What do people think about when they run...

Today is Richmond's Monument Ave 10k so it got me wondering what do people think about when they run. Then I got thinking what I do think about when I run? I think about a lot of things. Last year I could only think about my knee or left leg so the luxury of just letting my mind go was not there. I prefer to be out of my head and body when I run and just let my mind wander as it pleases. So what do I think about? The kids, my hubby, whatever turmoil may be going on in that relationship, work, how to handle specific situations at work or people at work, the weather or how beautiful the world is, why I love the beach so much, and how I feel about myself that given day or time. I never fantasize. That time is more about real life. The funny thing is that I fantasize in the car sometimes about being out running on a Sunday in the heat of summer.
I told Jon the other night that people fantasize too much and internalize this facade of life that is pressed upon us by the media whether it be pictures in magazines, TV or the lives of these celebrities. None of it is real. No wonder people are so unhappy and depressed. We are constantly bombarded with the message that our lives stink and other people lead better lives, celebrities are perfect so if only we were famous too, our lives could be perfect just like theirs, and we should look perfect every minute of the day. Keep in mind, that we are not bombarded with the message that we should behave well. Oh, no. Rather, we idealize celebrities who look good not behave well. Forget behavior that goes out the window. So we are told on a constant basis that our lives are terrible and boring and can and should be more exciting and better and we should ultimately look better. None of it is real. Not one single bit. It is no wonder that we take pleasure in Hilary Duff post baby with fat thighs. It reminds us for a second, that she is like us too and got fat when she was pregnant and the weight did not "melt off" as it seems to with so many celebrities who actually hit the plastic surgeon's table within weeks of giving birth to a child.
So many people cannot handle the day to day monotony of life. Yes, it is boring at times. Boring as hell sometimes. Yes, I look terrible most of the time. I weighed 215-220 at one point In my slender, 135 body, I have excess skin that will never go away. There are seconds in my life when I think "this is my life?" And I am not asking that in a good way. Where is the spontaneity? Where is the excitement? Where is the $100,00G to spend on the plastic surgeon each year? Where is the nanny so I can sleep at night or get a much needed break from the kids just so I can eat with my husband at 8p at night? Where is the maid to clean the house and the cook to cook my meals and the personal trainer to get my butt out of bed? None of these things exist in the real world for 99% of people out there, but the fantasy world will have you believe that you can achieve the total fantasy without those things.
So why is thinking when you are running so important? I believe most people are so caught up in TV and the media that they never take time to think. How can you think when you are watching TV or on in the internet or playing some stupid crappy app on your iPhone or iPod? You cannot and you are not. People these days have to constantly be entertained and occupied and no one just sits and thinks. Running forces people to think. Certainly, most runners have the background of music going, but you think through that. It ends up being just background noise to your mind, more something to calm you and keep you going and help your body keep working as your mind wanders off on a tear. So I give runners credit. I believe that they think more than other people who spend their time constantly needing to be occupied and entertained. I plan to run tomorrow. What might I think about? No doubt as this is my first solo run of the season that I will bask in that peace. I will think about the coming of spring right now and my garden and how busy we are this month and how much I love and enjoy running. And maybe I will think about that tummy tuck I have planned for 2016. Even I am not immune, but my life is pretty fabulous as it is, I believe. Yes, I have those seconds where I wonder about my life, but would I ever even in those seconds change a thing. Hell, no. My life is way better than most, and my reality is better than anyone's. Yes it is challenging at times, but I have too many moments that are precious and wonderful and fabulous and match any fantasy any day to give up on this life. It is a good life, and I would not change a thing. Well, maybe I would have more time to run.....

And the hubby says that there is nothing wrong with a hobby...

