew until recently.  I want to help him now more than ever. I want to support him and surprise him and help take care of him as a wife (not in a mom or controlling kind of way.)  I think he would say (whether I believe it or not these days if part of our on-going issue) he loves me more now too, and part of me really wants to believe that.  Ok, all of me wants to believe it.  Can I really dive right in and immerse myself in that belief?  Am I capable of doing that? 
Had a major panic attack today while running.  It was bizarre.  I am going to research on lactate build up and panic attacks because the attacks tend to happen around exercise for the most part.  I am still hoping it is a physical problem and not panic related!

What if you could be the person you want to be?

This question was posed this am on a show that I watched while I was running.  I have thought about this before.  I saw that person up close and there one am as I made breakfast several months ago.  I had her for a few hours.  It was such a great feeling.  I think about that person a lot.  It would be awesome to be that person day in and day out.  I am working to get there, but my mind always seems to be in the way.  Monkey mind they call it, the wandering of the mind.  I have a big problem with that.  There are very few minutes each day that my mind is not actively working and moving and sometimes my mind wanders into dangerous, not so good places.  Those places are not good for me, they are not good for my marriage, and they are not good for anyone or anything.  Even when my mind just wander and does not go all rogue and into not so pretty places, all of that thinking means that I am rarely truly in the moment.  The person I aspire to be is in the moment way more often than I am.  She just enjoys the moment some of the time.  She is kind and understanding and gives those she loves the benefit of doubt.  Work in progress, I guess.
This am I was trying to figure out if my pants not fitting was an illusion.  My mother-in-law bought me a great pair of short running pants.  I bought a pair also.  Both are too big.  I had to ask my hubby if I am way smaller than I thought or what.  I cannot figure it out.  I know I have lost some weight in the last 6 weeks, but my lower half has never been a small.  How can neither of these pants fit?  I just don't get it.  Either the pants run big or I am smaller than I thought.  The mirror definitely shows that I am thinner, but at 5ft 7in and 132 pounds, I am never really small.  I have always been a bigger person.  I grew up with two petite women.  How can I ever feel small?  Just tough to believe.  Will I always think of myself as fat or big?  Probably.
Last night we were talking about fears and my hubby said that one thing I am afraid of is getting fat.  That is very much true.  It is a fear that I have that haunts me quite a bit.  It is why I spend time obsessing over my workouts and how I can get more exercise in each day around work and taking care of the kids.  I don't want to get fat again.  The thought of it scares me.  The person I want to be is thin.  She is fit and takes care of herself.  Having been over 200 pounds, the fear of being that person again is real.  I hated that person.  She was miserable and she had no clue just how miserable she was.  I don't want to be her ever again. 

Truly believe that being bored causes insanity.

Yes, I truly believe that.  I am over it.  I am tired of being exhausted.  I am tired of being at the wall physically and mentally.  I am tired of looking for things to end.  Inevitably, I end up walking or running on the treadmill which does not entertain me like I would like.  I will likely clean the floor in a few.  At least I will have clean floors and occupy myself for a half hour or so.  My son needs a bath.  That will occupy me for a few minutes getting him settled in the tub.  I need to do laundry too.  I am so overwhelmed with what I have sitting at work.  It is not even funny how overwhelmed by the thoughts of it.  Not sure how I will cope with it tomorrow.  I have to find a way to get it organized the minute I get in so I do not go nuts.  I am starting to wonder if my son is ever going to get better.  I feel so overwhelmed by this illness.  It is definitely winning the battle in this house.  I am losing big time.  Last night was especially trying.  It was endless.  He cried from 8p to 10:30p.  He finally passed out, I think from complete exhaustion around 10:45 but was back up again at 11:30p.  At that point, I just gave up and let him sleep in my bed.  So basically, the best part of my day yesterday was in the car driving home from work where I ran into Target for 5 minutes and was rushing home.  At least I was alone in my own thoughts and not listening to a child crying down the hall or dealing with kids.  Maybe part of it is the weather, but I feel like I am going from one crappy week to the next and it is really starting to depress the hell out of me.  Last week was not good at all, and this week has been worse.  When does it end?  Will it ever end?  I am at the wall.  I cannot take another trying week.  I just want to run away...far, far away.  How many times have I written that in the last few weeks.  I just want to start running and keep going.  I am already exhausted, but I figure what the heck.  I have run through exhaustion before, right?  It is a skill all longer distance runners master at some point or they do not make it through the long distances. 

