Where has my fear gotten me?

The book I am reading, the main character contemplates where her fear has gotten her?  She wonders what has it done for her?  That got me thinking and wondering.  Where has my fear gotten me?  What has it done for me?  For her, it made her lie to her daughter who became increasingly resentful and acted out.  For me, it made me fat for a while, anyways.  It made me close the world in rather than looking out at it and growing it.  When you are afraid of the world that is what happens.  It also made me afraid to try anything new that no one else in my family had tried.  It also made me want to leave one of the most wonderful men I have ever known, and it made me want to run away from a life that I now love.  Fear made me control everything including my kids.  I am working on all of that now because it is a choice, and I know that.  Fear has done one good thing, though.  It pushed me to work harder and better than anyone else.  At times, it kept me from quitting.  Now does it allow me to quit in the middle of a race sometimes, yes, and I HATE it for that, but there were times in the past that it made me go farther than I ever thought I could or would go. 
I need to embrace the fear that pushes me and push past the fear that holds me back.  Trying to control everything to fight the fear...well, I have learned the things you fear can happen no matter how much control you try to exert.  So you live in fear and then bad things happen anyways.  The fear ends up playing a role just for chuckles. 
I just saw our neighbor in his running gear.  I am jealous.  I could not work out this am.  I really wanted to.  I want to run.  I have been taking in less calories and pushing my body further and further.  I feel great and want to continue that.  I want to see how far it will go.  I want to feel hungry.  Then I will get what I want and have wanted for a long, long time.  Time to push past things.  There is a time to push, Lucy.  Yes, I know, but the key in life is knowing when to push and when to stop and re-evaluate the situation and go a different way, something you have never been good at and a skill, I am learning.

Daytona

Race day is here.  I get very excited for Daytona.  I like racing and it means that spring is on its way.  My daughter bought gel clings that read "Spring is here!"  Hopefully that is true.  I need the spring.  I need it here now.  As it gets further into winter, I have gotten more and more depressed.  I need the sun and warmth now.
I feel like I am moving into a new period now.  I have done really well with my nutrition this week.  It has totally paid off too.  Hopefully, I can carry it through today and the next few days.  The weekends are tough, but I have been ok.  I ran my 10 today.  Then I walked another mile.  I would like to walk another 4 or 5 at some point today.  I honestly believe now that I can get down below 130.  I just feel like I am on my way.  The mantra I found works.  Who would think....
This marathon is looming in my mind.  I am wondering from time to time how I got myself into it.  I am excited in so many ways, but so scared at the same time.  I need to get a plan together so I feel a bit better and ready.  Readiness is the most important thing.  Well, that and working with my therapist on my race day fears that inevitably take over when I run races.  I can run and run all weekend long but the minute I get into a race situation, I freak out.  Something has to be done about that.
Go KB!!!

Flu vaccines and the flu

My son got the vaccine.  We all did.  Now he has the flu.  I find that so frustrating.  Will it keep us from getting him the vaccine again?  Not at all, but it is still annoying.  I had a meltdown the other night when he was so sick and just thought about how kids die from the flu.  I prayed that he get better soon.  I believe he is on the mend today.  I made a promise with the prayer and a promise that requires I put aside some pride so I have to work on that this week. 
I have found a more simple way to avoid my compulsion to eat when food cravings hit or I get bored.  I got the idea from a place that I never expected to visit, but the advice has been helpful.  I kept my diet to 1250 calories yesterday.  IF I keep it up, I expect to be down to 130 by my birthday.  Ugh....my birthday.  Another year older.  I know rationally that it is better than the alternative, but 37 sounds so old.  So old.  I wasted away the best part of my youth.  It is just so frustrating.  I am definitely making up for lost time now, but those years I will never get back.  I have been thinking a lot about my mom lately.  There are so many parallels between me and the main character of a book I am reading.  She was raised by a critical, unloving father.  My mother was very much the same.  It is hard to ever feel good enough at anything when the idea of perfection is the goal. She made that our goal.  It was be perfect or go home so to speak.  Tough to love yourself when you are trying to live up to an impossible standard.  By trying to live up to that standard herself, my mother denied herself so much.  She still does.  I believe that the only regrets you have are the things you do not do so I want to do everything.  I do not want to look back at my 30's and say "I wish I had done" this or that.  That is how I feel about my 20's.  I do not want to do that again. 
268 days until the marathon.  It seems much closer now that it is out of the 300+ days.  I have to come up with a plan of attack for sure!

