Did I really get another chance?

I cannot help but wonder some days if I got another chance at life and love.  My life is totally different than it was before in almost every way.  Yes, of course, there are the obvious ways that affect most people...I have kids and such but I mean more in the sense of who I am and what I want.  I love running and I never wanted to run.  I am completely and utterly in love with my husband and I never loved anyone because it was too hard and made you take too many chances that you could get hurt, but here I am running and loving.  I never saw myself like this.
My drive is back.  I wanted to run for an hour and 40 minutes, and I made it. I made it through some major issues too, but I did it.  I was so tired after which tells me how out of shape I am, but I loved it.  I was worried about an hour and 10 minutes in because it was not fun but the end of the run, I remembered, you go through phases.  The longer you run the more phases you have where you lose the fun, but usually it returns...well, hopefully anyways and it did for me today.  By an hour and 25 minutes, I got my groove back.  I feel like the old me again.  I think Friday's run helped as it felt so effortless.  I love running.  I missed enjoying it.  I have a 15k mid January and a half in June, and I think it is some 49 weeks until the full marathon.  Every now and then, I picture myself finishing the full and how wonderfully amazing that moment will feel.  I thought I would never ever in a million years run a full...even when I signed up for the half.  Never say never. 
I was thinking today as my mind wandered while running that I should do more muscle building exercises for my legs.  Then I started thinking about how that type of stuff is mostly for professional athletes and I am not a professional athlete.  That is where my mind normally goes.  Then I started thinking and questioning...so what. I am not a professional athlete or professional body builder, but does that really matter?  No.  All that matters is what I want to do running and exercise-wise.  Jason, the ultimate PT, can fix the rest for me so why not.  Just do it, right!

Effortless

I needed this run today.  It was virtually effortless.  Time flew by.  I ran on a treadmill...too cold for me...with my BFF next to me.  We talked the whole time.  A 10k down and it was over before I knew it.  It was the fastest hour of my life.  We went slow so I know it was an easy run, but it felt like nothing.  I needed that.  Every run (even the ones on the treadmill) have felt so tough lately.  I needed a run that felt simply effortless and it did.  I hope that Sunday's run feels the same way!  My mind needed this run.  I am very thankful.
My rice krispy treat turkey looked good.  Last year's looked better, but I think that was because I used twizzlers and those made the difference.  All in all, though, I was pleased.  The hubby's 10k went well yesterday.  He finished in a little over 54 minutes. I was telling my BFF this am that it never ceases to amaze me how many people run 10k's faster than I do and how many of them are pretty out of shape.  Never ceases to amaze me....
I am a bit jealous of his run from yesterday.  Part of it was a trail run and I love trail runs!!!  The hubby said that folks were complaining about it.  They are crazy!!!
No Black Friday shopping for us.  The crowds are too large for me.  We do not really buy a lot anyways.  The mall was packed today, though, from a combination of Black Friday and nice weather.  It was beautiful!  Tomorrow is supposed to be much colder.  Winter is kicking in.  I am not sure how many miles that will lead to me to do on Sunday.  We will see how I feel.  I would like to stick with 10, but maybe that is being too ambitious, but then again...I like to be ambitious.  I am not wild about doing things small. 

It's time to party. It's Thanksgiving....

My son said that a few minutes ago.  I said, "Yeah, get into the holiday spirit."  I love Thanksgiving.  It is the one day of the year that I let it all go.  I drink and I hardly ever just allow myself to drink. I have fun and just let loose.  There is no schedule, no real rules, nothing.  The kids will stay up late and we will have fun.  We have been dancing around watching the parade and I have already hit the bottle of shiraz I bought a week ago.  It is just a day to relax, party, and let go of my grip a bit.  It is tough for me, but we are doing it.  Pretty awesome because I never let go and was not sure that I would be able to do it two years in a row, but so far so good.  My hubby did a 10k turkey trot today which is pretty cool.  I rowed this am and rowed pretty hard.  I plan to make the rice krispy treat turkey soon.  I hope it lives up to last year's turkey.  It was very cool and actually looked like a turkey.  I have the real turkey breast (there are only 4 of us so not much meat is needed) in the crock pot.  I will cook everything else around 4:30p.  All in all, it is a great day. Such a departure from my real life.  It is just about fun.  It is a nice departure.  I thoroughly enjoy it.  No need to be serious.  Lord knows that life is too serious too much and too often....
Time to go back to the party...

