December 21

I feel a sense of hope that I rarely feel in the winter. Part of it is that my favorite and least favorite day of the year has passed. I despise December 21 and love it. Why? It is the shortest day of the year. I hate it because it is so short. I love it because after that day, the days start getting longer until June 21, another day that I love and hate. I think things start to feel a bit brighter when the sun is out later. Now if we could just get some warmth. It also means that winter has started and once winter starts, it is only a matter of time before it ends. I am ready for its end. I am already dreaming of spring with green grass, blooming daffodils, warm days, and the sun just shining away magnificently. It always gives me hope. What 90 something days left now...I can make it.
I am a lucky woman, and I know it.

Little less than a month now

I have 26 days or something like that until surgery. I get more excited by the day. I actually contemplated canceling my surgery last week. (Long story.) It was during that time that I learned how much I really want to get this done. Thinking about canceling it seriously moved me to tears. I really want this. I need this. I want to feel young and sexy. I feel old and flat instead. I am worried about the kids during my recovery, though. Maybe this surgery will complete my 1/3 life crisis and I will be through it. Just hoping that I do not decide on a tummy tuck later.
I hate my scale. I weighed myself this am and it was 134.7. Then about 10 minutes later it was 136 so I moved it around and the weight varied, of course. I just need have a scale that does not change so I really know if I am losing weight. I figure that my weight is somewhere around 135 right now because the scale stayed around that (a few tenths under or over) as I moved it. So frustrating.
I am very much looking forward to the spring already. I will start my countdown after my surgery. We got snow yesterday. We actually got some earlier this week too, but yesterday's was more significant. I got to shove the driveway which is seriously one of my favorite things to do. I love shoveling snow. It was much more fun when we had a foot of snow last year. Yesterday's 3 inches was not as fun. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though.
I always get a little sad around the holidays. I can never figure out why. I think sometimes it has more to do with winter in general, but my favorite and least favorite day of the year is coming up, Dec 22. After that day, the days start to get longer which is a good thing!

As it gets closer

I get more and more excited for the impending surgery in January. Yes, I have about 50 humps to get through before then....son's oral surgery which is tomorrow, his birthday, his birthday party, Christmas with both sets of families, New Years, a station conversion, 6 FCC reports, and one EEO FCC report. It is a lot to think about it!
My husband said to me last night that he would not have me cancel surgery because he knows how important it is to me. I would cancel it in a heartbeat if I thought it would negatively impact my family in any way, but yes, it is very important to me. I enjoy my husband, but feel that I would enjoy him a lot more if I liked my body. Ultimately, I can live with the extra skin around my tummy, but not my breasts. It is tough to see great perky breasts everywhere and then see mine. It certainly makes me self conscious. I cannot hide my breasts in push up and padded bras from him. I want to be sexy and vibrant for him as much as for myself. I got married for life so this is it for us. It is a package deal. One of the questions on the implant board is why are you getting surgery. I can answer it honestly. I am getting surgery because I am 34 and feel 64 most days. I feel way older than my years. This summer I started to feel young and vibrant and sexy. Then I lost a little more weight and saw pictures of my breasts and felt old again. I want that back and I want it to be better than before. I figure surgery can help to give me back those feelings. Then maybe I will stop acting like I am 64 and live a little.
I am down to 136 and proud of it even though it is not where I need to be right now to hit 130 by surgery date. I never thought I could get below 140 and here I am. I am hoping to be 133 or 132 by surgery date and then lose 10 pounds by my birthday. I am realistic and while I do not like it expect to gain a few pounds post surgery so my goal is to lose it and then some by my birthday. 125 pounds here I come. Just hoping I will be back full at the gym by February, but that is another story...

