Runners are obsessed with why they run. Read any running magazine and you will quickly learn that. I guess I understand it to a certain extent, but not really. I do not care why I run. Running is one of the few things I do not think or wonder "why?" That is a pretty incredible feat considering that I am constantly going through everything each day and questioning how or why. Yes, I spend most of my days going over everything that happened that day or a week before or a year before or even a decade before and think about why. Running is uncomplicated for me in that way, well, for the most part that is. The running has suffered so much lately because it has been more complicated that it needed to be. Today I had the luxury of just running. No minimum to run, no set distance and no pace to watch to make sure that I do not go too fast and then cannot finish the distance. That is not a luxury that I have had in a long, long time. I ran in a very organic sense today. I just ran and did not worry about my distance. Yes, I wanted to run at least a 10k and I did. I pushed it today just running the way my body wanted to go. It was faster than my running has been for the last few months (as I have slowed down my pace so I can run much further--always watching that pace.) I went fast in my last mile, much faster than I expected. My time was 58.26, a time that would have horrified me prior to marathon training when I was running faster on a regular basis, but now in the habit of keeping my pace around 10:00-10:30 per mile, I was pleased. I would really like to win my age division in the local 5k here which means really training for that 5k and not just doing longer distances. That is hard because I really only get to do an outdoor run alone once a week and so I have to decide between a fast 5k and slower longer run. I think in the end, the 5k will win. The marathon is done. I never have to do one again. Next on the list is the 5k division so it is time to work on that. I know what is next after that too so there is an appropriate plan of succession in play so at the end of the day, it works.
Perhaps I do not ponder why I run because I do not know and the mental exhaustion is too much. I do not know but for now I will take what I hope to be more uncomplicated runs.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Marathon is over
I did it. I wish I could say that I felt that elation of accomplishing something when we finished, but I was just so thankful to be done that I did not even have any inclination to cry at all. That surprised me. It still does.
It was hard. It was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. We finished in 5:23:44. The record books has us down for 5:31 and change, but we stopped to pee twice and I stopped the garmin during that time. I do not consider that time too bad for two ladies who really did not train in the last two months. I think I need a marathon in September when I am still at the peak of my training each summer. What I do know is that I will do a marathon again. What else do I know? It will not be next year. There is a trail race half marathon close by that I want to do next fall. There are also some other half marathons that I want to do next year and some other trail races along the way. I love running, but not the dramatic, 3-4 runs. I do not mind the 1 hour to two hours runs, but anything longer than that and well, I feel like I should be with my family and not out running. Then I feel weighed down which is not helpful in running.
I learned yesterday that I can carry my BFF and I running. Normally she carries us. I carried her for a good deal of the race. My boss was right. It was good for me to do that for us. I also learned that when you have already run 23 miles, a 5k seems like another 10 miles!! I learned that it gets quiet in the back from miles 18-26. No one talks. We are all so pissed off and just wanting it to end at that point! I learned that I can avoid chaffing of my sports bra by putting chaffing cream all over my stomach and chest. Post race meal, I learned that french fries and onion rings do not taste as good as I remembered. The same goes for a Reese's Blizzard. (It was good, but I do not need it.) I learned that I still smile as I am running even 25 miles in. I wish I could explain that. I was the only one at that point. I felt crazy and lucky all at that same time. My knees hurt so much at that point, but part of me was still happy. Maybe it is because I was the girl who said I only ran when chased. There I was finishing a marathon, something I never thought in a million years I would do.
I want to thank my BFF who keeps me running and who advised us along the way. You are amazing, strong woman. You inspire me every day. I told you that we would finish it together and I am glad that we did! I want to thank my kids. This morning at breakfast my son said to me that is cool that I ran a marathon. My daughter made a sign for me that she wanted to stick in the ground along the way. Very fun! I want to thank Connie and Kimberly from work. I feel honored that you wanted to be there for one of the biggest events of my life. I can never fully express how thankful I am for that. Your support means so much to me. It helped to keep us going! Ironically enough, I need to thank my mother. Your constant criticism when I was growing up has made me constantly push the limits of who I am and what I can. Sure, because of it, I doubt myself all of the time, but without, I would never have the drive to push as I do. Last but not least, I want to thank my husband. You let me go run out the door for hours and never complain about it. You listen to me when I am feeling insecure and incompetent and constantly doubting myself (which let's face it is frequent.) You do not take it personally and you do your best to help as much as you can. You put up with a lot. I love you more than I can ever say. You, too, inspire me every day to be a better woman and wife. You are a good man and a fantastic husband and I know it!
It was hard. It was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. We finished in 5:23:44. The record books has us down for 5:31 and change, but we stopped to pee twice and I stopped the garmin during that time. I do not consider that time too bad for two ladies who really did not train in the last two months. I think I need a marathon in September when I am still at the peak of my training each summer. What I do know is that I will do a marathon again. What else do I know? It will not be next year. There is a trail race half marathon close by that I want to do next fall. There are also some other half marathons that I want to do next year and some other trail races along the way. I love running, but not the dramatic, 3-4 runs. I do not mind the 1 hour to two hours runs, but anything longer than that and well, I feel like I should be with my family and not out running. Then I feel weighed down which is not helpful in running.
I learned yesterday that I can carry my BFF and I running. Normally she carries us. I carried her for a good deal of the race. My boss was right. It was good for me to do that for us. I also learned that when you have already run 23 miles, a 5k seems like another 10 miles!! I learned that it gets quiet in the back from miles 18-26. No one talks. We are all so pissed off and just wanting it to end at that point! I learned that I can avoid chaffing of my sports bra by putting chaffing cream all over my stomach and chest. Post race meal, I learned that french fries and onion rings do not taste as good as I remembered. The same goes for a Reese's Blizzard. (It was good, but I do not need it.) I learned that I still smile as I am running even 25 miles in. I wish I could explain that. I was the only one at that point. I felt crazy and lucky all at that same time. My knees hurt so much at that point, but part of me was still happy. Maybe it is because I was the girl who said I only ran when chased. There I was finishing a marathon, something I never thought in a million years I would do.
I want to thank my BFF who keeps me running and who advised us along the way. You are amazing, strong woman. You inspire me every day. I told you that we would finish it together and I am glad that we did! I want to thank my kids. This morning at breakfast my son said to me that is cool that I ran a marathon. My daughter made a sign for me that she wanted to stick in the ground along the way. Very fun! I want to thank Connie and Kimberly from work. I feel honored that you wanted to be there for one of the biggest events of my life. I can never fully express how thankful I am for that. Your support means so much to me. It helped to keep us going! Ironically enough, I need to thank my mother. Your constant criticism when I was growing up has made me constantly push the limits of who I am and what I can. Sure, because of it, I doubt myself all of the time, but without, I would never have the drive to push as I do. Last but not least, I want to thank my husband. You let me go run out the door for hours and never complain about it. You listen to me when I am feeling insecure and incompetent and constantly doubting myself (which let's face it is frequent.) You do not take it personally and you do your best to help as much as you can. You put up with a lot. I love you more than I can ever say. You, too, inspire me every day to be a better woman and wife. You are a good man and a fantastic husband and I know it!
Friday, November 14, 2014
This is it...it is almost here.
Two years in the making and the marathon is tomorrow. I am FREAKING OUT. I am not ready mentally or physically. Physically, I think we will survive. With some of the issues from last week, I see us walking a lot which is fine with me. I am terrified of the mental part. It is going to be sub freezing tomorrow am. I do not run below 32 degrees. Tomorrow I have no choice. I have other people depending on me. Plus, I really cannot put this off another year. Three years in the making is too much pressure. I am terrified. I remember signing up way back in November of 2012, the Monday after the marathon that year, and I remember signing up because I did not want to be afraid any more. I am now kicking myself. I am scared to death. This is the one of the biggest things I will ever do in my life. It is a big deal. How do I fight against the fear. This is what I wanted. I wanted to be able to face the fear and overcome it and now I am not sure that I can. I am afraid. So what happens tomorrow? How do I deal? Normally my BFF is the one supporting me through these races. She is the one who needs support this go round so how do I cope? These are all questions I am dealing with today. Signing up two years ago did not make me not afraid, and maybe the reality is that the point of signing up was not to not be afraid. After all signing up for the race was easy. Maybe the point was to be afraid and still charge forward. Normally when I see fear looming ahead, I run away. I take a different course or shut down. I cannot do that tomorrow. I keep thinking about riding rollercoasters. I fear them, but I ride them so I am not afraid. I am still afraid, but I do them. Maybe that is the key somehow!
Monday, November 10, 2014
I used to be
I used to be different. I used to be bold, daring, and fun and not so afraid of everything. I would not go so far as to say that I was audacious, but I pushed the limits to the point where I was popular and likeable at the same time. That is hard to be. We hate most popular people because they are not always nice and usually think that they are better than everyone else. I was never like that. I wanted to like everyone and have everyone like me in kind. I am still fun from time to time, but I have fallen far away from being bold in a fun way. I remember when the change happened. I do. I remember after it happened thinking, "What happened. I used to be this way or that way." That was the winter of my senior year of high school. I remember wondering more than once what the hell happened.
Tonight I was compelled to dig up the box of memorabilia that I have from high school to find something I need this week pre-marathon. I knew it would help me. I needed it. First of all, I found more than one box of memorabilia. I have one from college and then one from when I had my son. I managed to find my high school box. On the top of the pile was a picture of my cousin, the one who died 3 years ago. Considering the picture was taken when I was already married and living in the same city I live in now, I do not believe that was an accident that it was on the very top of the stuff in this box. There were pictures of my son and the purchase agreement for our current house, but my high school stuff was down on the bottom. There I found the papers that I needed. What I also found, though, surprised me. There were things that I have kept over the years as an adult that showed glimpses of the bold, daring, fun girl I used to be. There was a crazy article I tore out of Forbes back when I had my subscription. It was about Peeps of all things and how people were obsessed with them and would have Peep Wars. (It actually led me to trying a Peep War at work about 6 years ago. Our microwave there has a black cover over the window so that idea sank quickly...unfortunately.) I also found the paper from the new about Apollo's Chariot when they were building it in Williamsburg. I am not sure why I kept it, but I did. When I saved it, I had never ridden a rollercoaster and was pretty sure that I never would. I did eventually and still do even riding the largest, fastest rollercoaster at Kings Dominion.
I found what I was looking for, the six acts of Love as written by Nike from their Women's Source Book. I could not find a date on it, but I had to have cut it out in high school most likely from Cosmopolitan magazine or something like that. I did not run back then and if you had told me at that point that eventually I would run, I would have laughed in your face and bet you a million dollars that it was a hobby that I would never take up. Here I am, though, 5 days away from that marathon and desperately still trying to get back to that girl who was bold, fun and daring and unafraid to speak her mind, give her opinion, or be who she was. So what happened that fall that made me change? I still wonder. I always will or maybe somehow, I already know....
As I sit here thinking about the chance finding of my cousin's face staring back up at me from a pile of paper and no other pictures with it, I wonder if knowing what happened changes anything, and I wonder why I am so afraid to run a race that has been in the making for almost two years now. I wonder if I will finish and if I finish, will other judge my time and why the thought of that totally freaks me out. I think of Brian who would give anything to be alive. I think of Brian who would had he have a chance to live all over again, would not waste time on being afraid of anything.
On a side note...140.9 and a week with no binging and purging. This week will be tough as I have to carb load some. I typed in the calorie count for the calories I will burn and it freaked me out. I am just trying to find that balance now if I can. Balance has never been my strong suit. I still am, just like that girl in high school, an all or nothing kind of girl....
Tonight I was compelled to dig up the box of memorabilia that I have from high school to find something I need this week pre-marathon. I knew it would help me. I needed it. First of all, I found more than one box of memorabilia. I have one from college and then one from when I had my son. I managed to find my high school box. On the top of the pile was a picture of my cousin, the one who died 3 years ago. Considering the picture was taken when I was already married and living in the same city I live in now, I do not believe that was an accident that it was on the very top of the stuff in this box. There were pictures of my son and the purchase agreement for our current house, but my high school stuff was down on the bottom. There I found the papers that I needed. What I also found, though, surprised me. There were things that I have kept over the years as an adult that showed glimpses of the bold, daring, fun girl I used to be. There was a crazy article I tore out of Forbes back when I had my subscription. It was about Peeps of all things and how people were obsessed with them and would have Peep Wars. (It actually led me to trying a Peep War at work about 6 years ago. Our microwave there has a black cover over the window so that idea sank quickly...unfortunately.) I also found the paper from the new about Apollo's Chariot when they were building it in Williamsburg. I am not sure why I kept it, but I did. When I saved it, I had never ridden a rollercoaster and was pretty sure that I never would. I did eventually and still do even riding the largest, fastest rollercoaster at Kings Dominion.
I found what I was looking for, the six acts of Love as written by Nike from their Women's Source Book. I could not find a date on it, but I had to have cut it out in high school most likely from Cosmopolitan magazine or something like that. I did not run back then and if you had told me at that point that eventually I would run, I would have laughed in your face and bet you a million dollars that it was a hobby that I would never take up. Here I am, though, 5 days away from that marathon and desperately still trying to get back to that girl who was bold, fun and daring and unafraid to speak her mind, give her opinion, or be who she was. So what happened that fall that made me change? I still wonder. I always will or maybe somehow, I already know....
As I sit here thinking about the chance finding of my cousin's face staring back up at me from a pile of paper and no other pictures with it, I wonder if knowing what happened changes anything, and I wonder why I am so afraid to run a race that has been in the making for almost two years now. I wonder if I will finish and if I finish, will other judge my time and why the thought of that totally freaks me out. I think of Brian who would give anything to be alive. I think of Brian who would had he have a chance to live all over again, would not waste time on being afraid of anything.