I only run when chased.

I used to say that on a regular basis back when I was 23-24 and weighed about 220.  (I will never really know for sure how much I weighed at the height because I only weighed myself after losing some weight and at that point, the scaled read 199.)  So the chick who used to say that I only run when chased has signed up for a marathon.  52 weeks.  Yes, 52 weeks to rain.  I am already halfway there since I don't plan to let go of my half marathon physical status that I have now.  For the first time, I feel like I can do it.  So now I say that I get seriously depressed when I cannot run. How funny is that.  I was visualizing this am how it would feel to finish next Nov.  I am running it for the younger, very afraid Tiffy, the one who weighed 220 and never ran.  I am also running it for the version of woman that I aspire to be and I am also ironically enough running it for my mother.  At some point she gave into fear and wallowed in it and let it take over her life so I am running for her in a way, in the way that she never found the courage to overcome that fear and break out of what chains her down and away from the things she really wants to do.  I no longer feel weighed down by those 3 women.  I feel supported by them...well, not by my mother but the other two versions of me.  I am currently somewhere in between the two of them, but both of them are part of me and will help me get through.  Without the 220 pound and miserable Tiffy, I would not be as stubborn and tenacious as I am which means I would never mentally and physically be able to get through 5 hours of running, and without the better version of myself that I want to be, well, I would give into fear and not run this race, but we are going to do it.  If it 30 and snows, we will run it.  If it is 90 and the sun is like fire, we will run it.  It is time to do it. 

Ready for the next challenge and looking for a plan

I am ready to do it. I am ready to run a marathon...well, next year that is.  I was very afraid of the idea of it after the difficulties I faced in the half last week, but I brought my mind back to why I decided to run the first half in the first place.  Fear.  I did not want to be afraid and if I was afraid, I still did not want that to hold me back from doing what I want to do.  I want to run a full marathon.  I really do so I am searching for the right full marathon.  I am using the wrongs of the half and looking at those to see what the best marathon would be for me.  I will make a decision soon.  I plan to continue to run 20-25 miles a week so I plan to stay in half marathon shape so I will not need to make up any work there.  I have had a good week.  I did full workouts every day but Mon and even did a short workout that day.  It is a good week.  This next week will be awesome!  I love my Thanksgiving plans.  It is a great day!  I bought my bottle of shiraz today. 
This week I learned a lesson through someone else.  I heard a friend talking about how stressed she was about getting the perfect outfit for a fun event.  Her stress was totally killing the joy of the event.  It reminded me again that life should be fun not stressful and that I have a tendency to take the fun out of life.  So sad.  Why do we as woman do that?  Is it because we are so stressed about trying to take care of everyone else that we cannot focus on the fun of doing things?  I am tired of stressing all of the time about everything.  I want to find more joy and fun in life.  It was a good kick in the pants for me!

Realized the true marathon for a runner and what it means

The true marathon for the runner is not the actual race.  It is the series of races and how you recover from each mentally, physically, and as a runner.  Saturday I did not run the race I wanted to or expected to run.  It stuck with me all day Sat and most of Sun.  Yesterday, I let it go a little bit.  Trying to recover mentally has been the hardest part.  I see these people who barely ever run and wonder how do they do so well.  I run rings around them as far as actual mileage goes.  So why are they so much faster and tougher in a race situation than I am.  Why?  I often think it is because I am weak which is laughable to most people who know me.  I think I am the only woman who gives birth to children sans drugs and does not complain.  I just get it done.  So why in a race am I slower and less able to adapt?  These are two questions, I struggle with now.  Today I was able to put it into perspective a bit.  It is not the race I need to worry about.  What I need to do is focus on those things I can change and work harder to fix those and work harder at the running.  I gave up on some big things in life and after that swore, I would never give up again and I refuse to give up on something that I love, and I truly love running.  I love it because it frees me.  It allows me to do something I never thought I would do in a million years and let's face it, part of it is that it is something no one in my family has ever really done.  It is mine.  All mine, well, in the scope of my family.  For me the marathon now is figuring out how to best adapt and recover from this race and focus on what I need to do to not feel disappointment again.  That is the true marathon of a runner.  I needed that 1 mile I ran today.  I ran it better than I ever have before.  It was just 1 mile, but that 1 mile reminded me that there is recovery in all aspects so on to the next mile, I go.

