Enjoying rowing

I started rowing this week and really enjoy it. I went from 12 minutes the first day to 15 the second. I did 16 today. I am trying to work up to 20 minutes a day. I am down to 141.3 so I am keeping my fingers crossed that I might see the 140's tomorrow. That has never happened before. That would be a big boost for me. Not as big as seeing a 1 and a 3 in the first two spots, but seeing a 140 even if it is 140.9 would be nice. I think that if not tomorrow than I can count on that happening for Saturday.
Well, we made the decision to move my son's daycare. It has been a very hard decision, but I think we have found a place that we like. When I initially went there, I was not all that happy with the place, but after getting a few more answers and talking with the director, I like it a lot more. My only issue now is telling his current daycare. I love them and I hate that he has to leave them. I also do not look forward to telling my son's best friend at his current school. Those two have been best friends for a while now. I know that they would be split up next year when they both go to elementary school anyways, but it hurts knowing that I am the cause now. I feel so bad for him and for my son. They are going to miss each other. I hate knowing that I will cause hurt for another child for a while. I know we will get the boys together and that his friend will eventually find another best friend, but I still find it upsetting. Poor guys. Being a mother is dealing with a lifetime full of guilt. Everyone keeps asking me if I have talked to my son about moving schools. I have, but I am not sure how much he really understands. I am going to talk to him some more tonight before bed.

Can I do it?

I finally made it back to the gym today. It felt great to work out. I used the row machine a little too which was different. All in all, I did a 65 minute work out. I felt great. My knew was a little tight after. I heated it and will heat it some more tonight. I still do not think it is a good idea to run for another week or two. I will rest it a little more. I am still getting a good workout in the meantime and taking my daughter for a walk on the weekends is quite a workout as it is. She weighs 36 pounds so pushing her is no easy task. Plus, I enjoy taking her with me. She gets very jazzed about it. It is kind of our thing. If it were getting warmer instead of colder, I would buy a jogging stroller. If she still likes it next spring we will get one.
I decided that I am going to my appt with the plastic surgeon next week. I think that we are going to put off the surgery until next October. I feel better about the decision. My hubby's loans will be almost completely paid off by then and we will have more savings from which to draw. Plus, I can save some money between now and then. At the very least we will re-evaluate in the fall and see where we are. In the meantime, I am planning to work as hard as I can to get to my goal weight. I set it at 130, but in reality, I would really like to be 125. That would mean 17-18 pounds which is definitely going to be much harder to attain. Honestly, I could live with being between 125 and 130. I really want to see how far I can go. I never do that. I talk about how I totally dive in to the extreme of things. Well, I do not do that with fitness so here it goes. I am going to do it. I am going to also do that half marathon next year. I am going to make it a resolution. Here it goes for me. Weight today was 143.3. If nothing else, I really want to get below 140. It would be a big boost to me to do it!

Better to live with less financial security if you get something you want?

I am toying with that question. The ultimate question is do I spend the money on breast implants? Or do we save the money. We have savings. More than enough savings for the surgery. We do not have a car payment or carry credit card debt. But I always worry, what if something happens. What if my husband loses his job? What if I do? Then we are left with breast implants when it would have been better to save the money. I do not know what to do. We could pay outright for them now, and then just keep saving...I never know what to do. It is not an easy answer. It would make me feel a lot better. Why? I see pictures of women and what they look like in bikinis or even lingerie. I look nothing like that because my breasts sag and sag a lot. I was a nice full C cup before I had kids. Sure, they were not the perkiest things in the world, but they were not like flaps of skin that they are now. I no longer feel sexy despite the fact that I work my tail off trying to stay in shape. I would take smaller breasts that were perky and at least maintained some shape over my empty sack like breasts. I know that implants will not fix everything, but they could and would make me feel better about myself physically. Make me feel younger and more vibrant I really feel, but then on the other hand, I would feel the need to watch every dime I spend and I am not sure I want to do that...
I am cleaning out the garden. It is an arduous task. I was without gloves so I did not feel quite right about just shoving my hands in some piles of brush and bush. I will hopefully finish it this weekend. I have way more loofahs than I thought. It is out of control!