On a side note...140.9 and a week with no binging and purging. This week will be tough as I have to carb load some. I typed in the calorie count for the calories I will burn and it freaked me out. I am just trying to find that balance now if I can. Balance has never been my strong suit. I still am, just like that girl in high school, an all or nothing kind of girl....
Sunday, November 2, 2014
142.2 and counting
Not a horrible day but enough that I have already thrown up. Thank goodness I had not just eaten peanut butter. That never comes up easy and I thought that ice cream was the worst thing to throw up.
Anyways, so my husband made me wonder today what am I afraid of. I know the answer. I am afraid I will finally get to my goals and once I am that person, it will not make one hell of difference for my emotional state. I will still be me just thinner, fitter, but still me. I think about it a lot in reference to my BFF's mom. I believe she thought that moving into a 1 story house would help make her Parkinson's less noticeable. She would fall less and would feel younger again too. Post move when that did not happen, she freaked out and had a psychotic break. What if that happens to me? What if I get to point Z and then I am still not happy with me? What do I do then? Do I go crazy? The fear of being fat and/or crazy again is what I fear more than anything, and those two are so wrapped up in another. Life would be so easier if I did not have to face food all of the time. I guess that is where I think food addiction is the hardest addiction. I have to eat to live, and I HATE that. Why does me still being me bother me so much? Now that is the next question!
Anyways, so my husband made me wonder today what am I afraid of. I know the answer. I am afraid I will finally get to my goals and once I am that person, it will not make one hell of difference for my emotional state. I will still be me just thinner, fitter, but still me. I think about it a lot in reference to my BFF's mom. I believe she thought that moving into a 1 story house would help make her Parkinson's less noticeable. She would fall less and would feel younger again too. Post move when that did not happen, she freaked out and had a psychotic break. What if that happens to me? What if I get to point Z and then I am still not happy with me? What do I do then? Do I go crazy? The fear of being fat and/or crazy again is what I fear more than anything, and those two are so wrapped up in another. Life would be so easier if I did not have to face food all of the time. I guess that is where I think food addiction is the hardest addiction. I have to eat to live, and I HATE that. Why does me still being me bother me so much? Now that is the next question!
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Day 3 back on track
Today was a harder day. I wanted something sweet all day. I hit the Coke 0 hard because of it. It was easier yesterday when I spent a large part of my mid-day at a funeral. Weight today was 143.3. I exercised a lot which was good. I found the discipline to walk at lunch even though I did not want to. That is progress.
Today's food:
4 tablespoons of peanut butter
1 slice of ezekial bread
1 egg
.5 cup of celery
1 granny smith apple
1 chicken breast
gaucamole
cabbage boiled to be noodles
1 cup of marinara
2.5 oz of ground chicken
2 small meatballs
mixed green salad
1 oz of chicken breast
1 ancient warrior bar
.25 cup of almonds
that is it for a total of around 1700 calories.
I supposed that is progress. I am not under my calorie count, but I am mostly satisfied. The big thing is the lack of added sugar and grains! Other than the bread and warrior bar, there is very little of either. That will hopefully help the hormones. I have been majorly spotting all day for the last 3 days, but no period actually starting. That is a bit depressing. I hate the on-going spotting. It would be nice to either not bleed or actually bleed. This is the BS I got tired of before!! Hopefully this manner of eating will help again. It did last time. If I can just keep it up. That is the question!! I just feel so weak sometimes.
Big run tomorrow. Hopefully I can tolerate the first half of our workout and I am not talking about the exercise itself...
A bit tired emotionally of bullies. Men have no clue what bullies they are at times. The do not treat one another like that. As a woman, I am just expected to take it. Really makes me mad! I am over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's food:
4 tablespoons of peanut butter
1 slice of ezekial bread
1 egg
.5 cup of celery
1 granny smith apple
1 chicken breast
gaucamole
cabbage boiled to be noodles
1 cup of marinara
2.5 oz of ground chicken
2 small meatballs
mixed green salad
1 oz of chicken breast
1 ancient warrior bar
.25 cup of almonds
that is it for a total of around 1700 calories.
I supposed that is progress. I am not under my calorie count, but I am mostly satisfied. The big thing is the lack of added sugar and grains! Other than the bread and warrior bar, there is very little of either. That will hopefully help the hormones. I have been majorly spotting all day for the last 3 days, but no period actually starting. That is a bit depressing. I hate the on-going spotting. It would be nice to either not bleed or actually bleed. This is the BS I got tired of before!! Hopefully this manner of eating will help again. It did last time. If I can just keep it up. That is the question!! I just feel so weak sometimes.
Big run tomorrow. Hopefully I can tolerate the first half of our workout and I am not talking about the exercise itself...
A bit tired emotionally of bullies. Men have no clue what bullies they are at times. The do not treat one another like that. As a woman, I am just expected to take it. Really makes me mad! I am over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Bulimia and eating healthy and hormones
I know that eating no sugar and no flour or grains helps my hormones. I went from having super short cycles to long cycles and now need to get back to some kind of regular cycle. I am spotting a lot again. My diet has been atrocious which has left me feeling down (that crap really seems to affect my moods) and my hormones going nuts. It has also caused a relapse of the bulimia. My therapist recommended a food diary. It is supposed to keep you from overeating. I tend to shy away from those just because it is annoying to have to write everything down. That is the point, of course. I am going to try something new today. Rather than writing it, I am going to type it here. That will be interesting. Let's see if I can keep that up!
I am feeling overwhelmed and bummed these days. My run today was overwhelming. Everything seems to overwhelm me and I only have so much energy to give. I stopped at 3 miles and then came home and cried. I feel so weak. Why am I so weak and undisciplined? I hate that about myself. I feel like a failure.
I do not have the strength to go into it now so instead I will just type out what I ate today:
1 slice of ezekial bread.
4 tablespoons of peanut butter.
5 fruit tootsie rolls.
2 chocolate tootsie rolls.
1 starburst.
1 fajita chicken salad with gaucamole.
Small piece of the shell for my salad.
1/2 cup of almonds.
2 pieces of celery.
4 tablespoons of sugar cookie dough.
3 oz of salmon.
1/4 cup of garlic potatoes.
1 cup of broccoli.
1 cup of mixed salad greens with red and green peppers.
3 slices of bell peppers.
2 ancient warrior bars.
1/4 cup of ground turkey.
I think that is everything. What needs to go? The candy, obviously. The other things are the shell from my salad, the cookie dough, and the potatoes. Really, the ancient warrior bars have too much sugar so maybe a half a one is ok each day. Other than those things, I am good to go. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. I am on day two of no binging and purging. Hopefully I can make it a full week. I am spotting a ton right now just waiting for my period to start. I want it to come now, but with my waxing tomorrow, that may not be a good thing. I am now thinking that maybe another day or two is best.
I am feeling overwhelmed and bummed these days. My run today was overwhelming. Everything seems to overwhelm me and I only have so much energy to give. I stopped at 3 miles and then came home and cried. I feel so weak. Why am I so weak and undisciplined? I hate that about myself. I feel like a failure.
I do not have the strength to go into it now so instead I will just type out what I ate today:
1 slice of ezekial bread.
4 tablespoons of peanut butter.
5 fruit tootsie rolls.
2 chocolate tootsie rolls.
1 starburst.
1 fajita chicken salad with gaucamole.
Small piece of the shell for my salad.
1/2 cup of almonds.
2 pieces of celery.
4 tablespoons of sugar cookie dough.
3 oz of salmon.
1/4 cup of garlic potatoes.
1 cup of broccoli.
1 cup of mixed salad greens with red and green peppers.
3 slices of bell peppers.
2 ancient warrior bars.
1/4 cup of ground turkey.
I think that is everything. What needs to go? The candy, obviously. The other things are the shell from my salad, the cookie dough, and the potatoes. Really, the ancient warrior bars have too much sugar so maybe a half a one is ok each day. Other than those things, I am good to go. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. I am on day two of no binging and purging. Hopefully I can make it a full week. I am spotting a ton right now just waiting for my period to start. I want it to come now, but with my waxing tomorrow, that may not be a good thing. I am now thinking that maybe another day or two is best.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Stuck in neutral
That is how I feel most days. I cannot get ahead. I am always running behind or just idling. There is so much I want to do and I just never seem to be able to get there. Take this marathon for instance. I was supposed to run it last year, but here I am a year later, and it still looms ahead. Will I run it? Until I am at the start line, I will not quite believe it. I keep worrying that I will get sick or something will happen to keep me from running it.
My uncle died on Wednesday. Well, one of my uncles died on Wednesday. My other uncle died over a month ago. I had no idea until Wednesday that my other uncle had also died. We do not deal well with death in my family. The trend continues. The funeral Monday should be interesting for sure.
Why I am so stuck? It has to be me and nothing else. What do I need to do differently? I wish I knew and if I really know, then I wish I would just shut the hell up and do it.
I find myself trying to lean more on my husband now than is my normal inclination. It feels awkward. It is just something I am not used to and not completely comfortable with. I am reading Gone Girl. It makes me really think about the personalities we take on. My is "sturdy Tif." I am pretty much that person with everyone. I am supposed to be strong and sturdy and have no needs and have no wants or desires. I am supposed to be sit by and be happy with what I am given. I am not supposed to want anything. I am supposed to be content. How f-ing boring is that? I want to scream at those (everyone) who expects me to be that way and ask if they too would be satisfied living like that? At the end of the day, I am supposed to be dependable, adaptable and malleable based on anyone and everyone else's needs and I am supposed to smile and be extremely gracious when a morsel of something good comes my way. It pisses me off. I work too hard to find that acceptable. I see my daughter growing up and I hope for her, that she never feels those expectations from anyone. My son too for that wish. I worry more about him than I do her sometimes. He is so freaked out by confrontation and is easily swayed. My daughter not so much. Her only danger, though, is that she is a girl. We treat girls so differently. You have to be thin, beautiful, smart, and accepting of anything a man throws your way regardless of who he is and what it is. Tough one on both ends for both of them.
My uncle died on Wednesday. Well, one of my uncles died on Wednesday. My other uncle died over a month ago. I had no idea until Wednesday that my other uncle had also died. We do not deal well with death in my family. The trend continues. The funeral Monday should be interesting for sure.
Why I am so stuck? It has to be me and nothing else. What do I need to do differently? I wish I knew and if I really know, then I wish I would just shut the hell up and do it.
I find myself trying to lean more on my husband now than is my normal inclination. It feels awkward. It is just something I am not used to and not completely comfortable with. I am reading Gone Girl. It makes me really think about the personalities we take on. My is "sturdy Tif." I am pretty much that person with everyone. I am supposed to be strong and sturdy and have no needs and have no wants or desires. I am supposed to be sit by and be happy with what I am given. I am not supposed to want anything. I am supposed to be content. How f-ing boring is that? I want to scream at those (everyone) who expects me to be that way and ask if they too would be satisfied living like that? At the end of the day, I am supposed to be dependable, adaptable and malleable based on anyone and everyone else's needs and I am supposed to smile and be extremely gracious when a morsel of something good comes my way. It pisses me off. I work too hard to find that acceptable. I see my daughter growing up and I hope for her, that she never feels those expectations from anyone. My son too for that wish. I worry more about him than I do her sometimes. He is so freaked out by confrontation and is easily swayed. My daughter not so much. Her only danger, though, is that she is a girl. We treat girls so differently. You have to be thin, beautiful, smart, and accepting of anything a man throws your way regardless of who he is and what it is. Tough one on both ends for both of them.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Getting back on track
Oh, I am exhausted today. It is the kind of exhaustion from having a newborn. I was up all night with my son and I am just not used to that lack of sleep these days. Funny how times change. I used to do ok. Not so much anymore. I did get to do a lot of thinking last night, though. A lot of thinking and a lot of fantasizing. I used to have this wonderful vivid imagination, but as the crazies left, I shut my imagination out too. It is time to pull some of that back in. Some imagination is ok as an adult. It is time I practiced some of that.
Ironically, I have been facing my former demons or at least watching someone else face them through one of my best friends. Her mother was diagnosed with psychotic depression. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies. That was over 20 years ago. A lot has changed in the mental illness world. Now it would have the diagnosis of psychotic depression. Seeing it through the eyes of someone else, someone more normal, only reminds me how crazy I really am and how different the rest of the world is from people like us. People hear "psychosis" and they get scared. Hell, I did when they told me about my tendencies. I read a lot of true crime so my next thought was, "Goodness, am I dangerous then? Will I hurt someone?" The answer is yes. My tendencies, however, center around me. I was a danger to myself, and I am still am but in different ways than I was back then. (Hey, if I can get through today without throwing up, that is a victory. One day at a time is a cliche, but it is true. Some days I even take a moment at a time!)
I watch my friend talk about her mother and how mental illness is treated and I see how easy it is for our families to believe that there should be a quick fix for the illness. Undoubtedly everyone in that situation would deny that is the case, but I have seen it myself from many angle, my own mother included. Mental illness builds over years. (With psychosis, however, it can come out in one large, uncomfortable burst.) It built over years. It takes time to detangle it and find the core (or cores) of the problem. It is hard to treat because those of us with this illness are secretive and scared of being "found out" so you never really get the truth. It is a hard disease to view from the outside, I am sure, so I do feel for those who love us. I really do.
I tell my hubby often that every day I tow that line of insanity. I am thankful to stay on the proper side most days. Sometimes, however, my obsessive-compulsiveness routes me dangerously close to the end of crossing over. I see that after it happens, and yes, it scares the crap out of me. These last few months have been hard at work and when the bulimia comes calling again, I know that I am slipping over. I always find that terrifying. I am hoping endlessly today to get back on track. I only have another 2 hours or so before I will be asleep and there is comfort in that for sure.
