Finally did it!

Today should be a great day.  I should feel awesome, but I am feeling pretty ill physically.  Anyways, my 10k time over which I stressed so much this year was well below what I had hoped.  First, I finally got it under an hour.  Second, I wanted it under 57 minutes.  I killed that.  I was 54 minutes and 45 seconds.  Yep, I did that.  I guess my long runs and speed work has finally paid off. 
Through therapy, I am starting to really see what a crappy person I am.  Who cares what the reasons are behind the kind of person I am.  I am still not a good person or a good wife.  I feel like my life is totally spinning out of control.  I always thought I was a good person and a good wife.  Not so much.  I have to wonder, really wonder, why my husband loves me.  How can he?  I always wondered why he wanted to be with me.  Now I wonder even more.  Who would blame him for leaving or cheating on a control freak, insecure bully who is bitter all of the time.  What is lovable about that person?  Just more and more I feel alone.  I am feeling more confused than ever about everything. 
I thought therapy was supposed to make me feel better.  It only makes me feel worse and more confused and more alone and just increases my desire to run far, far away.  I guess the big benefit is that now I know I can do it a lot faster. 

Another day where I just ran because I wanted to run and run and just keep going so I could run away

I sit here trying to figure out if something is really wrong with me or if this issue is external.  The honest truth is that I do not have the physical, mental and emotional strength to think about it.  I just don't anymore.  I am emotionally worn out.  I think the only reason I got an 8 mile run in this am was because I needed to blow off some stress.  I was glad that I got the run in yesterday after failing miserably yesterday and cutting my 10k run down to 3 miles.  Yuck. 
I am emotionally wrung out.  I just feel like I have nothing left to give anyone today.  I just want everyone to leave me alone and have that be it.  Not that easy, right.  Sometimes I wish it were.   I was thinking about where I would run today.  Believe it or not, I imagined north towards Maine.  Since I hate the cold go figure.  I just thought that it was likely beautiful there this time of year.  It is clear to me that I need some time away from everyone to just relax and think and just be alone.  I am not afraid of being alone.  There is some comfort in it actually.  Maybe it is the easier choice and that is why.  I don't know.  Like I said, I don't have the strength to think about it today.
I started taking a multivitamin again.  I started getting blood blisters beneath my skin in random places.  It is a sign of anemia.  I thought maybe my exhaustion lately had something to do with that too.  I know from my diet calculator that I do not get enough iron.  Hopefully this will help.  It just kills my stomach....
Let me try to reset today.

What a day

Yesterday was brutal.  I mean brutal.  I love my mother-in-law and father-in-law, but the whole day was brutal.  My brother-in-law is depressed and that was apparent.  It is tough to be around most of the day too.  I want so badly for him to get some help and start making different choices.  My hubby has lost a father and now his brother.  I have very little communication with my own family so I know the loss hurts even when you know that a relationship is not really realistic. 
Today I did 11 miles in my 139 min on the treadmill.  That was the most I have ever been able to go in the 139 minutes allowed on each session of the treadmill.  The farthest I had gone prior was 10.4 miles.  I was fast enough to hit 11 today.  Just goes to show you that tempo runs do work.  I will continue to do them.  I came in 3rd in my age group in the race I did last weekend.  I am pretty proud of that.  My time was 26:46.  That is the fastest I have ever done a 5k.  I am glad that I did that race.  It gave me a lot of confidence and I was able to talk myself and therefore run through a very difficult period.  Doing the shorter race was a good idea to help build that confidence for me.  Smart move.  When I wanted to walk, I only had a little over a mile to go so I could mentally talk myself through it at that point.  With less than 10 minutes to run (eve if I was going super slow which I was not) I knew I could do it and I did.  I think I can tackle the 10k in under an hour finally and I really do believe that I can do the Aug half in under 2 hours.  I really do. 
I ate like crap yesterday, of course.  I am paying for it today.  My stomach is not happy.  I took a pro-biotic hoping that will calm things down a bit.  We will see.  Not doing that again any time soon.  That is the other part of the problem with going to my in-laws.  Not many healthy choices.  I end up eating not good for you food and food that I am not used to eating either.  Not a good combo. 
Getting warmer which just puts me in a better mood.  The sun is shining and temps are supposed to be 70 day.  I can deal with that!

A note to my boss

You will never know about the gift that you gave me.  I am lucky.  I have several people in my life who literally saved me.  Each person gave me a special piece of the ability to be the person I always wanted to be and continue to help me along that path even now.  You are always so bashful and humble so I would never be able to tell these things face to face but this has been on my mind lately so I wanted to write it out.  The gift you gave me...pretty amazing.  The gift was not the job you offered to me over 13 years ago nor is it the career advancement you have provided throughout those 13 years.  You gave me a job and then gave me the confidence to try to live up to my potential or the potential you saw in me.  Maybe that was the gift that you gave me.  You put a mirror in front of me every day and constantly showed me that I could do whatever you asked or needed.  You showed me that those abilities were there along with the confidence to know that I could handle stress and the daily challenges of helping to run a television station and a business.  You gave me the confidence to know that I could grow as a person and become anything that I wanted to be.  Talk about a gift.  Without it, I am not sure that I would have made it through this life so in reality, you also given me a sense of purpose or at the very least, a future.  You have said before that people do not understand our relationship because it looks weird to outsiders.  I agree.  I am fiercely loyal because you gave me the gift of confidence in my abilities and my ability to grow as a person.  I will always be forever grateful...more than I can ever say. 
I am who I am thanks to a handful of very wonderful and special people.  You are one of them.  Thank you.