My daughter seems to enjoy our walks

I took my daughter with me both today and yesterday which means that I did not get to run either day, but 1. I feel like that is ok because it rests my knee even further. 2. Trust me, pushing 36 pounds in a stroller as I am walking about a 15:15 mile is no easy task. I am definitely getting a full body workout. I like taking her with me, but I really need some time alone. That may be just enough to get me out of bed at 4:30am tomorrow to go to the gym which virtually NEVER happens on a Monday. My daughter keeps waking up before I leave for the walk/run. Any time that happens she is going with me. She likes to see the animals and other people. Yesterday we got to see the sun rise. It was beautiful. Today it rained on us for the last mile. I was a bit disappointed because I had to stop and get her covered with the umbrella and stuff and then we have the argument over how low the umbrella should be. It slowed us down a bit. I was pretty happy, though, when I saw that our first mile was done in 14:05. For pushing a child in a stroller, I thought that was pretty good. My knee felt good too and due to the sprinklers, we had to run a little bit. I am pleased overall,but now a little bitter that the sun is trying to come out...
142.6 again today which means that I have not gained weight so far this weekend which I usually do. My goal is to now hit 130 by my birthday since I will be 35 after all. That gives me 24 weeks. I figure I can do a half pound a week. My husband and I need to figure out the whole breast implant thing and what makes sense. We need to talk about finances and such and figure out what is left on his loans and such and then go from there. We still have yet to book our disney trip which makes me nervous. We always talk about doing stuff, but never do it. Maybe we were reaching too high. I do not know. We have a lot to figure out.

Tired just plain tired

Have you ever been just worn down. This is not the exhaustion I felt when I was mothering a newborn. That was the worst. This is just being physically and mentally tired. That was pure physical exhaustion. I realized today that I am just UNHAPPY in a big way. My hubby always says that I never do anything for myself. I always disagreed. I feel that I do lots for myself. I get up at 4:30a (yes torture to some--me included some days...) to go to the gym. That is what I do for myself. It is my time for myself to just lose myself in my thoughts and workout and I always feel better. I do not think that I ever go to work that day thinking, "I wish I had stayed in bed." In fact in the summer when I am up and out running at 5:30a (because it is sunrise which I love) I love coming home at 6:30, spending a half hour outside brushing the cat, and then taking a shower to start my day. It feels wonderful. I am too tired for getting up at 4:30a right now. My son's illness has kept me awake all night. Not to mention my daughter's general issues going on. I think she is out of sorts because of my son's illness and lack of schedule due in part to his illness and our crazy lifestyle over the last several weeks. Anyways, now I am truly left without something for that I do for me. I do not go to work for myself. I do not cook dinner for myself. I certainly do not shop for myself. It is what it is. I am hoping to get out tomorrow in the am. My daughter might wake up early again, but I figure if she does I will take her with me again. Personally I would prefer to go alone and listen to some music and lose my thoughts, but if I have to, I will take her with me. It was nice to have her on the walk, but I would really prefer some time alone.
My son is better. Read today that spasmodic croup tends to hit boys more than girls so it makes sense that Jackson gets it. We just need to figure out a way to keep him healthy and without a cold since those always set him off. This episode while bad was mild when compared with his last few episodes. We did not have an episode of stridor like we did the last three times. Those were very scary moments. I am just glad he is mostly recovered. Poor guy.
Here is to a good night's sleep. I guess I should not have had that CokeZero with dinner!

Fat girl

Today the fat girl inside of me came out. I was home with my sick son, and she came a calling. Normally I silence her, but today I gave in. I had ice cream. It was a wonderful peanut butter ice cream with mini peanut butter cups inside. Now, if Target had had my favorite, cheesecake brownie, I would have likely eaten the whole thing, but they did not so I got a one serving ice cream from Edy's. It was good. I ate lots of french fries with dinner too. The irony being that I rarely make french fries any more. I figured that the poor girl rarely gets to live a little. I was going to allow her to live a little today. Tomorrow is a different story. I have not been able to get back to the gym due to my illness and now my son's. I am planning tomorrow depending on how tonight goes. My son has croup and the problem with croup is that it is always worse at night. But if not tomorrow, then I will try Saturday. I will not likely run more than a 5k on Saturday. I need to get back into it slowly. If I do not get to test my knee tomorrow at the am at the gym, then I will likely just walk this weekend anyways. I think I am fully healed, but I do not want to risk re-injury. I ran up the stairs a few times today. My knee felt fine.
My husband claims he is drained from this cold. That is how I felt Monday. I told him that he would feel that way come Thurs or Fri. The good news is that it is downhill from that point. The bad news is that the recovery in general is slow. I hit the wall today at 4p. I was just too tired to do anything else. Granted, I worked my tail off this am cleaning the house and organizing the kids' toys while my son rested, but still. I am hoping to be completely back to normal tomorrow. I just want to feel energized and normal.
I feel like we contributed to Jackson's illness. We did not have him nap this weekend and he went to bed late both Fri and Sat night. I know he would have gotten the cold anyways. (We have all had it now.) I honestly believe that lack of sleep makes your immune system weaker. I really believe that with children. Anyways, I feel like sometimes we do not do our children any favors. We just need to do better to take care of our children and each other. We spend so much time worry about pleasing others instead of focusing on what works for us and for our family. We have got to fix that.
I have resolved my goals to get to 130 by my 35th birthday. I just threw up as I typed that by the way. I just realized that I turn 35 in less than 6 months. Yuck. I knew I was 34, but I guess I did not realize how close 35 is. (Ok actually for a minute there, I thought I was 33 and turning 34. Funny how you start denying early.)
Ok, I would like to point out to all of the fall lovers that my son (half of my family actually) is ill for the first day of fall. Trust me, it is an uphill battle from here. Tis the season of cold, flu, and illness...glad someone enjoys cold and flu season.

