Sugar and Spice and well, things not so nice

I am progesterone challenged.  Estrogen, however, flows through me like the blood in my veins.  There is a lot of research on food and estrogen so I took the anti-estrogenic challenge and sure enough, well, maybe my estrogen is no lower, but I know that my progesterone is higher.  I have longer cycles and less bleeding in between those cycles.  Those changes are of huge importance to me, but the other changes are of a high magnitude too.  First, I rarely had zits growing up.  During the periods of high estrogen when it was spinning out of control, I pretty much had a recurring zit all of the time.  Every 3 weeks like clockwork, it would show up.  Now, it is gone!  My skin looks better than it did when I was 18 and it looked pretty good then.  I have fewer wrinkles in general.  My skin has that glow back.  I retain water a whole lot less.  I just feel better.  I feel more stable emotionally speaking.  The docs say that progesterone is the happy hormone.  I needed it desperately.  I truly believe, however, that is not just the hormones.  I really believe that these sugars we just accept as additives to our foods were part of the problem for me.  I am very careful now about added sugar.  Yes, I still eat fruit and know full well how much sugar is in each bite, but I am speaking specifically about the added sugars.  Almost everything including ketchup has sugar added in some form.  I know most peanut butters do too, but I have been on no sugar peanut butter for years now.  The sugary stuff is just too sweet now that I am used to just peanuts and a little salt.  All of that sugar was messing with me.  I occasionally have days where I have to revert back to sugary foods and the carb, flour laden food most of us eat (yes, I have given those up too for the most part) just from all of the traveling we have done this summer.  When I do have to eat a "normal" diet, I feel bad again and have hormonal ups and downs, and my stomach hurts for days.  Why the hell would I want to do that to myself when the simple answer is cut the added sugar and added grains.  Let me be clear, I am not all Paleo.  For me, those folks have it wrong too.  I eat one slice of bread a day (100% whole grain with no sugar added) and then I eat meat, veggies, fruit and legumes.  (The Paleo folks frown upon the legumes and slice of bread for sure!)  Maybe I justify the legumes and bread slice because of the running, but I do know with the distance running, I need the carbs.  It all works for me, and I like it.  I feel amazing, and let's be real.  That is a feeling I want for as many moments as I can get them for the rest of my life.  So for any hormonally challenged women out there, seriously, rethink the added sugar foods and the flour added carbs.  Yes, it is hard.  I see my kids eating Goldfish and I desperately want one, but not bleeding all month like I was before and feeling great and looking great are all worth it most moments of temptations. Not all...I am not perfect, but I am doing pretty well!  Last month's cycle was 23 days and I bled for 20 of them.  This month, I am now on day 39 with no bleeding in 3 weeks.  Yes, I know a 39 day cycle is not normal, but after bleeding so much over the last 2.5 years, it is a nice break that I welcome!
Not sure if it is the hormonal help or not, but I seem to have missed my normal end of summer depression this year.  I know it is only August 30, but normally it has kicked in by now.  Maybe we have been too busy and that is why or maybe the hormones helped or maybe I just have so many things to look forward to this fall and winter that I am ok with end of summer.  We have definitely stayed busy, and I have baseball back.  I will be sad when the season ends, but it really is such a short period of time from the end of the World Series until spring training starts and we have a lot going on in between so maybe it will not be so bad once the last game of the year closes.
I feel like I am finally coming into who I am supposed to be and find the things I am supposed to do. I just hate that it took me 38 years to get here.  I know most adults do not find themselves until they are 30-something, but I feel like it has taken me so much longer than most.  If I looked like this at 20 with the body I have now, I would have been dangerous.  So much time wasted, but I am working on not wasting another second now.  Life is too short to lament over lost time.  I just want to live life now.  Thankfully, I have a wonderful, brilliant and fantastic hubby to support me in that.  I support him too in that way.  For him, the sky is the limit.  I just wish that he believed that all of the time too.
I wanted to thank a 20 something yesterday who made me feel like I was 20 and the only thing that mattered at that moment.  For mothers my age, those moments are rare.  It was nice to be noticed.  I also want to thank a very kind, former professional baseball player who paid me a very nice compliment last night.  I left last night's game feeling good and happy and very much in love with my husband.  Hubby, I promise that we will figure it all out, how to break this vicious cycle.  I think we have made a lot of progress as it is. 
Hoping for post season tickets once the MLB season ends.  My fingers are crossed!  Go Nats!