Taking some advice

So Runner's World says to think about your race runs and go over what you could control and what you could not control and then out of the things you could control what worked and what did not.  The article claims that it will help you figure out how to have better race day runs.  Since that is my issue, here I go.
Things I could not control:
1.  The weather--caused some anxiety for me.  I hate the cold.  I was definitely anxious going into the run since I knew it would be cold, but I figured if I planned to run the half, I knew what I was getting into.  I need to think about cooler races and how realistic running them is for me. 
2.  Where I am in my cycle.  The odds have been against me the last two halfs for this.  Not anything I can do about it.  Nature does what it wants. 
Things I can control:
1.  My attitude going into the race.  I was definitely not feeling it earlier this week.  I knew that the race was going to be rough mentally.  Self fulfilling prophecy perhaps?  If my attitude was better going in, would I have felt better about the race?
2.  Having fun during the race.  I did not have fun this race which just sucks more than I say.  I love running.  There is a line in a Taio Cruz song where he says "I do this just for kicks just for the thrill."  That is how I feel about running.  I did not enjoy today's run at all.  I just wanted it to be over.  How do I get the fun back?  Will I have fun the next time I run or am I over the fun for now? 
3.  My body.  I have not taken care of my body over the last several weeks.  Too much candy over the last 30 days and not enough stretching and rolling over the last week.  I did not stretch or roll at all yesterday.  That was a huge mistake.  I know that is why my IT band tightened.  Better care of my body going into the race.  I was too stressed and tired each evening to worry about it. 
4.  My music.  Having fresh music was great!  Definitely a must again!
5.  Clothing.  Wear running jacket rather than shirt that I need to lift over my head.  That slowed me down around miles 2-3 which is where I always struggle.
6.  Pace.  I need to figure out how to better pace myself in a race.  I always get into a groove after 45 minutes of running.  Yes, it takes me that long to warm up.  I need to find a way to stretch that out in a race situation.  I need to figure out how to slow myself down when I am running.  I so struggle with that.
7.  Race I sign up for.  A smaller race is definitely more my speed.  I totally know that now.  I need to think about that when I sign up for the next half marathon and the full marathon I will eventually do.  It just works for me. 
8.  I am not sure if I can control getting into my own head.  I struggle with that so much as I run a race.  My best runs are ones where I am in my own head, but that only happens when I am alone.  I need to find a way to do that in a race. 
9.  Food.  I need to have something with sugar along the way and not just powerade to drink.  I think my breakfast was perfect, though.  The one slice of peanut butter toast is PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am sure that there are more things to consider.  This all I can contemplate for now. 