Another episode of croup and one grouchy child

And the grouchy child is not the same one who has croup....
This house is fun. My hubby is sick. My daughter is waking up early so she is ultra grouchy and my son is having an episode of spasmodic croup. Life is fun. I am feeling better that is the only consolation. If I could make it to the gym tomorrow, I would be happier. We all just need a good rest this weekend. Hopefully we will find it. Just some peace & quiet at home...I have some loofah to dry and peel so that will keep me busy and at home all weekend. I peeled my first one today. My loofahs are huge. The first one is Amie's from work. It was the first fruit I got. I peeled it and milked it tonight. I got a lot of seeds out, but there are many more to go. As it dries out more more seeds will fall out. I am pretty proud of it. It looks really good. I hope Amie will like it. We should get at least two sponges out of the one loofah. I am hanging another for drying right now. I just worry it will fall on someone's head and kill them. I keep telling everyone to go around where it is hanging. Once it starts drying, it will get lighter thank goodness.

I am tired of being superwoman.

This is by far the most run down I have ever been. It is pretty awful. The good news is that my knee feels better, but between the cold and way too many busy weekends (especially this one--I did not even make it to the grocery store) I am physically at my limit. I think that my body is revolting. It has just had enough. I just need some rest and a break. Summer cold are always the worst they say. This one has been bad and weird. It has gone through cycles. A few times I even thought it was over. Not so much. I feel better today, but I wonder if tomorrow I will feel more ill again. I never know. I am hoping to make it to the gym tomorrow. My test walk with my daughter this past weekend was nice. I really enjoyed taking her with me on my walk. I did miss having some alone time. Come to think of it...the only alone time I have had in the last 8 days has been in the car going to work, to the bank for work, to a store during lunch, the 20 minutes I get once I get home after to work where I am running around cooking dinner or going home. I guess I really need my am trips to the gym back and my am runs. I need that quiet peace. Lord knows that there has been no peace in this house in the last two months. We desperately need some peace.
Men make me laugh. How can a woman possibly feel amorous when she is completely run down. That is the irony of it. I told my husband this past weekend that he expects too much. I cannot do it all and then some. Doing it all is plenty enough I feel. Frankly, I am tired of being superwoman. I do not enjoy it. It is exhausting. Somethings gotta give....
I ran a little in the yard tonight chasing my son's baseball. My knee felt ok. It felt awkward. It did not hurt, though, so I am happy. Keep your fingers crossed it stays that way. I certainly am.

