I was going to do it

I was.  I was ready.  26.2 miles.  I was going to do it.  The whole going down to the half thing was a mind game.  I knew it, but I had convinced myself it would work.  I knew it was too late to go down to the half.  It does not matter anymore, though.  I am not running the marathon.  I will not ever likely run a marathon.  I always thought if I gave up running before or during the marathon it would be because of me and that scared me.  Well, as it turns out not so much.  So I move on.  Honestly, I am so tired of being the sturdy, steady chick.  When do I get to break or fall down or really have my time?  Never.  It never happens and it never comes.  For once in my life, I wanted to do something amazing and spectacular and have it be all about me.  Even my own wedding day was not about me.  It was about the freaking weather.  I have never had a moment that was truly about me.  Here I am 37 years old and that has never happened.  No birth of any of my children have been that way.  That may be hard to believe, but it is the truth.  So when is my turn?  Do some of us never get a turn and that is just how it is?  I am starting to believe that is the case.  I really do.  So I go back to being sturdy and hardy and strong just like I am expected to be.  Sturdy with limitless capacity and perfect.  All of these are supposed to be compliments.  Trust me.  They are curses.  It is amazing the expectations we set on people early and how we always expect those to say the same so much so that it never changes.  By the way, someone who is sturdy and strong and hardy is like a stone...and then you wonder why that person seems devoid of emotions.  In order to be strong and sturdy and hardy, that is what has to happen.  It just does.