I am lucky. My husband has weathered my illness with me for years. He stayed with me when he probably should have left. He stayed when most men would have left. He is trying to accept that sometimes I have compulsions I cannot control which is not easy. He tries to understand when I am binging and purging which is what I truly need at the time. He never judges me then which is good because I judge myself enough for everyone.
Back on track? I am hoping. Just maybe.
Ironically, I have been facing my former demons or at least watching someone else face them through one of my best friends. Her mother was diagnosed with psychotic depression. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic tendencies. That was over 20 years ago. A lot has changed in the mental illness world. Now it would have the diagnosis of psychotic depression. Seeing it through the eyes of someone else, someone more normal, only reminds me how crazy I really am and how different the rest of the world is from people like us. People hear "psychosis" and they get scared. Hell, I did when they told me about my tendencies. I read a lot of true crime so my next thought was, "Goodness, am I dangerous then? Will I hurt someone?" The answer is yes. My tendencies, however, center around me. I was a danger to myself, and I am still am but in different ways than I was back then. (Hey, if I can get through today without throwing up, that is a victory. One day at a time is a cliche, but it is true. Some days I even take a moment at a time!)
I watch my friend talk about her mother and how mental illness is treated and I see how easy it is for our families to believe that there should be a quick fix for the illness. Undoubtedly everyone in that situation would deny that is the case, but I have seen it myself from many angle, my own mother included. Mental illness builds over years. (With psychosis, however, it can come out in one large, uncomfortable burst.) It built over years. It takes time to detangle it and find the core (or cores) of the problem. It is hard to treat because those of us with this illness are secretive and scared of being "found out" so you never really get the truth. It is a hard disease to view from the outside, I am sure, so I do feel for those who love us. I really do.
I tell my hubby often that every day I tow that line of insanity. I am thankful to stay on the proper side most days. Sometimes, however, my obsessive-compulsiveness routes me dangerously close to the end of crossing over. I see that after it happens, and yes, it scares the crap out of me. These last few months have been hard at work and when the bulimia comes calling again, I know that I am slipping over. I always find that terrifying. I am hoping endlessly today to get back on track. I only have another 2 hours or so before I will be asleep and there is comfort in that for sure.
I am lucky. My husband has weathered my illness with me for years. He stayed with me when he probably should have left. He stayed when most men would have left. He is trying to accept that sometimes I have compulsions I cannot control which is not easy. He tries to understand when I am binging and purging which is what I truly need at the time. He never judges me then which is good because I judge myself enough for everyone.
Back on track? I am hoping. Just maybe.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
My moment in time
So I had definitely built up this past weekend as a special weekend when maybe I would get the one moment I have spent the last 38 years looking for. Maybe not 38 years. Probably more like 31 or 32. Everyone wants that special moment in time when they feel amazing and on top of the world. I finally realized today what that moment is for me. It sounds horribly shallow, but growing up how I did, it is not surprising at all. I want that moment where I am beautiful and I know it. I really worked hard and spent more money than I have to make that happen. It still escaped me so I am starting to truly believe that I am the problem. My hubby wonders why I cannot feel attractive. How can I when the end result is the same and the one thing that is always the same is me. My mother was probably right. I am not attractive and no one will ever find me attractive. It is what it is, right.
It made me think about the moments when I do feel attractive. I feel thin and good and happy. I am going to put it all out here in a very shallow and superficial way. It is kind of scary because I know I will be judged by others as much as I judge myself for it. We are all constantly told to look past looks, but yet we are constantly inundated with beautiful pictures of beautiful people. Does not make a lot of sense to me, but I do not get to design the world...
In any event, I feel attractive when I am thinner. My weight fluctuates between 139-142 pounds. I felt great a year ago at 132. I felt thin and wonderful and so close to the 130 pounds I desire. There have been days this year when I felt good too and those were days that I felt in control of my eating in ways that I know helped me get to my weight goals. I controlled the food. Not the other way around which is how so many of my days go. I hate the out of control eating because it keeps me from my goal of feeling beautiful and amazing. It is all self sabotage. I hate myself for that.
I also feel attractive when I am dressed in tight fitting clothes. I feel sexy and that makes me feel better. I am a mom of two young children. My days of wearing those clothes are dwindling. What then? I rarely get dressed up and despite wearing one of the prettiest dresses I have worn in a long time this past weekend, I felt dowdy and awkward. No one other than family really wanted to talk to me. Maybe I come off as aloof because I tend to be shy and that is why. I do not know.
I keep thinking and wondering what else I can do. I wore a beautiful dress and had my hair done (which I did not like by the way. It was not what I asked for and as I walked out of the hair salon 50 minutes before the wedding, I had no time to ask them to fix it.) Maybe that was part of it too. I put my make up on in the car. I had to get dressed in 2 minutes to run back out the door to go to the wedding and the stress certainly weighed on me. I thought having my hair done would be wonderful. I thought I would love it. I did not since it was not what I asked for and let's face it, my make up was thrown on in the car. I take more time for my make-up before I go to work!
I am certain that there is not an answer here. This is more just venting and trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or maybe just accepting the truth about me. I don't know. I guess ultimately, I am just tired of wondering and worrying about it.
It made me think about the moments when I do feel attractive. I feel thin and good and happy. I am going to put it all out here in a very shallow and superficial way. It is kind of scary because I know I will be judged by others as much as I judge myself for it. We are all constantly told to look past looks, but yet we are constantly inundated with beautiful pictures of beautiful people. Does not make a lot of sense to me, but I do not get to design the world...
In any event, I feel attractive when I am thinner. My weight fluctuates between 139-142 pounds. I felt great a year ago at 132. I felt thin and wonderful and so close to the 130 pounds I desire. There have been days this year when I felt good too and those were days that I felt in control of my eating in ways that I know helped me get to my weight goals. I controlled the food. Not the other way around which is how so many of my days go. I hate the out of control eating because it keeps me from my goal of feeling beautiful and amazing. It is all self sabotage. I hate myself for that.
I also feel attractive when I am dressed in tight fitting clothes. I feel sexy and that makes me feel better. I am a mom of two young children. My days of wearing those clothes are dwindling. What then? I rarely get dressed up and despite wearing one of the prettiest dresses I have worn in a long time this past weekend, I felt dowdy and awkward. No one other than family really wanted to talk to me. Maybe I come off as aloof because I tend to be shy and that is why. I do not know.
I keep thinking and wondering what else I can do. I wore a beautiful dress and had my hair done (which I did not like by the way. It was not what I asked for and as I walked out of the hair salon 50 minutes before the wedding, I had no time to ask them to fix it.) Maybe that was part of it too. I put my make up on in the car. I had to get dressed in 2 minutes to run back out the door to go to the wedding and the stress certainly weighed on me. I thought having my hair done would be wonderful. I thought I would love it. I did not since it was not what I asked for and let's face it, my make up was thrown on in the car. I take more time for my make-up before I go to work!
I am certain that there is not an answer here. This is more just venting and trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or maybe just accepting the truth about me. I don't know. I guess ultimately, I am just tired of wondering and worrying about it.
Monday, September 22, 2014
How do you handle a dress and a broken heart?
How do you handle something when your heart is a little broken? Hear me out on this...
I have a dress that I was dying to wear to an event in two weeks. I mean dying to wear. I felt beautiful and wonderful in it. From the moment I saw it on-line I knew that I wanted to wear it. I found it at a local boutique. I even made a trip out there with my BFF to get it which is something I have never done before and is out of my comfort zone. I even went downtown. That NEVER happens. Let's go back 16 years when I was 22 and wedding dress shopping for my wedding gown. I ended up in tears because my mother made a big deal to the sales lady about how fat I was and I would lose weight before the wedding so I should get the dress a size smaller. It was an awful scene. I should have walked out of the dressing room and never gone shopping with her again. I have never felt thin, but I felt ugly and fat every day since that day. Not the mention the fact that a woman dreams about her wedding day from the day she learns about weddings as a child. Every woman views it as her day to be beautiful and admired. I felt frumpy, ugly, fat and unlovable. I felt big and lumbering. Brides are supposed to glide. I feel like I was so big I was stomping down to stand next to my hubby.
Back to present day...as it turns out, due to the need to be practical so I can endure the situation at this event, I will not be able to wear this dress for the event in which I bought it. My hubby and I never have the need to get dressed up so this dress is pretty much a waste of money now. It is not the money, though, that is killing me now. I am honestly broken hearted over not being able to wear it. There is about 0% chance that I will ever have an event where I will be able to wear it so what do I do? Do I keep it? Do I sell it? Having it in the house hurts because it is constant reminder of how excited I was to wear it. (That is the same reason I threw out my wedding dress. It hurt too much to see it and I am size 8 in formal wear now so putting it on was a joke!) Then again, I love the dress so much that I hate to get rid of it. Reason would say to keep it because maybe my daughter might wear it some day, but I cannot explain how I feel about that except to say that it was my dress and I could not accept her wearing it when I never got to as much as I love her.
I know it sounds so stupid to feel this way over a dress. I really do. I guess I just never had that moment where I really felt beautiful when I was dressed up in this fancy dress. I never plan to get married again so this was it for me. By the time it is time for that again, I will be in the mother-of-the-bride dress and this type of thing will be completely inappropriate. I would never do that to my son or daughter.
It is the dress and the plans I had too. I was going to get my hair done while they did my daughters. I even thought about getting my make-up done too with false eyelashes just for fun. Not now.
What do I do? Do I keep it even though it is a constant source of pain or do I get rid of it which will hurt me too? I am so confused.
I have a dress that I was dying to wear to an event in two weeks. I mean dying to wear. I felt beautiful and wonderful in it. From the moment I saw it on-line I knew that I wanted to wear it. I found it at a local boutique. I even made a trip out there with my BFF to get it which is something I have never done before and is out of my comfort zone. I even went downtown. That NEVER happens. Let's go back 16 years when I was 22 and wedding dress shopping for my wedding gown. I ended up in tears because my mother made a big deal to the sales lady about how fat I was and I would lose weight before the wedding so I should get the dress a size smaller. It was an awful scene. I should have walked out of the dressing room and never gone shopping with her again. I have never felt thin, but I felt ugly and fat every day since that day. Not the mention the fact that a woman dreams about her wedding day from the day she learns about weddings as a child. Every woman views it as her day to be beautiful and admired. I felt frumpy, ugly, fat and unlovable. I felt big and lumbering. Brides are supposed to glide. I feel like I was so big I was stomping down to stand next to my hubby.
Back to present day...as it turns out, due to the need to be practical so I can endure the situation at this event, I will not be able to wear this dress for the event in which I bought it. My hubby and I never have the need to get dressed up so this dress is pretty much a waste of money now. It is not the money, though, that is killing me now. I am honestly broken hearted over not being able to wear it. There is about 0% chance that I will ever have an event where I will be able to wear it so what do I do? Do I keep it? Do I sell it? Having it in the house hurts because it is constant reminder of how excited I was to wear it. (That is the same reason I threw out my wedding dress. It hurt too much to see it and I am size 8 in formal wear now so putting it on was a joke!) Then again, I love the dress so much that I hate to get rid of it. Reason would say to keep it because maybe my daughter might wear it some day, but I cannot explain how I feel about that except to say that it was my dress and I could not accept her wearing it when I never got to as much as I love her.
I know it sounds so stupid to feel this way over a dress. I really do. I guess I just never had that moment where I really felt beautiful when I was dressed up in this fancy dress. I never plan to get married again so this was it for me. By the time it is time for that again, I will be in the mother-of-the-bride dress and this type of thing will be completely inappropriate. I would never do that to my son or daughter.
It is the dress and the plans I had too. I was going to get my hair done while they did my daughters. I even thought about getting my make-up done too with false eyelashes just for fun. Not now.
What do I do? Do I keep it even though it is a constant source of pain or do I get rid of it which will hurt me too? I am so confused.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Have to thank my hubby and update on peanut butter...
Still no period. I am on day 46 of this cycle. The good news is that I have had no bleeding in almost 4 weeks. The bad news is that I am fearful of the period I will get once it comes, but I am without bleeding now so I am not complaining. I got off the wagon for a while and had a semi-normal diet. I gave up peanut butter for a week and it sent me into a spiral of crappy food. Come Friday am, of course, I was in pain in my stomach. Tough lesson, but a good reminder as I went to stuff a blondie in my mouth this am. I walked a good 8 miles yesterday and will walk another 7 today. Tomorrow is a 10 mile run and a 3 mile walk. I just have to remember to take it one mile at a time and picture Fister running with me. That does help! After all, he is known to run 10 miles per day so tomorrow I can imagine he is running with me.
I have thanked a few different people this summer and a whole little league team, but I have not thanked the one person who probably deserves it more than anyone else, my husband. Goodness know that I am not the easiest person to live with. It is more than that. This summer was a difficult and wonderful summer. This summer I toed the line of craziness and depression as my running motivation waned. I had such anxiety running after the half marathon in May and that depressed me. My hubby had to deal with that. Then he had to deal with the on/off and ongoing bleeding that raged all spring and summer. With the bleeding came hormonal ups and downs that were tough for me to weather. My hubby also financed our crazy summer of baseball game after baseball game and trip after trip. It was a wonderful and amazing summer of fun at the beach and the lovely city of Philadelphia that I love! We made it to two Nationals' games also. We had trips to Williamsburg too. It was a lovely and incredibly fun summer. I have him to thank for that. The other thing that I really want to thank him for is for loving me in a way that has allowed me grow and figure out what was squashed inside of me so long ago. I have found that person who I held inside for so long. I had not seen her in so long that I forgot she existed, but she does. With that realization, I get to merge the two things I love about myself, the person who understands responsibility and never shies away from it and the person who just wants to have fun and enjoy living. I forgot how fun just living can be. I tried to kill myself when I was 23. That is one of my dirty little secrets. Yes, I had the full intent to die. That is something I can never imagine now. There is so much left for me to do and enjoy. Life itself is fun and I do not want to miss a thing. So thank you, Hubby, for bringing that back to me. I would not be here without you.