Good reminder this week

First of all, let me say that I firmly believe in karma. I believe that for whatever reason, things balance out in life even day to day things. I try to be careful with some things because of that.
I had karma totally bite me this week. It was actually rather amusing in a way. You definitely reap what you sow.
I have a friend whose husband is having a difficult time right now. She said to me in way that I could tell made her uncomfortable, "I do not now if I ever told you, but he has mental issues." What most friends and people I deal with on a daily basis do not know is that as she put it, I have mental issues. I understood way more than she knew. Even just being me, I never know the appropriate way to explain how crazy I am without making me sound like a complete and utter nut. It is not that far out there. I am not dangerous or anything but that is where people automatically go when they hear "crazy" or "mental issues." There is definitely more of a gray area. Yes, I consider myself to be crazy. I do. I am, and I know it. I have known it for more than 20 years. I understood what my friend was telling me about her hubby this week. I know how close I get to that line that puts me over the edge to where I cannot really deal on a daily basis. Most days I am a good two feet away from that line, but some days, I get awfully close and it scares the hell out of me so I understood what she was saying and how her hubby felt. For people like me, we walk that line each and every day hoping that tomorrow we do not fall over on the other side. It is funny in that my mother always tells me "Oh, you are fine now." Or in regards to my weight, "You will never get fat again." Sorry, Mom. I live in today. Why? Because I do not know what tomorrow holds. Tomorrow I could decide to eat a whole meat lovers pizza and start the downhill slide back over 200 pounds. Or I could fall over that line and end up emotionally helpless again. I live in how I feel today because tomorrow's ground is never quite secure. Today is what matters and today I am thin and mentally healthy and ready for the challenges a day may bring. I hope my friends husband finds his way back. It is a tough road. I have been there more than once and know at some point, at any point, I could be there again. Just enjoying living in today since that is really all any of us have...

On my mind

I have had a little girl named Annabelle on my mind for the last several weeks. I like with her each and every day, but these last few weeks have been different. When I normally think about her, sometimes I cry, but most of the time I just tear up and am able to control the crying. Lately, I cannot. I just cry and cry and cry. Annabelle died over 5 years ago when she was two and a half. It was May 4, 2005. She was the daughter of good friends of mine. It hit me this past May 4 that my daughter was almost exactly the same age that Annabelle was when she died. Their birthdays are days apart. (What I have always felt is that my daughter was meant to be born on her birthday. I carried my daughter for 40 weeks and 6 days before they induced, and I remember at delivery my doctor saying that my daughter would have hung in there as long as I had allowed her. Another 4 days and they would have shared the same birthday.)
One thing I think about every now and then is Annabelle's father telling me about the night before Annabelle died. How they had sat outside (which kept her up late) talking about the sky, the clouds, etc. So many moments go by in our lives...so many moments that we wish away because we are so busy and so many other things to do. None of us will ever get another moment with Annabelle. How do you deal with that? I am still trying to make sense of it.

Amazing what a good workout does

I feel like a new woman. My day did not start off well once I got going, but we got through that and I am pretty sure (or hopeful) anyways that my children will now stay in the house when I direct them to do so. I feel a lot better now having had a normal workout...well normal as far as the first half hour. I skipped the second so I would not have to rush to get to my son's Thanksgiving lunch. I am glad that I did. The lunch was wonderful. I am so glad that I was there. My son was so excited and it was a really nice thing to do. I will definitely do it again next year.
Emotionally I feel more stable....less prone to crying which is always a good thing and less stressed in general. (And after the whole door thing with the kids this am, I could very well still be on edge but that is another story.)
My husband and I have a lot to work on. Somewhere along the way, we cease to really understand one another any more. That and well, he does not want to have to work to keep me. All a woman wants is to feel important and be wanted and made to feel that way. I never feel that way not in a deep emotional sense. Sure physically I feel wanted, but I truly feel that for most men, it could be a hole in the wall for all they care. Sometimes I give too much. I give everything that I am to work and my family that is why my am workouts are so important. That is for me and for me alone. I am proud of how hard I work. I am sure after lunch today, I will be back over the 137 mark, but I can live with that. It has been a good week despite the difficulties in my schedule. I am proud of that.

