Upper hand.

I am a total dope in so many ways.  I really need some help.  Something is really wrong with me.  I am always working trying to figure out the best way to keep everyone at a distance.  Why?  So many things run through my head to get closer to people but I cannot tell them.  My mouth will not allow the words to come out.  It is so sad.  I want to love deeply and be loved deeply, but my mind will not allow it.  Too much self-preservation, I suppose.  Why can't I let go.  I want to but I cannot.  Something is holding me back.  What is it?  Why can't I get close to people?  Is my sense of trust that destroyed?