Running until you die tired.

I am speaking metaphorically, of course.  I think every runner knows that physical running energizes your life in some way.  It might physically exhaust you, but it lifts you emotionally and mentally.  I look back and I know that I was running away from my problems and feelings and I was definitely going to die tired.  I see my mother coming to end of her years and she is exhausted.  Keeping up that facade is certainly exhausting.  I know because I lived it...at her request or rather make that her demand.  To keep pushing past feelings it is just so tiring.  Action she is all about action.  There is little reflection for her because you have to react immediately.  Waiting means that you are wasting time in her mind.  I think for her waiting allows her to think about her feelings and pain and that is not something she can handle.  I, too, was like that for a long time.  Times have changed.  Do not get me wrong.  I am not perfect with it.  I certainly push feelings aside that are overwhelming, but I try to talk about them more or at the very least, acknowledge them.  My therapist in the last few weeks has taught me that telling my husband my feelings even if they are crazy and overwhelming and wrong is ok.  I never thought that it would be ok to tell him some of my crazy, wrong feelings.  Rather, I just thought I crazy for feeling that way and needed to bury them further.  The burying, well, it does not get you anywhere.
The marathon looms bigger in my mind than ever.  I am scared.  I have to be down around 250 days or so now.  It seems so far away but I know how quickly the spring and summer go.  It will be here before I know it.  I need to start working on my plan for food at the very least.  I need to get one issue with it resolved.  I will be happy once it warms up so I can start doing long runs outside again.  I have started fantasizing about them already.  To feel the heat on my face as I run.  It just feels so good.  It is part of why I run.  To finish a long run and still have the strength to go do something that day.  That is also why I run.  I feel strong in those moments which is nice because I feel so weak at times and grew up feeling weak.  I think more and more these days about why I decided to run a marathon after saying that I never would.  I secretly think that I cling to why more and more since I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the thought of running 26.2 miles.  There are a hundred reasons, I am sure, but this am it hit me that I am doing it for the old me, the young me.  I want her to know that she turned out ok.  She never felt good enough or worthy of anyone or anything.  (Yes, I know that I still fight those feelings today...I am not that obtuse.  I am pretty self aware.)  I want her to see me finish that marathon and think, "Wow, I did that.  I really did that!"  This marathon is for her and for me.  The ironic thing is that my senior year quote in the yearbook was from Nolan Ryan who said, "The only one who you can't is you.  And you don't have to listen."  I spent years listening to myself about how I cannot do this or that.  Yes, part of the voice speaking was my mother, of course, but the beauty of growing up is that I can tune her out.  I don't have to listen to her either.