Winter blues kick in

I hate the winter.  I mostly hate Jan and Feb. They are the worst months.  I am just thankful that February is short.  12 more days to go after today.  Then I just have to get through to the time change and I am home free.  I keep hoping that open toed shoes are in my future sooner rather than later.  The spring just awakens me.  I feel so alive and wonderful.  4 more weeks is what I keep telling myself.  I have tried so much this winter to get outside and soak up some sun, but it has been a very cloudy winter so that has hampered that effort quite a bit. 4 more weeks.
The next 6 months or so of my life are going to take me into areas that I am not exactly comfortable confronting.  I started with a new therapist and I really like her.  She seems competent and she is about my age and has other qualities that I find important at this stage in my progress.  I think she will find that I want a good life and genuinely believe in having fun so progress should come easily since I plan to be honest and open and ready to talk about some of those uncomfortable things.  I have to really look at how I feel about myself and the messages I constantly tell myself.  Most of the time it is not good.  About a week ago, I was throwing up at least once a day for a few days.  I know how destructive that is.  I felt terrible the following days.  I was just drained.  I feel like I have finally physically recovered.  Emotionally, I plan to be very careful this weekend since weekends seem to be my tipping point.  The hubby and I confronted some serious issues last week. It was difficult.  Sometimes life is not easy and I need to be prepared for emotions that I do not understand or am not used to feeling.  The problem with the hubby and I is that we have so much history that does not entirely help us. It is a lot of ground to make up and once patterns are set, well, they are tough to undo and/or forgive.  I am working on being nicer, though.  The hubby's words do not always match his actions. My actions do not always match my words.  Funny how that works....

Think we all know change is hard

Which is why we all struggle with it. It is so hard to change patterns and natural inclinations. In the last few days I have had to really think about why I am so critical of my hubby.  I am so critical.  How many times will the words "always" or "never" come out of my mouth in regard to something negative with him. It comes out a lot.  We have had a lot of problems over the last 18-20 months and I have to accept a certain amount of responsibility for that.  I feel so bad. I want to be greatest cheerleader, not his biggest critic. How do we fall into those patterns as spouses?  Do we head there or does it just happen?  Am I naturally inclined for that?  I love him more than anyone so why am I so critical.  I grew up under the pressure of perfection so I know what a myth that is. Do I just feel that pressure still so I have to project it on someone else?  How awful that must have been for him.  It disturbs me.  At this point, I think we both just want peace.

Just proves you never really know people

I always knew that you never really knew someone, but I know that even more now and it is terrifying.  People are crazy. That is what I have learned.  What do you do when you think you know someone and you find out you do not?  So if you never really know someone, can you ever really be in a true relationship with them and if so, how deep is it really?  It has to only be surface, right?  Or are we just seeing what people want us to see or think we should see?  I am so confused and so tired of being confused.  It is exhausting.  My personal life is falling apart.  It is over.  I do not know what to do.  The thing I worried about the most is true.  I always know.  I just do, and I knew.  The worst part is that I am too embarrassed to share my stress with my best friend.  She would tell me that my personal life has serious problems and I am just not ready to hear that from someone else right now.  I am embarrassed, honestly.  I just want to go for a long, long run and just run away as far away as I can.  How far is far enough?

Does something you did 17 years ago matter?

