Irony hits this weekend.

As I continue to wade through this reawakening of life, as luck (or something else) would have it, my mother actually said to me, "I hate my life."  Now there is no need to go into the whole thing about how hurtful it is to have your mother tell you this.  We all know it is incredibly hurtful.  I am mentioning it just to explain how ironic it is that I am finally wakening from a deep sleep and clearly in good time.  I was on her path.  Lordy, was I ever on her path.  I remember being 7 or 8 and telling my sister that my mother was not happy.  My sister, who is kind of oblivious, tells me that no one is always happy.  That was not what I meant and maybe my sister realized it and tried to hide what she was thinking.  Either way for a young child, I find my statement very perceptive now.  My mother never enjoyed her children.  She never enjoyed life.  I think that is the problem with trying to control everything.   You are never in the moment and can never just relax.  Rather, you are always looking forward 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour, a day, a month, and even a year into the future.  You are never just present and let's face it.  All we really have is the present.  I was like her.  I remember the first moment I enjoyed and just decided to "be."  My son was 4, I think.  We were sitting at a Bruester's.  I had gotten him ice cream after going to see a NASCAR showcar.  He was taking forever eating his ice cream like any 4 year old would.  It was making me crazy.  I wanted to go.  In my frustration, I realized that I needed to relax and go with his time and just be present and enjoy the moment I had with him.  It was not when I started to really change my life and the constant need for control, but I noticed the day that it happened what an important moment it was in my life.  I knew even then.  I feel incredibly sorry for my mother.  How does one live so long and never enjoy those years.  How does one choose to be that miserable, and yes, I believe it is a choice.  If there is one thing I could say to my mother it would be this.  Yes, you have had a difficult life, but you are not special in that.  People suffer.  They suffer big, and even if their suffering is not as huge as yours were, they are still horrible to them and it is the perception that matters.  You may find their problems inconsequential when compared to yours, but to those people, they are massive.  Do not take that from them.  It is insulting.  Rather know that we all suffer in our own ways.  Some just suffer more quietly than others.  Trust me, you are not quiet about your suffering.  Not at all.  You think you live a life of quiet desperation.  Trust me, you are loud.  Your misery was evident every day that I lived with you.  It was present always, and frankly, it is the reason why we do not have a relationship.  Your misery affects everything and everyone around you.  I do not want to be a part of that any longer.  I am trying to live a good life.  I am choosing happiness and my husband and my children over anything else.  You made your choice.  Do not judge me for mine.  There is room for you in my life if you can wash yourself from the misery you have immersed yourself in for years, but only if you can try to do so.  The sad thing is that I do not believe that you can do so.  It is too much a safety net for you.  I fight my old safety nets every day--almost every moment, the ones that you taught me and that constantly tell me to shut in and not trust and be afraid of feeling and loving and wanting something else.  I want something else, Mom.  I want a good life.  I want a happy life.  I want an awesome marriage filled with love, trust, lots of sex, and complete and utter devotion.  I want to be madly in love with my husband and not be afraid of that love.  I want to spend moments with my kids and not be thinking about what we will do in 10 or 15 minutes.  I want to stop waiting for the next event.  I want to stop waiting for my husband to leave me because I am not worth him loving.  I want to stop waiting for him to leave because he will someday see that I am not really fabulous.  Mom, I want to stop being afraid.  Life is not about being afraid.  Fear keeps us from really living.  I have been shut in enough.  I want to live.  I do not know why you did not choose life.  I am choosing life.  I will fight those old safety nets as long and as hard as I can.  Life is too short.  I am not wasting a moment.  I am running a half marathon in August.  I don't care if I do not run the whole thing.  I am not afraid.
Go Kyle Busch.  Kick their tails tonight!

Be thankful for the life that is left

Words to live by and words that I struggle with.  I need to be thankful that there is life left to live and not focus on the regret of yesterday.  I need to keep telling myself to more forward and not look back.  Life is good now and I need to think about that and focus on the remaining days ahead.  It is funny watching "Say Yes to the Dress" right now.  My mother, in her typical fashion, had to ruin dress hunting day for me.  With her weight issues and the fact that I was heavy at the time, well, it just was not pretty.  I need to let that go.  Looking back the dress I wore, it was so not my style.  Probably because I just wanted to get out of there and felt like I could not be beautiful in a dress.  I have the found the dress I would wear if I were to do it all over again.  Trust me, it is tempting to buy it.  I want to  feel beautiful in a wedding dress.  Just one day to feel beautiful in a wedding dress.  That is something I have never felt. 
The book I am reading talks about putting off what you want to do and experiences and making memories because you are too busy with life.  I am going to stop being too busy with life. 