I think that I would agree, but my hobby becomes more of an obsession. Ok, I love growing pumpkins. There is nothing else like it in the world in my opinion. I have even seriously thought about making giant row covers so I can help the vines out more. A large part of my obsession is that I love spring and summer. There is nothing like the warm sunshine beating down on your body and face. I love this time of year. I am in my element. I am happy and alive and ready to do anything I want to do. I even pushed myself at the gym this am. I think that has to do with the weather. I really do. I am holding steady at 134/135. I have decided that I am going for it. 125 is my goal. Then I will stop. I want to hit 125 by the end of the year. That gives me plenty of time. I was down to 133 when the hubby was out of town, but that was in part due to stress. Let's not go there.
I feel alive and well and happy. I was walking today and got to thinking about last year when the hubby wanted to move to Boston. I remember thinking why would you want to take me away from the best life I have ever known. I can walk around our beautiful neighborhood and am safe and it is pretty and I am happy. I felt that way today. It was so nice to be out enjoying the world. Just puts me in a better mood and more ready to face challenges. I definitely feel ready to face more challenges. So on to 125 and on to rowing 10,000 in under 40 minutes and running a 5k in 28 minutes and running a 10k in under an hour and maybe just maybe running 1 mile at an 8 minute pace.

Raging case of hives

and sitting here trying to figure out why... This is not good. I itches like crazy. What did I do the cause this? The hubby keeps trying to get me to take claritan but I am leery since I always wonder what else medicines do to you aside from just treat what you are trying to treat. (He is a chemist for a pharma company so I do not hold it against him.) Is it all of the stress over the last 10 days and a physical manifestation of that? Or is it something environmental since it is definitely not something I ate as my diet has not changed in the last 24 hours. So here I sit itchy as hell wondering if and when this will go away.
Today is hopefully the last cold day of the winter. Tomorrow is supposed to be over 15 degrees warmer and then in the 70's all next week. My daffodil flowers are a bit disappointing this year. I have to really go big next year and plant a ton of bulbs. There just is not enough for me. I want daffodils in mass. This year's crop is just not enough for me.
What is it with men? They can never go out on a high note. They even go past the point where the writing is on the wall. They have to be told, "You are done." That is a male thing. Not a female thing. I just do not get it.

Regrets

Have you ever noticed how often celebrities are asked what their biggest regret is? I know what mine is. I did not enjoy my 20's like I should have. I remember being 10, 11, or 12 and thinking that in the year 2000 I would turn 24. The funny thing is that I never thought beyond that. I never thought about being 30 something. Here I am 30 something. I never contemplated what life would be like in my 30's. I was so focused on how fabulous being 24 would be. At 24 I was a miserable woman. I was fat and ugly and did not care about myself at all. I never ate anything that grew out of the ground and I only ran "when chased." How funny is that? So at 24 I was a lot less than fabulous. I thought 30 and 40 was old. Here I am staring down the barrel of 40 and I spend each day wondering how I can be more fabulous. Can you be fabulous at 30 something? I wasted my 20's not being fabulous. Ok, that is not altogether true. Around 26, I did clean up my act and lost 75 pounds and got down to a svelte 145 which is only 12 pounds more than I weigh now, but I did not enjoy life. I was too busy being the oldest 20 something I knew. I have spent so much time in the last few months lamenting over losing my 20's that it was driving me crazy. Some days it still does. Why didn't I enjoy life more. Why didn't I wake up and just go do something. So many regrets wrapped up in those thoughts. So many regrets. Time. That is the thing. Once it is gone, it is gone. I can never get it back. I think that is the reason I refuse to lose another second now. I never want to look back at my 30's and regret losing that time.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & realize you

were not asleep. So in touch with that right now. It has happened the last two days. Tomorrow will be much of the same. The only good thing about the stress is that I cannot gain weight. Not eating will do that to you. 1340.0 today. I will be shocked if I am not in the low 133's tomorrow. Just about the only benefit of this much stress. I am hoping that since last night was better the stress will die down a bit today. So far this am, not so much. I ate only part of my peanut butter toast and that is a travesty in my mind. My life is upside down. I never realized how much my identity is stored in getting up and going to the gym in the am. So much of it. No running since last Wednesday due to Maggie's illness on Friday and no rowing since Saturday am when I did do 9600 meters. I miss it.
More snow last night, but just a dusting. Thursday is supposed to be 70. Will the weatherman deliver? My birthday is supposed to be in the 70's too. That is all I want for my birthday is a nice, peaceful, warm day to go shoe shopping like I always do on my birthday. It is one of my favorite days of the year not because it is my birthday but because it is shoe bonanza day!

