Friday, March 4, 2011

Everything is swirling around

I had a good friend tell me yesterday that her husband said that their marriage is over. They have been married less than 2 years. What the hell? I feel awful for her. It is painful for me. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is dealing with right now. I want so bad to promise her it will be ok or that he will come back if that is what she wants. I want to fix it. She is one of the kindest people that I know. She is just a good, genuine person. So sad.
My husband finds it ironic that this happens as I go forward on my own "journey" back into therapy. I know I am not depressed, but it was nice to hear it from a professional yesterday. For me, the stress is overwhelming. The counselor actually corrected me. It is not the stress; rather, it is my anxiety when I get stressed that is killing me. I prepare my body for the worst and start thinking awful thoughts even over stupid little things. I just want to fix it.
The funny is that I understand my friend's husband (well, not in his wanting a divorce) in how he behaves otherwise and his thinking about things. He and I are messed up in similar ways. He thinks he is now better and "realized" that they have nothing in common and wants to leave. I found that as I got "better" I finally found the love that I had wanted for my husband all along. There were years when I loved him, but was not actively engaged in loving him. When I finally started to really get better and get on a better path, I really started to actively love and desire him. It was an answer to my prayers. For me, marriage is forever. I would never and will never consider leaving him, but I so wanted that loving, emotional relationship. I wanted it so badly that prayed for it. I found it finally and have been thankful since. It took 10 years, but we found it. Thank goodness my husband can put up with a lot. A lot of men would have left before then. Thank goodness he did not because our relationship is better now than it has ever been, and I personally feel that the wait was well worth it.