feeling beat down which is never a good thing

For me, it causes me to question everything.  Maybe that is wrong, but it just does.  I am physically, mentally, and emotionally just at the wall.  I am just exhausted and drained and am not sure that any of those tanks are filling up any time soon.  I could use a case of Red Bull about now.  I keep thinking it could be worse.  My 7 year old could be horribly ill....well, more so than he is.  Sometimes that helps, but it is not helping today or at this moment, at least.  I am just tired.  I am able to find the strength to exercise, but that is about it.  That is just to lose weight too.  The rest of the moments, I am just taking minute by minute.  At this point, it is all that I can do.  My head hurts all of the time.  Pretty sure that I am doing something wrong because nothing seems to be right.
So what will I do tomorrow?  Get up, get the kids up, get my daughter to school, tend to my son who is still sick, work out and do some work.  Same thing as today, but in a different order.  I am hoping to run tomorrow.  That will at least relieve some stress.  Fingers crossed!

Times like these I feel tested

I am not the best mom in the world, but I am not the worst either.  My wonderful son just gave me a heart attack.  Nothing like taking his temperature when he is sick and just getting a "hi" reading on the thermometer.  When I finally got a reading, I got 106.  I know it is just his body's reaction to fight whatever is invading his little body and all, but it really freaked me out.  I love him.  I don't want anything to happen to him.  I just want to make him better now!  It is not about work or staying home with him.  I just want him better.
The last few weeks have been very trying.  I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous break down on Friday.  The day picked up quite a bit when I got home, though.  I actually believe that things will be ok this time.  I really do.  I feel better and more fit now than ever.  I hit 132 last week so that is a move in the right direction.  I need to get my eating under control today, but I am around food more today than normal and seriously stressed. 
I talked with my mom over the weekend.  HUGE mistake.  The more I let go of my bitterness that I carried in the same manner she did, the more I want to scream at her over her bitterness.  If there is one thing I have learned over the last year, holding onto bitterness is not a way to live because it is not living.  Keeping score is not a way to live.  All that doing that does for you, is hold you back from life.  Who wants to live like that.  I want to immerse myself in life and breathe it in and enjoy it and live it.  Life is too short for sure!

Running until you die tired.

I am speaking metaphorically, of course.  I think every runner knows that physical running energizes your life in some way.  It might physically exhaust you, but it lifts you emotionally and mentally.  I look back and I know that I was running away from my problems and feelings and I was definitely going to die tired.  I see my mother coming to end of her years and she is exhausted.  Keeping up that facade is certainly exhausting.  I know because I lived it...at her request or rather make that her demand.  To keep pushing past feelings it is just so tiring.  Action she is all about action.  There is little reflection for her because you have to react immediately.  Waiting means that you are wasting time in her mind.  I think for her waiting allows her to think about her feelings and pain and that is not something she can handle.  I, too, was like that for a long time.  Times have changed.  Do not get me wrong.  I am not perfect with it.  I certainly push feelings aside that are overwhelming, but I try to talk about them more or at the very least, acknowledge them.  My therapist in the last few weeks has taught me that telling my husband my feelings even if they are crazy and overwhelming and wrong is ok.  I never thought that it would be ok to tell him some of my crazy, wrong feelings.  Rather, I just thought I crazy for feeling that way and needed to bury them further.  The burying, well, it does not get you anywhere.
The marathon looms bigger in my mind than ever.  I am scared.  I have to be down around 250 days or so now.  It seems so far away but I know how quickly the spring and summer go.  It will be here before I know it.  I need to start working on my plan for food at the very least.  I need to get one issue with it resolved.  I will be happy once it warms up so I can start doing long runs outside again.  I have started fantasizing about them already.  To feel the heat on my face as I run.  It just feels so good.  It is part of why I run.  To finish a long run and still have the strength to go do something that day.  That is also why I run.  I feel strong in those moments which is nice because I feel so weak at times and grew up feeling weak.  I think more and more these days about why I decided to run a marathon after saying that I never would.  I secretly think that I cling to why more and more since I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the thought of running 26.2 miles.  There are a hundred reasons, I am sure, but this am it hit me that I am doing it for the old me, the young me.  I want her to know that she turned out ok.  She never felt good enough or worthy of anyone or anything.  (Yes, I know that I still fight those feelings today...I am not that obtuse.  I am pretty self aware.)  I want her to see me finish that marathon and think, "Wow, I did that.  I really did that!"  This marathon is for her and for me.  The ironic thing is that my senior year quote in the yearbook was from Nolan Ryan who said, "The only one who you can't is you.  And you don't have to listen."  I spent years listening to myself about how I cannot do this or that.  Yes, part of the voice speaking was my mother, of course, but the beauty of growing up is that I can tune her out.  I don't have to listen to her either. 