Amazing what stress does to you

This sounds like a good thing and I guess in some ways it is. Lack of sleep, my body being on alert 24/7...I am down to 136.5. I dropped over a pound in the last two days and that should not be so considering that I have not had the usual workouts I normally have as far as duration and intensity. A weight loss that extreme during periods when I am not working out as much kind of freaks me out a bit. At least I have an idea as to why for this loss. Oh well...6.5 pounds to go now...

Enough is enough

Fortunately, I do not have to go to work tomorrow. In the three days I was there this week, I have just had enough. Things that should not happen twice in a month happened twice in the last three days. I never even had them happen twice in a year before...I am left wondering about bad spirits surrounding me. Seriously thinking of burning some sage tomorrow.
It amazes me how out of whack I feel from missing my am workouts. It just messes with my head. Then I am not sleeping at night. That does not help. Last night the thunderstorm hit. I was praying harder than I have ever prayed before to keep my son from waking up. Praise God because my son did not wake up. Well, he did in between storms, but for a nightmare. Not working out, not sleeping. I am a mess.
I am a bigger mess emotionally. Some of the things I cannot even describe here. I keep everything so locked up so that I never get hurt, but I end up getting hurt in other ways because of it. I often think about how my sister's illness affected my psyche...if I was born this way or if the illness and circumstances arising from that contributed. I will never know. I see pictures of myself as a child and remember being so confident. I never feel that way now. It does not help that I work with men who let's face it (I am saying this about all men in general not just the ones with whom I work) expect you to justify yourself all of the time. Even my husband expects it. Is that me or is it what society does to women. Sometimes I want to go away, but goodness knows, I would never hurt or leave my kids. And then there is my husband....so much hurt and happiness all wrapped up into one big tangled mess. I am not easy to live with. I know that. I am not even easy to love. These days I do n0t even know my own mind. What is worse is that I cannot separate what is the result of lack of sleep which makes me crazy or what is the result of real deep hurt and if it is the result why.
You know I did realize one thing. It hit me like a brick yesterday. My husband did settle. His brother was right in the end, and I guess that is part of what hurts so much. My husband does not even realize it either because he is so blinded by love for me most of the time. He did settle. How do I deal with knowing that. I was not a choice. I was the only choice. Thank goodness for that because I have wonderful, bright children, but it is true. There were not exactly a lot of options, and he knew that. I was it. Not sure what to do from here. What to fix or what even is broken.

Just sad

Having trouble telling if I am feeling sorry for myself or if I really have something to be sad over. I have been really contemplating what is going on in my mind and why I am not happy. I have two great children. Ok today did not start off well. We got out the door quickly enough and I totally would have been on time for work but not for the traffic over that bridge. It was my daughter...well, it started with my son. He was very whiny as we walked out the door this am. I know he is sad and hurting. I guess that made it worse. How can I be mad at him for his behavior when he is sad. Then my daughter was ok on the way to school, but then we got there. As I went to leave to go to work, she wrapped herself around my leg, started crying, and yelled, "I want to go to work with you" over and over again. Her teacher had to pry her off my leg. I got back into the car and felt like bawling. It took everything in me not to burst into tears. I hated leaving her and hated it more knowing that we will go through the exact same exercise and emotion tomorrow.
I went to the gym today. I thought it would make me feel better. The gym usually gives me a chance to work through things in my head. I had a hard time because it was not my normal time. That did not help. My mind was not able to wander like it normally does.
Do you ever have doubts about things that you know are not doubtful? I feel that way so often. Rationally I know my husband loves me. I really believe that he does, but somehow I do not trust it. Does that even make sense? Maybe part of me really believes that no one can or should love me. Is that what is going on? I know I have severe trust issues. (Sorry Mom and Dad but a lot of it stems from my youth.) I keep going back to the fact that there is a difference between you are loved and feeling loved. I never really feel loved. I was thinking about my courtship with my hubby. He never had to work hard for me. I made it sooooooo easy. Too easy. I think in some ways I still do. He never has to work very hard for me. He would argue that he works hard to fold the laundry or vacuum the house on Friday afternoons, but that is not what I mean. I am not talking about working hard to try to please me. I mean working hard to keep me. It is never very hard for him. I am always here...waiting.
On a better note or maybe not depending on how I look at it. My daughter gave me a deep and long hug today when I picked her up. I felt even worse in some ways, but in others I was happy to be able to hold her and let her know that I loved her.

