I have had a little girl named Annabelle on my mind for the last several weeks. I like with her each and every day, but these last few weeks have been different. When I normally think about her, sometimes I cry, but most of the time I just tear up and am able to control the crying. Lately, I cannot. I just cry and cry and cry. Annabelle died over 5 years ago when she was two and a half. It was May 4, 2005. She was the daughter of good friends of mine. It hit me this past May 4 that my daughter was almost exactly the same age that Annabelle was when she died. Their birthdays are days apart. (What I have always felt is that my daughter was meant to be born on her birthday. I carried my daughter for 40 weeks and 6 days before they induced, and I remember at delivery my doctor saying that my daughter would have hung in there as long as I had allowed her. Another 4 days and they would have shared the same birthday.)
One thing I think about every now and then is Annabelle's father telling me about the night before Annabelle died. How they had sat outside (which kept her up late) talking about the sky, the clouds, etc. So many moments go by in our lives...so many moments that we wish away because we are so busy and so many other things to do. None of us will ever get another moment with Annabelle. How do you deal with that? I am still trying to make sense of it.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Amazing what a good workout does
I feel like a new woman. My day did not start off well once I got going, but we got through that and I am pretty sure (or hopeful) anyways that my children will now stay in the house when I direct them to do so. I feel a lot better now having had a normal workout...well normal as far as the first half hour. I skipped the second so I would not have to rush to get to my son's Thanksgiving lunch. I am glad that I did. The lunch was wonderful. I am so glad that I was there. My son was so excited and it was a really nice thing to do. I will definitely do it again next year.
Emotionally I feel more stable....less prone to crying which is always a good thing and less stressed in general. (And after the whole door thing with the kids this am, I could very well still be on edge but that is another story.)
My husband and I have a lot to work on. Somewhere along the way, we cease to really understand one another any more. That and well, he does not want to have to work to keep me. All a woman wants is to feel important and be wanted and made to feel that way. I never feel that way not in a deep emotional sense. Sure physically I feel wanted, but I truly feel that for most men, it could be a hole in the wall for all they care. Sometimes I give too much. I give everything that I am to work and my family that is why my am workouts are so important. That is for me and for me alone. I am proud of how hard I work. I am sure after lunch today, I will be back over the 137 mark, but I can live with that. It has been a good week despite the difficulties in my schedule. I am proud of that.
Emotionally I feel more stable....less prone to crying which is always a good thing and less stressed in general. (And after the whole door thing with the kids this am, I could very well still be on edge but that is another story.)
My husband and I have a lot to work on. Somewhere along the way, we cease to really understand one another any more. That and well, he does not want to have to work to keep me. All a woman wants is to feel important and be wanted and made to feel that way. I never feel that way not in a deep emotional sense. Sure physically I feel wanted, but I truly feel that for most men, it could be a hole in the wall for all they care. Sometimes I give too much. I give everything that I am to work and my family that is why my am workouts are so important. That is for me and for me alone. I am proud of how hard I work. I am sure after lunch today, I will be back over the 137 mark, but I can live with that. It has been a good week despite the difficulties in my schedule. I am proud of that.
Amazing what stress does to you
This sounds like a good thing and I guess in some ways it is. Lack of sleep, my body being on alert 24/7...I am down to 136.5. I dropped over a pound in the last two days and that should not be so considering that I have not had the usual workouts I normally have as far as duration and intensity. A weight loss that extreme during periods when I am not working out as much kind of freaks me out a bit. At least I have an idea as to why for this loss. Oh well...6.5 pounds to go now...
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Enough is enough
Fortunately, I do not have to go to work tomorrow. In the three days I was there this week, I have just had enough. Things that should not happen twice in a month happened twice in the last three days. I never even had them happen twice in a year before...I am left wondering about bad spirits surrounding me. Seriously thinking of burning some sage tomorrow.
It amazes me how out of whack I feel from missing my am workouts. It just messes with my head. Then I am not sleeping at night. That does not help. Last night the thunderstorm hit. I was praying harder than I have ever prayed before to keep my son from waking up. Praise God because my son did not wake up. Well, he did in between storms, but for a nightmare. Not working out, not sleeping. I am a mess.
I am a bigger mess emotionally. Some of the things I cannot even describe here. I keep everything so locked up so that I never get hurt, but I end up getting hurt in other ways because of it. I often think about how my sister's illness affected my psyche...if I was born this way or if the illness and circumstances arising from that contributed. I will never know. I see pictures of myself as a child and remember being so confident. I never feel that way now. It does not help that I work with men who let's face it (I am saying this about all men in general not just the ones with whom I work) expect you to justify yourself all of the time. Even my husband expects it. Is that me or is it what society does to women. Sometimes I want to go away, but goodness knows, I would never hurt or leave my kids. And then there is my husband....so much hurt and happiness all wrapped up into one big tangled mess. I am not easy to live with. I know that. I am not even easy to love. These days I do n0t even know my own mind. What is worse is that I cannot separate what is the result of lack of sleep which makes me crazy or what is the result of real deep hurt and if it is the result why.
