Amazing what stress will do to your body

I have to reduce stress. The problem is that I never really relax. When you look up working, in-shape, mom of two, there I am. My entire life is stress. I am up at 4:30a to go to the gym. Then I run home to get the kids ready for school. As soon as my son gets on the bus, I am off to work to arrive there at 7:35a. I work until 5p when I pick up the kids and rush home to get dinner started so we can eat at 6p. Then after dinner, it is entertain the kids and spend time with them until bedtime for the kids at 8p. By the time my daughter falls asleep, I am exhausted since I get up at 4:30a. As I told my hubby today, the most relaxing part of my day is at 4:50a when I in front of the gym waiting for them to open the doors. Why? It is the one time of the day that I am not rushing to next event. Some days I wish that they never opened those doors. On Thursdays, the am chick opens at 4:55a. Most people there like it. Not I. It is nice to start the workout earlier, but I like that time I have in the car. It is warm and peaceful and no one needs anything.
How do I destress when I do not know how to not stress? Being fabulous is tough, I guess. Are my physical manifestations just a side effect? No one can do it all, but aren't we told on a regular basis that super models are thin and beautiful and now they are all moms and they do it all....right? Granted they have a nanny or two, but still. Isn't it constantly bombarded to women on a regular basis that we can do it all and be the woman we need to be for everyone?
Anyways, I did not hit back in the 140's on a Sunday or Monday for the first time in a year. I am pretty proud of that. I weighed 137.6 this am and considering that it is Tuesday, I am hopeful I will hit 135 something by Friday, the day my weight is lowest. My goal is still 128. My physical therapist has me doing planks now. Lordy, am I ever sore from those, but it is worth it. He knows his stuff and I am thankful to have a great physical therapist. I will be sad in some ways when our time is done just because I have learned so much. Ok as much I like the physical therapist I hate going too. Why? It is one more obligation. See part of me thinks I need to change my mindset. Why is everything an obligation to me. I like physical therapy. I like the team there. The reason I stress over going is because I worry all eyes are on me, something I am not comfortable with at all. In reality, I know that people are doing their own thing, but my mind takes over.
The hubby asked how I relax...Maybe the better question is what is not an obligation to me. Spending time with Ames when we walk, emailing Ann, taking the kids to the park, spending time alone with my hubby. I relax when I garden so I did have one answer at least for that....

And the winter blues kick in and are making up for lost time....

I thought I would skip them this year. I made it all the way to January 16 without feeling them. Some might say that the reason why I made it so far into the year is because it has been unseasonably warm this year. That would incorrect. I know the 50's in the winter is "warm" but for me, it is not "warm." Warm to me is 73-74 and above. Ok, I can live pretty happily in the mid to upper 60's, but I prefer it above 73. Unseasonably warm around here in January means over 40. The temps have ranged around the upper 40's to mid 50's. I will take it because it is way better than last year when it was in the 30's throughout Jan and most of Feb, but it is not my ideal. So sometime last week the winter blues kicked in and let me tell you, the blues are gaining ground on the fact that they waited until mid Jan to find me. I hate the winter blues and add to it the fact that February is a day longer this year. I pray each day for an early spring. We deserve it as we have not had one in ages and the springs have been late the last few years. I need an early spring. I need open toed shoes and halter tops and bikini weather. Ok, right about now I would take short sleeves. I would take not freezing my baguettes off as I get in the car to go to the gym. I hope that they groundhog does not see his shadow Thurs. I am fighting the winter blues as best as I can, but it is hard. Just hard. I laugh when I think about my hubby wanting me to move to Boston. What a freaking joke. I would hate him every day of the fall, winter, and early spring.
I am down to 137 so I have lost a lot of weight in the last two weeks for someone my size. (At my weight, losing over a pound a week is a lot.) I am relieved. My eating habits have changed a lot. Although you would not know it by the way I packed it in on breakfast pizza this am. Sorry, but I never allow myself to eat like that and it was so good. There is a picture of Mirand Kerr on Wonderwall. Look, I think she is a pretty girl, but she needs help in the chest area and gets it from padding thanks to her main employer Victoria Secret, and I do not mean bras. That is a joke. Bras do not make your chest look larger in a bra or swimsuit.... There is one picture of her from this year's runway show where they have padded her in all of the right places and such. Whenever I need a motivator for my eating habits, I search for it. It helps a lot. My goal weight now is 128. I think I can do it by January 1. That gives me 17 weeks to do it. I can do it. Food no longer entertains me like it used to. Ok this am did, but that is because I never have cheese, bacon, or sausage. Yes, I mean NEVER so this am was a nice indulgence because it never happens. I will say that I love how kind people are, but food is so pervasive in our society that it is constantly pushed on you. I do not eat candy, cookies or cake and when I decline it, you would think that I have grown two additional heads. Drives me crazy. I try to avoid processed sugar as much as I can. I know it comes from a good place, but no means no, and it is constantly pressed on me even when I decline. Do not need it or want it!
Is there anything wrong with a beer at noon? A bit buzzed from the one I had for lunch.

How do I learn that I am loved?