I am two months and 5 days out

from my breast lift and augmentation. Honestly I am not sure that I will be able to wait. I joined an on-line support group and it only made me want it now. It is not feasible in any language. My son has surgery this week, too much going on the week after, Thanksgiving is the week after that, then our holiday part at work the next week, and then the next two weeks of December will be spend preparing things at work for Christmas, the end of the year, and New Year's long weekend. After the New Year, I have one full week at work which will be a whirlwind and then surgery the next Wed. I am so excited. I find myself wishing time away which saddens me a bit, but in this case, I cannot help it. The good news is that scheduling my surgery has made me really work on my weight. I was down to 138.2 yesterday. (I did not weigh today.) I am hoping to be down to 135 by the end of the month, but my goal is really 132. I decided I want to get to 125 before surgery. I put on a size 6 fitted strapless dress that I bought this summer that was way too tight to wear before. It now fits really well. I look flat chested in it, though, because I cannot wear a bra with it! Too bad that once I get surgery I will not be able to wear it. It will be too small in the top!
Which leads me to my next question. How big do I go? I told both plastic surgeons I saw that I wanted to be proportional and not smaller than a C cup which is what I have been my whole life. One surgeon said he would put no more than 330 cc's. The doc I went with (because he took pictures and really spent over an hour dissecting them with me) said about 400 cc's and that he would move me into a D cup because my breast base is large. I am married now to being a D cup, but do I go a bit bigger? Part of my concern is if I go a bit bigger will it increase the likelihood that I will need another lift sooner? At first I thought I would just be happy with perkier breasts. Now I am not so sure. Am I going insane? Do I really want to have breasts that much larger? Everyone says when in doubt go larger? My hubby wants me to go larger.
The one nice thing about my surgery in January is that I am hoping it will get me through my normal Jan/Feb depression. I HATE those months. They are the worst. I get so depressed. It is cold, dark, and miserable. February is such a short month, but it always seems so long. I am hoping that in continuing my recuperation in those months, I will be less depressed and more excited about how I will look each day and once less clothing are needed.
Anyways, I wanted to thank my husband for fully supporting (emotionally and monetarily, of course) my decision to do this. Words can and never will fully express my appreciation. I never realized how awful my breasts were until this past spring. It made me sad. It is the one thing I cannot change through diet and exercise. It will make me feel a lot better about myself and therefore help make me more confident and probably less self concious about my age.

Bummer of a weekend.

Last weekend was so hectic. We just needed a nice quiet one. Not gonna happen. My 3 year old daughter is sick with the stomach bug. Yuck. It is so pitiful to watch her throw up. She is such a trooper about it. She does it right in the container I have given her for that purpose. Just got to keep my son from getting sick. He is having surgery on Wed to have some teeth filled. I do not want to move it again, but I am so worried he will get sick and then we have to cancel last minute and then pay then despite canceling. Plus I am worried that I will get sick now. I eat after the kids, and I really should not. I have quarantined my daughter in the living room for now. Hopefully I can keep the rest of the family from getting sick. I have sick kid duty. Hubby has my son out of the house!

