Does a heart need to be whole to ever really break?

I hope not or I am destined to be a callous, bitter woman for the rest of my life.  On days like today I have to wonder why my mother raised us the way she did, to be so afraid and waiting for the smallest slight?  Let's face it was the whole idea of being in or out with her that makes me that way.  I cannot speak for my siblings.  When I look at my sister, I see the damage done there too.  She spends her life wanting everyone to love her so she lives her life being boisterous and still trying to be 16 and pretty when she is 46 and aging.  I see my brother and his anger.  Enough said.  Then here I am always living in terror.  Sitting there just waiting for someone to drop me.  It happens with my personal life, work...it does not matter.  I always sit around and wait for everyone to figure out that I am not who they think I am.  The thing is that it is not like I am putting on a facade.  I never have.  I am who I am, but I still sit and wait for them to catch me in something that changes who they think I am.  I have asked it before, but I am asking it again.  What was it with my mother that made her raise us like that?  Was the abuse she suffered from her mother just too much for her to drop?  Was it too much for her to discard that example?  I have to assume so.  I guess in her mind because she was not beating us, she was not like her mom. She is much more like her mom than she ever thinks.  That leads me to what scares me to death.  How much of the same kind of person am I?  Will I do the same thing to my two children?  I watch myself sometimes and listen to myself and I see myself doing the same thing.  The whole idea tenacious Tiffany.  Jon and I laugh about it, but it is that tenacity that makes for a bad mom.  I have to let go with the kids especially.  I have to drop it once it has been said and move on to something else.  I have to let it go.  My entire body and soul fights it.  I do not mean it is hard for me to do.  I mean my body physically fights it.  Same thing with the hubby which is why I have such a hard time forgiving and forgetting.  My body aches when I try to let it go.  It is very much a physical sensation.  I know part of that is the borderline psychosis I fight.  I want to let it go.  That is the crazy thing.  I saw my mother wrapped up in bitterness and pain.  I do not want to wear it. 
The funny thing happened today.  I told my husband one thing I really want.  It is something I have felt too much pride to tell him before.  It was that whole idea of if I have to ask for it, it means less.  The problem with that is that I spent so much time hurting over it and wanting it and being bitter because I do not have it.  Was it worth it holding it in and not telling him?  Hell no.  Will it really mean less if and when it happens?  I have no clue, but if so, who cares.  Was the pain of wanting it and being bitter over not getting it better than telling him and having it mean less eventually?  Hell no to that too.  I want to bitterness to end.  I really do.  It sucks so much energy and frankly, is not me.  Not the me I want to be.  How can I be full of life and energy with bitterness weighing me down.  The honest answer is that I cannot.  The stress takes over and ages me and makes me tired.  I just do not want it.  So Hubby, I love you more than anything in this world and I pray to God every single day that you are the man this version of me needs and wants.  I want to give you a chance to be that man.  I have to give you a chance to be that person. 

Have I ever been wrong?

Of course I have.  We all have, but then why are we all so afraid of being wrong?  I am not just talking about being right or wrong in a discussion.  I am talking about being wrong in the choices we make in life.  We have all made those mistakes, and we constantly live in fear of making more.  Why?  That fear is what paralyzes us.  Well, some of us, that is.  So we sit by and stay safe just so we never have to say that we were wrong.  I know it is not hat black and white, but it really is not that complicated either.  My son told me today that he loved himself, and I thought, "Wow, in his sincerity, I know that I have done a good job as a parent," and I mean that.  Talk about telling.  I hope he continues to feel that way for the rest of his life.  I am constantly working on who I am so that he does.  I was very much headed down the same horrible parenting path that my mother used.  It does not create well adjusted children who love themselves.  Quite the opposite.  I realized after a few incidents with my son that I had to make some serious changes and I have and I am working on me so I can be the best parent and wife I can be. 
One of the shows I was watching today talked about visualizing those things that you want.  It cracked me up because I do that with the marathon almost every time I run.  I visualize finishing it regularly.  I cannot wait for the moment. It is going to feel great.  It got me thinking about other things I maybe should be visualizing like finishing the FCC upload.  I need to start working on that tonight!
Watching a show that just brought up a good question....  As a woman, what is it that I do not want a man to know about me?  That I am not perfect.  That I am not everything that he needs.  That he can walk out the door any time he wants.  Pretty telling, I think.  I think when you live a life where love is given and taken so quickly.  I mean it varies based on the wind it feels sometimes.  I think when you live a life like that, you just know how easily it can disappear or be withdrawn so you work like a dog to stay in favor and be perfect and be who or whatever is needed at the time.  You never build your own identity or sense of self because you, at the core, do not matter.  It is all about how much of something you can be in order to keep love and favor.  You are a chameleon.  So here I am at 36 still trying to figure out who the hell I am and who I want to be and all the while fighting the voices that tell me I do not matter, and that the only thing that matters is who I can become.