I have thanked a few different people this summer and a whole little league team, but I have not thanked the one person who probably deserves it more than anyone else, my husband. Goodness know that I am not the easiest person to live with. It is more than that. This summer was a difficult and wonderful summer. This summer I toed the line of craziness and depression as my running motivation waned. I had such anxiety running after the half marathon in May and that depressed me. My hubby had to deal with that. Then he had to deal with the on/off and ongoing bleeding that raged all spring and summer. With the bleeding came hormonal ups and downs that were tough for me to weather. My hubby also financed our crazy summer of baseball game after baseball game and trip after trip. It was a wonderful and amazing summer of fun at the beach and the lovely city of Philadelphia that I love! We made it to two Nationals' games also. We had trips to Williamsburg too. It was a lovely and incredibly fun summer. I have him to thank for that. The other thing that I really want to thank him for is for loving me in a way that has allowed me grow and figure out what was squashed inside of me so long ago. I have found that person who I held inside for so long. I had not seen her in so long that I forgot she existed, but she does. With that realization, I get to merge the two things I love about myself, the person who understands responsibility and never shies away from it and the person who just wants to have fun and enjoy living. I forgot how fun just living can be. I tried to kill myself when I was 23. That is one of my dirty little secrets. Yes, I had the full intent to die. That is something I can never imagine now. There is so much left for me to do and enjoy. Life itself is fun and I do not want to miss a thing. So thank you, Hubby, for bringing that back to me. I would not be here without you.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Feeling out of control
My eating has definitely been binge worthy lately. The only good thing is that I have not been purging. At this rate, the dress I got yesterday for my brother-in-law's wedding will never fit. I just cannot seem to stop. Part of it is that there is food everywhere. I need to stop and just cannot compel myself to do so. I hate the way that it makes me feel. That is the worst part of it.
I am terrified of getting fat and that is where those feelings lead me.
I am terrified of getting fat and that is where those feelings lead me.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Sugar and Spice and well, things not so nice
I am progesterone challenged. Estrogen, however, flows through me like the blood in my veins. There is a lot of research on food and estrogen so I took the anti-estrogenic challenge and sure enough, well, maybe my estrogen is no lower, but I know that my progesterone is higher. I have longer cycles and less bleeding in between those cycles. Those changes are of huge importance to me, but the other changes are of a high magnitude too. First, I rarely had zits growing up. During the periods of high estrogen when it was spinning out of control, I pretty much had a recurring zit all of the time. Every 3 weeks like clockwork, it would show up. Now, it is gone! My skin looks better than it did when I was 18 and it looked pretty good then. I have fewer wrinkles in general. My skin has that glow back. I retain water a whole lot less. I just feel better. I feel more stable emotionally speaking. The docs say that progesterone is the happy hormone. I needed it desperately. I truly believe, however, that is not just the hormones. I really believe that these sugars we just accept as additives to our foods were part of the problem for me. I am very careful now about added sugar. Yes, I still eat fruit and know full well how much sugar is in each bite, but I am speaking specifically about the added sugars. Almost everything including ketchup has sugar added in some form. I know most peanut butters do too, but I have been on no sugar peanut butter for years now. The sugary stuff is just too sweet now that I am used to just peanuts and a little salt. All of that sugar was messing with me. I occasionally have days where I have to revert back to sugary foods and the carb, flour laden food most of us eat (yes, I have given those up too for the most part) just from all of the traveling we have done this summer. When I do have to eat a "normal" diet, I feel bad again and have hormonal ups and downs, and my stomach hurts for days. Why the hell would I want to do that to myself when the simple answer is cut the added sugar and added grains. Let me be clear, I am not all Paleo. For me, those folks have it wrong too. I eat one slice of bread a day (100% whole grain with no sugar added) and then I eat meat, veggies, fruit and legumes. (The Paleo folks frown upon the legumes and slice of bread for sure!) Maybe I justify the legumes and bread slice because of the running, but I do know with the distance running, I need the carbs. It all works for me, and I like it. I feel amazing, and let's be real. That is a feeling I want for as many moments as I can get them for the rest of my life. So for any hormonally challenged women out there, seriously, rethink the added sugar foods and the flour added carbs. Yes, it is hard. I see my kids eating Goldfish and I desperately want one, but not bleeding all month like I was before and feeling great and looking great are all worth it most moments of temptations. Not all...I am not perfect, but I am doing pretty well! Last month's cycle was 23 days and I bled for 20 of them. This month, I am now on day 39 with no bleeding in 3 weeks. Yes, I know a 39 day cycle is not normal, but after bleeding so much over the last 2.5 years, it is a nice break that I welcome!
Not sure if it is the hormonal help or not, but I seem to have missed my normal end of summer depression this year. I know it is only August 30, but normally it has kicked in by now. Maybe we have been too busy and that is why or maybe the hormones helped or maybe I just have so many things to look forward to this fall and winter that I am ok with end of summer. We have definitely stayed busy, and I have baseball back. I will be sad when the season ends, but it really is such a short period of time from the end of the World Series until spring training starts and we have a lot going on in between so maybe it will not be so bad once the last game of the year closes.
I feel like I am finally coming into who I am supposed to be and find the things I am supposed to do. I just hate that it took me 38 years to get here. I know most adults do not find themselves until they are 30-something, but I feel like it has taken me so much longer than most. If I looked like this at 20 with the body I have now, I would have been dangerous. So much time wasted, but I am working on not wasting another second now. Life is too short to lament over lost time. I just want to live life now. Thankfully, I have a wonderful, brilliant and fantastic hubby to support me in that. I support him too in that way. For him, the sky is the limit. I just wish that he believed that all of the time too.
I wanted to thank a 20 something yesterday who made me feel like I was 20 and the only thing that mattered at that moment. For mothers my age, those moments are rare. It was nice to be noticed. I also want to thank a very kind, former professional baseball player who paid me a very nice compliment last night. I left last night's game feeling good and happy and very much in love with my husband. Hubby, I promise that we will figure it all out, how to break this vicious cycle. I think we have made a lot of progress as it is.
Hoping for post season tickets once the MLB season ends. My fingers are crossed! Go Nats!
Not sure if it is the hormonal help or not, but I seem to have missed my normal end of summer depression this year. I know it is only August 30, but normally it has kicked in by now. Maybe we have been too busy and that is why or maybe the hormones helped or maybe I just have so many things to look forward to this fall and winter that I am ok with end of summer. We have definitely stayed busy, and I have baseball back. I will be sad when the season ends, but it really is such a short period of time from the end of the World Series until spring training starts and we have a lot going on in between so maybe it will not be so bad once the last game of the year closes.
I feel like I am finally coming into who I am supposed to be and find the things I am supposed to do. I just hate that it took me 38 years to get here. I know most adults do not find themselves until they are 30-something, but I feel like it has taken me so much longer than most. If I looked like this at 20 with the body I have now, I would have been dangerous. So much time wasted, but I am working on not wasting another second now. Life is too short to lament over lost time. I just want to live life now. Thankfully, I have a wonderful, brilliant and fantastic hubby to support me in that. I support him too in that way. For him, the sky is the limit. I just wish that he believed that all of the time too.
I wanted to thank a 20 something yesterday who made me feel like I was 20 and the only thing that mattered at that moment. For mothers my age, those moments are rare. It was nice to be noticed. I also want to thank a very kind, former professional baseball player who paid me a very nice compliment last night. I left last night's game feeling good and happy and very much in love with my husband. Hubby, I promise that we will figure it all out, how to break this vicious cycle. I think we have made a lot of progress as it is.
Hoping for post season tickets once the MLB season ends. My fingers are crossed! Go Nats!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Things have life..a piece of the puzzle
I have spend the last 20 years trying to put the pieces of my childhood together in some way so that it all makes sense. I have circled around another piece of the puzzle for the last few months. My mother always said, "Things have life." She said this many times, but I remember it most in reference to a coin that came from her father who died when she was in her early twenties. My mother is hoarder of sorts. She just manages it better than most people with that illness. She gives much of it away, but she keeps adding to her pile. As I have mentioned before, she refers to me as a minimalist and not as a term of endearment. So do things have life. I do not believe so. Things have memories and are reminders, but they do not have life. People do. My mother never took vacations. She blamed it on my dad, but she was the real reason. She never did much other than work and do yard work and clean and shop. She was the reason for that too. I live my life. Maybe I do not live it to the fullest that I could, but I am working on that. The reason I dislike being around her so much is because she sucks the life out of everything. Her view of what has life is skewed. Things do not live. They only "live" through the memories and reminders we give them and frankly, some memories are not good and do not need to be remembered. It is no wonder that my mother dressed me up like a doll until I was 10. She wanted me to be a thing, something to manage, but she did not want me to live a life. The honest truth is that I can never forgive her for that. She took so much from me in doing that. So much. Yes, it all turned out just fine for me. I have a great life, but I would have had a much more fulfilling life as a young adult when I was unattached to children and work. I have a woman with whom I work who is from Japan and I admire her so much. She left everything in Japan and came here at the age of 20 and made a life for herself here. How brave! I often wonder what her parents did to make her so brave and so not afraid to really live life at that age. That is something back then that I would never have had the courage to do.
So what do I do now with this next piece of the puzzle and how many more pieces are left? I would like to say that this piece will help me let go of more of my fear of living life. I honestly hope that is the case. I want to accomplish more and really become the person I dream of being. I want to do more and worry less.
How many more pieces are left, indeed!
So what do I do now with this next piece of the puzzle and how many more pieces are left? I would like to say that this piece will help me let go of more of my fear of living life. I honestly hope that is the case. I want to accomplish more and really become the person I dream of being. I want to do more and worry less.
How many more pieces are left, indeed!
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Life and other items
After about 10 minutes of trying unsuccessfully to get into my Ulta account, I gave up and moved over here. Serious bummer. I really need some product and have no time to shop at work. Oh well! Maybe tomorrow!
Life has been pretty crazy. We have been gone a lot. School starts next week so life speeds up and also slows down at the same time. I have been thinking a lot of about those who suck the joy out of everything. I think we all know people like that and have people like that in our lives. I have cut some of those people out. Funny how that works. I have tried really hard to have a relationship with my sister and my parents. I have. It may not be on their terms, but their terms are not acceptable to me. It means that they run my life and decide everything that I do. That is not ok to me. I love my mother and my sister, but I have to live my life and be the person I want to be. Would I like them in my life? Of course, but they cannot accept me for who I am. They want me to be someone that I am not. I just cannot do that anymore. I feel a lot of pressure from a lot of areas in my life for me to be someone that I am not. I just cannot keep up that charade anymore. It hurts. It hurts a lot to be rejected by my family and yes, it is a rejection. I have tried to meet them somewhere on their side, but too far over and it means giving up part of me, and I am just not willing to do that anymore.
On another topic, I am not sure that I am made for trusting other people. It just seems to be something not inherent in my make up. Sure, I always hope for the best, but trusting is not something I do easily. I realized the other night that I tend to give too much of myself to others but that is the one piece I always hold back, and lord help you if you screw me at some point. Then trust is pretty much gone, and I am just not sure if it can ever be recaptured. How do you move forward after a betrayal? That is what I am left wondering. How do I deal with the pain and wonder? Do I accept the hand dealt to me? I am tired of just accepting things. I deserve better. I just never thought so until these last few years. I know myself more now so I know that I have worth and value to me. Maybe not to anyone else, but for me, I do.
Life has been pretty crazy. We have been gone a lot. School starts next week so life speeds up and also slows down at the same time. I have been thinking a lot of about those who suck the joy out of everything. I think we all know people like that and have people like that in our lives. I have cut some of those people out. Funny how that works. I have tried really hard to have a relationship with my sister and my parents. I have. It may not be on their terms, but their terms are not acceptable to me. It means that they run my life and decide everything that I do. That is not ok to me. I love my mother and my sister, but I have to live my life and be the person I want to be. Would I like them in my life? Of course, but they cannot accept me for who I am. They want me to be someone that I am not. I just cannot do that anymore. I feel a lot of pressure from a lot of areas in my life for me to be someone that I am not. I just cannot keep up that charade anymore. It hurts. It hurts a lot to be rejected by my family and yes, it is a rejection. I have tried to meet them somewhere on their side, but too far over and it means giving up part of me, and I am just not willing to do that anymore.