Where has my fear gotten me?

The book I am reading, the main character contemplates where her fear has gotten her?  She wonders what has it done for her?  That got me thinking and wondering.  Where has my fear gotten me?  What has it done for me?  For her, it made her lie to her daughter who became increasingly resentful and acted out.  For me, it made me fat for a while, anyways.  It made me close the world in rather than looking out at it and growing it.  When you are afraid of the world that is what happens.  It also made me afraid to try anything new that no one else in my family had tried.  It also made me want to leave one of the most wonderful men I have ever known, and it made me want to run away from a life that I now love.  Fear made me control everything including my kids.  I am working on all of that now because it is a choice, and I know that.  Fear has done one good thing, though.  It pushed me to work harder and better than anyone else.  At times, it kept me from quitting.  Now does it allow me to quit in the middle of a race sometimes, yes, and I HATE it for that, but there were times in the past that it made me go farther than I ever thought I could or would go. 
I need to embrace the fear that pushes me and push past the fear that holds me back.  Trying to control everything to fight the fear...well, I have learned the things you fear can happen no matter how much control you try to exert.  So you live in fear and then bad things happen anyways.  The fear ends up playing a role just for chuckles. 
I just saw our neighbor in his running gear.  I am jealous.  I could not work out this am.  I really wanted to.  I want to run.  I have been taking in less calories and pushing my body further and further.  I feel great and want to continue that.  I want to see how far it will go.  I want to feel hungry.  Then I will get what I want and have wanted for a long, long time.  Time to push past things.  There is a time to push, Lucy.  Yes, I know, but the key in life is knowing when to push and when to stop and re-evaluate the situation and go a different way, something you have never been good at and a skill, I am learning.

Daytona

Race day is here.  I get very excited for Daytona.  I like racing and it means that spring is on its way.  My daughter bought gel clings that read "Spring is here!"  Hopefully that is true.  I need the spring.  I need it here now.  As it gets further into winter, I have gotten more and more depressed.  I need the sun and warmth now.
I feel like I am moving into a new period now.  I have done really well with my nutrition this week.  It has totally paid off too.  Hopefully, I can carry it through today and the next few days.  The weekends are tough, but I have been ok.  I ran my 10 today.  Then I walked another mile.  I would like to walk another 4 or 5 at some point today.  I honestly believe now that I can get down below 130.  I just feel like I am on my way.  The mantra I found works.  Who would think....
This marathon is looming in my mind.  I am wondering from time to time how I got myself into it.  I am excited in so many ways, but so scared at the same time.  I need to get a plan together so I feel a bit better and ready.  Readiness is the most important thing.  Well, that and working with my therapist on my race day fears that inevitably take over when I run races.  I can run and run all weekend long but the minute I get into a race situation, I freak out.  Something has to be done about that.
Go KB!!!