These and other questions go through my mind every now and then.  I was watching a Dr. Phil as I ran today and the issues going on is inconsequential to this blog, but the gentleman in the story said that he is the same person he was when they met.  Keep in mind they met as he got out of college.  I know I am not the same person.  How could I be?  I have found a career and become a mother.  How could I possibly be the same person I was at 23?  My husband and I met in college.  We were 19 and did all of the stupid things 19 year olds do when they are in love and believe it will last forever.  My hubby and I have always said that if you get married young which we did, you have to grow up together or it will not last.  I remember my father years ago when I asked him a question, I will not repeat here, told me that he did not think my hubby and I would ever end up divorced because we are too compatible.  I am firm believer that the main reason we have been able to grow up together and weather some of the things we have in the last 17 years, well, it is because at the base of our relationship lies a very deep and meaningful friendship.  I worried for years as I started to change and find my way towards the person I am now if that meant we were boring and not exciting and how would we last if we were boring.  I do not worry about that these days.  We have fun together and even though, we think very much the same way, our relationship is more complimentary than anything else and we are rarely bored.  What I find amazing is that through the last years (at least for me) a deep love has not replaced but covered and taken over that deep friendship.  The friendship is still the root of our relationship, but I love my husband more than ever.  If I can honestly say that after 17 years of being together, I am relieved and happy. 
So what we do in our youth matters for sure but it is how we grow that really sets the tone for our lives.  There is someone in my family who has not grown.  He seems stagnate in his youth.  He is an adult almost as old as I am, but for some reason, he cannot grow past this late teens.  I had a very tumultuous childhood.  There are a lot of deep scars there, some that will never be repaired, but I forgive my mother.  I may talk about how much thing hurt (not with her,) but I understand that she did the best she could in her craziness.  I held so much against my sister for so long.  Lordy, it colored our relationship and the most freeing thing I ever did was forgive her and let it go and realize that she was a partner in our messed up youth with me and hurt in ways different from me, but still just as significant.  I do not remember when or how I came to that point with her, but when I did and realized it, I felt different and happy and was able to move and find my own identity and know that the identity I have mattered if to no one else, then at least to me.  My life has never been easy or uncomplicated.  Every emotion I have is complicated by something else so I get feeling hurt and confused all of the time.  I do.  What I wish for him is to find some help because he cannot move forward on his own until he does.  That is clear.  He is bent on hurting his family so he feels better and I can speak from experience when I say that the satisfaction from hurting your family is fleeting.  It does not last, and it will not fix the emotions that creep in on a regular basis.  I hope he find some help so he can move and not make what will be a huge mistake at this time.  Maybe in the future, it is the right thing, but when you are hurting, big decisions and changes are never the right thing.  I had a wonderful, patient hubby who supported me through 5 years of working through some of those complications.  I am not sure he has the same support. 
On a side note, I pray to God that the scared 5 year old sitting in a bunker with a 65 year old stranger is released immediately.  This story has shaken me to the core.  I look at my son and daughter and hope I can in some cosmic way send strength to his mother.  I am sure all mothers do at this time.
10 miles in today.  As I fight this illness and the stress of the last 4 weeks, I am happy I was able to get in the 10 miles today considering that yesterday I was not able to row and the day before, I had to cut my 4 miles short and just muscle through a 5k as best I could and that was tough.  I am on the mend and hope with the stress of work going away slowly, I am able to physically heal and recharge.
Go Ravens!

Don't wake me up

I really like that song by Chris Brown.  I definitely have some issues with the fact that is one of his songs, but I love the song.  I reminds me of my hubby.  Why?  When things between us are great, they are just amazing and wonderful and it is like I am in a dreams state and never want to leave.  That is how I feel now.  I think both of us are putting in a lot of effort right now.  I think that is helping.  The question is, though, can we keep this pace up?  Time will tell.
I have been sick for the last two weeks.  I got better over the weekend, but got sick again early this week.  It is really affecting my running which pisses me off.  I was only able to get a 5k in today.  Not my normal 4 mile Friday.  The lungs just could not deal.  I hope to be better soon.  The doc could not get me in until Wed which I am not going to do.  I could be better by then.  Welcome to nationalized healthcare.... 
Anyways, work has been very stressful too with this FCC stuff.  I am almost done.  My hubby has really been my rock and cushion through all of this.  He has kept me level and steady and kept me sane which is the most important, of course.  I start therapy back on the 11th.  I am looking forward to it.  I am hoping it can help me with some of the food addiction that is hitting me harder than usual lately and the outstanding relationship issues the hubby and I keep circling around.  It is time.  Plus, I want help in training my brain to think differently. I do not want to always go to "I am not worth it."  I want to feel worthy.  I need a therapist to help.  I am hoping for a good weekend where I feel better and a nice long run on Sun.  I need it.  I have had sleeping issues so I missed it this past week.  I did a long walk instead so as I sit here with my beer for dinner, I will drink to that....that long run I need.  Well, that and the wonderful man who sleeps next to me each night.