Now that the decision has been made

I want it here like yesterday. I want to go into surgery today and start looking better now. How funny is that. The nice thing is that it is as if just making the decision to get a lift and implants has changed my life already. I get excited when I think of how I will look in the spring and summer months. I feel more confident already. How funny is that! I am not looking forward to the recovery, but I feel like it is such a short period of time. I got through the first few months of a newborn so I can certainly get through a few weeks of pain and such. The doc is going to make me a little larger which I kind of like. I was always content being a "C" but it will be nice to be a full "D." He says with my height and hips I can carry it. That is one other reason I now do not mind my hips so much. Yes, I used to hate them. I mean hate them. I have wide hips. I am one of those women who when I gain weight I get wider. Some women get round. Not I. I get wider like a pancake in part thanks to my hips. The less I weigh the more thankful I am for them because they will help me keep the shape of a woman which I want. I am really starting to feel my hip bones more and more which I really like. I would like them to be a tad more prominent. Now that I have schedule surgery, I need to lose the last 9-10 pounds and finally get down to 130. I have 10 weeks to do it. It is going to be really hard to lose a pound a week, but I think if I work really hard, I can do it. At least I hope. I want to be as thin as I can for the surgery. The last thing I want to do after surgery is lose weight and then have the same problem I have now. I can live with 139-140 pounds, but I think of how nice 130 would be. Oh, I will gain two pounds from the implants. Each one weighs about a pound so I need to account for that. Maybe 128??? Not sure that I will get there in time!!
I am off today and cleaning. Normally when I face cleaning, I feel good about it. Today I just feel overwhelmed. Maybe it is because the house is a huge mess. Stuff is everywhere. No one (including both my hubby and I) seems to get that we just do not have infinite room for crap. We got to figure something out because this is out of control. My hubby and I are doing better not giving the kids stuff all of the time, but that is more or less because my surgery is going to cost $10,000. Gotta cut somewhere and that seems like a good place since it kills two birds with one stone and keeps us from spoiling the kids further.
It was so funny. My hubby said yesterday that we seem to get the kid who is more like us in personality. I had to point out to him that everyone thinks my son is so sweet and perhaps a bit too sensitive, but so sweet, and everyone knows that my daughter is sweet, but a handful. I always get my son, and my hubby always gets my daughter. I thought it was funny. My hubby is a wonderful man, but sometimes he just loses his emotions over silly things. In all fairness to him, I can get worked up and go on and on about things that irritate me (just like my son!) We both deal with our anger in different ways. Mine carries on much longer. His has more of a bite but if over with faster. Funny how that works. The longer I am married, the more I see how couples end up getting divorced. It is easy to get caught up in the drama and the anger and the fights and let it carry on for days. It gets easier then to not talk about things which makes resentment much stronger. Sometimes when Jon and I are fighting all that I want from him is for him to hug me. It might not make the problem go away, but at least it reconnects us and maybe forces us to talk more rationally about things. Marriage is not easy, but no relationship is. How often does one get irritated with their parents, kids, siblings, etc. You just forgive your kids and parents a lot faster.
TGIF.

Made the decision and it is scheduled.

I scheduled the surgery. I found a doctor that I really like and am totally ready for the changes come this January. I am very nervous and very excited all at the same time. The doc is going to make me a little bigger than I was prior to the weight gain. I am on board with that. That will certainly be interesting. All in all, I feel it is a good decision. It will definitely be a change!