Flu vaccines and the flu

My son got the vaccine.  We all did.  Now he has the flu.  I find that so frustrating.  Will it keep us from getting him the vaccine again?  Not at all, but it is still annoying.  I had a meltdown the other night when he was so sick and just thought about how kids die from the flu.  I prayed that he get better soon.  I believe he is on the mend today.  I made a promise with the prayer and a promise that requires I put aside some pride so I have to work on that this week. 
I have found a more simple way to avoid my compulsion to eat when food cravings hit or I get bored.  I got the idea from a place that I never expected to visit, but the advice has been helpful.  I kept my diet to 1250 calories yesterday.  IF I keep it up, I expect to be down to 130 by my birthday.  Ugh....my birthday.  Another year older.  I know rationally that it is better than the alternative, but 37 sounds so old.  So old.  I wasted away the best part of my youth.  It is just so frustrating.  I am definitely making up for lost time now, but those years I will never get back.  I have been thinking a lot about my mom lately.  There are so many parallels between me and the main character of a book I am reading.  She was raised by a critical, unloving father.  My mother was very much the same.  It is hard to ever feel good enough at anything when the idea of perfection is the goal. She made that our goal.  It was be perfect or go home so to speak.  Tough to love yourself when you are trying to live up to an impossible standard.  By trying to live up to that standard herself, my mother denied herself so much.  She still does.  I believe that the only regrets you have are the things you do not do so I want to do everything.  I do not want to look back at my 30's and say "I wish I had done" this or that.  That is how I feel about my 20's.  I do not want to do that again. 
268 days until the marathon.  It seems much closer now that it is out of the 300+ days.  I have to come up with a plan of attack for sure!

Winter blues kick in

I hate the winter.  I mostly hate Jan and Feb. They are the worst months.  I am just thankful that February is short.  12 more days to go after today.  Then I just have to get through to the time change and I am home free.  I keep hoping that open toed shoes are in my future sooner rather than later.  The spring just awakens me.  I feel so alive and wonderful.  4 more weeks is what I keep telling myself.  I have tried so much this winter to get outside and soak up some sun, but it has been a very cloudy winter so that has hampered that effort quite a bit. 4 more weeks.
The next 6 months or so of my life are going to take me into areas that I am not exactly comfortable confronting.  I started with a new therapist and I really like her.  She seems competent and she is about my age and has other qualities that I find important at this stage in my progress.  I think she will find that I want a good life and genuinely believe in having fun so progress should come easily since I plan to be honest and open and ready to talk about some of those uncomfortable things.  I have to really look at how I feel about myself and the messages I constantly tell myself.  Most of the time it is not good.  About a week ago, I was throwing up at least once a day for a few days.  I know how destructive that is.  I felt terrible the following days.  I was just drained.  I feel like I have finally physically recovered.  Emotionally, I plan to be very careful this weekend since weekends seem to be my tipping point.  The hubby and I confronted some serious issues last week. It was difficult.  Sometimes life is not easy and I need to be prepared for emotions that I do not understand or am not used to feeling.  The problem with the hubby and I is that we have so much history that does not entirely help us. It is a lot of ground to make up and once patterns are set, well, they are tough to undo and/or forgive.  I am working on being nicer, though.  The hubby's words do not always match his actions. My actions do not always match my words.  Funny how that works....

Think we all know change is hard

Which is why we all struggle with it. It is so hard to change patterns and natural inclinations. In the last few days I have had to really think about why I am so critical of my hubby.  I am so critical.  How many times will the words "always" or "never" come out of my mouth in regard to something negative with him. It comes out a lot.  We have had a lot of problems over the last 18-20 months and I have to accept a certain amount of responsibility for that.  I feel so bad. I want to be greatest cheerleader, not his biggest critic. How do we fall into those patterns as spouses?  Do we head there or does it just happen?  Am I naturally inclined for that?  I love him more than anyone so why am I so critical.  I grew up under the pressure of perfection so I know what a myth that is. Do I just feel that pressure still so I have to project it on someone else?  How awful that must have been for him.  It disturbs me.  At this point, I think we both just want peace.

