A new reality for some

My family is crumbling.  Old habits and roles are breaking down and it is freaking everyone out.  Well, everyone but me, but I am so far removed from them.  I felt sad because I did not really have a relationship with any of them, but my sister and I are still reconnecting so there is hope.  I will take what I can get.  I love her.  Yes, she is crazy, but she is my sister.  I have loved her all of my life and nothing will change that.  I decided to run this half marathon because of something my mother said so I am running it for me but her too.  I am running it for her to get away from whatever it is that she truly fears.  I am working on figuring that one out.  I will not likely ever figure it out, but maybe symbolically, I can get away from it with a short 13.1 mile run.  Whatever it is, I am not afraid of it.  That I know.
I hit 11.25 miles today.  The IT band is tight...ok, it hurts, but it tightened as the day went on.  I rolled my left leg about mile 9.  That tensed me up and I think started the issue with the IT band.  Next week, it will be better, I know, and if not, well, Jason and I will have another set of dates.  Hell, I never thought I would be running over 10 miles regularly so no matter what, I am happy. 
My nephew, please live in the present.  Stop worrying about the future.  It may not even exist and frankly, as it likely does, I will tell you that life never works out the way you plan anyways.  Even the best laid plans, fail in some way.  Just fix the present.  The future will find itself.  Your uncle, my husband, told me the other day that life is better than he ever thought it could be.  Here is a gentleman who had his life laid out in some ways.  He never expect to marry his college sweetheart and to have that woman be his first girlfriend ever, but it happened.  Who plans for that.  Here we are 17 years later and very happy and fulfilled in every way.  The here and now is all we have so live for that.  Life is short.  You never know how short it is until you start to age.  Then you finally realize. 

Hamloaf?

Have you ever even heard of a hamloaf? It is a meatloaf with ground ham and crap mixed in. Who makes that?  We went to my hubby's family gathering yesterday and for some reason that was the main course.  It was mushy and pink and looked like dog or cat food. I am still just trying to figure out who thinks it is a good idea to serve such a thing because let me tell you, it is not a good idea.  I am still traumatized. 
The event itself was uneventful.  Mercifully.  I think the 4 of us are exhausted today.  I had to get up and run either today or tomorrow.  I choose tomorrow since I am really tired today.  The other thing is could it have killed them to put out a vegetable?  They did put out some melon, thank goodness.  I munched on a lot of that.  The kids and I might go get some more fruit today.  I keep forgetting that we are starting to get into prime fruit season.  I got some strawberries yesterday at the store.  That was about it.  Well, the hubby got blueberries but they are too sweet for me this time of year.  I prefer super tart. 
Tomorrow's run is 2 hours which should be 11 or 12 miles.  I am pretty jazzed.  The 11 is not too impressive to me but once I hit the 12, well, I will be pretty happy.  That should be either this weekend or next weekend.  I do not know.  I might wait until the weekend we go to the beach to do it.  Although, that would be a lot of back and forth on the boardwalk, but then again, I love running at the beach. 
I have gained 2 pounds.  I feel like I look thinner so I am not sure about the weight gain.  That type of thing always makes me nervous after the whole high estrogen thing.  My period was different than it normally is.  No flooding this time.  It was fairly light.  I had one day of normal bleeding.  That was really it.  I am hoping the these longer runs will continue to work. My legs are more toned.  See now I wish I had gotten up to run this am.  Tomorrow.  I will be in more the mindset for it.