Crossroads

I am really at a crossroads in a lot of ways. First, do I get a lift and implants or not? I really want to get implants. We were watching a show last night, and it mentioned how the breast is how women identify themselves as women. Mine look like I am 80 years old. I am 34. I figured maybe just a lift then, but then I would end up with 36 B's at the most and my right breast is seriously smaller than the left so I would be left with two breasts that are different sizes and a lift would make that more noticeable. Really I think a lift with implants is my best option. I would not go huge. I want to look how I looked in high school. I had great 36C breasts. I will admit that they never really hung properly. They have always sagged. I guess that is the thing...now that I know how normal breasts look, I want to have normal breasts. I think the last time I had normal hanging breasts, I was in the 5th grade.
The other crossroads...I do not know what to do about my daughter. I do not mean the one that I live with. Yes, a dirty little secret (I have two secrets!) is that I had a baby when I was 16. I put her up for adoption with what I thought were two mature, stable people. Fast forward 12 years later. Nope, they got divorced, and it was pretty bitter. Now my daughter is failing almost half of her classes her senior year of high school. I watch shows like Intervention so I see the damage that divorce does to children which is why I will NEVER allow my husband to leave our family nor will I ever leave him. I will not do that to my children. I cannot imagine what a bitter divorce does to the children left behind. I see the remnants in my oldest child. She is broken, and I do not know how to fix her. The truth of the matter is that I cannot fix her. Her parents have to do it, and they are too busy aggravating one another. My own mother keeps saying that we can fix this. We can fix this. I want to know how. I do not know what the answer is. All that I know is that I see a broken child who needs therapy and a true voice and a chance to guide her life but also get truthful and helpful guidance from her mom and dad. So this is my promise to my son and daughter with my hubby: I will never allow you to waste your talents, youth, and intellect. I want you to be independent and ultimately learn how to take care of yourself, but I will make sure that lesson does not come at a price. I will make sure that I push you as hard as I have to so you are forced to succeed because success opens doors.

What to do. What to do.

I guess that it is never easy to make a decision regarding major surgery. This one, unfortunately, has long term implications. You are talking MRI's, issues with mammograms, the whole nine yards. If we had a ton of money, it would not be a big deal, but thinking about how much this can and will cost us over the course of the next 50-60 years is a bit overwhelming. It could affect other things too. Breast cancer does not run in my family but I would still like to be able to get a mammogram as needed as I get older just in case. I do not know what to do and have little help and support on this decision. Just not sure what to do. If I do it, I want to schedule it now. That is the big issue and that is just because I have a specific date in mind.
I have started rowing at the gym and I really love it. The only complaint that I have is that I am getting chaffing on rear end. I thought it was my thongs causing the chaffing. No, it is definitely rowing. I am going to try different versions of chaffing creams in hopes that helps. I really love rowing an do not want to have to give it up. I actually ran a mile today. It was the first time since the runner's knee episode a few weeks ago. My knee felt good so I think I am healed. At least I hope. I plan to run a little more tomorrow. It was such a crappy week. I need an outlet from work. Running will help. For some reason rowing does not seem to clear my head like running does. The best part about my workout this am was the nice sweat stains I got while rowing. I totally looked like I had peed all over myself. That was nice....

Guess that this all part of having a 1/3 life crisis?

I decided to do it. I am getting a breast lift with implants. I am so nervous and very excited about it. I did research on what I have going on with my breasts. I have breast ptosis. It is an actual condition and yes I realize that everything is now a days. When I heard the doc talking about the "degrees" of this condition and his nurse agreeing with him, I had no idea what it meant. Now I do. My right breast is almost considered severe. My left breast is moderate. Basically I have the breasts of a 70 year old woman, and I am half that age so I am going to do it. It is expensive, but it is worth it. I want to feel young and vivacious. I have not felt like that since high school and even those moments were fleeting. I want to feel how I am. I am still young, and I should feel that way. I am ready to feel that way. I have a lot of life to live so I am going to do it.
On another note, my garden was not a complete waste. I have about 12 loofah that I pulled off of the vine that I think will be good for sponges, and they are so big that I get 2-3 sponges per loofah. I am drying some now. Some I have already peeled. It is kind of fun.
My boss told me to day that his 4 year old nephew was diagnosed with leukemia. I am not sure if God is trying to tell me to cherish my kids and forget the surgery or if life is short and go for it. Need to think about that.....

