Today was a harder day. I wanted something sweet all day. I hit the Coke 0 hard because of it. It was easier yesterday when I spent a large part of my mid-day at a funeral. Weight today was 143.3. I exercised a lot which was good. I found the discipline to walk at lunch even though I did not want to. That is progress.
Today's food:
4 tablespoons of peanut butter
1 slice of ezekial bread
1 egg
.5 cup of celery
1 granny smith apple
1 chicken breast
gaucamole
cabbage boiled to be noodles
1 cup of marinara
2.5 oz of ground chicken
2 small meatballs
mixed green salad
1 oz of chicken breast
1 ancient warrior bar
.25 cup of almonds
that is it for a total of around 1700 calories.
I supposed that is progress. I am not under my calorie count, but I am mostly satisfied. The big thing is the lack of added sugar and grains! Other than the bread and warrior bar, there is very little of either. That will hopefully help the hormones. I have been majorly spotting all day for the last 3 days, but no period actually starting. That is a bit depressing. I hate the on-going spotting. It would be nice to either not bleed or actually bleed. This is the BS I got tired of before!! Hopefully this manner of eating will help again. It did last time. If I can just keep it up. That is the question!! I just feel so weak sometimes.
Big run tomorrow. Hopefully I can tolerate the first half of our workout and I am not talking about the exercise itself...
A bit tired emotionally of bullies. Men have no clue what bullies they are at times. The do not treat one another like that. As a woman, I am just expected to take it. Really makes me mad! I am over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Bulimia and eating healthy and hormones
I know that eating no sugar and no flour or grains helps my hormones. I went from having super short cycles to long cycles and now need to get back to some kind of regular cycle. I am spotting a lot again. My diet has been atrocious which has left me feeling down (that crap really seems to affect my moods) and my hormones going nuts. It has also caused a relapse of the bulimia. My therapist recommended a food diary. It is supposed to keep you from overeating. I tend to shy away from those just because it is annoying to have to write everything down. That is the point, of course. I am going to try something new today. Rather than writing it, I am going to type it here. That will be interesting. Let's see if I can keep that up!
I am feeling overwhelmed and bummed these days. My run today was overwhelming. Everything seems to overwhelm me and I only have so much energy to give. I stopped at 3 miles and then came home and cried. I feel so weak. Why am I so weak and undisciplined? I hate that about myself. I feel like a failure.
I do not have the strength to go into it now so instead I will just type out what I ate today:
1 slice of ezekial bread.
4 tablespoons of peanut butter.
5 fruit tootsie rolls.
2 chocolate tootsie rolls.
1 starburst.
1 fajita chicken salad with gaucamole.
Small piece of the shell for my salad.
1/2 cup of almonds.
2 pieces of celery.
4 tablespoons of sugar cookie dough.
3 oz of salmon.
1/4 cup of garlic potatoes.
1 cup of broccoli.
1 cup of mixed salad greens with red and green peppers.
3 slices of bell peppers.
2 ancient warrior bars.
1/4 cup of ground turkey.
I think that is everything. What needs to go? The candy, obviously. The other things are the shell from my salad, the cookie dough, and the potatoes. Really, the ancient warrior bars have too much sugar so maybe a half a one is ok each day. Other than those things, I am good to go. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. I am on day two of no binging and purging. Hopefully I can make it a full week. I am spotting a ton right now just waiting for my period to start. I want it to come now, but with my waxing tomorrow, that may not be a good thing. I am now thinking that maybe another day or two is best.
I am feeling overwhelmed and bummed these days. My run today was overwhelming. Everything seems to overwhelm me and I only have so much energy to give. I stopped at 3 miles and then came home and cried. I feel so weak. Why am I so weak and undisciplined? I hate that about myself. I feel like a failure.
I do not have the strength to go into it now so instead I will just type out what I ate today:
1 slice of ezekial bread.
4 tablespoons of peanut butter.
5 fruit tootsie rolls.
2 chocolate tootsie rolls.
1 starburst.
1 fajita chicken salad with gaucamole.
Small piece of the shell for my salad.
1/2 cup of almonds.
2 pieces of celery.
4 tablespoons of sugar cookie dough.
3 oz of salmon.
1/4 cup of garlic potatoes.
1 cup of broccoli.
1 cup of mixed salad greens with red and green peppers.
3 slices of bell peppers.
2 ancient warrior bars.
1/4 cup of ground turkey.