Today is the first test

I am walking this am. It will be interesting to see how the knee does. I had very few instances of pain yesterday so I am hopeful. I plan to walk today and tomorrow. I will start some squats on Monday and then hit the elliptical machine at the gym on Tuesday. I hope to be back doing squats and lunges both by the following Monday. I hope to be doing the rotating stairs sometime late next week and maybe even run next weekend. I feel like I have a good rehab plan. Hopefully I am right. I am very nervous about reinjury. This is miserable. It was mostly in my chest and the top of my head until late last night. Now it is in my head completely. I hate this part of not being able to breathe. I just want it to go away. It woke me up at 4am. Now I sit here waiting for the sun to come up. I work in TV, but early ams like this, I really hate infomercials when I am impatiently waiting for something else to happen so I end up watching Sports Center which would be, but with the volume off, you really miss a lot of what is going on. I'll tell you a secret that I tell no one else...I do not actually hate football. My husband will be very surprised to learn this. I hate watching football for hours on end, but I pretty much hate watching anything for hours on end. That is just me. I like the drama of football. I actually like the drama of sports in general. Football always has a lot of it. That is the answer as to why I tend to know more about sports than I should given the fact that I never watch it...I keep up with it through the internet and pick up enough from the gentlemen I am around at work and at home. Going to the gym too helps these days. Sports Center is on there at 5a. It is 100 times better than watching CNN which for a while only ran stories about the oil spill in the gulf. It was literally the same thing every night.
Why do I hate wathing anything on TV for hours on end? I do not have the patience. I always feel like I could be doing something else. Plus with sports, it can get monotenous. To me, it is all about the end result. It is not like a book to me. I do not really care for the most part how it got to the end. There are some exceptions, of course, but those in football are maybe what two games a week?? I love NASCAR, but I even feel the same way about that. I cannot sit and just watch a race for hours on end. I get bored. Aside from the drama in the race, it is really all about the end, isn't it? Of course, I am only really happy when Kyle Busch wins, but that is just me. Ask my daughter what we say on race day and she says, "Go Kyle Busch!"

Mad at myself.

I am mad at myself for having runner's knee. It is so frustrating not being able to run. I am resting it and heating and icing it. I plan to walk tomorrow and hopefully work back to running next weekend. Keeping my fingers, toes, legs, arms, etc crossed. I miss it, but at least I feel like I can at least go back to the gym and do things like the elliptical next week. I need to lose another 14 pounds. One thing for sure---I will never take for granted my body and what it is able to do. It is amazing so I need to take care of myself and it. I am definitely doing a half marathon next year. I am planning on doing the one in August, but if I can find one close before then, I am there. I am definitely running the 10k in Ashland. It is a few weeks later next year. I am looking forward to it already! I just hope and pray that my knee will heal fully with no more issues. I plan to take very good care of myself going forward, trust me.
I made the appointment with the plastic surgeon for the consultation on the breast implants. I am thinking maybe doing it this time next year. Jon will need to take off a few days with me. That needs to be carefully planned and I would really like his mom to come stay here with us to help with the kids. We will see how all of it works out. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I think that the cost is going to be too much for us, but we will see! I just want to look better in that realm.

One leg injury later...

My knee right knee is killing me on the outer side of it. It is ok if I am walking until I rest it for a while or go up or down a stair. Then it hurts like hell. When I am just walking for any length of time it is ok. A co-worker thinks I should seek medical attention. I just feel like a doc is going to tell me to rest it, ice it, heat it, etc which I am already doing. I am just hoping it is better tomorrow and that maybe I can hit the gym by Wed and then run again by Saturday. Maybe I will not run and just walk. Maybe I will take another week off from running. The crazy thing is that my quadricep muscles still hurt...go figure. It has been two full days since I did regular squats and lunges. My muscles must be shredded in my legs or something.
If I recover from this episode in the next week or two, I am going to do it. I am going to run a half marathon. I probably will not have enough time for this one in November, but maybe for an early spring one or the August one if I have to wait that long. I am going to do it because I can run. I am now a little more thankful (ok, a lot more thankful) for the ability to run. It is a gift. I need to remember that.

10k today was a failure

I figured that I have done a 10k a few times before so why not try it today. I did 5 miles last weekend so I figured I could do a 10k. I barely made it 5k. I had to walk the 5th-6th kilometer. I ran again at 6k to 8k, but then knee pain hit and I figured I should stop. I tried running again at 9k, but the knee pain was too bad by that point. I just could not. I am very disappointed.
I talked to my neighbor today about the soreness I continue to have in my thighs each day even though aside from my am workouts (which I have been too tired to do daily--I am lucky to get 3 in a week) I do 30 squats and lunges a day. My thighs this week particularly have just not recovered at all. They were still sore up until yesterday. I did about 10 squats yesterday and no lunges and none of either today. He said, and he would know, that this kind of soreness is usually nutrition related. He mentioned protein. I do not believe that there is an issue there, but maybe I will eat a few more servings of protein. I believe that the issue may be more iron related. With the heavy periods I have been having, I do not think that it is much of stretch to say that I might have iron deficient anemia. I actually have a lot of the symptoms which is funny because I thought those symptoms were due to estrogen dominance. They still could be. Without true hormone and hemoglobin tests who really knows. Apparently, though, a lot of women who have estrogen dominant problems have issues with anemia due to the "flooding" some experience. I experience the "flooding" each month and have for about 4 months now. It is getting better, but it is still VERY heavy. I also changed our diet from a lot of red meat to chicken due to my hubby's cholesterol problem. That is a recent change that could affect my iron levels. Here is to eating more spinach and beans. Thank goodness I like them!!!
Well, the secret reason why I wanted to test myself on the 10k is because I am seriously considering doing a half marathon in 9 weeks. With today's failed run, I have serious reservations now. I never challenge myself. I want to challenge myself. Every day at work is a challenge, but that is different... I want a real physical challenge. I was never an athlete. I will likely never be one, but I can run and like to run so why not challenge myself in that arena I figure. I do not know what to do....time will tell, I guess. I have another 2 weeks to decide...