Here are 25 things you do not know about me

I see other folks do these on their blogs so I figure it is my turn...
1.  My favorite color is yellow.
2.  Broccoli is my favorite green.
3.  I did not start running until I was well into my 20's.  Before then I always said, "The only time I run is when chased."
4.  I would rather eat peanut butter than anything else in the world.
5.  I lived in the same city for the first 18 years of my life.
6.  I would love it if my best friend from high school and I became close friends again.  We sort of fell off after my freshman year of college, but trade Christmas cards now.  I miss her even now.
7.  Speaking of best friends, my two best friends both have names that start with the letter A!  How funny is that!
8.  My favorite season is summer.  I like it hot!
9.  I love the beach.
10.  I lost the weight I gained in college and young adulthood because my OB/GYN told me I would not have healthy pregnancies otherwise.
11.  I have lost over 70 pounds and maintained that weight loss for over 7 years and through the birth of two children.
12.  I own over 60 pairs of shoes.
13.  I like to wear halter tops because I feel sexy in them.  I do not like the attention they get, though.
14.  My favorite household chore is laundry.
15.  I can still fit into the dresses I wore at both my junior and senior proms.  The junior prom one is a size 4!
16.  I love cats but no longer believe in having pets in the house.
17.  At one time, I had 3 cats, 1 snake, and a rat.
18.  I met my hubby when I was 19.  We have grown up together in many ways.
19.  I work in television on the business end. 
20.  I have the most wonderful boss in the world.  He is a great leader.
21.  My favorite flower is an Iris.  They look pretty and smell like candy!
22.  I played with Barbies until I was 14.
23.  At 36, I still have a very active imagination.
24.  I prefer to be outside doing things than doing anything else.  That is probably why I like the warmer months so much!
25.  I love running because it strengthens my body, makes me feel strong and gives me time to think inwardly!

How is that for 25 things!  My hubby probably learned a few things about me...

I hate the feeling after it happens.

I had a dream last night that has totally shaken me.  For the last few weeks I have been having very vivid dreams.  Some have been frightening. This one was different.  It was not scary, but it has shaken me in a different way.  It revolved around high school graduation.  Philip McDaniel was there.  He was the key player in it outside of me, of course.  My last boyfriend before my husband was there and wanted nothing to do with me.  He ignored me the whole time.  Philip told me that my ex wanted nothing to do with me because I became too selfish towards the end of our relationship.  I was trying to play it cool, but it hurt.  First of all, let me clarify that I have not had a dream about John in over a year.  Every now and then he creeps into my dreams and when he does, I wake up confused and anxious and almost hurt again.  I hate that feeling.  It stays with me all day.  I know why he crept into my dreams.  In talking with a good friend yesterday about how impossible it is to love someone enough to keep the relationship going when he does not return the feelings, I mentioned that relationship so I know he was on my mind at that point yesterday, but today I am still left with those confusing feelings.  They are all the more confusing because I am madly in love with my husband.  Why would something like this shake me up a bit?  It is even more confusing because honestly, I finally forgave him about two years ago.  I was not forgiving him for not loving me.  I was forgiving him for not being honest with me about that and the fact that even though he did not want me, he did not want anyone else to have me so he led me on continually.  I accepted that we were so young and he really did not know any better.  I even thought if we ever met, I would genuinely be happy for the good  life he probably has.  I have a great life. I would want him to be happy for me and not in a "oh, look what I missed out on with Tiffany" kind of way, but in a genuine way.  So why do I feel this way today?  Once you truly love someone, do you ever stop loving them?  I no longer want to be with him or pine for him or even want him to want me so why am I all emotional about this today?  I know he was a big part of my life, over 4 years of it to be exact.  Is that why?  It has been 18 years....
I want to clarify one last thing to my hubby who will read this.  I love you now.  I have loved you for the last 17 years of my life.  I have loved you beyond desperation for the last 2.  The strides we have made, lordy, even in the last week, well, they put our relationship on a whole new level.  I never want to be without you.  It is not life to me if you are not in it.  I never felt that way about John.  I felt judged by him and never accepted.  He was never and could never be the man you are.  I needed man to let me push and give me my way most of the time but push back when it called for it if for no other reason than to prove he is a man.  You give me everything I need and more.  You are what I need.  I think you are secure enough in our relationship to know all of this, but I want to tell you these things so you know what my dream really means.  I love you.