I think that is everything. What needs to go? The candy, obviously. The other things are the shell from my salad, the cookie dough, and the potatoes. Really, the ancient warrior bars have too much sugar so maybe a half a one is ok each day. Other than those things, I am good to go. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. I am on day two of no binging and purging. Hopefully I can make it a full week. I am spotting a ton right now just waiting for my period to start. I want it to come now, but with my waxing tomorrow, that may not be a good thing. I am now thinking that maybe another day or two is best.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Stuck in neutral
That is how I feel most days. I cannot get ahead. I am always running behind or just idling. There is so much I want to do and I just never seem to be able to get there. Take this marathon for instance. I was supposed to run it last year, but here I am a year later, and it still looms ahead. Will I run it? Until I am at the start line, I will not quite believe it. I keep worrying that I will get sick or something will happen to keep me from running it.
My uncle died on Wednesday. Well, one of my uncles died on Wednesday. My other uncle died over a month ago. I had no idea until Wednesday that my other uncle had also died. We do not deal well with death in my family. The trend continues. The funeral Monday should be interesting for sure.
Why I am so stuck? It has to be me and nothing else. What do I need to do differently? I wish I knew and if I really know, then I wish I would just shut the hell up and do it.
I find myself trying to lean more on my husband now than is my normal inclination. It feels awkward. It is just something I am not used to and not completely comfortable with. I am reading Gone Girl. It makes me really think about the personalities we take on. My is "sturdy Tif." I am pretty much that person with everyone. I am supposed to be strong and sturdy and have no needs and have no wants or desires. I am supposed to be sit by and be happy with what I am given. I am not supposed to want anything. I am supposed to be content. How f-ing boring is that? I want to scream at those (everyone) who expects me to be that way and ask if they too would be satisfied living like that? At the end of the day, I am supposed to be dependable, adaptable and malleable based on anyone and everyone else's needs and I am supposed to smile and be extremely gracious when a morsel of something good comes my way. It pisses me off. I work too hard to find that acceptable. I see my daughter growing up and I hope for her, that she never feels those expectations from anyone. My son too for that wish. I worry more about him than I do her sometimes. He is so freaked out by confrontation and is easily swayed. My daughter not so much. Her only danger, though, is that she is a girl. We treat girls so differently. You have to be thin, beautiful, smart, and accepting of anything a man throws your way regardless of who he is and what it is. Tough one on both ends for both of them.
My uncle died on Wednesday. Well, one of my uncles died on Wednesday. My other uncle died over a month ago. I had no idea until Wednesday that my other uncle had also died. We do not deal well with death in my family. The trend continues. The funeral Monday should be interesting for sure.
Why I am so stuck? It has to be me and nothing else. What do I need to do differently? I wish I knew and if I really know, then I wish I would just shut the hell up and do it.
I find myself trying to lean more on my husband now than is my normal inclination. It feels awkward. It is just something I am not used to and not completely comfortable with. I am reading Gone Girl. It makes me really think about the personalities we take on. My is "sturdy Tif." I am pretty much that person with everyone. I am supposed to be strong and sturdy and have no needs and have no wants or desires. I am supposed to be sit by and be happy with what I am given. I am not supposed to want anything. I am supposed to be content. How f-ing boring is that? I want to scream at those (everyone) who expects me to be that way and ask if they too would be satisfied living like that? At the end of the day, I am supposed to be dependable, adaptable and malleable based on anyone and everyone else's needs and I am supposed to smile and be extremely gracious when a morsel of something good comes my way. It pisses me off. I work too hard to find that acceptable. I see my daughter growing up and I hope for her, that she never feels those expectations from anyone. My son too for that wish. I worry more about him than I do her sometimes. He is so freaked out by confrontation and is easily swayed. My daughter not so much. Her only danger, though, is that she is a girl. We treat girls so differently. You have to be thin, beautiful, smart, and accepting of anything a man throws your way regardless of who he is and what it is. Tough one on both ends for both of them.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Getting back on track
Oh, I am exhausted today. It is the kind of exhaustion from having a newborn. I was up all night with my son and I am just not used to that lack of sleep these days. Funny how times change. I used to do ok. Not so much anymore. I did get to do a lot of thinking last night, though. A lot of thinking and a lot of fantasizing. I used to have this wonderful vivid imagination, but as the crazies left, I shut my imagination out too. It is time to pull some of that back in. Some imagination is ok as an adult. It is time I practiced some of that.