Men have no ability to plan or anticipate

I cannot help but wonder why that is the case?  They all consider themselves to be good leaders or some sort of "master of the world" but being both of those things require a certain amount of planning or anticipating someone's actions or response.  I just do not get it.  Doesn't it make life easier.  Honestly, I need to just let it go and not try to control everyone.  Men have to live with the consequences of their lack of anticipation, right, and I do not have to jump in and fix everything all of the time, right?  I need to keep that in mind.  I need to just let it go....
So I have a long run tomorrow and my legs are super sore.  I am hoping that the soreness goes away by tomorrow.  I need a long run.  I have to keep those going.  I have done really well this week.  I am down 3 pounds and I have only one .5 tablespoon of peanut butter all week.  Day 1 was torture, but the last few days have been ok.  I will always do peanut butter toast before long runs so tomorrow I get some peanut butter.  Yum!  I ate way too much tonight.  The hubby said that it was mostly veggies but still.  I ate too much!  I feel kind of ill. 
So we took my son to Barnes & Noble today to get my son some new books.  He needs to practice reading.  We bought a lot.  It seems to have reinvigorated his reading which is great. I also bought for him Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing.  I forgot what a great book it was.  I read it today.  It is so good.  I cannot wait to read it to him.  I am hoping he allows me to do so soon. 
Work is very stressful right now.  I am grinding my teeth a lot at night.  I am sure it is stress related.  I am going to wear my teeth down to nothing at this rate.  My ear hurt last week.  It was the grinding for sure.  6 more weeks.  If I can just get through the next 6 weeks....
The cold this week has really gotten to me.  Plus, I have not been able to walk at lunch and soak up the sun.  We had rain all week but Friday and Friday I was too busy to walk outside.  Plus, it was too cold and snowy from the night before.  I am hoping to walk next week or maybe get my daughter out for a walk tomorrow to soak up some vitamin D.  I need it.  It will help with the depression that seems to be coming down.

A bad country song and a really good hip hop song.

Tonight my life is a bad country song.  One of the wonderful ladies on my staff, her dog died.  Another wonderful lady on my staff was in a car accident on the way home.  (I am sure dude that rear ended her was looking at his phone when he did it.)  Then I called my mom.  Lordy, but I will get into that later.  Then when the hubby got home with both kids, they were crying.  That is the makings of a bad country song.  My daughter was still crying up until a half hour ago.  Everyone is ok physically, thank goodness.  So much out of our lives we cannot control.  Is that why my mother has this incessant need to control everything else.  I could tell she was not happy when I called.  She finally unloaded about 5 minutes into the conversation.  I told her almost laughing that she cannot fix everything for everyone as she seems to be driven too.  That, of course, aggravated her, but it is the truth.  For whatever reason, she has the need to fix everything even at the expense of her relationships with her family.  Some might say that is just a mother's love.  I am a mother too.  That is not a mother's love.  It is an obsession.  I do not know what has caused this problem she has, but I wish for her sake, she would accept that we cannot control other people much like my co-worker could not control dude looking at his phone and rear ending her this evening.  So what does that mean for me?  Well, first it is the acceptance that people live differently than I do.  My sister is different.  She makes different choices that I would and clearly my mother would, but there is nothing wrong with that.  My sister lives life in a more reckless demanding fashion.  Does that make it wrong?  Absolutely not!  She has a good life and despite her complaints would tell you that she is happy, I believe.  For so long I bought into my mother's BS of live life carefully and you will have a good life or do this and you will be safe and the bottom line is that it is all BS.  All of it.  There are too many things we cannot control.  Even when we attempt to control all of the pieces that we can, the uncontrollable pieces still dive in and take over.  That is what life is, and I believe that it is hard to ruin life because life is pretty resilient.  We are told (or at least I was all of the time) not to do this or that because it will ruin your life.  I am calling BS to that.  It is too resilient. 
I regret not losing weight earlier.  I was 26 when I finally took control of my health and my eating disorder.  I regret it, but I realized today that I did it because I did not want my mother to have power over me and think for two seconds that all of her badgering about my weight as a teenager (and not more than 10 pounds overweight then if at all) and the hurtful (oh so hurtful) comments about my thunder thighs in any way, shape, or form made me realize I needed to lose weight.  I did it on my time so it was clear it was because of me.  Not her.  I can still guarantee that somewhere in her mind, she takes pride that I am thin and thank goodness she saved me by talking about my thunder thighs and how I had breasts at 9 because I was so fat (which I was not) is what she thinks.  I know the reality. 
It is deep within me to be careful and not take risks.  I was trained to be the safe daughter and not take chances.  My new favorite song has a line that I love.  "Why tip toe through life to arrive safely at death."  Well, Mom, you are tip toeing through life.  You complain about not going on vacations, but you will not go on one.  You complain about never getting masters degree, but I have been out of the house for some time now.  Live life, Mom.  That is a gift I try to pull into to who I am every day despite my inclinations to do the exact opposite.  I spend so much of my time worrying about all of these extraneous things rather than just living and enjoying a moment for once.  Life is pretty fun or it can be anyways.  I am not free of past burdens but I am working on it and hopefully enough that I am able to give my children the gift of actually living a life and not just sitting there watching time go by.  I spent a lot of time doing that.  That is what I regret.  I will never get those years back, but I can utilize this minute and the time I am given in a minute, an hour, or even tomorrow should I have the good fortune to get there. 