Just proves you never really know people

I always knew that you never really knew someone, but I know that even more now and it is terrifying.  People are crazy. That is what I have learned.  What do you do when you think you know someone and you find out you do not?  So if you never really know someone, can you ever really be in a true relationship with them and if so, how deep is it really?  It has to only be surface, right?  Or are we just seeing what people want us to see or think we should see?  I am so confused and so tired of being confused.  It is exhausting.  My personal life is falling apart.  It is over.  I do not know what to do.  The thing I worried about the most is true.  I always know.  I just do, and I knew.  The worst part is that I am too embarrassed to share my stress with my best friend.  She would tell me that my personal life has serious problems and I am just not ready to hear that from someone else right now.  I am embarrassed, honestly.  I just want to go for a long, long run and just run away as far away as I can.  How far is far enough?

Does something you did 17 years ago matter?

These and other questions go through my mind every now and then.  I was watching a Dr. Phil as I ran today and the issues going on is inconsequential to this blog, but the gentleman in the story said that he is the same person he was when they met.  Keep in mind they met as he got out of college.  I know I am not the same person.  How could I be?  I have found a career and become a mother.  How could I possibly be the same person I was at 23?  My husband and I met in college.  We were 19 and did all of the stupid things 19 year olds do when they are in love and believe it will last forever.  My hubby and I have always said that if you get married young which we did, you have to grow up together or it will not last.  I remember my father years ago when I asked him a question, I will not repeat here, told me that he did not think my hubby and I would ever end up divorced because we are too compatible.  I am firm believer that the main reason we have been able to grow up together and weather some of the things we have in the last 17 years, well, it is because at the base of our relationship lies a very deep and meaningful friendship.  I worried for years as I started to change and find my way towards the person I am now if that meant we were boring and not exciting and how would we last if we were boring.  I do not worry about that these days.  We have fun together and even though, we think very much the same way, our relationship is more complimentary than anything else and we are rarely bored.  What I find amazing is that through the last years (at least for me) a deep love has not replaced but covered and taken over that deep friendship.  The friendship is still the root of our relationship, but I love my husband more than ever.  If I can honestly say that after 17 years of being together, I am relieved and happy. 
So what we do in our youth matters for sure but it is how we grow that really sets the tone for our lives.  There is someone in my family who has not grown.  He seems stagnate in his youth.  He is an adult almost as old as I am, but for some reason, he cannot grow past this late teens.  I had a very tumultuous childhood.  There are a lot of deep scars there, some that will never be repaired, but I forgive my mother.  I may talk about how much thing hurt (not with her,) but I understand that she did the best she could in her craziness.  I held so much against my sister for so long.  Lordy, it colored our relationship and the most freeing thing I ever did was forgive her and let it go and realize that she was a partner in our messed up youth with me and hurt in ways different from me, but still just as significant.  I do not remember when or how I came to that point with her, but when I did and realized it, I felt different and happy and was able to move and find my own identity and know that the identity I have mattered if to no one else, then at least to me.  My life has never been easy or uncomplicated.  Every emotion I have is complicated by something else so I get feeling hurt and confused all of the time.  I do.  What I wish for him is to find some help because he cannot move forward on his own until he does.  That is clear.  He is bent on hurting his family so he feels better and I can speak from experience when I say that the satisfaction from hurting your family is fleeting.  It does not last, and it will not fix the emotions that creep in on a regular basis.  I hope he find some help so he can move and not make what will be a huge mistake at this time.  Maybe in the future, it is the right thing, but when you are hurting, big decisions and changes are never the right thing.  I had a wonderful, patient hubby who supported me through 5 years of working through some of those complications.  I am not sure he has the same support. 
On a side note, I pray to God that the scared 5 year old sitting in a bunker with a 65 year old stranger is released immediately.  This story has shaken me to the core.  I look at my son and daughter and hope I can in some cosmic way send strength to his mother.  I am sure all mothers do at this time.
10 miles in today.  As I fight this illness and the stress of the last 4 weeks, I am happy I was able to get in the 10 miles today considering that yesterday I was not able to row and the day before, I had to cut my 4 miles short and just muscle through a 5k as best I could and that was tough.  I am on the mend and hope with the stress of work going away slowly, I am able to physically heal and recharge.
Go Ravens!