Ironically, I have been facing my former demons or at least watching someone else face them through one of my best friends. Her mother was diagnosed with psychotic depression. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies. That was over 20 years ago. A lot has changed in the mental illness world. Now it would have the diagnosis of psychotic depression. Seeing it through the eyes of someone else, someone more normal, only reminds me how crazy I really am and how different the rest of the world is from people like us. People hear "psychosis" and they get scared. Hell, I did when they told me about my tendencies. I read a lot of true crime so my next thought was, "Goodness, am I dangerous then? Will I hurt someone?" The answer is yes. My tendencies, however, center around me. I was a danger to myself, and I am still am but in different ways than I was back then. (Hey, if I can get through today without throwing up, that is a victory. One day at a time is a cliche, but it is true. Some days I even take a moment at a time!)
I watch my friend talk about her mother and how mental illness is treated and I see how easy it is for our families to believe that there should be a quick fix for the illness. Undoubtedly everyone in that situation would deny that is the case, but I have seen it myself from many angle, my own mother included. Mental illness builds over years. (With psychosis, however, it can come out in one large, uncomfortable burst.) It built over years. It takes time to detangle it and find the core (or cores) of the problem. It is hard to treat because those of us with this illness are secretive and scared of being "found out" so you never really get the truth. It is a hard disease to view from the outside, I am sure, so I do feel for those who love us. I really do.
I tell my hubby often that every day I tow that line of insanity. I am thankful to stay on the proper side most days. Sometimes, however, my obsessive-compulsiveness routes me dangerously close to the end of crossing over. I see that after it happens, and yes, it scares the crap out of me. These last few months have been hard at work and when the bulimia comes calling again, I know that I am slipping over. I always find that terrifying. I am hoping endlessly today to get back on track. I only have another 2 hours or so before I will be asleep and there is comfort in that for sure.
I am lucky. My husband has weathered my illness with me for years. He stayed with me when he probably should have left. He stayed when most men would have left. He is trying to accept that sometimes I have compulsions I cannot control which is not easy. He tries to understand when I am binging and purging which is what I truly need at the time. He never judges me then which is good because I judge myself enough for everyone.
Back on track? I am hoping. Just maybe.
Ironically, I have been facing my former demons or at least watching someone else face them through one of my best friends. Her mother was diagnosed with psychotic depression. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies. That was over 20 years ago. A lot has changed in the mental illness world. Now it would have the diagnosis of psychotic depression. Seeing it through the eyes of someone else, someone more normal, only reminds me how crazy I really am and how different the rest of the world is from people like us. People hear "psychosis" and they get scared. Hell, I did when they told me about my tendencies. I read a lot of true crime so my next thought was, "Goodness, am I dangerous then? Will I hurt someone?" The answer is yes. My tendencies, however, center around me. I was a danger to myself, and I am still am but in different ways than I was back then. (Hey, if I can get through today without throwing up, that is a victory. One day at a time is a cliche, but it is true. Some days I even take a moment at a time!)
I watch my friend talk about her mother and how mental illness is treated and I see how easy it is for our families to believe that there should be a quick fix for the illness. Undoubtedly everyone in that situation would deny that is the case, but I have seen it myself from many angle, my own mother included. Mental illness builds over years. (With psychosis, however, it can come out in one large, uncomfortable burst.) It built over years. It takes time to detangle it and find the core (or cores) of the problem. It is hard to treat because those of us with this illness are secretive and scared of being "found out" so you never really get the truth. It is a hard disease to view from the outside, I am sure, so I do feel for those who love us. I really do.
I tell my hubby often that every day I tow that line of insanity. I am thankful to stay on the proper side most days. Sometimes, however, my obsessive-compulsiveness routes me dangerously close to the end of crossing over. I see that after it happens, and yes, it scares the crap out of me. These last few months have been hard at work and when the bulimia comes calling again, I know that I am slipping over. I always find that terrifying. I am hoping endlessly today to get back on track. I only have another 2 hours or so before I will be asleep and there is comfort in that for sure.
I am lucky. My husband has weathered my illness with me for years. He stayed with me when he probably should have left. He stayed when most men would have left. He is trying to accept that sometimes I have compulsions I cannot control which is not easy. He tries to understand when I am binging and purging which is what I truly need at the time. He never judges me then which is good because I judge myself enough for everyone.
