December 21

I feel a sense of hope that I rarely feel in the winter. Part of it is that my favorite and least favorite day of the year has passed. I despise December 21 and love it. Why? It is the shortest day of the year. I hate it because it is so short. I love it because after that day, the days start getting longer until June 21, another day that I love and hate. I think things start to feel a bit brighter when the sun is out later. Now if we could just get some warmth. It also means that winter has started and once winter starts, it is only a matter of time before it ends. I am ready for its end. I am already dreaming of spring with green grass, blooming daffodils, warm days, and the sun just shining away magnificently. It always gives me hope. What 90 something days left now...I can make it.
I am a lucky woman, and I know it.

Little less than a month now

I have 26 days or something like that until surgery. I get more excited by the day. I actually contemplated canceling my surgery last week. (Long story.) It was during that time that I learned how much I really want to get this done. Thinking about canceling it seriously moved me to tears. I really want this. I need this. I want to feel young and sexy. I feel old and flat instead. I am worried about the kids during my recovery, though. Maybe this surgery will complete my 1/3 life crisis and I will be through it. Just hoping that I do not decide on a tummy tuck later.
I hate my scale. I weighed myself this am and it was 134.7. Then about 10 minutes later it was 136 so I moved it around and the weight varied, of course. I just need have a scale that does not change so I really know if I am losing weight. I figure that my weight is somewhere around 135 right now because the scale stayed around that (a few tenths under or over) as I moved it. So frustrating.
I am very much looking forward to the spring already. I will start my countdown after my surgery. We got snow yesterday. We actually got some earlier this week too, but yesterday's was more significant. I got to shove the driveway which is seriously one of my favorite things to do. I love shoveling snow. It was much more fun when we had a foot of snow last year. Yesterday's 3 inches was not as fun. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though.
I always get a little sad around the holidays. I can never figure out why. I think sometimes it has more to do with winter in general, but my favorite and least favorite day of the year is coming up, Dec 22. After that day, the days start to get longer which is a good thing!

As it gets closer

I get more and more excited for the impending surgery in January. Yes, I have about 50 humps to get through before then....son's oral surgery which is tomorrow, his birthday, his birthday party, Christmas with both sets of families, New Years, a station conversion, 6 FCC reports, and one EEO FCC report. It is a lot to think about it!
My husband said to me last night that he would not have me cancel surgery because he knows how important it is to me. I would cancel it in a heartbeat if I thought it would negatively impact my family in any way, but yes, it is very important to me. I enjoy my husband, but feel that I would enjoy him a lot more if I liked my body. Ultimately, I can live with the extra skin around my tummy, but not my breasts. It is tough to see great perky breasts everywhere and then see mine. It certainly makes me self conscious. I cannot hide my breasts in push up and padded bras from him. I want to be sexy and vibrant for him as much as for myself. I got married for life so this is it for us. It is a package deal. One of the questions on the implant board is why are you getting surgery. I can answer it honestly. I am getting surgery because I am 34 and feel 64 most days. I feel way older than my years. This summer I started to feel young and vibrant and sexy. Then I lost a little more weight and saw pictures of my breasts and felt old again. I want that back and I want it to be better than before. I figure surgery can help to give me back those feelings. Then maybe I will stop acting like I am 64 and live a little.
I am down to 136 and proud of it even though it is not where I need to be right now to hit 130 by surgery date. I never thought I could get below 140 and here I am. I am hoping to be 133 or 132 by surgery date and then lose 10 pounds by my birthday. I am realistic and while I do not like it expect to gain a few pounds post surgery so my goal is to lose it and then some by my birthday. 125 pounds here I come. Just hoping I will be back full at the gym by February, but that is another story...

Good reminder this week

First of all, let me say that I firmly believe in karma. I believe that for whatever reason, things balance out in life even day to day things. I try to be careful with some things because of that.
I had karma totally bite me this week. It was actually rather amusing in a way. You definitely reap what you sow.
I have a friend whose husband is having a difficult time right now. She said to me in way that I could tell made her uncomfortable, "I do not now if I ever told you, but he has mental issues." What most friends and people I deal with on a daily basis do not know is that as she put it, I have mental issues. I understood way more than she knew. Even just being me, I never know the appropriate way to explain how crazy I am without making me sound like a complete and utter nut. It is not that far out there. I am not dangerous or anything but that is where people automatically go when they hear "crazy" or "mental issues." There is definitely more of a gray area. Yes, I consider myself to be crazy. I do. I am, and I know it. I have known it for more than 20 years. I understood what my friend was telling me about her hubby this week. I know how close I get to that line that puts me over the edge to where I cannot really deal on a daily basis. Most days I am a good two feet away from that line, but some days, I get awfully close and it scares the hell out of me so I understood what she was saying and how her hubby felt. For people like me, we walk that line each and every day hoping that tomorrow we do not fall over on the other side. It is funny in that my mother always tells me "Oh, you are fine now." Or in regards to my weight, "You will never get fat again." Sorry, Mom. I live in today. Why? Because I do not know what tomorrow holds. Tomorrow I could decide to eat a whole meat lovers pizza and start the downhill slide back over 200 pounds. Or I could fall over that line and end up emotionally helpless again. I live in how I feel today because tomorrow's ground is never quite secure. Today is what matters and today I am thin and mentally healthy and ready for the challenges a day may bring. I hope my friends husband finds his way back. It is a tough road. I have been there more than once and know at some point, at any point, I could be there again. Just enjoying living in today since that is really all any of us have...