Don't wake me up

I really like that song by Chris Brown.  I definitely have some issues with the fact that is one of his songs, but I love the song.  I reminds me of my hubby.  Why?  When things between us are great, they are just amazing and wonderful and it is like I am in a dreams state and never want to leave.  That is how I feel now.  I think both of us are putting in a lot of effort right now.  I think that is helping.  The question is, though, can we keep this pace up?  Time will tell.
I have been sick for the last two weeks.  I got better over the weekend, but got sick again early this week.  It is really affecting my running which pisses me off.  I was only able to get a 5k in today.  Not my normal 4 mile Friday.  The lungs just could not deal.  I hope to be better soon.  The doc could not get me in until Wed which I am not going to do.  I could be better by then.  Welcome to nationalized healthcare.... 
Anyways, work has been very stressful too with this FCC stuff.  I am almost done.  My hubby has really been my rock and cushion through all of this.  He has kept me level and steady and kept me sane which is the most important, of course.  I start therapy back on the 11th.  I am looking forward to it.  I am hoping it can help me with some of the food addiction that is hitting me harder than usual lately and the outstanding relationship issues the hubby and I keep circling around.  It is time.  Plus, I want help in training my brain to think differently. I do not want to always go to "I am not worth it."  I want to feel worthy.  I need a therapist to help.  I am hoping for a good weekend where I feel better and a nice long run on Sun.  I need it.  I have had sleeping issues so I missed it this past week.  I did a long walk instead so as I sit here with my beer for dinner, I will drink to that....that long run I need.  Well, that and the wonderful man who sleeps next to me each night.

Does a heart need to be whole to ever really break?

I hope not or I am destined to be a callous, bitter woman for the rest of my life.  On days like today I have to wonder why my mother raised us the way she did, to be so afraid and waiting for the smallest slight?  Let's face it was the whole idea of being in or out with her that makes me that way.  I cannot speak for my siblings.  When I look at my sister, I see the damage done there too.  She spends her life wanting everyone to love her so she lives her life being boisterous and still trying to be 16 and pretty when she is 46 and aging.  I see my brother and his anger.  Enough said.  Then here I am always living in terror.  Sitting there just waiting for someone to drop me.  It happens with my personal life, work...it does not matter.  I always sit around and wait for everyone to figure out that I am not who they think I am.  The thing is that it is not like I am putting on a facade.  I never have.  I am who I am, but I still sit and wait for them to catch me in something that changes who they think I am.  I have asked it before, but I am asking it again.  What was it with my mother that made her raise us like that?  Was the abuse she suffered from her mother just too much for her to drop?  Was it too much for her to discard that example?  I have to assume so.  I guess in her mind because she was not beating us, she was not like her mom. She is much more like her mom than she ever thinks.  That leads me to what scares me to death.  How much of the same kind of person am I?  Will I do the same thing to my two children?  I watch myself sometimes and listen to myself and I see myself doing the same thing.  The whole idea tenacious Tiffany.  Jon and I laugh about it, but it is that tenacity that makes for a bad mom.  I have to let go with the kids especially.  I have to drop it once it has been said and move on to something else.  I have to let it go.  My entire body and soul fights it.  I do not mean it is hard for me to do.  I mean my body physically fights it.  Same thing with the hubby which is why I have such a hard time forgiving and forgetting.  My body aches when I try to let it go.  It is very much a physical sensation.  I know part of that is the borderline psychosis I fight.  I want to let it go.  That is the crazy thing.  I saw my mother wrapped up in bitterness and pain.  I do not want to wear it. 
The funny thing happened today.  I told my husband one thing I really want.  It is something I have felt too much pride to tell him before.  It was that whole idea of if I have to ask for it, it means less.  The problem with that is that I spent so much time hurting over it and wanting it and being bitter because I do not have it.  Was it worth it holding it in and not telling him?  Hell no.  Will it really mean less if and when it happens?  I have no clue, but if so, who cares.  Was the pain of wanting it and being bitter over not getting it better than telling him and having it mean less eventually?  Hell no to that too.  I want to bitterness to end.  I really do.  It sucks so much energy and frankly, is not me.  Not the me I want to be.  How can I be full of life and energy with bitterness weighing me down.  The honest answer is that I cannot.  The stress takes over and ages me and makes me tired.  I just do not want it.  So Hubby, I love you more than anything in this world and I pray to God every single day that you are the man this version of me needs and wants.  I want to give you a chance to be that man.  I have to give you a chance to be that person. 