On another topic, I am not sure that I am made for trusting other people. It just seems to be something not inherent in my make up. Sure, I always hope for the best, but trusting is not something I do easily. I realized the other night that I tend to give too much of myself to others but that is the one piece I always hold back, and lord help you if you screw me at some point. Then trust is pretty much gone, and I am just not sure if it can ever be recaptured. How do you move forward after a betrayal? That is what I am left wondering. How do I deal with the pain and wonder? Do I accept the hand dealt to me? I am tired of just accepting things. I deserve better. I just never thought so until these last few years. I know myself more now so I know that I have worth and value to me. Maybe not to anyone else, but for me, I do.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Back from vacation
And a little depressed as always. It just seems to always go by so quickly. I remember thinking as we were driving out to our destination that it will be over before we know it. So true. I had a ton of fun as always. My family is pretty fun. I was sick for most of the vacation. My body rejected the processed food that is pretty much your only choice at restaurants. It was not good, but I got through it. I think that the kids had fun. It makes me pine away for some of our later vacations. I love vacation but I hate it too because it gets me out of my routine. I need routine to be able to really run and get through workouts on the mental level. Those workouts have suffered, of course. I am hoping to get back this week. It will feel good. I want to work on speed since the dream of the marathon is gone this year. I just do not have the strength or desire to put that much energy into it this year. It takes so much and I just do not have the mental fortitude to get through it. I am hoping that a focus on speed will be enough to keep me feeling satisfied. I have to fine some good butt routines to help my saggy tush. It is not pretty. I am trying to stay away from additional exercises, but I am not sure that is a realistic goal. Time is such a factor for me. I just do not have that much more additional time. Being a working mom, it is just tough to work it all in. I could really use another 2 hours in the day...
Dealing with the vacation hangover today...trying to get the kids school supplies today. Back to real life really quickly.
I have set a personal goal for myself. One that I will talk about more if I get through it in the next few weeks. It is BIG! I am hoping I can do it for at least a week. It is tough so it will be rough.
Dealing with the vacation hangover today...trying to get the kids school supplies today. Back to real life really quickly.
I have set a personal goal for myself. One that I will talk about more if I get through it in the next few weeks. It is BIG! I am hoping I can do it for at least a week. It is tough so it will be rough.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Question of the day...easy for me to answer...sort of...
I had a professional colleague today tell me that I am one the nicest and smartest people he has worked with. It meant a lot coming from him especially, but the question he asked after threw me for a moment. He asked if I could change one thing, anything, what would it be? In reference to myself, I would immediately say, "To stop picking myself apart all of the time." Then I got to thinking about that, though. Isn't the fact that I pick myself apart all of the time, well, isn't that part of what drives me to be nice and smart and better every day? I take a lot of pride in the fact that most days, I try to live the best life I can. (Most days, that is!! I cannot stress that enough.) I try to eat well, smile a lot, and be kind to everyone because everyone deserves kindness. The fact that I am so critical of myself, isn't that what drives me to know how to be better the next day? I understand the criticism part, and yes, I agree that I need to let some of that go, but some of it, a lot of it, I need to embrace because it does drive me to do better tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
Back on track with eating. I am hopefully slimming down again from the weight I magically gained overnight. I must end up with a lot of inflammation from either sugar or processed carbs. One of those items, clearly does my body in. I went to the gym to lift weight again today. It felt great! Well, my arms are like jelly again, but I like it. I am very self conscious while I am there so I try to move and finish as quickly as I can. The weight area is definitely a man's land. I have been thinking more and more about fitness competitions. Am I insane to even consider it? I have skin that hangs from the weight loss over a decade ago. That will not help me at all. I do not know. I think it sounds crazy, but it is something I am really considering.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish before the end of the year. A few things on the list are 1. do the pole exercise class 2. get down in weight to 125 3. move to 25 pounds in barbell weights. (I am at 15 now.) 4. learn to hula hoop (I am well on my way there. I have been practicing.)
I know one thing I really want to accomplish in 2015. I want to win my age division in the Henrico 5k. I ran it in 2011 and 2013 and came in 3rd both years. I want to win it in 2015. It is going to require a lot of speed work over the winter, but I feel like maybe I can do it. I just want to do it all, but I only have so many hours in the day. I could really use a few more. Is there any way to elongate the days?
Back on track with eating. I am hopefully slimming down again from the weight I magically gained overnight. I must end up with a lot of inflammation from either sugar or processed carbs. One of those items, clearly does my body in. I went to the gym to lift weight again today. It felt great! Well, my arms are like jelly again, but I like it. I am very self conscious while I am there so I try to move and finish as quickly as I can. The weight area is definitely a man's land. I have been thinking more and more about fitness competitions. Am I insane to even consider it? I have skin that hangs from the weight loss over a decade ago. That will not help me at all. I do not know. I think it sounds crazy, but it is something I am really considering.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want to accomplish before the end of the year. A few things on the list are 1. do the pole exercise class 2. get down in weight to 125 3. move to 25 pounds in barbell weights. (I am at 15 now.) 4. learn to hula hoop (I am well on my way there. I have been practicing.)
I know one thing I really want to accomplish in 2015. I want to win my age division in the Henrico 5k. I ran it in 2011 and 2013 and came in 3rd both years. I want to win it in 2015. It is going to require a lot of speed work over the winter, but I feel like maybe I can do it. I just want to do it all, but I only have so many hours in the day. I could really use a few more. Is there any way to elongate the days?
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Estrogen depression?
I kind of wonder now. I feel like a different person. Maybe it is because a lot of extraneous pieces of my life are coming together. (Ok, pieces that seemed extraneous.) I do not know. Part of me thinks that the estrogen dominance was causing some problems. The running was phenomenal today, well, for me anyways. I did 8 with no problem and my last three miles got faster and faster. My last mile was a 9:17 pace. I feel great. The hubby and I are being really spontaneous these days in our general lives. Maybe that is part of too. We are no longer just sitting at home doing nothing. We went to Nationals' game yesterday. It was amazing and everything I thought it would be. Keep in mind that this was after our trip to Philly last week. We are just baseball crazy here!
I started lifting weights and I love it! It is not all that surprising. I am not one who has ever shied away from a challenge. I feel powerful when I do it which I like. I am not sure that I am seeing any physical differences, but I am happy with it. I hope to have the time to keep it up. I want people to view me as powerful. My whole life I spent my days I wanting to be viewed as though I needed protection because I am a woman. Do we not tell our children that girls are weak and need protection. My sister was weak due to cancer and she got all of the attention from everyone growing up so naturally the message I was given was to be weak and need help all of the time. Models even send us the same message each day by being underweight and emaciated. I do not want to look like that. I want to look and be strong. I saw a picture of myself from last summer. I an in a two piece and while it is evident that I have had children, my body looks great. I want that back and I want to look even better. It should not be too hard. Only a tad bit has been lost in the last 10 months. So for now weights are my friend. I am certainly enjoying them. I just hope that I can find the time to keep with them. So maybe a dream one day is to do a fitness contest. Why not? I am not sure that I have the courage to do it, but it is nice to dream. I dreamed for years about losing weight and then I did it so maybe...
I sit here watching a baseball game. How much I missed it.
I want to thank my BFF for being patient and supportive during this last month when the running suffered. She was ultra patient and never complained about walking. Her support made all of the difference. I was struggling both physically and emotionally. It rocked my identity as a runner and so much of my personal identity is about running. I could no longer see who I am. I am back and better than I was before. One of Runner's World quotes the other day was "Remember why you run not just today, but every day." I think about that a lot. I initially started running because I needed to lose some extra weight and it gives you a lot of bang for your buck! Then I kept running because I liked what it did for my body and because I was always one of the least athletic girls in school. I never ran the mile or anything like that. Then I fell in love with it and a specific race in this wonderful little town that calls itself the center of the universe. (I run it every year and will until I die.) Then I met my BFF and with that, running became a large part of my identity. Now it is a large part of who I am. That is why it is the year to run the marathon. I have been injured and I have now had performance anxiety in the running. I have overcome both. I am a runner and knowing that makes me happy and at peace. The biggest challenge is to stay in a place where I love the running. That is hard when you are running 15+ miles on a run, but I plan to be smarter this year. I loved running today! I loved every moment of it and the first hour flew on by!
I started lifting weights and I love it! It is not all that surprising. I am not one who has ever shied away from a challenge. I feel powerful when I do it which I like. I am not sure that I am seeing any physical differences, but I am happy with it. I hope to have the time to keep it up. I want people to view me as powerful. My whole life I spent my days I wanting to be viewed as though I needed protection because I am a woman. Do we not tell our children that girls are weak and need protection. My sister was weak due to cancer and she got all of the attention from everyone growing up so naturally the message I was given was to be weak and need help all of the time. Models even send us the same message each day by being underweight and emaciated. I do not want to look like that. I want to look and be strong. I saw a picture of myself from last summer. I an in a two piece and while it is evident that I have had children, my body looks great. I want that back and I want to look even better. It should not be too hard. Only a tad bit has been lost in the last 10 months. So for now weights are my friend. I am certainly enjoying them. I just hope that I can find the time to keep with them. So maybe a dream one day is to do a fitness contest. Why not? I am not sure that I have the courage to do it, but it is nice to dream. I dreamed for years about losing weight and then I did it so maybe...
I sit here watching a baseball game. How much I missed it.
I want to thank my BFF for being patient and supportive during this last month when the running suffered. She was ultra patient and never complained about walking. Her support made all of the difference. I was struggling both physically and emotionally. It rocked my identity as a runner and so much of my personal identity is about running. I could no longer see who I am. I am back and better than I was before. One of Runner's World quotes the other day was "Remember why you run not just today, but every day." I think about that a lot. I initially started running because I needed to lose some extra weight and it gives you a lot of bang for your buck! Then I kept running because I liked what it did for my body and because I was always one of the least athletic girls in school. I never ran the mile or anything like that. Then I fell in love with it and a specific race in this wonderful little town that calls itself the center of the universe. (I run it every year and will until I die.) Then I met my BFF and with that, running became a large part of my identity. Now it is a large part of who I am. That is why it is the year to run the marathon. I have been injured and I have now had performance anxiety in the running. I have overcome both. I am a runner and knowing that makes me happy and at peace. The biggest challenge is to stay in a place where I love the running. That is hard when you are running 15+ miles on a run, but I plan to be smarter this year. I loved running today! I loved every moment of it and the first hour flew on by!
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Perhaps cured of high estrogen?
Do I dare so that or does saying it mean that my estrogen will go roaring to new heights? I do not know, but what I do know is that for the first time in years, I had a normal start to my period. One day I did not have my period and the next day I did. There was no build up, no days of bleeding leading up to it, and no horrible PMS (ok I did have one day of being in a bad mood) beforehand. I gave up sugar. Yes, I did. I gave up added sugar and processed carbs. The only carbs I eat now are fruits and vegetables and beans and I do eat 1 slice of whole wheat bread a day, but it is just one slice. That is it. (Bok choy has become a very good friend of mine. I eat my weight in it each week.) For whatever reason, it has made all of the difference in the world. Studies are true. Sugar and carbs do bad things for some people. I will be honest. I would love a loaf of french bread. I would love a piece of pizza, but the benefit of not bleeding all month, is worth the price I pay to give those things up. I feel better not worrying about bleeding all of the time. Might the random bleeding come back, perhaps, but this cycle was a good one so I am hopeful.
I also came to another realization this month. I will never be petite. I have said that before, but I truly accept it now. Lucy equated being petite with being beautiful. I have rejected that. Thank you to the wonderful women at Oxygen magazine, I now see that I can be beautiful in a strong way. I can work with my body. My body is stronger than most women. I think I can build muscle better and faster and larger than most women. I am broad to begin with just by nature. Why not work with that? I started lifting weights this week. It is something I hope I can maintain. I am not worried about not keeping it up for the lack of desire but more for the lack of time. I want to be strong and beautiful and I now know that I can be both. Hopefully I will start to see some positive changes in the next few weeks. The magazine said to skip the "women's weights" and go big so I have. Go big or go home so they say. I definitely adopt that in many aspects of my life so why not with this too.
My tests for the running all came back clear and today's run was fantastic in a fun and challenging way. As I told my BFF last Friday after we ran 7, "I am back!" I will try to remember the awful feeling of being anxious about running and try to remember why I run today and even more so why I run every day. I want to be strong and powerful. I can do so and still be sexy and feminine.
Now I am off to eat more fruit...
I also came to another realization this month. I will never be petite. I have said that before, but I truly accept it now. Lucy equated being petite with being beautiful. I have rejected that. Thank you to the wonderful women at Oxygen magazine, I now see that I can be beautiful in a strong way. I can work with my body. My body is stronger than most women. I think I can build muscle better and faster and larger than most women. I am broad to begin with just by nature. Why not work with that? I started lifting weights this week. It is something I hope I can maintain. I am not worried about not keeping it up for the lack of desire but more for the lack of time. I want to be strong and beautiful and I now know that I can be both. Hopefully I will start to see some positive changes in the next few weeks. The magazine said to skip the "women's weights" and go big so I have. Go big or go home so they say. I definitely adopt that in many aspects of my life so why not with this too.
My tests for the running all came back clear and today's run was fantastic in a fun and challenging way. As I told my BFF last Friday after we ran 7, "I am back!" I will try to remember the awful feeling of being anxious about running and try to remember why I run today and even more so why I run every day. I want to be strong and powerful. I can do so and still be sexy and feminine.
Now I am off to eat more fruit...
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
The funny thing about a one third life crisis
is that it goes on and on and on. Maybe more these days I am looking for a better version of myself. Whatever it may be, life is definitely changing. I finally admitted the truth to myself and to my hubby. It was by far one of the most liberating things I have ever done. It will sound silly to type it here, but it was something I would not have articulated before even if I knew it and scared the crap out of me. I love my husband. (It is not that.) The love I have for him is so strong that I would rather spend every day with him unhappy than to be without him because being without him is misery to me. It just would not be worth it. It is hard truth because it gives him power and forces me to rely on someone else for love and attention. It was so liberating to admit it to myself and to him. It was like a huge weight was lifted and with it, I could support him and not be afraid that supporting him meant that I was weak and gave him power over me. The truth is that he does have power over me just by the sheer fact that I love him. That is part of loving someone. You give up some power and become vulnerable to being hurt. I may get hurt by him at some point in the future (there is almost a 100% certainty that I will,) but I would rather hurt from loving him than from hiding the fact that I love him so much. These may seem simple, but these are all relatively new things to me. Again, quite liberating.