Coming home

That idea means something different for everyone.  In my own way, I am having my own personal homecoming.  I finally decided that I was going to call my sister.  I finally came to the realization that I was helping to perpetuate my mother's insanity and this whole idea of "secrets" she carries forward by not calling my sister just because my mother asked me not to let her know that she talked to me about my nephew.  I texted her and asked if she had time to chat.  She said she was home until 11a so I called from work.  We talked for over an hour.  It was the best conversation we have probably had in our adult lives.  She feels lost and is constantly questioning every decision she is making just like any mother would, of course.  I just offered support and reassurance.  We laughed.  We cried.  We gossiped and we sympathized.  Few thing have felt so good and let me tell you it has been a really good year so far so that is saying something.  I love my sister and I have missed her more than I can ever express.  It brought us back together.  She even called me later in the day to tell me about something crazy that had happened to her.  She texted me this am again.  It is like coming home again to a relationship that I have desperately needed and one that I have wanted for over 30 years.  I am so sorry for my nephew and the difficulty he is going through, but I am thankful for it in that without it, I would not have called my sister.  They say that everything happens for a reason.  Maybe that is the reason for my nephew's illness.  Maybe it had to happen to bring my sister and I back to one another.  Who knows.  So sister, I want to say that I think you are a special woman.  I think you have weathered many difficulties and will weather this one too.  You have a wonderful husband who loves you and accepts you and will do whatever he can to help you and your children.  I plan to be there for you and support you and advise when you need me to do so and shut up when you need me to just shut up and listen.  I am your sister.  I know the difference.     

Happy Mother's Day

Some people celebrate by getting breakfast in bed.  Some people celebrate by going to the spa.  I celebrate by going on a 10 mile run.  10.32 miles to be exact.  I am so happy.  I finally hit 10 miles and it actually felt pretty good too.  Nothing hurts right now except my stomach.  I totally pigged out after, but all in all, I feel really good.  When I talked about hitting 10 miles back in January at physical therapy one day with one of the techs, it seemed so far away.  I remember thinking that I would never likely hit is this year, but I did.  1 hour and 45 minutes.  Next week is a 2 hour run.  I can do it.  I just wish when you did a timed run that the Nike Plus gave more feedback along the way.  It only tells you when you are halfway done and in your last 5 minutes.  Knowing I have a half hour left or even 20 minutes left would be helpful.
My BFF told me that when she ran a marathon about mile 16, she just let out a string of curse words because she was dead tired and realized she had 10 miles to go.  I did that about mile 7 today.  I got a good chuckle out of it.
So there is a line in a song that I had on my Ipod that says, "How about me enjoying a moment for once."  That is so me.  As mentioned before in previous posts, I hardly ever enjoy moments because I am always waiting for the next thing.  I find these days that I am enjoying moments more and more regularly.  I went to lunch Friday with my BFF, something I have never done before.  First, you have to have a BFF which I did not have until about a year ago and second, I never go to lunch with anyone.  God, it was so great.  I mean wonderful.  I did not want to go back to work.  We ate and then sat and chatted for a while.  I felt so grateful in that time and as I left.  I have a real friend.  Not a friend from work or a neighbor, but a real friend.  We can talk about anything and everything.  It is just easy.  She is the first person after my hubby that I wanted to tell that I ran 10 miles.  I am just comfortable with her.  We need more lunches that is all that I know.  There was no work conversation about drama at work.  There was no emotional complication like with the hubby.  It was just one friend talking to another.  I actually relaxed for a while.  I now crave that.  Yesterday I had another moment.  We were at a wedding.  The kids were playing and dancing.  It was so enjoyable to watch my daughter leading my son like they were formal dancing.  I enjoyed that moment.  It was not as relaxing as my lunch with my BFF, but I was not waiting for something else to happen or for the next step.  It is a good feeling!

