Summer is ending...

The days are getting shorter. It just depresses me. I love the fact that it is in the low 60's when I go for a run on the weekends, but I hate that I have to go out to run so late due to the later sunrise and I hate that it is getting dark so early. I know it is 8 o'clock, but still... Everyone talks about how wonderful the fall is. What is great about it? It gets dark earlier, it is a precursor to the cold, and everything starts to die. Yeah sounds perfect. I like the spring as the northern hemisphere comes to life. It just puts me in a better mood. I have something to look forward to this winter, but I still find it hard to cheer for the season ahead.
I am working on getting back to taking better care of myself. I was down to 141.3 yesterday. I will miss my goal of 140 for the end of August, but admittedly, I have not worked very hard this month. I am going to really try to get back on the train now. I ran almost 5 miles yesterday. It felt so good. I love running. I forget that when I do not run frequently. I am eating fairly well. I am going to work really hard this Sept to get down to 135 by the end of the month. I usually give myself about 3-4 pounds to lose each month, but I never stay on track so I am going to be ambitious and see if that motivates me. It really is in part about how I look, but there is a large portion that is health related. I want to be healthy and feel young and vibrant. I want to be able to do things with my kids and chase them and just be the fun mom to them.
Speaking of my kids, I do not talk about it a lot but my daughter is amazing. She is brilliant. That is already evident. She really counts...she does not just go through the numbers. She counts. I think it makes her a more difficult child in that she knows exactly what she wants and does not care how you feel about it. She knows she is right and that is it in her mind. I love her to bits, but she can be so frustrating. Her birthday is in October so my husband and I have to figure out what to do about school. Do we send her to a private kindergarten at age 4 and then put her in first grade in public school the next year? Or do we keep her back with her age group but then make her a lot older than most of her classmates. If she were not so smart, I would not worry about it, but I do not want her bored. I want to make sure that she is stimulated properly. A big concern about putting her into school early is Jackson. How do I deal with him being only a year ahead of her in school? It is a lot to think about. That is what I hate being about a mom. You make hundreds of decisions and hope that each one is the right one for your kids. Still have a tough time both days believing that I am a mom.

Weird workout am

I go to the gym. I am doing well on the elliptical ski machine whatever it is called. I go to run and the treadmill is not working so I left the gym. All of the other treadmills were taken (product of it getting lighter later I believe.) The rotating stairs were all taken too. I wanted to stay but honestly I could not face doing more elliptical and I really wanted to run. I came home and did some weights and push ups. I really want to fit into this dress that I bought for this weekend's dinner. Right now it fits like a glove which I like, but I would also like to be able to sit down while wearing it and that is not going to happen as it is now.
I need to talk to my husband about something without him getting all mad. I am honestly not 100% sure how that is going to go. Once he gets wind of the topic, he usually gets all worked up and everything and immediately dismisses my concerns or just throws his hands up and says, "Fine I will not do it." I wrote the blog the other day about how I feel rushed all of the time. He commented that he agreed and now he plans to add two more things into that feeling of being rushed....just silly, but what do I know. I am an expert on packing as much into 24 hours as I can, but like I said, what the hell do I know.
I am feeling bad about my body again. I am thinner than I have been since my junior year of high school, but these bad feelings keep creeping in. When I look at myself naked in the mirror all I see if the flab around my middle and on my thighs. I was surprised to see that my thighs at worst are a half an inch smaller than when I measured in May. The same thing happened with my hips, but that did not make me feel any better. I feel like all that I see is flabby skin. It depresses me a bit as hard as I work out...well, on those days that I do not bolt out of the gym. SO mad about that. If it were not so dark at 5:40am, I would have run outside. I love running. I did not realize how much I missed it until I started running regularly again. It was those long distances that were killing me. It was fun and challenging to see how far I could go, but it made me hate running which was a shame because I really enjoy it. I'll never run a marathon, but I can do 5 or 10k's on occasion. I am going to do an 8k this fall. It is a pretty hilly route, but I think I can handle it.
So tired all of the time. I am relieved that I get a break this weekend from the kids. I still will not sleep in on Saturday. I will definitely get up to run probably at the gym as dark as it is that early in the day, but it will be nice to be able to get back in bed with my husband without worrying about kids and also not have that stress of getting everyone up and out the door for breakfast. Next weekend we have my daughter alone. I look forward to that too. I enjoy special time with her like that. She revels in it too. It will be nice to take her to dinner and breakfast alone and just spend time paying attention to her. I wish that I was able to do that with my son sometimes, but he is older so he gets the special treats out a little more than she.