Another big change has happened. I have pretty gone on an anti estrogenic diet. It is Paleo with some legumes but no cashews or peanuts. I have up dairy ages ago so none for me there. I have lost 5 pounds already and feel a whole lot better. The running has suffered but I read that it takes 3-4 weeks for your body to adjust and I am still in that time frame and each week is getting better with the running. I started to have performance anxiety during runs and that started my issues. It gets better week to week. Tomorrow is a run day so I am hoping that trend continues. I have started some light cross fit too which I LOVE! It is a lot of fun. I have some new exercises that I have added into my daily routine that really work the legs. Anything to help the running. Physically I feel better than I have felt in 10 months. My rings fit again as I am no longer retaining water by the end of the day and I no longer obsess about food. That has been the biggest gift of this "diet!" It is true. Eating carbs and sugar makes you crave carbs and sugar. I no longer think about what I am going to eat and when I will allow myself to eat it. I have been a food addict for over 30 years and finally I feel a little less tied down by my compulsion to eat. THAT IS HUGE! I feel good and I feel like I look better. We will see where this takes me but it seems to have a positive effect on my hormonal issues too. I am still so early in as I am in the first cycle of eating like this, but so far so good it seems.
Summer Solstice is almost here. It is my favorite holiday!
Another big change has happened. I have pretty gone on an anti estrogenic diet. It is Paleo with some legumes but no cashews or peanuts. I have up dairy ages ago so none for me there. I have lost 5 pounds already and feel a whole lot better. The running has suffered but I read that it takes 3-4 weeks for your body to adjust and I am still in that time frame and each week is getting better with the running. I started to have performance anxiety during runs and that started my issues. It gets better week to week. Tomorrow is a run day so I am hoping that trend continues. I have started some light cross fit too which I LOVE! It is a lot of fun. I have some new exercises that I have added into my daily routine that really work the legs. Anything to help the running. Physically I feel better than I have felt in 10 months. My rings fit again as I am no longer retaining water by the end of the day and I no longer obsess about food. That has been the biggest gift of this "diet!" It is true. Eating carbs and sugar makes you crave carbs and sugar. I no longer think about what I am going to eat and when I will allow myself to eat it. I have been a food addict for over 30 years and finally I feel a little less tied down by my compulsion to eat. THAT IS HUGE! I feel good and I feel like I look better. We will see where this takes me but it seems to have a positive effect on my hormonal issues too. I am still so early in as I am in the first cycle of eating like this, but so far so good it seems.
Summer Solstice is almost here. It is my favorite holiday!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Thank you, Phillies.
The little league 8-9 year old season for the Phillies ended last night in a heartbreaking loss to the Reds, a team they had already beaten twice this spring. It just goes to show you that winning 82% of your games means little when it comes to the playoffs for 8-9 year olds anyways.
I was team parent for the Phillies. When the coach emailed that he would need a record keeper and team parent, I was leery about volunteering. I am not an outgoing person. I talked to my boss about it who encouraged me to do it. I told my son that I might, and he went nuts. Before I knew it, I emailed the coach to let him know that I would volunteer. I was nervous. How would the parents judge me? How would the coaches judge me? Would I do a good job at it? Would I even like doing it? I loved it. I loved getting to know parents outside of my small circle at work and at home and at the gym. I loved the children. They were all sweet and kind, and I loved being around baseball again. The whole experience collectively, mine and watching my son's, has brought baseball back into my life. It has been a gift so thank you, Phillies. Thank you encouraging me to be brave. Thank you for encouraging me to step forward when my natural inclination was to sit back and watch. Thank you for making me get out there and go places that I would normally never have gone. Thank you for making me sit outside and unhook from the routine of my normal life for a while. Thank you for introducing me to wonderful people who I will remember for a long time. You ladies may only have been in my life for a season, but the impact of you will last much, much longer. Knowing you for that short period of time and spending only a few hours a week with you has made me a better mom and person and has given me a little more confidence that I did not have before. Thank you for making me laugh, making me want to cry at the tears of 8 and 9 year olds as they played their hearts out on a hot June evening, and making me appreciate my son's immaturity. That last statement may sound like a stab at him, and it so is not. He was the youngest on his team. Watching him this season made me appreciate how young he really is and how young 8 year olds are. They are still so innocent. He will grow up a lot in the next year, but for now, he is still a little boy, and I appreciate that about him again. I have learned a lot about other parents, my son, my daughter, my husband, and myself. I have learned that there are some really great, kind people out there, people who I feel happy to know even if it is only for a season so thank you, Phillies.
I was team parent for the Phillies. When the coach emailed that he would need a record keeper and team parent, I was leery about volunteering. I am not an outgoing person. I talked to my boss about it who encouraged me to do it. I told my son that I might, and he went nuts. Before I knew it, I emailed the coach to let him know that I would volunteer. I was nervous. How would the parents judge me? How would the coaches judge me? Would I do a good job at it? Would I even like doing it? I loved it. I loved getting to know parents outside of my small circle at work and at home and at the gym. I loved the children. They were all sweet and kind, and I loved being around baseball again. The whole experience collectively, mine and watching my son's, has brought baseball back into my life. It has been a gift so thank you, Phillies. Thank you encouraging me to be brave. Thank you for encouraging me to step forward when my natural inclination was to sit back and watch. Thank you for making me get out there and go places that I would normally never have gone. Thank you for making me sit outside and unhook from the routine of my normal life for a while. Thank you for introducing me to wonderful people who I will remember for a long time. You ladies may only have been in my life for a season, but the impact of you will last much, much longer. Knowing you for that short period of time and spending only a few hours a week with you has made me a better mom and person and has given me a little more confidence that I did not have before. Thank you for making me laugh, making me want to cry at the tears of 8 and 9 year olds as they played their hearts out on a hot June evening, and making me appreciate my son's immaturity. That last statement may sound like a stab at him, and it so is not. He was the youngest on his team. Watching him this season made me appreciate how young he really is and how young 8 year olds are. They are still so innocent. He will grow up a lot in the next year, but for now, he is still a little boy, and I appreciate that about him again. I have learned a lot about other parents, my son, my daughter, my husband, and myself. I have learned that there are some really great, kind people out there, people who I feel happy to know even if it is only for a season so thank you, Phillies.
Friday, May 30, 2014
What do I want?
Watching an episode of Dr. Phil. At the end of the exercise, he has each person go around and say what they want. It got me thinking about what I want. I am not talking about material things. I mean the things I really want. I want to be feel beautiful and amazing. I want to feel loved for being a woman and being me. I want to be able to show how deeply in love I am. I want my husband to be able to feel how much I love him. I want to be kinder to him. I want to be less like my mother. I want to keep my cool when my kids make me feel like a bad mother. (That is when I get pushed over the edge.) I want to help my daughter to stop yelling at everyone and losing her temper. I want to figure out how to make my son care more about having fun and not be so afraid. I am reading this book which is not very good, but lists the 8 aspects of your life and asks you to rate the stages of each. Mine would be as follows:
1. Career: Very satisfying. Would like less stress but that is the reality of my job so I work really hard to separate it from my personal life and not internalize everything which is hard.
2. Health: I run a lot, but I do not manage my eating disorder. I binge eat all of the time. I don't care of myself like I would like to and I am not happy with my body. I am thin but would like to be thinner and would like to eat better to help my hormonal issues because I believe it would.
3. Fun: I have fun a lot. I try to enjoy everything that I and insert excitement into my life regularly. I am serious when life requires it, but I know how to have fun. I am greedy for it. I wish my husband and I were able to have more fun alone.
4. Friends & Family: I love my children and enjoy being with them. I have a very close friend who I adore and admire. I wish that I could be closer to my parents and siblings but that is not able to happen due to the family dysfunction. There is nothing I change about the dysfunction and I will not tolerate it for my own mental health. I am realistic about my family and accept that I cannot change them and I have a stable but distant relationship with them which is the best I can hope for.
5. Physical Environment: I would like a cleaner house and I would like to finish my bathroom.
6. Personal Growth: I tend to put my needs aside for others and then hold it against them with some. I am working on that. Therapy has been a big help.
7. Money: I do not care for material things so the money is fine. I work so money is not an issue.
8. Significant Other: My hubby and I are working on ourselves which helps us work on our relationship. It is a constant work in progress.
So the next step is to figure out which items you need to work on first and what steps to do for those.
I would pick 2 and 8 and maybe 5....
Let's tackle the easier one first.
5. I need to make a timeline for removing the rest of the wall paper from that bathroom and then pick a color and make a timeline for painting it. The summer is not a good time for any of those activities because I prefer to be outside so I need to make a timeline that is realistic for that desire. I need to make a timeline that gives me plenty of time to get the removal done since it frustrates me and I often need a break.
2. This number definitely influences number 8 so perhaps this one is more important than any of the other items at the moment. I need to actively work on fighting my compulsion to eat. How do I do that? I try to stay busy but that does not keep me from walking by a jar of peanut butter and taking a scoop out. I need to get out of that habit and it is a habit. I need to do something else when I have the inclination to eat but am not hungry. I need to think about why I am eating when I am eating and not hungry and think about what emotions I am feeling. To help the hormones, I am trying to go low glycemic but there is a lot of fat in those foods so I do not know what to do. The way I feel about my body has a large impact on my relationship with my hubby. If I feel good about myself then I am not trying to pick myself apart and fit my feelings about myself into my relationship with my hubby which leads me to number 8. I have this script in my mind that my hubby does not love me and is not attracted to me and he simply settled for me in marrying me and being with me. I constantly look for things or situations in our daily lives to match that script. Those things are reality to me. Why do I do that? I hate it. It makes me miserable and makes him miserable and makes him feel bad about things that are either not that important or things that happened a long time ago. So what do I need to do for #8? I need to work on my health so that part is better. I need to actively stop myself from looking for things to match the script in my head, and I need to stop bringing up sins of the past. I would be horrified if he kept bringing up mine from the last 19 years. I often think how horrible it must be for him. Talk about awful, and I can be relentless...
So on to this week's goals:
1. Eat smart. I do have a half marathon tomorrow so I will eat a higher glycemic dinner than normal but I think that is allowed since I have to run 13 miles tomorrow. After today, low glycemic and low fat and no missing workouts. I need to be good to myself and take care of my body.
2. Stop bringing up sins of the past. They hurt, yes, but they happened a long time ago and if the pain is still that intense (it is sometimes) I need to really look at why and think about if I am feeling that pain just so I can fit it into my script or if it is real.
3. Be kind and relent more often. Talk with my hubby. Forgive. Not forgiving means bitterness and one of the things I hate most about my mother and I worry most about picking up from her is her bitterness. I NEVER want to be like that so let it go.
1. Career: Very satisfying. Would like less stress but that is the reality of my job so I work really hard to separate it from my personal life and not internalize everything which is hard.
2. Health: I run a lot, but I do not manage my eating disorder. I binge eat all of the time. I don't care of myself like I would like to and I am not happy with my body. I am thin but would like to be thinner and would like to eat better to help my hormonal issues because I believe it would.
3. Fun: I have fun a lot. I try to enjoy everything that I and insert excitement into my life regularly. I am serious when life requires it, but I know how to have fun. I am greedy for it. I wish my husband and I were able to have more fun alone.
4. Friends & Family: I love my children and enjoy being with them. I have a very close friend who I adore and admire. I wish that I could be closer to my parents and siblings but that is not able to happen due to the family dysfunction. There is nothing I change about the dysfunction and I will not tolerate it for my own mental health. I am realistic about my family and accept that I cannot change them and I have a stable but distant relationship with them which is the best I can hope for.
5. Physical Environment: I would like a cleaner house and I would like to finish my bathroom.
6. Personal Growth: I tend to put my needs aside for others and then hold it against them with some. I am working on that. Therapy has been a big help.
7. Money: I do not care for material things so the money is fine. I work so money is not an issue.
8. Significant Other: My hubby and I are working on ourselves which helps us work on our relationship. It is a constant work in progress.
So the next step is to figure out which items you need to work on first and what steps to do for those.
I would pick 2 and 8 and maybe 5....
Let's tackle the easier one first.
5. I need to make a timeline for removing the rest of the wall paper from that bathroom and then pick a color and make a timeline for painting it. The summer is not a good time for any of those activities because I prefer to be outside so I need to make a timeline that is realistic for that desire. I need to make a timeline that gives me plenty of time to get the removal done since it frustrates me and I often need a break.
2. This number definitely influences number 8 so perhaps this one is more important than any of the other items at the moment. I need to actively work on fighting my compulsion to eat. How do I do that? I try to stay busy but that does not keep me from walking by a jar of peanut butter and taking a scoop out. I need to get out of that habit and it is a habit. I need to do something else when I have the inclination to eat but am not hungry. I need to think about why I am eating when I am eating and not hungry and think about what emotions I am feeling. To help the hormones, I am trying to go low glycemic but there is a lot of fat in those foods so I do not know what to do. The way I feel about my body has a large impact on my relationship with my hubby. If I feel good about myself then I am not trying to pick myself apart and fit my feelings about myself into my relationship with my hubby which leads me to number 8. I have this script in my mind that my hubby does not love me and is not attracted to me and he simply settled for me in marrying me and being with me. I constantly look for things or situations in our daily lives to match that script. Those things are reality to me. Why do I do that? I hate it. It makes me miserable and makes him miserable and makes him feel bad about things that are either not that important or things that happened a long time ago. So what do I need to do for #8? I need to work on my health so that part is better. I need to actively stop myself from looking for things to match the script in my head, and I need to stop bringing up sins of the past. I would be horrified if he kept bringing up mine from the last 19 years. I often think how horrible it must be for him. Talk about awful, and I can be relentless...