Lent is over and

I gained 5 pounds from post Lent. The food was good but I felt horrible. Not really worth it in my opinion. I have lost the weight already as most of it was water. I eat out of whack one day and I retain water like crazy. Just crazy to me. I think the food also threw my hormones off. I have had some troubles that mimic what I went through last year. I am hoping it is just a weird thing and I will get my period in a week and a half on schedule. I just do not want to go through that again.
My garden is coming along. The jalapenos are growing. No other seeds have sprouted. These cold snaps we keep having are causing problems. I was so hopeful that spring would continue, but 53on Wednesday was not exactly good.
I have been very moody lately. I think it is the hormone shift. I wish that it would go away. Poor hubby has been neglected and I know feels distant from me, but he just deals with it in stride and takes it as me just being crazy me.
Why is it that the people we revere in society are scumbags who cheat on their spouses or lie or cheat? Why is that? I find it terrifying as a woman and a mom. It is a direct threat on my family and my marriage. If these people are so well thought of, there is no way that their bad behavior is looked down upon. No, rather we accept it and move it. Why are we accepting it? Why? Society is too loose if you ask me. We should expect more of people.
The weekend is supposed to be gorgeous. I am hoping that the weatherman is right. I need a good, warm weekend to get me out of this funk. Maybe that has been the problem all along. Cold and dreary weather. I am a spring chickadee after all. At least that is what my boss says.
I am back to running 15+ miles a week. I have not done that in probably a year. It feels good. I hope to continue it. It just feels right. I did not realize how much I missed running like that. Sure it is hard when I am doing it, but it gives me time to really think and I love how I feel after. Today was a 5 mile day. It was awesome. It was a shame we were on treadmills, but maybe next week the weather will be warm enough. Got my 10k on the 21st and I am ready!

Letter to my mother:

Dear Mom, I love you very much. I always have and have done what I can to gain your approval. Most of my life, I feel like I have failed at that latter so I am hoping with this letter, we might gain an understanding of one another. First, please, if you have anything left in the house that is mine and you no longer wish to keep, please donate it or throw it out. If I needed to have those last possessions, I would have them already. This constant influx of stuff is overwhelming me and my life is overwhelming enough. I work 45-50 hours a week, workout and stretch another 10, and spending what remaining time I have between taking care of my family and my house and sleeping. I have no time to dig through boxes of stuff. I may have loved it once, but clearly at this point in my life, it is no longer important. I have those things that are important to me. I am good. As you know, I have never been a material person. Things do not matter to me like they do to other people. I do not have to have the newest computer, newest car, newest house, newest purse or new anything. I find value in people and my relationships with them. My house will never be the prettiest but that is ok with me because I am completely and madly in love with my husband and short of sounding too cliche, that makes for the prettiest house I have ever seen. I work constantly at being a better mom and doing things that I think my kids will look back and remember doing with me. That just adds to what I feel I own and again, I am not talking about actual objects. I do not like stuff. I like empty, open spaces and places to roam and feel free and at peace. I grew up sharing a room which is fine. You and my father provided a great life, but I shared space so now I just want space and to be able to just enjoy that space and not fill all of the nooks and crannies in my lovely home with stuff.
You call me a minimalist. You mean it in a not so nice way. I take it as a compliment. Yes, Mom, I am a minimalist. I do not need things to keep me happy. I do not like stuff. Rather, I love my life with my children and husband and my job and the wonderful people with whom I work and please do not let me forget my wonderful social circle at the gym who have helped me find a sense of self. Mom, that sense of self tells me that I am a good person and my values are rich and profound and they revolve around the things they should and those things are not stuff. I hope one day you can accept my lack of value of stuff and know that objects are not all important to me. I understand why they are to you. You had little growing up so stuff mattered. I hope for you that you can find one day that the stuff in my life did not matter. I am thankful that you bought it, but it does not matter and never really did matter. What mattered to me was my relationship with you in which I have always felt a certain amount of strain and stress which I think you have tried to fill with stuff. Can we please stop filling it with stuff? I think it would lessen that stress and strain and help us to gain a new understanding of one another. Think about it....