A lift and implants

I am obsessed. I had my plastic surgery appointment, and I now want breast implants even more than before. The doctor described my breasts exactly was I would...deflated. My hubby said that I had the breasts of an old woman. That is how I would describe them too. I hate them. Now that I know what they could look like, I want it done like yesterday. It is very expensive and truly that is the main thing holding me back. It is money that could be better spend elsewhere. My hubby said that having had a severe acne problem he understands what it is like to have a physical problem that really bothers you so he is totally on board. I am still not sure. I think I would feel more my age if I got the work done. Most days I feel like a 50 year old woman. A friend at work who has had them done said that the pain for the first three days after the surgery is immense. That scares me a bit. I worry about losing nipple sensation too, and right now, I have plenty of that and would prefer not to lose it. I do not know what to do.
I am fixing up the house a bit too. I am painting here and there. I plan to paint every room. I feel like it might take me 2 years to paint and such, but I plan to be here 2 years from now anyways so I may as well paint.
I weighed 141.8 today which is exactly what I weighed last Saturday. If I could just hit 140 something...that would make me feel a lot better.
We are trying to figure out what to do about our trip to Disney World. I think my desire for breast implants may be clouding my judgment regarding the trip. I am not sure we can afford both. My hubby thinks that the kids may not be ready for this type of trip. I could tell he was hesitant when we started talking about it which was why I did not book the trip right away, I guess. Now I do not know what to do. We have never taken the kids away to a hotel overnight. I think we should probably start there maybe. My hubby wants to see how the kids handle characters too before we go. Not sure where to find characters around here short of spending a small fortune. We will see how it it all resolves.

Letter to my husband:

In typical Tiffany fashion, I have jumped to another major project in the midst of ending a smaller one...just I how I roll as you know. Life with me is base of extremes, some if wonderful and some of it maddening, I am sure. I guess I just thought I would be doing way more cleaning today. Not so.
I did not realize until last night how broken you really were when we met and through our young adult lives and even sometimes now. I was so absorbed in my own self pity, I guess I just never realized. I knew you had problems and guess I did know deep down that the arrogance and sense of superiority you held was a mask for a lot of insecurity. I just did not know how deep that insecurity went. I feel sorry for you now. I did not realize how much you hurt then. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see that of anyone else. I just knew I needed to break you down. Truth be told, it was a challenge at first that I reveled in. Then, I just did not think anyone else out there would love me. You were it. That was probably why I stayed when I should have not stayed after some hurtful things. (Will not dredge those up today. You know what they are.) I put up with your unkindness, and you put up with my insanity and went along with it. What a pair.
The irony that I realized today as I spent most of the day painting is that we met as two very broken people. I was crazy and just wanted someone to really love me. You were afraid to live and just wanted someone to show you life. But not for being broken, we never would have stayed together let alone get married. I firmly believe that now. Had you been not so hurt and insecure, you would have gotten fed up with the drama. Had I not been so hurt and afraid, I would have told you enough was enough and that I deserved better. Life may not always be easy between us and cold sores and "flooding" and illness make keep us from feeling close sometimes, but at the end of the day, we made it through the worst and grew together. That is what ties us together and makes our relationship what it is. We grew up together, fought our demons together and pieced ourselves back together with help from one another. I would not be the woman I am today without you. I personally feel like I am on the cusp of being even better and that is all with your help and love and support. Just ironic to me that we met as two very broken people and here we are...wonderful, loving parents. We are part of such a nice, normal family and we have a very normal relationship minus the fear, the hurt, and the drama. Some how we made it work and built something really great out of it. I am proud of that. I hope you are too. I love you very much. We are better people and parents because of our scars. I firmly believe that. I hope you do too.

Missed the gym this am

I missed the gym this am, but in my defense, I was up for a large portion of the night. I will not even get into those details other than to say that if someone breaks into my house, they will be dealing with me and not the largest person in my house, my husband, that is for sure...
I am kind of bummed that I missed it, but I figure I still get 5 days in if I get out tomorrow and Sunday which I will. There is a chance of rain in the forecast for Sunday but I am hoping it does not rain after all. Maybe it is for later in the day. I was 141,8 this am. I knew that I would go up a little since I sweat so much yesterday at the gym. I missed the rowing today most of all. I really enjoy that. I am hoping to get down to 140 by Tuesday or Wed of next week. I would really like to see the 139's by this time next week. It would be such a boost for me really. My goal is 138 by the end of the month. I made my Sept goal of 142.
My daughter is so cute. She is trucking around stomping her feet to "If You Are Happy And You Know It." Too cute.