Not happy

I know I should be, but I am not.  Today's run was rough.  I was over 2 hours and 11 minutes.  Nice that I was 4 minutes slower than my August run.  My IT band was definitely bothering me, but I just did not have it in me today.  I knew that going into the week.  I was nervous about the race all week.  That is why.  I just want to know what I am missing for these runs.  I train every week and have no problem and just go out and run.  Why is it different during race time?  What changes for me?  Most people run better during race time.  I do not.  Why?  This race was unlike any race I have ever run.  There were way more people than I have become accustomed to during races.  The largest race I have done prior was capped at 1500 people and I do not believe that the race even hit 1500.  I need to figure out how to run my race come race day so that I am not so disappointed.  I spend so much time preparing.  I just don't want to feel disappointed after a race.  So many miles run and disappointment.  No one wants that. I want to feel good.
The rower we got is awesome.  So happy to have it.  I love rowing each day and will hopefully continue back with that tomorrow.  It is such a luxury to be able to roll out of bed and hit the machine.  I had PT on Wed of this past week.  Jason killed me.  My right hip was sore for 2 days after.  He had some suggestions on how I need to row a bit better.  I will do ask he recommends.  That should help the hip alignment. 
Part of being a woman my age is figuring out who you are.  Funny that it happens to women so much later in life.  I wonder when it happens for men.  Hopefully it does not make the hubby do anything crazy.  I know the person I was in the past.  I know who I want to be, but the person now...well, I am not so sure about her.  I need to figure that out and then figure out who to make that leap to the woman I want to be.  Well, and then figure out why race day is so tough for me...
I just want to say that I have the most wonderful husband and co-workers.  The hubby brought the kids to see me along the trail twice. I knew I would see them around mile 7.  I did not expect to see them again.  It meant so much to me so see my kids again.  My kids looked so proud.  It is a great feeling.  Most of my co-workers have checked in with me too which is very sweet.  What a nice group of people with whom I work.  I am very lucky, no doubt. 
I cannot believe that Thanksgiving is closing in.  I look forward to it every year.  I love the beer drinking I do along with my rice krispy treat turkey.  I might actually load up a pic of the turkey this year just for chuckles. The three beers it takes for me to keep a buzz all day is quite amusing.  I am such a lightweight.  I am definitely having a beer tonight!  I need to figure out what my next big thing is.  What race will I run next?  I know I have a 5k on Dec 1, but I can do a 5k in my sleep.  That is not enough to challenge me.  My BFF plans to do a 15k mid January, but I am not sure that cold weather training is for me.  I need to figure that one out.

Tiffy gets her groove back...at least for a day.

Where is it along the way where we (speaking of wives and mothers) lose that ability to really have fun and relax and just laugh?  We become so serious. Is it because life takes over and we have so much to do?  How sad is that?  My kids taught me how to love and what it means to really love someone and how to totally get in tough with that feeling, but they also gave me the excuse of "I don't have time for fun or strength for fun," etc, etc. I love my kids and am thankful to have both of them in my life.  They both teach me so much each and every day and they make me want to be a better mom, but when I look at them, I see that I am raising two very serious kids.  Is that because I am so serious?  We  had so much fun this summer.  The fun is gone.  We need to get it back.  The hubby and I need to get it back.  A large part of it is me.  I spend so much time being bitter, and bitterness and fun cannot co-exist. 
Long run today....sort of.  I have to do 8.  I would prefer my longer run, but my BFF was insistent that I cut back today since the half is Saturday.  I will do 8.  Maybe it will be nice to do a shorter run.  I plan to row a little tonight too.  At least it is warmer today than it was on Friday.  Yikes that was a cold run.  There is less pressure with this run.  That is nice at least.  I need to come up with a plan for post half marathon.  I don't know what I plan to do each week for running.  I mean I know that my BFF and I will run on Wed and Fri but what will I do on Sat?  I don't want to lose my long runs, but the winter is closing in.  Can I really handle running when it is freezing outside?  Not sure.  I think I have picked my full marathon for next year.  I think.  I am a bit nervous.  Will I actually commit to it?  I don't know.  I will do my normal race and the Patrick Henry half that I did this year and both local trail race, of course, but the thought of the marathon looms over me.  What to do.  I definitely want to trail run more next year. That is a must!!!!!!!!!!!
I have to say that I am amazed by the amount of hours dedicated to football each Sat and Sun and we as a society wonder why it is going down the toilet.  It is clear who we idolize.  So sad. We have bigger problems than we think.  That is apparent and something this election can never fix. 
I always take the kids to vote and then we hit McDonald's for dinner.  It has become a tradition for us.  I want the kids to understand politics and understand the importance of voting.