Have I ever been wrong?

Of course I have.  We all have, but then why are we all so afraid of being wrong?  I am not just talking about being right or wrong in a discussion.  I am talking about being wrong in the choices we make in life.  We have all made those mistakes, and we constantly live in fear of making more.  Why?  That fear is what paralyzes us.  Well, some of us, that is.  So we sit by and stay safe just so we never have to say that we were wrong.  I know it is not hat black and white, but it really is not that complicated either.  My son told me today that he loved himself, and I thought, "Wow, in his sincerity, I know that I have done a good job as a parent," and I mean that.  Talk about telling.  I hope he continues to feel that way for the rest of his life.  I am constantly working on who I am so that he does.  I was very much headed down the same horrible parenting path that my mother used.  It does not create well adjusted children who love themselves.  Quite the opposite.  I realized after a few incidents with my son that I had to make some serious changes and I have and I am working on me so I can be the best parent and wife I can be. 
One of the shows I was watching today talked about visualizing those things that you want.  It cracked me up because I do that with the marathon almost every time I run.  I visualize finishing it regularly.  I cannot wait for the moment. It is going to feel great.  It got me thinking about other things I maybe should be visualizing like finishing the FCC upload.  I need to start working on that tonight!
Watching a show that just brought up a good question....  As a woman, what is it that I do not want a man to know about me?  That I am not perfect.  That I am not everything that he needs.  That he can walk out the door any time he wants.  Pretty telling, I think.  I think when you live a life where love is given and taken so quickly.  I mean it varies based on the wind it feels sometimes.  I think when you live a life like that, you just know how easily it can disappear or be withdrawn so you work like a dog to stay in favor and be perfect and be who or whatever is needed at the time.  You never build your own identity or sense of self because you, at the core, do not matter.  It is all about how much of something you can be in order to keep love and favor.  You are a chameleon.  So here I am at 36 still trying to figure out who the hell I am and who I want to be and all the while fighting the voices that tell me I do not matter, and that the only thing that matters is who I can become.

Men have no ability to plan or anticipate

I cannot help but wonder why that is the case?  They all consider themselves to be good leaders or some sort of "master of the world" but being both of those things require a certain amount of planning or anticipating someone's actions or response.  I just do not get it.  Doesn't it make life easier.  Honestly, I need to just let it go and not try to control everyone.  Men have to live with the consequences of their lack of anticipation, right, and I do not have to jump in and fix everything all of the time, right?  I need to keep that in mind.  I need to just let it go....
So I have a long run tomorrow and my legs are super sore.  I am hoping that the soreness goes away by tomorrow.  I need a long run.  I have to keep those going.  I have done really well this week.  I am down 3 pounds and I have only one .5 tablespoon of peanut butter all week.  Day 1 was torture, but the last few days have been ok.  I will always do peanut butter toast before long runs so tomorrow I get some peanut butter.  Yum!  I ate way too much tonight.  The hubby said that it was mostly veggies but still.  I ate too much!  I feel kind of ill. 
So we took my son to Barnes & Noble today to get my son some new books.  He needs to practice reading.  We bought a lot.  It seems to have reinvigorated his reading which is great. I also bought for him Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing.  I forgot what a great book it was.  I read it today.  It is so good.  I cannot wait to read it to him.  I am hoping he allows me to do so soon. 
Work is very stressful right now.  I am grinding my teeth a lot at night.  I am sure it is stress related.  I am going to wear my teeth down to nothing at this rate.  My ear hurt last week.  It was the grinding for sure.  6 more weeks.  If I can just get through the next 6 weeks....
The cold this week has really gotten to me.  Plus, I have not been able to walk at lunch and soak up the sun.  We had rain all week but Friday and Friday I was too busy to walk outside.  Plus, it was too cold and snowy from the night before.  I am hoping to walk next week or maybe get my daughter out for a walk tomorrow to soak up some vitamin D.  I need it.  It will help with the depression that seems to be coming down.