Back on track? I am hoping. Just maybe.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
My moment in time
So I had definitely built up this past weekend as a special weekend when maybe I would get the one moment I have spent the last 38 years looking for. Maybe not 38 years. Probably more like 31 or 32. Everyone wants that special moment in time when they feel amazing and on top of the world. I finally realized today what that moment is for me. It sounds horribly shallow, but growing up how I did, it is not surprising at all. I want that moment where I am beautiful and I know it. I really worked hard and spent more money than I have to make that happen. It still escaped me so I am starting to truly believe that I am the problem. My hubby wonders why I cannot feel attractive. How can I when the end result is the same and the one thing that is always the same is me. My mother was probably right. I am not attractive and no one will ever find me attractive. It is what it is, right.
It made me think about the moments when I do feel attractive. I feel thin and good and happy. I am going to put it all out here in a very shallow and superficial way. It is kind of scary because I know I will be judged by others as much as I judge myself for it. We are all constantly told to look past looks, but yet we are constantly inundated with beautiful pictures of beautiful people. Does not make a lot of sense to me, but I do not get to design the world...
In any event, I feel attractive when I am thinner. My weight fluctuates between 139-142 pounds. I felt great a year ago at 132. I felt thin and wonderful and so close to the 130 pounds I desire. There have been days this year when I felt good too and those were days that I felt in control of my eating in ways that I know helped me get to my weight goals. I controlled the food. Not the other way around which is how so many of my days go. I hate the out of control eating because it keeps me from my goal of feeling beautiful and amazing. It is all self sabotage. I hate myself for that.
I also feel attractive when I am dressed in tight fitting clothes. I feel sexy and that makes me feel better. I am a mom of two young children. My days of wearing those clothes are dwindling. What then? I rarely get dressed up and despite wearing one of the prettiest dresses I have worn in a long time this past weekend, I felt dowdy and awkward. No one other than family really wanted to talk to me. Maybe I come off as aloof because I tend to be shy and that is why. I do not know.
I keep thinking and wondering what else I can do. I wore a beautiful dress and had my hair done (which I did not like by the way. It was not what I asked for and as I walked out of the hair salon 50 minutes before the wedding, I had no time to ask them to fix it.) Maybe that was part of it too. I put my make up on in the car. I had to get dressed in 2 minutes to run back out the door to go to the wedding and the stress certainly weighed on me. I thought having my hair done would be wonderful. I thought I would love it. I did not since it was not what I asked for and let's face it, my make up was thrown on in the car. I take more time for my make-up before I go to work!
I am certain that there is not an answer here. This is more just venting and trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or maybe just accepting the truth about me. I don't know. I guess ultimately, I am just tired of wondering and worrying about it.
It made me think about the moments when I do feel attractive. I feel thin and good and happy. I am going to put it all out here in a very shallow and superficial way. It is kind of scary because I know I will be judged by others as much as I judge myself for it. We are all constantly told to look past looks, but yet we are constantly inundated with beautiful pictures of beautiful people. Does not make a lot of sense to me, but I do not get to design the world...
In any event, I feel attractive when I am thinner. My weight fluctuates between 139-142 pounds. I felt great a year ago at 132. I felt thin and wonderful and so close to the 130 pounds I desire. There have been days this year when I felt good too and those were days that I felt in control of my eating in ways that I know helped me get to my weight goals. I controlled the food. Not the other way around which is how so many of my days go. I hate the out of control eating because it keeps me from my goal of feeling beautiful and amazing. It is all self sabotage. I hate myself for that.
I also feel attractive when I am dressed in tight fitting clothes. I feel sexy and that makes me feel better. I am a mom of two young children. My days of wearing those clothes are dwindling. What then? I rarely get dressed up and despite wearing one of the prettiest dresses I have worn in a long time this past weekend, I felt dowdy and awkward. No one other than family really wanted to talk to me. Maybe I come off as aloof because I tend to be shy and that is why. I do not know.
I keep thinking and wondering what else I can do. I wore a beautiful dress and had my hair done (which I did not like by the way. It was not what I asked for and as I walked out of the hair salon 50 minutes before the wedding, I had no time to ask them to fix it.) Maybe that was part of it too. I put my make up on in the car. I had to get dressed in 2 minutes to run back out the door to go to the wedding and the stress certainly weighed on me. I thought having my hair done would be wonderful. I thought I would love it. I did not since it was not what I asked for and let's face it, my make up was thrown on in the car. I take more time for my make-up before I go to work!
I am certain that there is not an answer here. This is more just venting and trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or maybe just accepting the truth about me. I don't know. I guess ultimately, I am just tired of wondering and worrying about it.
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