Things have life..a piece of the puzzle

I have spend the last 20 years trying to put the pieces of my childhood together in some way so that it all makes sense.  I have circled around another piece of the puzzle for the last few months.  My mother always said, "Things have life."  She said this many times, but I remember it most in reference to a coin that came from her father who died when she was in her early twenties.  My mother is hoarder of sorts.  She just manages it better than most people with that illness.  She gives much of it away, but she keeps adding to her pile.  As I have mentioned before, she refers to me as a minimalist and not as a term of endearment.  So do things have life.  I do not believe so.  Things have memories and are reminders, but they do not have life.  People do.  My mother never took vacations.  She blamed it on my dad, but she was the real reason.  She never did much other than work and do yard work and clean and shop.  She was the reason for that too.  I live my life.  Maybe I do not live it to the fullest that I could, but I am working on that.  The reason I dislike being around her so much is because she sucks the life out of everything.  Her view of what has life is skewed.  Things do not live.  They only "live" through the memories and reminders we give them and frankly, some memories are not good and do not need to be remembered.  It is no wonder that my mother dressed me up like a doll until I was 10.  She wanted me to be a thing, something to manage, but she did not want me to live a life.  The honest truth is that I can never forgive her for that.  She took so much from me in doing that.  So much.  Yes, it all turned out just fine for me.  I have a great life, but I would have had a much more fulfilling life as a young adult when I was unattached to children and work.  I have a woman with whom I work who is from Japan and I admire her so much.  She left everything in Japan and came here at the age of 20 and made a life for herself here.  How brave!  I often wonder what her parents did to make her so brave and so not afraid to really live life at that age.  That is something back then that I would never have had the courage to do.
So what do I do now with this next piece of the puzzle and how many more pieces are left?  I would like to say that this piece will help me let go of more of my fear of living life.  I honestly hope that is the case.  I want to accomplish more and really become the person I dream of being.  I want to do more and worry less. 
How many more pieces are left, indeed! 

Life and other items

After about 10 minutes of trying unsuccessfully to get into my Ulta account, I gave up and moved over here.  Serious bummer. I really need some product and have no time to shop at work.  Oh well!  Maybe tomorrow! 
Life has been pretty crazy.  We have been gone a lot.  School starts next week so life speeds up and also slows down at the same time.  I have been thinking a lot of about those who suck the joy out of everything.  I think we all know people like that and have people like that in our lives. I have cut some of those people out.  Funny how that works. I have tried really hard to have a relationship with my sister and my parents.  I have.  It may not be on their terms, but their terms are not acceptable to me.  It means that they run my life and decide everything that I do.  That is not ok to me.  I love my mother and my sister, but I have to live my life and be the person I want to be.  Would I like them in my life?  Of course, but they cannot accept me for who I am.  They want me to be someone that I am not. I just cannot do that anymore.  I feel a lot of pressure from a lot of areas in my life for me to be someone that I am not.  I just cannot keep up that charade anymore.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot to be rejected by my family and yes, it is a rejection.  I have tried to meet them somewhere on their side, but too far over and it means giving up part of me, and I am just not willing to do that anymore. 
On another topic, I am not sure that I am made for trusting other people.  It just seems to be something not inherent in my make up.  Sure, I always hope for the best, but trusting is not something I do easily. I realized the other night that I tend to give too much of myself to others but that is the one piece I always hold back, and lord help you if you screw me at some point. Then trust is pretty much gone, and I am just not sure if it can ever be recaptured.  How do you move forward after a betrayal?  That is what I am left wondering.  How do I deal with the pain and wonder?  Do I accept the hand dealt to me?  I am tired of just accepting things.  I deserve better.  I just never thought so until these last few years.  I know myself more now so I know that I have worth and value to me.  Maybe not to anyone else, but for me, I do. 

Back from vacation

And a little depressed as always.  It just seems to always go by so quickly.  I remember thinking as we were driving out to our destination that it will be over before we know it.  So true.  I had a ton of fun as always.  My family is pretty fun.  I was sick for most of the vacation.  My body rejected the processed food that is pretty much your only choice at restaurants.  It was not good, but I got through it.  I think that the kids had fun.  It makes me pine away for some of our later vacations.  I love vacation but I hate it too because it gets me out of my routine.  I need routine to be able to really run and get through workouts on the mental level.  Those workouts have suffered, of course.  I am hoping to get back this week. It will feel good.  I want to work on speed since the dream of the marathon is gone this year.  I just do not have the strength or desire to put that much energy into it this year.  It takes so much and I just do not have the mental fortitude to get through it.  I am hoping that a focus on speed will be enough to keep me feeling satisfied. I have to fine some good butt routines to help my saggy tush.  It is not pretty.  I am trying to stay away from additional exercises, but I am not sure that is a realistic goal.  Time is such a factor for me.  I just do not have that much more additional time. Being a working mom, it is just tough to work it all in.  I could really use another 2 hours in the day...
Dealing with the vacation hangover today...trying to get the kids school supplies today.  Back to real life really quickly. 
I have set a personal goal for myself.  One that I will talk about more if I get through it in the next few weeks.  It is BIG!  I am hoping I can do it for at least a week.  It is tough so it will be rough.