So on to this week's goals:
1. Eat smart. I do have a half marathon tomorrow so I will eat a higher glycemic dinner than normal but I think that is allowed since I have to run 13 miles tomorrow. After today, low glycemic and low fat and no missing workouts. I need to be good to myself and take care of my body.
2. Stop bringing up sins of the past. They hurt, yes, but they happened a long time ago and if the pain is still that intense (it is sometimes) I need to really look at why and think about if I am feeling that pain just so I can fit it into my script or if it is real.
3. Be kind and relent more often. Talk with my hubby. Forgive. Not forgiving means bitterness and one of the things I hate most about my mother and I worry most about picking up from her is her bitterness. I NEVER want to be like that so let it go.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Pretty Scary
I am getting ready to embark on a completely different way of eating. It is pretty scary. The question always is with my eating disorder, can I stick with it? Can I keep it up? I have two very large motivators to keeping up with it. One is hormonal, and the other is weight management. Honestly, the hormonal part is a larger motivator than anything else right now. I also have a feeling that once I get the hormonal part fixed, some of the weight management part will manage itself. Maybe not, but research indicates some of that. I have a week until my half marathon this year. I am so not ready. It makes me nervous. The most I am really ready for is maybe 10-11 miles. That last 5k might do me in. My BFF says that walking is fine if we need to, but I really hate to do that to her.
We are in our last 2-3 weeks of my son's baseball. I am going to miss it. It will be nice not to have to run around town 3 days a week, but it has been great to be outside so much and to watch baseball games and to be around other adults at the game. There are a lot of nice parents there.
Emotionally, I am feeling ok. I am not happy with my body. That is not helping. It has been a rough week for the hubby and I. We are very out of sync and it is not looking favorable to get back in sync. He thinks that physical connections will help that. I need the emotional connection to even think about the physical stuff. Men tend to go down the wrong path. I do not get it!
We are in our last 2-3 weeks of my son's baseball. I am going to miss it. It will be nice not to have to run around town 3 days a week, but it has been great to be outside so much and to watch baseball games and to be around other adults at the game. There are a lot of nice parents there.
Emotionally, I am feeling ok. I am not happy with my body. That is not helping. It has been a rough week for the hubby and I. We are very out of sync and it is not looking favorable to get back in sync. He thinks that physical connections will help that. I need the emotional connection to even think about the physical stuff. Men tend to go down the wrong path. I do not get it!
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Madness
I feel like every time my life spins out of control that I am two steps away from the flip side of my eating disorder. Yes, part of me would like to lose a few pounds, but that side of the spectrum scares me. I do not want to lose my hair. I was blessed with great hair. It is my only physical gift. I do not want to ever lose it. when the disorder and chaos hit, though, I do not want food. Normal stress sends me to my food addiction and stress eating. The madness and chaos send me to the other side. Peanut butter, my favorite food, has no appeal today. I have to run tomorrow so I will need to eat something at some point. The good news is that this phase is usually quick. Then I go back to stress eating. Joy.
Do you ever wonder why things turn out the way that they do? I wonder from time to time why I was saved when I tried to kill myself . That does not mean that I want to die now. Quite the opposite actually. I fear death. I have so much left to do, but I do wonder if there was a reason I was saved. I think that is normal. Perhaps it makes me look for a purpose to life other than just doing the things that I want to do. I do not know.
Do you ever wonder why things turn out the way that they do? I wonder from time to time why I was saved when I tried to kill myself . That does not mean that I want to die now. Quite the opposite actually. I fear death. I have so much left to do, but I do wonder if there was a reason I was saved. I think that is normal. Perhaps it makes me look for a purpose to life other than just doing the things that I want to do. I do not know.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Love
Why do we love those around us? I do not mean our kids or friends. I am talking more about our spouses and partners. Why do we pick those people? I understand that there is the whole idea of attractiveness, but what we find attractive definitely varies over time, and the reality is that beauty fades so what is it that makes us love someone else? Is it some kind of chemical reaction that goes on in our brain? Is it some sort of survival instinct? Sometimes I wonder....
My battle with food addiction is not going well today. The last few weeks have been better than most, but today has been bad. I blame it on my period and stress at work. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. Ok, there is some blame on a bad lunch due to the fact that I forgot that I was almost out of almond milk and let me assure you that puffed kamut and very little almond milk DO NOT go together well. Speaking of almond milk, this excluding dairy thing seems to be helping a bit with the hormones. Maybe it is just luck or just a better cycle, but so far so good. I actually ovulated this month which is a huge relief! Maybe, just maybe, my hormones are getting better. If that is the case then maybe this summer will not be so brutal. Brutal that is with the bleeding. My feelings about my body still plague me. Will I ever be satisfied with the way I look? I often wonder.
Last time I went to therapy I wanted to talk about my issues and feelings of competence at work. That did not happen. We got side tracked on some family issues. I need to talk to her about my feelings about work. I keep meaning to make an appt to go back but it never seems to happen--that or calling the dentist. I need to do that too. Baseball is taking up most of our weeks, but I am not complaining about that. I still love it. I realized that we only have 8 regular season games left and I know that I will be sad once it is over.
My battle with food addiction is not going well today. The last few weeks have been better than most, but today has been bad. I blame it on my period and stress at work. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be a better day. Ok, there is some blame on a bad lunch due to the fact that I forgot that I was almost out of almond milk and let me assure you that puffed kamut and very little almond milk DO NOT go together well. Speaking of almond milk, this excluding dairy thing seems to be helping a bit with the hormones. Maybe it is just luck or just a better cycle, but so far so good. I actually ovulated this month which is a huge relief! Maybe, just maybe, my hormones are getting better. If that is the case then maybe this summer will not be so brutal. Brutal that is with the bleeding. My feelings about my body still plague me. Will I ever be satisfied with the way I look? I often wonder.
Last time I went to therapy I wanted to talk about my issues and feelings of competence at work. That did not happen. We got side tracked on some family issues. I need to talk to her about my feelings about work. I keep meaning to make an appt to go back but it never seems to happen--that or calling the dentist. I need to do that too. Baseball is taking up most of our weeks, but I am not complaining about that. I still love it. I realized that we only have 8 regular season games left and I know that I will be sad once it is over.
Friday, March 28, 2014
Sun
Where is the sun? I wish it would come out. I need the sun and the warmth. Warm days have been overcast and sunny days have been cold. Not winning!
I did sign up for a 5k/10k race in late April. I cannot wait. It excites me a good deal which is great for the running. It helps. I am losing weight too which is a good thing. Consistency is key and fortunately, I have been able to maintain that. I am looking forward to more days running outside as the temperatures continue to creep up.
My panic attacks left for about two months. I thought that they were gone for good and left as quickly as they came. They arrived back like crazy the other night. I had 6 over the course of a night and worse yet, they kept waking me up. I have had several since. I am hoping they stop sooner rather than later. These daily attacks are exhausting.
This year has brought me back to baseball which I love. My son is playing and I love being out there with him and just watching. It is wonderful. I forgot how much I love baseball. It has been a gift to have it back. I am hoping this weekend's games are not canceled. Hopefully!
So I talked to my mother the other night and realized how desperate her need for drama is. It is how she keeps control. She tried to guilt me into thinking that my brother was upset with me for something silly. I did feel guilt when she made a big deal out of it, but then realized the following day that what she said was her need for comfort and not how he really feels. She needed to control the situation and the easiest way for her to do that was to inject some negativity between my brother and I. When I realized, I was mad. I have wonderful siblings and it is that poison that keeps me from getting close to them. They are still too tied to her. It honestly makes me sad. Very sad.
I did sign up for a 5k/10k race in late April. I cannot wait. It excites me a good deal which is great for the running. It helps. I am losing weight too which is a good thing. Consistency is key and fortunately, I have been able to maintain that. I am looking forward to more days running outside as the temperatures continue to creep up.
My panic attacks left for about two months. I thought that they were gone for good and left as quickly as they came. They arrived back like crazy the other night. I had 6 over the course of a night and worse yet, they kept waking me up. I have had several since. I am hoping they stop sooner rather than later. These daily attacks are exhausting.
This year has brought me back to baseball which I love. My son is playing and I love being out there with him and just watching. It is wonderful. I forgot how much I love baseball. It has been a gift to have it back. I am hoping this weekend's games are not canceled. Hopefully!
So I talked to my mother the other night and realized how desperate her need for drama is. It is how she keeps control. She tried to guilt me into thinking that my brother was upset with me for something silly. I did feel guilt when she made a big deal out of it, but then realized the following day that what she said was her need for comfort and not how he really feels. She needed to control the situation and the easiest way for her to do that was to inject some negativity between my brother and I. When I realized, I was mad. I have wonderful siblings and it is that poison that keeps me from getting close to them. They are still too tied to her. It honestly makes me sad. Very sad.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Outpouring of some stuff
My therapist told me this week that I am hurting myself. I knew that, but hearing someone else tell me that resonated with me. There are some things I need to get out. I know my husband will read this and I want him to know that this is not to make him feel bad. It is not to create guilt. The only outpouring I have of these things as they have bothered me come in waves of anger directed at him. Why? Because I cannot deal with the sadness so I focus on the anger when the feelings get too overwhelming. I ask him to look at this as an outpouring of sadness, not anger or rage, but more about what I have held in for a long time or a short time depending on what items I hit.
The marathon...every Sunday that I ran long, I thought about finishing that race. Hell, some of the time picturing that moment was the only thing to push me through another 15+ mile run. I pictured it more times than I can tell you. Each time it brought a smile to my face. The day came and went and no moment happened. The truth was that by mid-Oct I was burned out on running, a lesson I will remember this year going into the marathon. I still planned to run and would have finished. The best way to explain what that moment to me was that it was supposed to be a moment that would allow me to maybe relinquish some of the self-loathing I do. I felt like if I could defeat the marathon then maybe I was not as weak as I thought, or insignificant, or insecure and incompetent. It takes a lot to push through 15 miles and then 20 miles and then 26.2. Having that ability meant something to me and meant that maybe just maybe I was not as bad as I believe I am. The most I ran last summer and fall was 23.2 miles. It was broken up into 2 sections, but the rest in between was only about 15 minutes and I still did over 23 miles. Me, the girl who never ran in PE. The girl who was always picked last, and the girl who eventually learned to sit on the sidelines rather than out in front. You see, I used to be this great outgoing person who was not afraid to shine. Something changed my senior year of high school. That was when I felt the change happen. I was dating David Tanner at the time. I don't think it was he. I never really liked him all of that much, truth be told. It was a long progression that went through my first year of college. By the end of my freshman year, I was this quiet, compulsive, miserable and awkward person. It took another 16 years to finally lose some of that misery. During that time, I endured many things that I would not now. I lost 75 pounds that I gained my sophomore year of college along the way, I got married, I had 2 kids, and I built a wonderful, amazing career. Even with that of that, I was still just treading water. Every now and then something happens that pushes me to yearn to swim upstream. I spent a good part of my 35th year doing just that, pushing myself and learning to enjoy life a little more. Most of my 36th and 37th years were spent with setbacks from that. I have gained 10 pounds and felt more tired and miserable than I had in a long, long time. I felt the awkwardness in everything. It keeps me from talking to people and doing some of the things I want to do. I desperately want to be like the girl who was not content to sit on the sidelines, the girl I remember before my senior year. I don't want to be her, do not get me wrong. I am older and much wiser. I want part of her to merge with the woman I am now. I do not want to be afraid to shine anymore. I do not want to worry about everything I say or do or worry about the way I look so much. The marathon for me was that moment to shine, and I guess I had hoped in that moment, maybe it would carry forward. Maybe I could hold onto it and take it further so maybe I could find that girl in me and get part of her back. That is why I am sad about the marathon. I do not know if I go into this year's that hopeful. I worry more that with my foot issues that I will not be able to run that far. It stresses me. I did not have a beautiful, wonderful, and amazing wedding. I never wore a dress that I felt a princess in. The birth of my first child was a sad not a happy occasion. I let myself down in a dozen other major ways. I want my moment. That is what the marathon was about, my moment.