Long days and even longer nights

I had a reminder as to what it is like to have a newborn baby again.  All that I have to say is yikes!  Talk about tired.  I am still recovering.  It was difficult to wake up this am and get moving, but get moving, I must if I plan to lose some weight.  I am headed out for a walk shortly.  I think that is about the most my body can handle this am.  At least it is supposed to be a gorgeous day today.  That will help.  Tomorrow is supposed to be even prettier.  The other night I was watching NASCAR testing.  It just made me happy to see it on TV.  I missed racing.  I love a sport that ends in November and starts up again late Feb.  It is my kind of sport.  It skips my least favorite months.  Although, this weekend's weather is truly a gift, a gift for which I am thankful.  I plan to take full advantage.
138 pounds.  I seem to be very stuck there.  I remember that from before that 137/138 was a sticky place.  The 7's and 8's always have been for me.  Same thing will happen when I hit 132 and 133.  I have to keep plugging on.  I am determined to get down to 120-125.  I have a long way to go at my weight, but all I have is time anyways. 
I completely underestimated my boss and I feel kind of bad about it.  He offered to do something so kind for me.  It showed that he knows what I am dealing with and how wrong I was when I thought he did not understand. He is truly amazing.  I am relieved and very thankful.
This time of year, I really start to dream about the spring and summer and the warmth it brings.  Those dreams will get more frequent as we get into February.  I refuse to celebrate my birthday this year. Something about 37 sounds so old.  I hate it.  Where did my low 30's go?  I was so busy birthing kids and dealing with newborns that I missed out enjoying it.  I sometimes wonder if it is too late to really enjoy my youth.  Has it passed me by already?  My legs get cramped easily.  In some ways, my body is so old.  I want it to be and feel young again.  So much I missed out on.  I try not to focus on that, but sometimes in the dead of winter, it is tough. 
Alice in Wonderland is on TV.  I love that movie.  It is total insanity, but I love it.  Sometimes, I think it takes a crazy person to really understand it.  It just amuses me.  This movie is over a half a century old and it is still wonderful. 
So I am never sure how fast my short runs are because I never do short runs on anything other than the treadmill.  I do wonder.  Once it gets lighter in the am, I may have to do a short run one am and see how fast I can push myself with.  I'd like to get my 5k time to under 27 minutes.  I have done it on the treadmill more than a few times, but running outside is a horse of a different color, of course.  My 11 mile time last Sun was not good.  1 hour and 50 minutes.  Granted, I stopped for 2 minutes of that to remove my long sleeves, but still.  I was down to around a 9:30/min mile on the long runs.  I would like to stay there or below it.  Maybe once it warms up. 

Guessing that churches do well at the start of the year

I am betting that most churches see a boom in attendance and donations right after the new year and folks turn to religion to change their lives.  Like the whole exercise thing, I wonder how many stick with it.  Is the percentage higher than the New Year's exercise percentage? 
I have a long run today that is not starting out too well.  I feel nauseous.  I have felt that way all am since I woke up at 5am.  I am just hoping to get through 10 miles at this point.  I have not done an outside run since 12/24 so it has been a while.  I am guaranteed to be sore tomorrow, but I am hoping to hit the treadmill for a few to work that soreness out. 
I weighed the same this am that I did on Friday so if I can just weigh the same tomorrow that I did today, I will be on the right path next week for some weight loss.  I had pancakes for breakfast and feel so ill and bloated now.  I clearly eat too many when I hit the pancakes so I need to cut back next time I make them or not eat them at all when I make them again.  I made them yesterday and did not eat one.  I think that was a good decision.  I am pretty much just trying to eat as close to how I do during the week.  That seems to be key. 
I will use my garmin for the first time today.  We will see how I like it.  I like the Nike + because it keeps track to something I can listen to while I am running.  Plus, I am already loading up my workouts to their site.  We will see if I end up abandoning the Nike + altogether or use both.  I am excited about running outside again since it has been a few weeks.  I love nothing more than running in the sun.  Right now I long for those sunny, humid am's running with my BFF.  I am still hoping I can talk her into some trail runs in the next few months. 