So tired of feeling bad emotionally

Lord knows how draining it is.  I feel like I am on a rollercoaster.  Some days are good.  Some days are really bad.  Life should not have this many serious ups and downs.  I have been thinking about the problem a lot this am.  Unfortunately, my trip the gym did not work out.  The Honda is well, trying to die.  I brought it back and left in the Nissan but my rowing gloves are in the Honda so I figured God was trying to tell me something when I got to the gym and realized that I had no gloves.  Rowing without gloves is hell on my hands so I decided to go back home and do my hip exercises.  I wish it were a lot warmer today.  I would have just walked outside then.  Anyways, back to the emotional BS.   Every time I think of it, I am reminded of V. Shoffstall's poem where she says, "Plant your own garden, instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers."  I really struggle with that.  I know all women do too.  We want feedback and to be desired.  These days for me anyways, that seems like so much to ask.  I feel like I feel good about myself most days.  I do.  There are certainly things I would change if I could, but all in all, I am happy with the way things look and feel.  I think for me and most women, is when we do not get the feedback, we start to wonder, "Maybe I am wrong."  So while I do agree with V. Shoffstall, I respectfully disagree because I think every women, even those who have planted their own gardens, still want the flowers brought to them.  We want to feel appreciated in every aspect not just the cooking dinner, cleaning the house, and the caretaking.  Those things just make you feel old and like you are hired help.  We want to feel appreciated in ways that make us feel like a woman outside of being hired help or a mom.  Being appreciated as a women gives us some of our youth back and helps strengthen our identities outside of the mom and employee and maid stuff.  That feeling of being a woman and being womanly is the core of who we are and most of us lose that along the way because we are too busy being moms and the hired help.  It is so sad.  Women just want to feel like women and be appreciated for being a woman so screw Mother's Day.  How about Woman's Day?  How about celebrating being female and all of the wonderful things that go along with it!  (And just to go on record, I do not mean this in a feminist way.  I am all about woman power, but I am female and appreciate those things about me that separate me from males.)
Anyways, my challenge, as I think about it, is to find a way to let go of the need to get feedback on being a woman outside of myself and my female friends.  Part of that means that I have to trust myself more and find that my feelings on myself are enough for me and will grow the biggest and best garden every.  How to do that is the million dollar question, right?  Figuring that one out would put the woman's magazine business out of business.  Isn't that what all of those magazines are about?  How to look better for your man and how make him appreciate your womanliness more?  Ok, I about died laughing as I wrote that, but the fact remains.  IT IS TRUE!  For me, in order to get off the emotional rollercoaster and find complete satisfaction in life, I have to figure out a way to do it because this situation I am in, well, it is not going to change.  I think I have been in denial of that for a long, long time, but the fact is, it is not going to change.  I need to reroute my thinking and work tirelessly on letting go of that need.
Today is going to be a beautiful day.  I am very excited and cannot wait to see what trouble we can get into today.  We have a very sweet friend getting married today. I hope and prays that she has a wonderful, long marriage.
Last but not least, Go KB!

Ready for 10

This week is 10 miles.  I feel like I can do it no problem.  Normally it would sound a little intimidating but knowing I did around 9.3 last weekend helps.  I feel stronger than ever.  That helps too.  So I decided yesterday that since I was ready to tackle a half marathon that I was going to learn how to do a back bend again.  In high school, I could do a full back walkover.  So I practiced and got the back bend pretty quick.  Now I am going to get the back walkover back.  I need to work on my back flexibility.  That has plagued me for the last year and especially post slipped disk, but with the stronger core now, I feel like it is something I can handle.  I want to get my flexibility back and be able to do the things I used to be able to do.  I get that I am twice the age I was the last time I did some of these things, but there is no reason why I cannot work to do these things again.  God, twice my age.  That just sounds so depressing. 

Pretty proud of myself...