A bad country song and a really good hip hop song.

Tonight my life is a bad country song.  One of the wonderful ladies on my staff, her dog died.  Another wonderful lady on my staff was in a car accident on the way home.  (I am sure dude that rear ended her was looking at his phone when he did it.)  Then I called my mom.  Lordy, but I will get into that later.  Then when the hubby got home with both kids, they were crying.  That is the makings of a bad country song.  My daughter was still crying up until a half hour ago.  Everyone is ok physically, thank goodness.  So much out of our lives we cannot control.  Is that why my mother has this incessant need to control everything else.  I could tell she was not happy when I called.  She finally unloaded about 5 minutes into the conversation.  I told her almost laughing that she cannot fix everything for everyone as she seems to be driven too.  That, of course, aggravated her, but it is the truth.  For whatever reason, she has the need to fix everything even at the expense of her relationships with her family.  Some might say that is just a mother's love.  I am a mother too.  That is not a mother's love.  It is an obsession.  I do not know what has caused this problem she has, but I wish for her sake, she would accept that we cannot control other people much like my co-worker could not control dude looking at his phone and rear ending her this evening.  So what does that mean for me?  Well, first it is the acceptance that people live differently than I do.  My sister is different.  She makes different choices that I would and clearly my mother would, but there is nothing wrong with that.  My sister lives life in a more reckless demanding fashion.  Does that make it wrong?  Absolutely not!  She has a good life and despite her complaints would tell you that she is happy, I believe.  For so long I bought into my mother's BS of live life carefully and you will have a good life or do this and you will be safe and the bottom line is that it is all BS.  All of it.  There are too many things we cannot control.  Even when we attempt to control all of the pieces that we can, the uncontrollable pieces still dive in and take over.  That is what life is, and I believe that it is hard to ruin life because life is pretty resilient.  We are told (or at least I was all of the time) not to do this or that because it will ruin your life.  I am calling BS to that.  It is too resilient. 
I regret not losing weight earlier.  I was 26 when I finally took control of my health and my eating disorder.  I regret it, but I realized today that I did it because I did not want my mother to have power over me and think for two seconds that all of her badgering about my weight as a teenager (and not more than 10 pounds overweight then if at all) and the hurtful (oh so hurtful) comments about my thunder thighs in any way, shape, or form made me realize I needed to lose weight.  I did it on my time so it was clear it was because of me.  Not her.  I can still guarantee that somewhere in her mind, she takes pride that I am thin and thank goodness she saved me by talking about my thunder thighs and how I had breasts at 9 because I was so fat (which I was not) is what she thinks.  I know the reality. 
It is deep within me to be careful and not take risks.  I was trained to be the safe daughter and not take chances.  My new favorite song has a line that I love.  "Why tip toe through life to arrive safely at death."  Well, Mom, you are tip toeing through life.  You complain about not going on vacations, but you will not go on one.  You complain about never getting masters degree, but I have been out of the house for some time now.  Live life, Mom.  That is a gift I try to pull into to who I am every day despite my inclinations to do the exact opposite.  I spend so much of my time worrying about all of these extraneous things rather than just living and enjoying a moment for once.  Life is pretty fun or it can be anyways.  I am not free of past burdens but I am working on it and hopefully enough that I am able to give my children the gift of actually living a life and not just sitting there watching time go by.  I spent a lot of time doing that.  That is what I regret.  I will never get those years back, but I can utilize this minute and the time I am given in a minute, an hour, or even tomorrow should I have the good fortune to get there.