New Year, New You

One of our stations is doing a campaign titled "New Year, New You."  I get it.  It is a new year after all and most of us plan to make big changes, but the campaign just seems so cliche to me.  There is nothing wrong with that, but I plan to make changes year round to become the new me.  It is an exercise we all face daily if we want to become different people, right?  So who I do want to be in 2013?  I want to be a better version of me.  I want to treat my husband the way he deserves to be treated and that means letting go of the some of the hurt and forgiving and moving on together.  (Yes, Hubby, I know that I have to do those things too.  I have work too.)  I want to be a fun loving, balanced mom, one who will show my daughter what it means to be a confident, strong woman and one who will show my son how he will treat the future women in his life.  I want to move more into the finance side of work and help my boss to make good decisions by having the knowledge he needs to make those decisions.  I want to take part in giving those pieces of information.  I want to help him make the company the best it has ever been.  I want to be a better runner and a marathoner.  I signed up for a marathon in November so I just need to work on running farther faster.  I want to be a great friend to the two most wonderful women I know.  I want to do things with them and have fun and laugh with them and be relaxed.  I want to lost 14 pounds to finally get to my goal weight, a weight that will finally satisfy me and also help carry me to my goal of running faster.  I want to love more and deeper than I have ever loved and I want to be able to judge less and truly care more which means letting go of some of my insecurities--not just the superficial ones, but the ones that run way deeper than that. 
Yesterday I felt more on the line to do all of these things.  I do not know what the turning point was yesterday, but I feel more prepared to quiet the voices in my head and tell them to go to hell and let it go.  I feel more prepared to walk by that piece of chocolate and more prepared to make brownies but not even eat one. 
In one of latest books I read, the main character is told by her family that she will "ruin her life" by giving up being an attorney.  She says later that she learns that it is really tough to ruin your life because life is pretty resilient.  Talk about a good lesson for all of us.  So what if we do not get the best job or get into the best college or are not the prettiest or smartest girl in class.  We all have the choice to have a great life and make our lives matter.  We cannot expect them to matter to anyone else.  We have to be important to ourselves and have our lives matter to us.  Celebrities have to have their lives matter to others.  I do not see a lot of them truly happy.  That tells me something.  I am tired of waiting for an event and a moment where this life matters.  I think every moment matters so I want to enjoy every moment and not wait for some event to make me enjoy that day.  Today is January 5th and I hate January.   Lord knows how I get through the winter months...  But I have a choice to hate today and be bitter it is cold or I can choose to enjoy today.  It is a choice.  I hope I make the right one. It is a battle for sure for all of us.  We will see how the day goes.... 

A new year

How many New Year's resolutions are made on Jan 1 every year?  How many are broken on January 2.  The hubby and I went to the gym this am. It was packed, of course.  Every year the same cycle happens. Gym is packed as the new year starts and within the first two weeks, the crowd starts to dwindle.  It affects the am more quickly, of course.  Most people do not have the ability to consistently get up at 5a to workout each day.  It is tough.  I would know.  I feel a bit silly since I am totally buying into the whole weight loss New Year's resolution list, but I really do want this to be the year that I get my weight right where I want it.  I recognize that I do not need to lose weight.  I know that and I am not becoming a freaky anorexic chick.  I am and will always remain a recovering bulimic.  Bulimics have a very hard time making the transition to anorexia.  We like food too much and feel we have better ways to maintain our weight loss.  I want to look better and simply get rid of some of the fat around my middle that I got as I have aged and gave birth to two children.  Also, it is a fact.  If I am lighter, I will run faster.  I want to run faster.  I need to run faster.  This is the year to make that transition, I feel.  I have to get the food addiction back under control, though.  That is going to be work.  Today I was 140.2.  I am hoping to be down to under 135 by the end of the month.  A pound a week is doable, I feel.  It just means that I have to workout in some form each day.  Rest days will be walking days now which is fine.  I can handle that, and Runner's World says that walking after long runs is good so I feel safe in doing that.  I think the hubby and family and I are going into the best year yet. I hope, at least.  I feel good about it.