Therapy

So this book I am reading about mothers who cannot love suggests you write your mother a letter with a few major points covered.  I am not sure if I plan to do that yet, but it does mention how the book will bring up old sores in that relationship.  It certainly has done that.  My plan is to roll through some of the items that have come up over the next few weeks.  Today will be my period issues when I was younger.  I got my period when I was 11.  It was mixed up from the start.  I know that it cane take years for a cycle to settle, but mine never did.  At 13 years old, I was having very painful periods and went 9 months without a period.  I was not sexually active.  Then I went through 4 weeks of bleeding with large clots.  I was bleeding through pads overnight so much so that the blood ended up all over the floor.  (I was sleeping on the floor at the time.  Long story there--had more to do with comfort than anything else.)  Because of the blood on the floor, my mother finally took me to a doctor.  He told her that it was normal.  Keep in mind that he never even did an exam or pap smear.  That is not normal for anyone who had not had a baby....  She believed him because it was easier for her to do so and she was too wrapped up in my sister's life to worry about me.  It made me sad that she did not help me.  Fast forward 2 years.  Again, still not sexually active.  I am still having incredible pain during my cycles.  She finally relents and takes me back to a new gynecologist, one she later admitted to me that she did not like.  He was about 55 and came in coldly, did the exam, and then left.  The nurse later gave me an prescription for a birth control pill to control my hormones.  I started taking it and a week later, I was in even more pain.  I am a tough lady.  I went through child birth without drugs.  The pain was so terrible that I was crying.  My mother did nothing.  Allegedly, my sister called the nurse who told her that the pain would go away in a few months as my body got used to the hormones.  There was no way I would continue taking the pills the way it hurt so I stopped.  I had desperately wanted my mother to help me at that time and to call the nurse and demand they change my pill.  It was the 90's.  There were a million pills out there!  She never did.  Fast forward another year.  I was sexually active with my boyfriend and got pregnant.  Yes, my mother was great when she found out I was pregnant and did everything she could to help me put my daughter up for adoption, and I am by no means suggesting that I do not want my eldest daughter in this world, but the reality is that my mother could have prevented that hardship in my life simply by helping me with the doctor when the pill made me sick.  The reality is as I was later told that I likely had endometriosis and that having my oldest child helped to correct it, but the pill could have done the same thing.  I take responsibility for having sex at 16.  I will say too that I did go to planned parenthood and get on the pill about the time I got pregnant.  I was just a week too late.  I know that my decisions are not my mother's fault.  I understand that, but what makes me sad is that she did not protect me or help me when she had the chance.  It makes me feel neglected.  How do you not protect your child when she is suffering and I was suffering.  That is my sore for today. 

Life has been ok...

I have finally stopped gaining weight and have managed to move the needle down a little.  It is not totally what I want, but it is better than going up.  I have thrown up once in the last 30 days which I consider a victory.  The control over the food has been a constant battle, but some days, I win it so I am happy about that.  I am still not able to exercise the way I would like, but I should be back to pre-injury state in the next 30 days which is good.  Today I did 8 miles running on the treadmill and did speed intervals at the end.  The fact that I did them at the end, makes me feel good.  I did the last mile at 1 mph faster than the previous 7 which makes me happy but also tells me that I am not pushing myself enough as I run.  I definitely need to challenge myself more.  My foot hurts on and off.  Sometimes, the pain and tightness goes back to my calf. I keep hoping it will go back to the calf and just stay there.  I am working on strengthening the gluts and hoping that will help.  NASCAR started last night which makes me happy.  It feels like spring might be coming in sooner rather than later.  I look forward to the start of racing because it signifies the end of winter for me.  A little over a month to go now.  I think I can make it. 
Interesting enough, my hubby bought a mirror for me for Christmas so I can look at myself full length.  In it, I look thin.  How sad and amusing it is that I think the image is due to the angle of the mirror and not how I really look.  It is true.  Not quite sure how to fix that or what to make of it, but it is real. 
I decided that I am going ahead with the tummy tuck.  I see the winners on the Biggest Loser and I know the secret they hide, the extra skin that hangs from their weight loss.  It is time to get rid of mine.  I want to do it while I am still young enough to enjoy it.  This year is the time. 
I am watching my daughter more and more and seeing how she perceives the world.  I have to be careful not to pass on my issues about body and self-image to her.  Right now she thinks she is amazing and wonderful and I hope she spends her lifetime feeling that way.  I started reading a book about mothers who cannot love.  My own mother is defined in that book over and over again.  I cannot do some of the exercises in the book that are supposed to shake the feelings of inadequacy that come from mothers who cannot love, but the book has made me think more and more how the excuses I always provided for my mother should not prevent me from feeling anger over the things that she did.  I struggle these days with how to maintain a relationship with her and what I want out of it. The reality is that I cannot have the relationship I want with my mother, and because of that, I don't want one with her.  I would honestly prefer to cut her out of my life, but the guilt pulls me back constantly so I try to keep her at a large distance, but the hassle of even dealing with her on a very limited basis sends me into a tailspin of stress.  It would just be easier not to deal with her at all.  What bothers me even more is that I would love to have a relationship with my siblings, but that would mean engaging with my mother more and that is something I am not willing to do.  I don't know what the answer is.  All I know is that I am tired of feeling guilty, afraid, and worried.  My children want to go ice skating today.  I keep worrying that they might fall and hurt themselves.  It is almost enough worry to keep me from taking them.  I do not want to be afraid.  I loved ice skating as a child.  I want them to go and enjoy like I did growing up.  I don't want to be afraid.