Always get a litte depressed

I am very bummed not to be at the Nationwide race tonight. I always get a little sad over the September race. Why? Because it is like the close of the nice, summery weather for me. The spring race is the start of that weather and then the September race is the end. That is probably why I prefer the spring race... So I now have depression on depression. Not a good combo. I have felt very dissatisfied lately. I am just not satisfied with my life. I started to really evaluate a lot of thing in it trying to figure out how to fix it or what I could do to change it. The heart of it is that the dissatisfaction really lies with me. I am not happy with myself. That starts to bleed out into other things, of course, so I have to stop the bleeding where it starts. Will breast implants fix the bleeding? Will losing another 15 pounds do so? There is always something a woman wants to fix so where do I start and then where do I end? It is a bit frustrating too because here my husband gets better looking with age, and I just look older. I do not know the answer but I wish I did. Part of me wonders if this really is just the winter blues coming on early or if I really have an issue with myself. I hate to hear everyone talk about how wonderful fall is. It burns my tail. Oh yes, it is great. It is 55 in the am so you have to wear long sleeves or a sweater, but by noon, it is over 80 so you are sweating. The leaves start dying. Sorry, any season associated with death just does not sound appealing to me, but that is just me. Fresh fruit is not so fresh and not so good. Our bodies start storing fat more and our brains make us eat more in order to store more fat in preparation for the winter cold. The days get shorter fast. What is so freaking great about the fall?? In my view the only two good things are pomegranates and Halloween and even Halloween has a minus because it makes us fat and sugar addicted. I try to find a few things for which I am grateful each day. The fall makes it tough, but I will try for at least three today...1. Pomegranates. I bought my first two of the season today. 2. A magical moment where I learned how brilliant my son really is. I knew he was smart, but he is way smarter than I thought. 3. Moments of peace and quiet with my sexy husband. (I'll even go for four today.) 4. Firmer thigh. I have always hated my thighs. Now not so much. They are really changing shape.
Perhaps it is just the early beginnings of the winter blues after all....Here is to a warm fall and a short, mild winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My son

Yesterday's log was about my daughter so I only feel that it is fair to talk about my son today. He is pretty amazing too, but in a different way. He is smart in his own right, but it is his sensitivity that makes him exceptional. He will not be a wimp...he is not that sensitive, but he pretty in touch with the feelings of others. He always has been even at a young age. He is a lot like me in a lot of ways. He gets people. I have always felt that was a gift. It is a gift for him too. He will make a wonderful husband one day. Other kids are also drawn to Jackson. It is not an overt thing, but kids like him and like to be with him. At parties, he tends to shy away from other kids. My husband thinks it is because he is not very social. I think it is because he is more independent. My son is at daycare all day every day and the kids love him there. My son does not feel the need to be in the center because he often ends up that way at school. He is a pretty child too which I think is part of the reason why other kids are drawn to him. He will be a very good looking man, I believe. I have always said that my son will rule the world and my daughter will tell him how to do it. It is very true.
Tiredness has kicked in. I did not want to get out of bed this am. I am tired and in need of rest. I am hoping to get a nap in today...

