The last 24 hours have been crazy. I often feel suffocated. The last 24 hours have been out of control. I am obsessed with tornadoes. I always have been so I find it ironic that I feel like things are whirling around me out of control and that is everything. I feel suffocated by it too like I cannot breathe anymore. I keep thinking that I have to take control somewhere at some point, but that never seems to happen or it seems like any attempts I make at that, just fail or are short lived.
The realization that the bulimia is back is hard. I am having a difficult time dealing with it right now. I made it through yesterday without purging, but I was not binging at all and there was not really a point for me to binge so there was no trigger. I wanted to binge, but I was able to hold off. My head was so foggy today that I did not warm up for my speed run like I normally do. I just jumped into 8 mph right away. Normally I do 6mph for a half mile. Not today. I just was not thinking right. Ironically enough, Duran Duran's Ordinary World is playing on my iPod right now. I hope I can find that ordinary world. I just do not know what happened in the last 9 months other than life so is it life that has me messed up. Why now? I keep asking myself that.
138.9 pounds. Better than yesterday so I will take it. I hit my workout today and yesterday so I am happy. I will not miss tomorrow since it is a gym day with my BFF. If I can just keep control of the exercise then maybe I can weather this. I keep telling myself that. I hope it is true.
Fingers crossed that today is another day of recovery and no binging or purging. I am too old to purge. My throat is still not quite back to normal. It will be tomorrow, thankfully.
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