To my wonderful husband,

I wanted to explain a few things more depth regarding some of the things we talked about last night, and I want to do it without 50 interruptions from the kids so today my blog is for you. (I tried writing it out on paper, but I think way faster than I write and type too, but at least you can read this.) Anyways while I was running this am, I was thinking about you and what you said last night about how when we have had traumas in our marriage, we have come together. I dismissed you saying we have not had any. I was in a negative mood last night, and I apologize for that, and I was wrong. Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs. We dealt with the miscarriage, yes, which was devastating to me, but I see that bright light who comes into our room every morning and calls me momma, and know in my heart and soul that he is the child we were meant to have. He is going to be a wonderful man one day. I already know that and am so proud of it. I would not go back and want that day changed that day in our life ever. I would wash myself in that pain again and again to see him smiling every day.
We also had to deal with your possible job loss and for me, that was terrifying, but I got through it because I realized that as long as I had you and the kids, I could live anywhere and do anything. It did not matter at the end of the day. It still does not. I love this house, but I want you and need you and the kids. That house is just a shell.
I think when I think terms of the most difficult time in our lives together, I think of the time before our marriage. I think about you as a 23 year old kid not knowing what or even who frankly you were going to come home to each day. How awful that must have been. I carry the burden of that every day still. I never doubt your love for me because of that time. You could have and should have said, "I am done. Get your life together and then call me." You did not. I know it was because you were in love with me and that just was not an option. It took a lot of courage and just tenacity to continue to love me and want to be with me because you sure as hell were not getting a lot back in general.
The bottom line in our marriage is that we were very young when we got married, so we grew up together. Think about how much we have changed and how different we are. Our relationship has changed so much in the 11 years of our marriage. I feel that it is marriages that stay stagnate that have issues and ultimately fail. I think the reason I get frustrated when someone gives us marriage advice is because I want to look at them and say, "Been there, done that. You have no clue what has gone on our in short lives together and we got through it so I am pretty sure we will be ok." It is just how I feel. We will get through it, and we will get through what is going on now too. I know you feel it--my slowly pulling away that is. I need you to be there for me. Without that, I cannot trust, and if I cannot trust I cannot fully immerse myself in us, and I really want to do so. The last few months have been wonderfully amazing. It has been been glorious, and I would much rather immerse myself in the glory of being completely and utterly in love than just getting by each day as husband and wife and parents to our children. I love you so much. I look forward to every day of the rest of our lives together and all of the wonderful things we will do as a couple and with our family. We are lucky, and I know it.

Today started off weird

I like my schedule where I get up at 4:35a rather than 4:40. I feel less rushed when trying to get to the gym. I have made it more than normal this week. I was ready to get there today when I heard some commotion on our back porch. I turn on the light and see Beckham, our cat, looking at me. I figure she scared off some animal and think no big deal. I am getting ready to leave and I hear it again. I look out and she has a possum cornered on the porch. I proceed to spend the next 20 minutes trying to get the possum off of the porch which include coaxing her inside. (She is very fearful in general so once I got her in, she walked around crying.) It just started my day off in a weird manner. I definitely could have made my way to the gym after that, but I hate going late and frankly figured that the whole debacle was a sign to just stay home and read or get some work done so I did. I wanted to run today, but I would have felt rushed and I hate feeling rushed. I feel like I spend my whole life feeling rushed. Missing today will not kill me. I still have Fri-Su. As long as I work out 5 days a week I feel good. I need to really work on my diet. I really want to wear the skin tight dress I bought a few weeks ago. It is strapless and fits like a glove, a too tight one right now. It would look really good if I could lose a few pounds. It is almost there. I am eating too many nuts. This period this month really bloated me which is not helping the matter. I am trying to eat well to make up for it. The salt on the damn nuts are killing me.
I find myself getting depressed a bit early this year. I am alwys depressed when the fall comes because it means that winter is not far behind, but this year, I find myself getting depressed early. We still have several weeks of summer left, but fall and winter just seem so close. Maybe it is because I am up at 5a so I know that the sunrise is well after 6a now rather than the 5:30a it rose at the height of summer. I do not know, but I know that I hate feeling this way.
I realized over the course of the last few weeks that my hubby and I do not talk. Yes, we talk to each other, but we do not have discussions about things that matter. When I bring up something important that needs to be discussed or that I need to work through with myself or my family, it just gets shoved under the carpet. I brought up something yesterday and there was a brief discussion, and then sure enough, nothing else on it. The issue is still unresolved. It is a heavy burden to have to take on the stress of the entire family alone while trying to keep my own head afloat with my own issues, and since I have no clue what the hell is wrong with me, that is stressful enough. My period was similar to last month with a light first day, extremely heavy second day, and then a light third day. Today is the fourth day and if it is like last month, it will be light, I will have one more day of light bleeding, and then it will be gone. The only change is that yesterday was light bleeding versus the spitting I was getting on day 3 last month. Do not know if that means that anything is getting better or not. My temp was off today too. My low temp pre-ovulation is always 96.8. Today it was 97.18 which is strange. I do not think I ovulated--although it is not unheard of for women to ovulate during their period, and Lord knows how messed up my cycles are. I just want to be normal and have normal periods. My body is off and I just want to know how off or sick it is, how to fix it, and if it is something that has larger implications than just my period.
I still do not know what to do about my son's cavities. Do I let them sedate him to fill them? A child died her last spring while getting a similar procedure. The airwy seems to be the issue. My son could have airway issues. My hubby thinks it is "cute" when my son clears his throat. I do not think it is cute or ironic or think that it is because my son is trying to get our attention. He does it too often and too many times in a row mid conversation for that. I think that there is something going on there. That worries me even more. So easy to be a dad. Such a burden to be a mom and spend every moment of your life racking your brain to make the best decisions for your family to protect everyone. It is exhausting. No wonder I am so tired all of the time...