My daughter

I think she finally did it. She has given up paci's. We will see if it sticks, but the "paci fairy" came and left a pool for the kids to play in. My daughter did ask for a paci when we came in the house for lunch as she crawled up on the couch and under a blanket to get warm, but when I told her to remember that the paci fairy came and took them, she seemed ok with that.
I ran 5 miles this am. I ran to my boss's house and back. The last 4 miles were very tough, but I did it. I got through it. I had a stitch in my right side and some female issues going on, but I got through it. I kept telling myself it was a choice, and I choose to keep running....I hit 141.1 this am. So freaking frustrating. I would just like to see 140 point something. It would give me such a boost. Well, not as big of a boost as seeing 139 even if it is 139.9, but still. 140 point anything would be great. I always gain a pound or two over the weekend (and then work it off and then a few ounces over the week) so I doubt I will see it tomorrow. I am still trying to be REALLY careful today just in case I might see it tomorrow. I just always eat so much better during the week. Maybe if I run 5 miles again tomorrow....do not think that will happen, but then again, I did not expect to run to my boss's house and back this am. I just got it in my head this am and it stuck.
My daughter is amazing. I know that I say that all of the time, but it is true. She is beautiful and brilliant. I hope the beauty sticks. The brilliance will. She definitely got the best of the brains of my husband and I. I forget she is two sometimes. I know people see my kids together and think that I had them back to back. They are 22 months apart in reality. My son is large too, but not like she is. I tell them that one day I will be the smallest person in the family depsite being 5 ft 7 inches tall. I believe that is true. Both kids will grow larger than I am one day. My son for sure, but I believe my daughter will too. She is a large two year old. My son is a large 4 year old too.

My karma is upside down

I am not sure what I have done, but I have had the worst karma this week. Every other day I have had a major disaster at work and then on the days in between, minor problems. I am starting to wonder what I did. I feel like I need to burn some herbs or something to release the bad karma. I ran over a squirrel last week. I had a choice. I could either slam on my brakes with both kids in the car or hit it. I honestly thought it was going to retreat too so I chose not to slam on my brakes. I am pretty sure I hit it and killed it and am now left wondering if that is the reason for my karma.
I am ready The Gift of Fear right now. It pretty much justifies how I feel on a daily basis. I am equally leery about everyone. My husband always mocks me for it, but the author claims that I am right to be leery, and that despite popular beliefs, there are no safe places in the US for women. I am going to make sure that my children are protected. That is my main reason for reading this book and the other book I got, Protecting the Gift. The statistic is that 3 out of 4 women will be affected by a violent crime at some point in their lives. How scary is that? Makes you want to be a man....
I hope my sister is ok. She live on the sound north of the Outer Banks. I worry about flooding for her beautiful house. She said yesterday that the kids were excited about being able to swim and tube down the streets. I am more worried about her house. Hopefully they will be ok.
I feel like I have made better choices all. I went to the gym Tu-Fri of this week and have not had one screaming match with the kids. I have managed to be a calm parent even when situations were frustrating. I think my kids are happier and calmer too because of it. It just makes for a happier family all around.

Happy September 1

I did not meet my goal for Sept, but I am determined to meet this month's goal which is now a bit loftier since I did not meet August's. September always depresses me a little. This year I am determined to face it with excitement and not be depressed.
I realized the other day as I yelled at my two year old daughter because she refused to go to the restroom before bed that I am totally failing in my determination not to yell at my children. Do not get me wrong, I am a firm believer in discipline and consequences, but yelling should not be a consequence or a punishment. When my son yells at me, I need to take responsibility for that behaviour. I do not want to be that mom. I am better than that and should be better than that. I have spent the last two days working on it. I have done pretty well and hope to continue. Every time I want to yell, I just think what is the big deal. So what. She goes to bed 10 minutes later or he gets 2 more minutes of playtime. Ultimately both kids are good kids and listen for the most part. I tend to face life the same way I deal with my kids. I lose patience and get frustrated easily when honestly I should just ask myself what the big deal is. I find people, myself included, spend so much time being annoyed and wanting things to be different or a situation to be different or to be right in general that we no longer enjoy any moments in life. Everything is bland then and each day has way too many downs. It takes a lot of ups to continually fight that many downs especially when most downs are self imposed. I do not want to be that person. I have a choice is what I feel. I can choose to be different. All of that easy goingness that my husband talked about months ago has washed away, and frankly whatever made it disappear is not worth it. Frankly, I want it back, and I have that choice. It is on me.
I made that choice this am. I did not want to go to the gym. Between my son waking up from a nightmare at 11:45p, my hubby waking me up at 12:45a and then just waking up at 1:55a, I was exhausted this am, but I had a choice at 4:35a. I could get up and go to the gym and feel better that my day started well and productive and that I was taking care of myself or I could go back to sleep and then beat myself up for the rest of the day. I choose to go to the gym. It was a good choice.
The fluff book I just finished reading is all about choices. It definitely gave me food for thought, though. I choose who I am and what I do. Today I choose to start my day off right which hopefully will translate into a better day.