You know I did realize one thing. It hit me like a brick yesterday. My husband did settle. His brother was right in the end, and I guess that is part of what hurts so much. My husband does not even realize it either because he is so blinded by love for me most of the time. He did settle. How do I deal with knowing that. I was not a choice. I was the only choice. Thank goodness for that because I have wonderful, bright children, but it is true. There were not exactly a lot of options, and he knew that. I was it. Not sure what to do from here. What to fix or what even is broken.
It amazes me how out of whack I feel from missing my am workouts. It just messes with my head. Then I am not sleeping at night. That does not help. Last night the thunderstorm hit. I was praying harder than I have ever prayed before to keep my son from waking up. Praise God because my son did not wake up. Well, he did in between storms, but for a nightmare. Not working out, not sleeping. I am a mess.
I am a bigger mess emotionally. Some of the things I cannot even describe here. I keep everything so locked up so that I never get hurt, but I end up getting hurt in other ways because of it. I often think about how my sister's illness affected my psyche...if I was born this way or if the illness and circumstances arising from that contributed. I will never know. I see pictures of myself as a child and remember being so confident. I never feel that way now. It does not help that I work with men who let's face it (I am saying this about all men in general not just the ones with whom I work) expect you to justify yourself all of the time. Even my husband expects it. Is that me or is it what society does to women. Sometimes I want to go away, but goodness knows, I would never hurt or leave my kids. And then there is my husband....so much hurt and happiness all wrapped up into one big tangled mess. I am not easy to live with. I know that. I am not even easy to love. These days I do n0t even know my own mind. What is worse is that I cannot separate what is the result of lack of sleep which makes me crazy or what is the result of real deep hurt and if it is the result why.
You know I did realize one thing. It hit me like a brick yesterday. My husband did settle. His brother was right in the end, and I guess that is part of what hurts so much. My husband does not even realize it either because he is so blinded by love for me most of the time. He did settle. How do I deal with knowing that. I was not a choice. I was the only choice. Thank goodness for that because I have wonderful, bright children, but it is true. There were not exactly a lot of options, and he knew that. I was it. Not sure what to do from here. What to fix or what even is broken.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Just sad
Having trouble telling if I am feeling sorry for myself or if I really have something to be sad over. I have been really contemplating what is going on in my mind and why I am not happy. I have two great children. Ok today did not start off well. We got out the door quickly enough and I totally would have been on time for work but not for the traffic over that bridge. It was my daughter...well, it started with my son. He was very whiny as we walked out the door this am. I know he is sad and hurting. I guess that made it worse. How can I be mad at him for his behavior when he is sad. Then my daughter was ok on the way to school, but then we got there. As I went to leave to go to work, she wrapped herself around my leg, started crying, and yelled, "I want to go to work with you" over and over again. Her teacher had to pry her off my leg. I got back into the car and felt like bawling. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I hated leaving her and hated it more knowing that we will go through the exact same exercise and emotion tomorrow.
I went to the gym today. I thought it would make me feel better. The gym usually gives me a chance to work through things in my head. I had a hard time because it was not my normal time. That did not help. My mind was not able to wander like it normally does.
Do you ever have doubts about things that you know are not doubtful? I feel that way so often. Rationally I know my husband loves me. I really believe that he does, but somehow I do not trust it. Does that even make sense? Maybe part of me really believes that no one can or should love me. Is that what is going on? I know I have severe trust issues. (Sorry Mom and Dad but a lot of it stems from my youth.) I keep going back to the fact that there is a difference between you are loved and feeling loved. I never really feel loved. I was thinking about my courtship with my hubby. He never had to work hard for me. I made it sooooooo easy. Too easy. I think in some ways I still do. He never has to work very hard for me. He would argue that he works hard to fold the laundry or vacuum the house on Friday afternoons, but that is not what I mean. I am not talking about working hard to try to please me. I mean working hard to keep me. It is never very hard for him. I am always here...waiting.
On a better note or maybe not depending on how I look at it. My daughter gave me a deep and long hug today when I picked her up. I felt even worse in some ways, but in others I was happy to be able to hold her and let her know that I loved her.
I went to the gym today. I thought it would make me feel better. The gym usually gives me a chance to work through things in my head. I had a hard time because it was not my normal time. That did not help. My mind was not able to wander like it normally does.
Do you ever have doubts about things that you know are not doubtful? I feel that way so often. Rationally I know my husband loves me. I really believe that he does, but somehow I do not trust it. Does that even make sense? Maybe part of me really believes that no one can or should love me. Is that what is going on? I know I have severe trust issues. (Sorry Mom and Dad but a lot of it stems from my youth.) I keep going back to the fact that there is a difference between you are loved and feeling loved. I never really feel loved. I was thinking about my courtship with my hubby. He never had to work hard for me. I made it sooooooo easy. Too easy. I think in some ways I still do. He never has to work very hard for me. He would argue that he works hard to fold the laundry or vacuum the house on Friday afternoons, but that is not what I mean. I am not talking about working hard to try to please me. I mean working hard to keep me. It is never very hard for him. I am always here...waiting.