Disappointment

My jardale pumpkin vine has totally succumbed to disease. It looks terrible. There are a few pumpkins remaining on it. I am tired of pulling bug eggs off of it. I am ready to destroy the vine. It looks so sad with dying, fried leaves and all. I would be lying if I said I was not disappointed. I was so proud of that vine. It was a gorgeous sea of emerald green. Now it just looks crispy and wilted. The hot dry summer added to its misery. The only bright spot this year has been the loofah. The vine is about 40 ft in length, and it does not look like it suffers from the same issues as pumpkins do. It appears to be a little hardier. Because the vine is so long and there is only one fruit on it, that fruit is HUGE. I mean HUGE. It is about 2 ft in length. It looks like a green baseball bat. I cannot wait to let it dry out and peel it for a sponge. I need to research on when to cut it off and peel it. I did make a decision, though. We are not going to grow any pumpkins next year. We are going to let the disease dry out over the course of the next two years. It will also keep the squash bugs and vine borers away. I am hoping the vine borers will die out altogether after wintering over and finding no vine to bore in. (The loofah is way too thin for vine borers.) I do plan to do some more peppers (a more varied bunch since we do eat them,) tomatoes again, and some loofah since I like the results we got this year. That will probably be it.
The other bright spot in the garden....the dill. I was upset because we had black swallowtail caterpillars a few months ago on the dill that the bird ate. Well, we have a new batch, and they are doing beautifully. Some are an inch long and just gorgeous. I like to think that their mother was the swallowtail butterfly I found dead on our porch when my cousin passed away. It makes me feel better to know that she goes on and that I am watching her babies grow and makes me feel like Brian is doing ok. The concept of doing ok is weird for me because I am not really sure I believe in heaven or any form of an afterlife. I like the idea of it, but not sure that I believe it practice. Are there really angels out there? I ponder that question every now and then. I do not know the answer. It is just tough to believe that once you are gone, you are absolutely gone because life seems so real. Man's eternal question of why are here? Science would have you believe it was just chance and it could easily have been just another life form. Is that true? I know that in my small way, I am here to raise my children and be a wife to my husband. I believe that is why I did not die when I probably should have. In some ways I feel like I have always known the three most important people in my life even in my youth. It was like somehow they were always there with me. My son would like that idea. He is such a gentle soul. My daughter is probably more like me than I would like to admit, but she definitely has her father's temper. I wonder what kind of adults they will be. I know my daughter will be ok, but my son I worry about more. He will be easily wounded. I just hope that life is good to them always.
My hubby's new "work on my high cholesterol" diet is working for me too. I might just totally fit into that ridiculously tight dress I bought for our anniversary. I was down to 141.5 yesterday. My goal is to just get to 140 in the next 2 weeks. I plan to hit 135 by the end of the year and then evaluate where to go from there if I really want to try to get down to 130. We will see...