Hope

That pretty much says it all.  Normally this time of year, I am finding a fall funk so to speak, but for the first time in a long time I feel some hope that maybe just maybe I can get back to some normalcy.  My hubby made the comment yesterday about what a great summer it has been.  Yes, it has been wonderful in so many ways, but it has been horrible in others.  My eating disorder has reared its ugly head again.  I knew one day it would come calling for me.  I feared that from time to time but never dwelt on it.  Now I fear it because it is here watching me every day and calling to me.  So why do I have hope.  I did not feel it reaching for me waiting not so patiently to see the first signs where it could pull me in.  My hubby helped that some and for the first time in a long time, I did not feel so alone.  Most days I cannot fight it and I need help.  I am horrible about asking for help, but I did this time.  He helped.  I need that right now.  I will not need it forever, but for now, I need help.  I had forgotten what a struggle it is and how the disease is always there waiting and how once it sees a crack to get in, it does what it can to work its way in.  I will not forget that again. 
I have hope again that this fall will be good.  Maybe the weather will not be as warm as I would like and maybe I will have bouts of depression when I cannot go outside without freezing my baguettes off, but I can get through it and the routine of life will be good for me.  It is what I need right now to cope.  I will miss the beach, though, and pine away to be there.  I never really got to go into the ocean that much this year.  I cannot really go out there with the kids.  They are still too little, and the water was too rough when the hubby and I were there alone.  I will miss halter tops.  (You bet I am wearing one today since it will be 92 and those days are going away quickly.)  I will miss Water Country and the water show, of course.  I will miss long runs in the heat, believe it or not.  I will miss walking around Busch Gardens with the kids and playing games with them.  I probably will not miss the 4000 stuffed animals they insist on getting from those games.  I will miss my son's enthusiasm in riding the mini rollercoaster.  I will miss teasing my husband about running away with Dan Kelly.  I will miss riding my bike in the early am as the sun comes up, and I will miss the wonderful feeling that only comes from running as the world is waking up on a hot summer day.  I am thankful, though, to feel some peace today, peace that only comes from the hope that maybe I can cope.  Peace that comes from knowing that I can finish my marathon in Nov.  I know I can.