It is a simple question if not a silly one. Who has to learn such a thing? Yet, I need to learn it. Rationally I know that my hubby loves me. He might be surprised to hear that that, but yes, I know it. Every now and then, however, it creeps into my brain that he is only with me by default. Ok, it is more than every now and then I admit it so what do I do? Do I trust him? My hubby gets mad because he thinks that I think he is this horrible person. Quite the contrary. I think he is amazingly wonderful. I just wonder if I am the right girl for him and if I am not, what are we doing here. I told him today that I wish I could be one of those women who could give him a "hall pass" and let him go live another free life for a week or two, but it would never work when he came home. I would never forgive him so I cannot do it. How do I trust that he loves me? How do I fix that part of my mind? I trust that my kids love me, but I also know that they have no choice. I am the main focus of their life. I trust that my staff loves me, but I know what a great boss I am. How is it that I cannot bring myself to trust the person I have put the most trust in by the simple act of marrying him?

Miserable women

Either a lot of books are written about how miserable women are, you know, the types who live for their families and let go of who they are or I am drawn to those type of books. It is one or the other. What is glaring to me each time I read these books is that the women are mostly products of their own unhappiness. They lose who they are. Do not get me wrong, their spouses often time help or encourage them to let go of their own identity, but the women go with it and then end up miserable. Most of them either end up in affairs or losing their spouse for some period of time. I guess I am drawn to them because for a long time I was on that same path. I lost who I was. It started long before I got married and long before I even met my hubby and long before I graduated from high school. My sense of self was stolen very early in my youth. The person I wanted to or hoped to be or dreamed about being was squashed. I was told that person was either unacceptable or not right or not appropriate or not helpful in some form. The tough thing is being 35 and fairly put together and trying to figure out who the hell you are. I have a hard time these days not being a bit bitter. I feel like I lost so much of my youth and I do not only mean when I was a teenager, I mean when my hubby and I first got married. That was the time we should have been living it up. I missed out on that stuff with him. It is tough to not want to go back and do it all over but then again I think part of the reason I am in the place I am in now is because of the kids and maturity that can only come with years of marriage.
So here I am 35 years old and trying to figure out who I am. It is confusing at times. The crazy thing is now that I am in this phase of realizing that I am not who I thought I was, I feel 10 years younger than I am actually am. I went from feeling 65 to 25 in a matter of months. I am ready to live life and not simply exist. I was miserable before. I knew I was. I lived with constant regret. I no longer wallow in regret. The life I have is great and I knew that all along, but the person I was was a miserable individual drowning in fear and regret. What kind of life is that? Certainly not one worth living. The benefit of realizing how miserable I was is a renewed sense of self and one where I know I do not necessarily have to be the person I was raised to be. I can be whoever I want. It has given me the freedom to deeply love my husband in the manner he deserves to be loved. It has given me the freedom to talk to him about things that I am feeling and fears and questions and anything else I feel he needs to know. It has given me the ability to see my kids as separate individuals who have their personalities and problems and that they are simply wonderful in who they are. It has given me the ability to see myself working to be the person I want to be and not be so afraid that I am being judged. It has given me the freedom to say "what the hell" because life is short and I have already wasted so much of it. I do not want to waste another minute. I cannot wait to see where the world and this life takes me, but I am no longer wishing time away. Time goes fast enough without wanting it to be the future.

Amazing what a good physical therapist can do

First of all, let me say that a good physical therapist treats the mind as much as the body. They make a you feel like you can do anything and at least in my experience, when you ask them "can I do this...," the answer is always "yes." Makes you feel 25 again! Their goal is to physically heal you, I know, but it is true mental healing too....at least for me. My physical therapist tells me that the sky is the limit. I will be able to do what I want physically. That is a gift and it helping to heal my soul. I no longer feel 65. I am getting closer to my actual age now which is nice. My calf is loosening a bit. Stretching and the physical manipulations he does are amazing. After the manipulation today, my right calf was completely loose. Granted, it tightened back up that afternoon, but it was loose in that moment. It hurt like hell during the manipulation, but it is worth it. I am working on hip and butt strengthening exercises now too. That will help strengthen my lower body to help me run better and put less stress on my calf. My physical therapist told me that it will give me buns of steel too. Not complaining about that....
I am doing the pole fit class a week from today. I am very nervous about it, but I am doing it. If I do not, I will regret it, I know. I do not want to not do something because I am afraid so I am going to go to the class. I am sure that I will be sore as hell the next day, but I will probably feel pretty good and maybe a little sexy. I finished my first book of the year today. That is one down for the year. I said that I wanted to hit one a month. That gets January out of the way which is good since I am sitting here typing. Today my weight is 140.2 pounds. I plan to get down to between 125-130. I would like to get there by May 1. How many weeks is that? I did buy my string bikinis. I have to say that I look better in a string bikini than a regular one simply because I do not have elastic digging into my love handles. I can live with how I look in them. We will see how I do at the beach. I am seriously thinking about getting a bikini wax this summer. Maybe....

New Year

Think my son is sick. He never admits it unless he wants to stay home from school, but he really likes riding the bus so he is not likely to admit to illness. Poor guy is really tired.
I do my pole fit class on Jan 17. I am pretty excited and nervous. I feel better physically than I have in a while. I just wish that the Y were a little less packed. It would help me run more. Physical therapy has been terrific. It helps so much which is why I feel better than ever. I am ready to run as much as I want to. Maybe this summer I will hit my goal of running a 10k on Sun each week. I just have to get my speed back and then I will be good to go. My leg still tightens during the runs, but it no longer hurts after. I did a 5k Monday which was great and the first time I have run more than 2 miles since November 27th.
I am starting to feel younger, sexier, etc. I just need to keep this up and eat more veggies and keep in the front of my mind the body I want. Now is the time.
I ordered my string bikinis. They shipped today. That should be interesting.....