I went to William and Mary

I never talk about that a lot and what a disaster it was.  I was not meant to go there by any stretch, but erasing my life there erases my life now so I can only want things to change so much.  I know that rationally, but I still struggle with the regret that I went there.  It was where my parents really wanted me to go.  I wanted to go to JMU.  That was my dream and my dream since I was 12.  I have never told anyone that I wanted to go there since I was 12.  I remember my parents sending off the deposit for William and Mary the minute the letter arrived from them accepting me.  It was a done deal right then, and the done deal was wrong for me.  It was too close to parents.  I know that now.  I needed more distance.  I needed to grow and become the person I was to become.  Going there delayed that happening.  I have so many regrets from my young adulthood.  So many.  I lost so much time and I hate that.  Time is limited as it is.  Once it is gone it is gone.  I will never get it back.  I want it back.  What bothers me more is that I am here also watching the clock go and wasting so much of this present time I have now.  What do I want to do?  I want the perfect body.  I do.  I had it once after I had my eldest daughter.  I had it then and I want it back.  What do I have to do to get it?  Eat right.  That is where I struggle right now.  I can only exercise so much right now with my injury, but no doubt I will be back in full force once it is completely healed which is days away, I truly believe!  It is the food addiction.  So as I go through each day feeling like I cheated myself in my 20's, the irony is that I am cheating myself now, and I hate that even more.  Regrets are exhausting and I have way too many piling up on a regular basis.  They are certainly very heavy!!

Tired.

So I am tired of feeling bad about myself.  It just takes over and sets in and I just cannot escape it.  First let me say that I am not depressed.  I am not feeling bad in the depression sense.  I feel bad about how I look.  I am reading a book about relationships by one of the world's biggest experts on relationships. The biggest benefit is that it helps me figure out why certain events in my life bother me so much and what messages from my youth they reinforce.  It has been great because I know more about my emotional issues now more than ever, but it does not stop the pain and the constant worry and questioning.  I may be more in touch with how events affect my emotions BUT the pain still persists.  I hate it.  I am just tired of feeling bad about my body.  It is exhausting.  Not to mention, why does it matter so much!  That part I still clearly carry from my youth.  I am trying to take control of my eating so that maybe I can stop feeling so bad about myself.  It is just so freaking hard.  I wish that I did not have to face food every again.  It would be a hell of a lot easier.  Yes, there are days that I wish I could be anorexic and just not eat, but the reality is that then the running suffers and I care a lot about the running.  It is part of my identity now.  I hate food.  I hate all food even my favorite food.  I hate it all.  Thinking about it most days is way too stressful.  Just too stressful!!  Will I ever feel good about myself?  Will I ever accept myself as I am and not worry or care? 
By the way, the one thing NO ONE ever talks about on those weight loss shows is the skin that results from weight loss.  Yep, we all end up with loose skin.  I lost 75 pounds when I was 26 and have kept it off for 11 years now, but the loose skin that results is depressing.  Some days I feel like I would feel better heavier because then at least the skin would not be loose.  No one ever talks about it.  Rather they hide it on shows like The Biggest Loser and others.  Very annoying. 
I am just so frustrated right now.  I want food to go away.  Far, far away!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Will I ever stop obsessing over it and be able to control it?

Been a long time

I had not realized how long it has been since I posted something.  Most of my thoughts have been a bit too personal to share with anyone or anything outside of my head.  I have gotten fat in the lats two months.  Well, maybe that is not true.  I have gained 5 pounds, and to go on record, I would never say in the presence of my daughter that I have gotten fat.  It is how I feel some of the time. No one around me understands which I find more frustrating than anything.  I have no one to talk to about it.  There is no one to understand.  That 5 pounds is so small but it is huge to me.  What it represents is pretty significant too.  I feel like I am always on a mission to lose weight and let me tell you.  That is pretty freaking exhausting.  When I am trying to lose weight, I am not feeling so hot about myself which bleeds into almost every other area of my life.  It has been a hard two months. 
As is typical, I find myself falling into a winter depression.  I was hoping to avoid it this year, but as we get further into January, it becomes more and more clear that it is settling in to stay, and I hate it.  I am counting down the days until spring.  We are under 70 now.  What scares me is that I am the thinnest in the month of March historically for the year.  If that is the case this year, what does it mean for the rest of my year?  Am I to gain more weight?  To really hit my stride running, it would be helpful to lose about 10-15 pounds.  The question is, can I do it?  I can stop the binge eating and take care of myself?  Sometimes it seems like it will never happen and that depresses me even more.