I went out at 6a today and it is gross.  It is in the low 60's, but it was misting.  Not to mention the fact that I wanted to curl up with my husband this am rather than get out of bed.  Those two things were working against me.  Then my sensor for my Ipod stopped working.  I have had it for 3 years so I knew I was on borrowed time.  So I did not want to get up, the sun is not shining, it is misting and I cannot keep track of my mileage nor will I have it in my ear constantly telling me how much more time I have to go.  You know what I did.  I ran anyways.  For 1 hour and 35 minutes.  It has to be close to 9 miles.  My hip starting hurting in the last 20 minutes, but I really think that is because it is time for new shoes.  I am so proud of myself.  Running is such a mental thing for me--it is for everyone but even  more so for me.  I still went.  I did have one small motivation.  I will not say what it is because my hubby will read this, and he would not be happy.  Either way, it got me out there running, and I am happy that I did.  I will measure the mileage as best as I can later.  I need to figure out the sensor thing before next weekend when I have 10 miles.  I want to see that 10 since it will be the farthest I have ever run.  Hopefully next weekend the sun will be shining instead of this constant mist that I dealt with.  It was just gross.

Pool party

We had a pool party today with the blow up pools.  It was allegedly for my hubby's birthday which was yesterday but it was more for the kids than anything else.  I trucked around in a 2 piece.  At first I was a little uncomfortable, but then I felt a little better the more I wore it.  I know my body is ok and passable so it became easier as the day wore on.  I was more nervous about the neighbors judging me than anything else.  I do not know why I worry so much about that, but I do.  I was not indecent or anything, but I still worry.  Trucking around in a 2 piece is just not something I think they would do.  After a while, I just decided to own it and be that person who trucks around in a 2 piece when the family is playing with the pools.  That made it a bit easier.  I get so nervous about being "that neighbor," you know the one who cares about how she looks and such.  Then I realized that I am that person.  I care about how I look very much.  The only difference is most women who care about their appearance care about other men noticing them.  For me, there is only one gentleman that I care about noticing me and that gentleman sleeps in bed with me every night. 
Speaking of that gentleman, I think we made some progress last night.  For the last year I would say, things have either been great with us or terrible.  I finally told him that I am damaged and that if he chooses to stay with me, he has to accept a certain part of that.  I am working on my flaws, but they will always be there at the core of it.  I will not always deal with situations as normal people would.  He has to accept a certain amount of that.  Our discussions forced me to really talk to him about some of my issues.  One of the issues we talked a bit about was the bulimia.  I always thought I was cured of bulimia even though I rationally know that you are always a bulimic once you go down that path.  In talking to him, I realized that the reason I am so controlled with how I eat is because if I binge, I will purge.  I avoid binging so I never had to purge.  Funny how that works.  There have been days when I have binged, obviously, in the last year.  One I did purge.  The other one, I just dealt with it.  I used to binge and purge anytime he was traveling for work.  Now I just do not eat.  That has resolved that issue.  So I guess I finally buy it.  Once a bulimic, always a bulimic.  It is true! 
Anyways, back to the hubby and I...I think we are finally to a point where we have established some trust again.  It may not be a ton of trust, but it is there.  We need to take what we can get for now so I am happy. 
I have a 9 mile run tomorrow.  I am very much looking forward to it!  It will be great to have that alone time.  My alone time in my head on Thurs was not very good.  The rower was not working too well so my mind was elsewhere.  Tomorrow is the perfect time to allow my mind to just go as my feet just go themselves.

Longer runs

The longer runs are going well.  8 miles down this past weekend.  It felt really good and I was not too tired after.  I have 9 miles this weekend.  I think it will go well.  I actually ran back to back days on Tues and Wed and still managed and felt really good.  I told my hubby on Wed that I finally feel strong again.  I am not dead tired after runs.  I feel strong and good and like I can do the things I want to do.  13.1 miles, here I come.  I have yet to hit 10 miles so that will feel really good too.  Not Sunday but next Sunday that is on the menu.  I cannot wait.  It will be a great feeling!!!
Warm weather is here and I am loving it.  My garden is starting to take off a bit.  No pumpkins yet, but that is my project for the weekend.  I need to get those seedlings going.  A summer without pumpkins will not be a good summer for me.  I want those pumpkins growing.  The green beans are growing and the pepper plants are coming in.  Things are looking good.