The marathon...every Sunday that I ran long, I thought about finishing that race. Hell, some of the time picturing that moment was the only thing to push me through another 15+ mile run. I pictured it more times than I can tell you. Each time it brought a smile to my face. The day came and went and no moment happened. The truth was that by mid-Oct I was burned out on running, a lesson I will remember this year going into the marathon. I still planned to run and would have finished. The best way to explain what that moment to me was that it was supposed to be a moment that would allow me to maybe relinquish some of the self-loathing I do. I felt like if I could defeat the marathon then maybe I was not as weak as I thought, or insignificant, or insecure and incompetent. It takes a lot to push through 15 miles and then 20 miles and then 26.2. Having that ability meant something to me and meant that maybe just maybe I was not as bad as I believe I am. The most I ran last summer and fall was 23.2 miles. It was broken up into 2 sections, but the rest in between was only about 15 minutes and I still did over 23 miles. Me, the girl who never ran in PE. The girl who was always picked last, and the girl who eventually learned to sit on the sidelines rather than out in front. You see, I used to be this great outgoing person who was not afraid to shine. Something changed my senior year of high school. That was when I felt the change happen. I was dating David Tanner at the time. I don't think it was he. I never really liked him all of that much, truth be told. It was a long progression that went through my first year of college. By the end of my freshman year, I was this quiet, compulsive, miserable and awkward person. It took another 16 years to finally lose some of that misery. During that time, I endured many things that I would not now. I lost 75 pounds that I gained my sophomore year of college along the way, I got married, I had 2 kids, and I built a wonderful, amazing career. Even with that of that, I was still just treading water. Every now and then something happens that pushes me to yearn to swim upstream. I spent a good part of my 35th year doing just that, pushing myself and learning to enjoy life a little more. Most of my 36th and 37th years were spent with setbacks from that. I have gained 10 pounds and felt more tired and miserable than I had in a long, long time. I felt the awkwardness in everything. It keeps me from talking to people and doing some of the things I want to do. I desperately want to be like the girl who was not content to sit on the sidelines, the girl I remember before my senior year. I don't want to be her, do not get me wrong. I am older and much wiser. I want part of her to merge with the woman I am now. I do not want to be afraid to shine anymore. I do not want to worry about everything I say or do or worry about the way I look so much. The marathon for me was that moment to shine, and I guess I had hoped in that moment, maybe it would carry forward. Maybe I could hold onto it and take it further so maybe I could find that girl in me and get part of her back. That is why I am sad about the marathon. I do not know if I go into this year's that hopeful. I worry more that with my foot issues that I will not be able to run that far. It stresses me. I did not have a beautiful, wonderful, and amazing wedding. I never wore a dress that I felt a princess in. The birth of my first child was a sad not a happy occasion. I let myself down in a dozen other major ways. I want my moment. That is what the marathon was about, my moment.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Therapy
So this book I am reading about mothers who cannot love suggests you write your mother a letter with a few major points covered. I am not sure if I plan to do that yet, but it does mention how the book will bring up old sores in that relationship. It certainly has done that. My plan is to roll through some of the items that have come up over the next few weeks. Today will be my period issues when I was younger. I got my period when I was 11. It was mixed up from the start. I know that it cane take years for a cycle to settle, but mine never did. At 13 years old, I was having very painful periods and went 9 months without a period. I was not sexually active. Then I went through 4 weeks of bleeding with large clots. I was bleeding through pads overnight so much so that the blood ended up all over the floor. (I was sleeping on the floor at the time. Long story there--had more to do with comfort than anything else.) Because of the blood on the floor, my mother finally took me to a doctor. He told her that it was normal. Keep in mind that he never even did an exam or pap smear. That is not normal for anyone who had not had a baby.... She believed him because it was easier for her to do so and she was too wrapped up in my sister's life to worry about me. It made me sad that she did not help me. Fast forward 2 years. Again, still not sexually active. I am still having incredible pain during my cycles. She finally relents and takes me back to a new gynecologist, one she later admitted to me that she did not like. He was about 55 and came in coldly, did the exam, and then left. The nurse later gave me an prescription for a birth control pill to control my hormones. I started taking it and a week later, I was in even more pain. I am a tough lady. I went through child birth without drugs. The pain was so terrible that I was crying. My mother did nothing. Allegedly, my sister called the nurse who told her that the pain would go away in a few months as my body got used to the hormones. There was no way I would continue taking the pills the way it hurt so I stopped. I had desperately wanted my mother to help me at that time and to call the nurse and demand they change my pill. It was the 90's. There were a million pills out there! She never did. Fast forward another year. I was sexually active with my boyfriend and got pregnant. Yes, my mother was great when she found out I was pregnant and did everything she could to help me put my daughter up for adoption, and I am by no means suggesting that I do not want my eldest daughter in this world, but the reality is that my mother could have prevented that hardship in my life simply by helping me with the doctor when the pill made me sick. The reality is as I was later told that I likely had endometriosis and that having my oldest child helped to correct it, but the pill could have done the same thing. I take responsibility for having sex at 16. I will say too that I did go to planned parenthood and get on the pill about the time I got pregnant. I was just a week too late. I know that my decisions are not my mother's fault. I understand that, but what makes me sad is that she did not protect me or help me when she had the chance. It makes me feel neglected. How do you not protect your child when she is suffering and I was suffering. That is my sore for today.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Life has been ok...
I have finally stopped gaining weight and have managed to move the needle down a little. It is not totally what I want, but it is better than going up. I have thrown up once in the last 30 days which I consider a victory. The control over the food has been a constant battle, but some days, I win it so I am happy about that. I am still not able to exercise the way I would like, but I should be back to pre-injury state in the next 30 days which is good. Today I did 8 miles running on the treadmill and did speed intervals at the end. The fact that I did them at the end, makes me feel good. I did the last mile at 1 mph faster than the previous 7 which makes me happy but also tells me that I am not pushing myself enough as I run. I definitely need to challenge myself more. My foot hurts on and off. Sometimes, the pain and tightness goes back to my calf. I keep hoping it will go back to the calf and just stay there. I am working on strengthening the gluts and hoping that will help. NASCAR started last night which makes me happy. It feels like spring might be coming in sooner rather than later. I look forward to the start of racing because it signifies the end of winter for me. A little over a month to go now. I think I can make it.
Interesting enough, my hubby bought a mirror for me for Christmas so I can look at myself full length. In it, I look thin. How sad and amusing it is that I think the image is due to the angle of the mirror and not how I really look. It is true. Not quite sure how to fix that or what to make of it, but it is real.
I decided that I am going ahead with the tummy tuck. I see the winners on the Biggest Loser and I know the secret they hide, the extra skin that hangs from their weight loss. It is time to get rid of mine. I want to do it while I am still young enough to enjoy it. This year is the time.
I am watching my daughter more and more and seeing how she perceives the world. I have to be careful not to pass on my issues about body and self-image to her. Right now she thinks she is amazing and wonderful and I hope she spends her lifetime feeling that way. I started reading a book about mothers who cannot love. My own mother is defined in that book over and over again. I cannot do some of the exercises in the book that are supposed to shake the feelings of inadequacy that come from mothers who cannot love, but the book has made me think more and more how the excuses I always provided for my mother should not prevent me from feeling anger over the things that she did. I struggle these days with how to maintain a relationship with her and what I want out of it. The reality is that I cannot have the relationship I want with my mother, and because of that, I don't want one with her. I would honestly prefer to cut her out of my life, but the guilt pulls me back constantly so I try to keep her at a large distance, but the hassle of even dealing with her on a very limited basis sends me into a tailspin of stress. It would just be easier not to deal with her at all. What bothers me even more is that I would love to have a relationship with my siblings, but that would mean engaging with my mother more and that is something I am not willing to do. I don't know what the answer is. All I know is that I am tired of feeling guilty, afraid, and worried. My children want to go ice skating today. I keep worrying that they might fall and hurt themselves. It is almost enough worry to keep me from taking them. I do not want to be afraid. I loved ice skating as a child. I want them to go and enjoy like I did growing up. I don't want to be afraid.
Interesting enough, my hubby bought a mirror for me for Christmas so I can look at myself full length. In it, I look thin. How sad and amusing it is that I think the image is due to the angle of the mirror and not how I really look. It is true. Not quite sure how to fix that or what to make of it, but it is real.
I decided that I am going ahead with the tummy tuck. I see the winners on the Biggest Loser and I know the secret they hide, the extra skin that hangs from their weight loss. It is time to get rid of mine. I want to do it while I am still young enough to enjoy it. This year is the time.
I am watching my daughter more and more and seeing how she perceives the world. I have to be careful not to pass on my issues about body and self-image to her. Right now she thinks she is amazing and wonderful and I hope she spends her lifetime feeling that way. I started reading a book about mothers who cannot love. My own mother is defined in that book over and over again. I cannot do some of the exercises in the book that are supposed to shake the feelings of inadequacy that come from mothers who cannot love, but the book has made me think more and more how the excuses I always provided for my mother should not prevent me from feeling anger over the things that she did. I struggle these days with how to maintain a relationship with her and what I want out of it. The reality is that I cannot have the relationship I want with my mother, and because of that, I don't want one with her. I would honestly prefer to cut her out of my life, but the guilt pulls me back constantly so I try to keep her at a large distance, but the hassle of even dealing with her on a very limited basis sends me into a tailspin of stress. It would just be easier not to deal with her at all. What bothers me even more is that I would love to have a relationship with my siblings, but that would mean engaging with my mother more and that is something I am not willing to do. I don't know what the answer is. All I know is that I am tired of feeling guilty, afraid, and worried. My children want to go ice skating today. I keep worrying that they might fall and hurt themselves. It is almost enough worry to keep me from taking them. I do not want to be afraid. I loved ice skating as a child. I want them to go and enjoy like I did growing up. I don't want to be afraid.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I went to William and Mary
I never talk about that a lot and what a disaster it was. I was not meant to go there by any stretch, but erasing my life there erases my life now so I can only want things to change so much. I know that rationally, but I still struggle with the regret that I went there. It was where my parents really wanted me to go. I wanted to go to JMU. That was my dream and my dream since I was 12. I have never told anyone that I wanted to go there since I was 12. I remember my parents sending off the deposit for William and Mary the minute the letter arrived from them accepting me. It was a done deal right then, and the done deal was wrong for me. It was too close to parents. I know that now. I needed more distance. I needed to grow and become the person I was to become. Going there delayed that happening. I have so many regrets from my young adulthood. So many. I lost so much time and I hate that. Time is limited as it is. Once it is gone it is gone. I will never get it back. I want it back. What bothers me more is that I am here also watching the clock go and wasting so much of this present time I have now. What do I want to do? I want the perfect body. I do. I had it once after I had my eldest daughter. I had it then and I want it back. What do I have to do to get it? Eat right. That is where I struggle right now. I can only exercise so much right now with my injury, but no doubt I will be back in full force once it is completely healed which is days away, I truly believe! It is the food addiction. So as I go through each day feeling like I cheated myself in my 20's, the irony is that I am cheating myself now, and I hate that even more. Regrets are exhausting and I have way too many piling up on a regular basis. They are certainly very heavy!!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Tired.
So I am tired of feeling bad about myself. It just takes over and sets in and I just cannot escape it. First let me say that I am not depressed. I am not feeling bad in the depression sense. I feel bad about how I look. I am reading a book about relationships by one of the world's biggest experts on relationships. The biggest benefit is that it helps me figure out why certain events in my life bother me so much and what messages from my youth they reinforce. It has been great because I know more about my emotional issues now more than ever, but it does not stop the pain and the constant worry and questioning. I may be more in touch with how events affect my emotions BUT the pain still persists. I hate it. I am just tired of feeling bad about my body. It is exhausting. Not to mention, why does it matter so much! That part I still clearly carry from my youth. I am trying to take control of my eating so that maybe I can stop feeling so bad about myself. It is just so freaking hard. I wish that I did not have to face food every again. It would be a hell of a lot easier. Yes, there are days that I wish I could be anorexic and just not eat, but the reality is that then the running suffers and I care a lot about the running. It is part of my identity now. I hate food. I hate all food even my favorite food. I hate it all. Thinking about it most days is way too stressful. Just too stressful!! Will I ever feel good about myself? Will I ever accept myself as I am and not worry or care?
By the way, the one thing NO ONE ever talks about on those weight loss shows is the skin that results from weight loss. Yep, we all end up with loose skin. I lost 75 pounds when I was 26 and have kept it off for 11 years now, but the loose skin that results is depressing. Some days I feel like I would feel better heavier because then at least the skin would not be loose. No one ever talks about it. Rather they hide it on shows like The Biggest Loser and others. Very annoying.
I am just so frustrated right now. I want food to go away. Far, far away!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will I ever stop obsessing over it and be able to control it?
By the way, the one thing NO ONE ever talks about on those weight loss shows is the skin that results from weight loss. Yep, we all end up with loose skin. I lost 75 pounds when I was 26 and have kept it off for 11 years now, but the loose skin that results is depressing. Some days I feel like I would feel better heavier because then at least the skin would not be loose. No one ever talks about it. Rather they hide it on shows like The Biggest Loser and others. Very annoying.
I am just so frustrated right now. I want food to go away. Far, far away!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will I ever stop obsessing over it and be able to control it?
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Been a long time
I had not realized how long it has been since I posted something. Most of my thoughts have been a bit too personal to share with anyone or anything outside of my head. I have gotten fat in the lats two months. Well, maybe that is not true. I have gained 5 pounds, and to go on record, I would never say in the presence of my daughter that I have gotten fat. It is how I feel some of the time. No one around me understands which I find more frustrating than anything. I have no one to talk to about it. There is no one to understand. That 5 pounds is so small but it is huge to me. What it represents is pretty significant too. I feel like I am always on a mission to lose weight and let me tell you. That is pretty freaking exhausting. When I am trying to lose weight, I am not feeling so hot about myself which bleeds into almost every other area of my life. It has been a hard two months.
As is typical, I find myself falling into a winter depression. I was hoping to avoid it this year, but as we get further into January, it becomes more and more clear that it is settling in to stay, and I hate it. I am counting down the days until spring. We are under 70 now. What scares me is that I am the thinnest in the month of March historically for the year. If that is the case this year, what does it mean for the rest of my year? Am I to gain more weight? To really hit my stride running, it would be helpful to lose about 10-15 pounds. The question is, can I do it? I can stop the binge eating and take care of myself? Sometimes it seems like it will never happen and that depresses me even more.
As is typical, I find myself falling into a winter depression. I was hoping to avoid it this year, but as we get further into January, it becomes more and more clear that it is settling in to stay, and I hate it. I am counting down the days until spring. We are under 70 now. What scares me is that I am the thinnest in the month of March historically for the year. If that is the case this year, what does it mean for the rest of my year? Am I to gain more weight? To really hit my stride running, it would be helpful to lose about 10-15 pounds. The question is, can I do it? I can stop the binge eating and take care of myself? Sometimes it seems like it will never happen and that depresses me even more.
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