Wow! What a downer the other day.

Still thinking about my cousin a lot, but I am out of the fog I was in the other day. I felt so blah in general. I seriously think it was hormonal. I had a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's "half baked" frozen yogurt on Wed and felt like a new woman. Yes, I ate the whole thing. I feel better now emotionally, but still was not able to get myself motivated much today. My daughter was in bed with us at 4:30a this am so no gym which bummed me out. I was ready to run. My goal is to get up and run tomorrow at 6a when first light hits. It is supposed to be warm so it should be a good run. Even if I have to walk some, I just want to get outside and exercise. My beer tonight is not going to help me lose the last 15 pounds, but I need a beer after the last few weeks of work. I might actually have another. (Rough at work--well, rough weeks at work.) I have a surprise for my husband tomorrow. He is going to be so jazzed. Honestly, I have been so jazzed about it since I found out about it on Tuesday. My hubby is bummed that we are not at the race tonight. We always go to the spring race. I am bummed too, but it is what it is. Hope Kyle Busch wins. Not jazzed that he is engaged, but I am married so I guess I need to get over it.
I don't understand why I am having such a tough time motivating myself to take better care of myself lately. I just feel so lazy. I need a shot of something. I don't know how or where I lost my motivation. I need to find it and get it back and keep it. I want to get into the best shape of my life. Isn't that the point of a one third life crisis after all?

Bad days

Do you ever have those days when you feel like things are spiraling out of control. For me it all stems from work right now. I am so overwhelmed that it is not even funny. Staff members out. Huge project going on. Vendor for that huge project not cooperating. Stuff keeps getting piled on more and more. I feel like I cannot breathe when I am at work. Just suffocating further and further. The worst part is that it completely affects my home life. I stopped working out which I need to do during this stretch. I finally got my lazy tail out of bed this am to work out, but I did not feel great after like I normally do. Some days I just want to call it all quits and become a stay-at-home mom, but the $ always gets me. Sure we could do it on one salary as a family, but while we do not live pretty extravagantly, we like to be able to buy stuff when we want to. I just hope it passes soon. My home life is amazing. My husband and I have totally reconnected like 20 year olds. It would be pretty sickening to my kids I imagine if they were old enough to get grossed out by their parents kissing and stuff. Maybe it is my one third life crisis that is helping us reconnect. It is just amazing, though, and I am so thankful for it. I started buying halter tops. Feel silly as a 34 year old wearing them initially. I also bought a halter top dress. It looks great, but would look better with less gravity has taken over and I nursed a kid breasts. Started seriously thinking about reconstruction and implants. Got to find the time. A two week recovery is standard. I have two small kids so I am not sure how likely that is. My mom would wonder about me too so I am not sure she would help us.
The worst, though. My cousin who I adore and think the world of was diagnosed with stomach cancer and melanoma. He is only 40. He is the second 40 or under who I know who has been diagnosed with serious cancer in the last 18 months. It scares the crap out of me. Why? I am 34. My husband is 33--just 5 days away from 34. It just reminds me that I may not be here forever. A co-worker died at 39 from cancer. Who has a one third life crisis at 13???? Am I a downer today or what.

Been over a year. A lot has changed. We have gone pretty much organic. I wish I had kept a blog about that change. I dropped 5 pounds from that alone. I credit Jillian Michael's Master Your Metabolism for our change in diet. I read it and it changed my life. I am loving the benefits. My periods are easier and shorter and I am much less hormonal. That enough is reason to keep with the organics. I am also off the pill which helped Jon and I decide it was time for permanent birth control. That deed is done and we are one third through the wait period before his first draw. Hopefully, he will be clean. My marriage is better than ever in EVERY way. My daughter is still a loon. I love her to bits, but Lordy, she can make you CRA-ZY. We get eachother, though. That helps now. My son is as sweet as ever. We are lucky to have him.
Here is my plan now...and yes, the one third life crisis continues and manages to get worse...
I am going to lose the last 13 pounds. I weigh about 143 now. If I get down to 130, I am gong to wear that bikini I finally bought and get breast implants. I cannot believe that I am contemplating that, BUT after nursing my son, my breasts are basically deflated. No one tells you that will happen, but it does so for those of you who plan to nurse, just know that after you will end up with sandwich bags that are totally deflated. It is pretty sad. There is nothing sexy about floppy breasts, but hey, if I ever need a mamogram, I am set. Those babies will lay right up there perfectly pressed. Those are the things no one ever tells you. I am not so sure I would have done it had I known that. I had saggy, but nice breasts before.