N for Nice

So my son just asked if in school there was an N for Nice since F means failing. That is just my son. That is just how he is, and last night, I was a terrible mom to my sweet little son. I scream at him in a very aggressive way. He did not deserve that at all. I felt terrible immediately after. I sat with him and cried which made it worse. I try not to cry in front of him, but I could not help it and am hoping that it will help him realize that parents are people too and we make mistakes. He is so forgiving and I hate that. I wish he would really listen and not just say, "I forgive you" which he always does. He is always very forgiving. That is just my son.
I have never been so alone in my life. I am out of my normal routine. No gym for me right now. I feel sorry for the kids because they deserve the best version of their mom and that is definitely not me right now. I spent half of today still worked up from last night with my son. I was not able to eat this am and went until after 1p for lunch. I feel better now that I am with my son, but I was pretty worked up all day today. My life is not normal. How am I supposed to feel whole? My hubby thinks by Wed or Thurs I will be back to normal and feel normal again. I am pretty sure that is not the case. It is going to take sometime to decompress from this situation. Certainly a lot longer than a day or two.
I have worked really hard over the last several days to not feel sorry for myself, but every moment, I feel beat up. Then I beat my son up emotionally last night. Did that make me feel better? No. I just felt worse. I cried from 8:30 to 11p. So not worth it. I would rather spend hours and hours consoling him so he is not afraid than make him more afraid. This certainly is a test. I am just not sure what is being tested.

When it rains it pours...

Pink eye, strep throat, and a stomach virus. That is quite a 14 day period. Both kids are now fine. Although my daughter's appetite is still not quite back. This beer I am sitting here drinking is quite good. I mean quite good. I needed it. It will assist in wrecking my diet today, but I rowed 9600 meters today so I feel ok with it. I never drink anymore either.
I violated two items for lent today. I feel quite guilty. I think I set myself up by giving up so much, though. Next year I plan to scale it back and focus on one item and something major. Although, I would argue that sweets is pretty major. It took every bit of strength I had today not to drink the milkshake I got for the kids at Chick-Fil-A today.
These days are difficult for us as a family. Both kids are moody and sullen at times. My son wants to mother my daughter. He likes to parent. He will be a way too cautious of a parent if you ask me. Hopefully he will change a bit as he grows up. He is as sweet as it gets, but way too cautious. Poor guy. He worries a lot. He is definitely a little mini-me. I have let go of a lot of the worry; well, not the day to day worry I now carry, but the other worries, the silly little things.
The gym was hot today. It felt like it was boiling. I got my period and had a 3 pound weight gain overnight on Friday so I did not weigh myself until late in the day today for fear of depression from weighing myself. I weighed 136.2 halfway through the day. I can live with that considering I have my period and retain water at any amount of salt and other circumstances in my life right now.
Allan and Lucy are coming tomorrow. I hate to be ungrateful, but I am not looking forward to the visit. It is always tense and uncomfortable. I am not comfortable with my parents. I know that sounds horrible, but our past will always come between us. My mother is not comfortable with me either. She does not get me. I am not really all that difficult to understand, but she thinks I am different. I am different. I eat mostly organically and I run and I do a job that neither of parents really understand, but I am not all that different for where I live and my generation. I always thought that part of the problem is that my parents had me when they were older so there is so much about my generation that they do not understand. We are just too far apart. So much has changed in the last 30 years. That probably does not help. I worry, though, because I was 31 when I had my daughter. My mother was 32 when she had me. Does that mean I will not understand my daughter at all? Sometimes I do not understand her now as it is. Will it be worse?
I am praying that we get through the next week here. No snow on Monday and no drama. I feel like the last week has been one colossal joke. I keep waiting for the joke to end, but then part of me keeps reminding myself that I do not live in Indiana. My house is in tact. My children and hubby are safe. I know where they are. I did not get a call that they found my toddler in a field after she was ripped from my arms during a horrible storm. So what right do I have to complain about a damn thing. I keep that in the back of my mind. I said yesterday that God was trying to tell me something. I am pretty sure that I know what it was now....