On a better note or maybe not depending on how I look at it. My daughter gave me a deep and long hug today when I picked her up. I felt even worse in some ways, but in others I was happy to be able to hold her and let her know that I loved her.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I am two months and 5 days out
from my breast lift and augmentation. Honestly I am not sure that I will be able to wait. I joined an on-line support group and it only made me want it now. It is not feasible in any language. My son has surgery this week, too much going on the week after, Thanksgiving is the week after that, then our holiday part at work the next week, and then the next two weeks of December will be spend preparing things at work for Christmas, the end of the year, and New Year's long weekend. After the New Year, I have one full week at work which will be a whirlwind and then surgery the next Wed. I am so excited. I find myself wishing time away which saddens me a bit, but in this case, I cannot help it. The good news is that scheduling my surgery has made me really work on my weight. I was down to 138.2 yesterday. (I did not weigh today.) I am hoping to be down to 135 by the end of the month, but my goal is really 132. I decided I want to get to 125 before surgery. I put on a size 6 fitted strapless dress that I bought this summer that was way too tight to wear before. It now fits really well. I look flat chested in it, though, because I cannot wear a bra with it! Too bad that once I get surgery I will not be able to wear it. It will be too small in the top!
Which leads me to my next question. How big do I go? I told both plastic surgeons I saw that I wanted to be proportional and not smaller than a C cup which is what I have been my whole life. One surgeon said he would put no more than 330 cc's. The doc I went with (because he took pictures and really spent over an hour dissecting them with me) said about 400 cc's and that he would move me into a D cup because my breast base is large. I am married now to being a D cup, but do I go a bit bigger? Part of my concern is if I go a bit bigger will it increase the likelihood that I will need another lift sooner? At first I thought I would just be happy with perkier breasts. Now I am not so sure. Am I going insane? Do I really want to have breasts that much larger? Everyone says when in doubt go larger? My hubby wants me to go larger.
The one nice thing about my surgery in January is that I am hoping it will get me through my normal Jan/Feb depression. I HATE those months. They are the worst. I get so depressed. It is cold, dark, and miserable. February is such a short month, but it always seems so long. I am hoping that in continuing my recuperation in those months, I will be less depressed and more excited about how I will look each day and once less clothing are needed.
Anyways, I wanted to thank my husband for fully supporting (emotionally and monetarily, of course) my decision to do this. Words can and never will fully express my appreciation. I never realized how awful my breasts were until this past spring. It made me sad. It is the one thing I cannot change through diet and exercise. It will make me feel a lot better about myself and therefore help make me more confident and probably less self concious about my age.
Which leads me to my next question. How big do I go? I told both plastic surgeons I saw that I wanted to be proportional and not smaller than a C cup which is what I have been my whole life. One surgeon said he would put no more than 330 cc's. The doc I went with (because he took pictures and really spent over an hour dissecting them with me) said about 400 cc's and that he would move me into a D cup because my breast base is large. I am married now to being a D cup, but do I go a bit bigger? Part of my concern is if I go a bit bigger will it increase the likelihood that I will need another lift sooner? At first I thought I would just be happy with perkier breasts. Now I am not so sure. Am I going insane? Do I really want to have breasts that much larger? Everyone says when in doubt go larger? My hubby wants me to go larger.
The one nice thing about my surgery in January is that I am hoping it will get me through my normal Jan/Feb depression. I HATE those months. They are the worst. I get so depressed. It is cold, dark, and miserable. February is such a short month, but it always seems so long. I am hoping that in continuing my recuperation in those months, I will be less depressed and more excited about how I will look each day and once less clothing are needed.
Anyways, I wanted to thank my husband for fully supporting (emotionally and monetarily, of course) my decision to do this. Words can and never will fully express my appreciation. I never realized how awful my breasts were until this past spring. It made me sad. It is the one thing I cannot change through diet and exercise. It will make me feel a lot better about myself and therefore help make me more confident and probably less self concious about my age.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Bummer of a weekend.
Last weekend was so hectic. We just needed a nice quiet one. Not gonna happen. My 3 year old daughter is sick with the stomach bug. Yuck. It is so pitiful to watch her throw up. She is such a trooper about it. She does it right in the container I have given her for that purpose. Just got to keep my son from getting sick. He is having surgery on Wed to have some teeth filled. I do not want to move it again, but I am so worried he will get sick and then we have to cancel last minute and then pay then despite canceling. Plus I am worried that I will get sick now. I eat after the kids, and I really should not. I have quarantined my daughter in the living room for now. Hopefully I can keep the rest of the family from getting sick. I have sick kid duty. Hubby has my son out of the house!
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