Enjoying rowing

I started rowing this week and really enjoy it. I went from 12 minutes the first day to 15 the second. I did 16 today. I am trying to work up to 20 minutes a day. I am down to 141.3 so I am keeping my fingers crossed that I might see the 140's tomorrow. That has never happened before. That would be a big boost for me. Not as big as seeing a 1 and a 3 in the first two spots, but seeing a 140 even if it is 140.9 would be nice. I think that if not tomorrow than I can count on that happening for Saturday.
Well, we made the decision to move my son's daycare. It has been a very hard decision, but I think we have found a place that we like. When I initially went there, I was not all that happy with the place, but after getting a few more answers and talking with the director, I like it a lot more. My only issue now is telling his current daycare. I love them and I hate that he has to leave them. I also do not look forward to telling my son's best friend at his current school. Those two have been best friends for a while now. I know that they would be split up next year when they both go to elementary school anyways, but it hurts knowing that I am the cause now. I feel so bad for him and for my son. They are going to miss each other. I hate knowing that I will cause hurt for another child for a while. I know we will get the boys together and that his friend will eventually find another best friend, but I still find it upsetting. Poor guys. Being a mother is dealing with a lifetime full of guilt. Everyone keeps asking me if I have talked to my son about moving schools. I have, but I am not sure how much he really understands. I am going to talk to him some more tonight before bed.

Can I do it?

I finally made it back to the gym today. It felt great to work out. I used the row machine a little too which was different. All in all, I did a 65 minute work out. I felt great. My knew was a little tight after. I heated it and will heat it some more tonight. I still do not think it is a good idea to run for another week or two. I will rest it a little more. I am still getting a good workout in the meantime and taking my daughter for a walk on the weekends is quite a workout as it is. She weighs 36 pounds so pushing her is no easy task. Plus, I enjoy taking her with me. She gets very jazzed about it. It is kind of our thing. If it were getting warmer instead of colder, I would buy a jogging stroller. If she still likes it next spring we will get one.
I decided that I am going to my appt with the plastic surgeon next week. I think that we are going to put off the surgery until next October. I feel better about the decision. My hubby's loans will be almost completely paid off by then and we will have more savings from which to draw. Plus, I can save some money between now and then. At the very least we will re-evaluate in the fall and see where we are. In the meantime, I am planning to work as hard as I can to get to my goal weight. I set it at 130, but in reality, I would really like to be 125. That would mean 17-18 pounds which is definitely going to be much harder to attain. Honestly, I could live with being between 125 and 130. I really want to see how far I can go. I never do that. I talk about how I totally dive in to the extreme of things. Well, I do not do that with fitness so here it goes. I am going to do it. I am going to also do that half marathon next year. I am going to make it a resolution. Here it goes for me. Weight today was 143.3. If nothing else, I really want to get below 140. It would be a big boost to me to do it!

Better to live with less financial security if you get something you want?

I am toying with that question. The ultimate question is do I spend the money on breast implants? Or do we save the money. We have savings. More than enough savings for the surgery. We do not have a car payment or carry credit card debt. But I always worry, what if something happens. What if my husband loses his job? What if I do? Then we are left with breast implants when it would have been better to save the money. I do not know what to do. We could pay outright for them now, and then just keep saving...I never know what to do. It is not an easy answer. It would make me feel a lot better. Why? I see pictures of women and what they look like in bikinis or even lingerie. I look nothing like that because my breasts sag and sag a lot. I was a nice full C cup before I had kids. Sure, they were not the perkiest things in the world, but they were not like flaps of skin that they are now. I no longer feel sexy despite the fact that I work my tail off trying to stay in shape. I would take smaller breasts that were perky and at least maintained some shape over my empty sack like breasts. I know that implants will not fix everything, but they could and would make me feel better about myself physically. Make me feel younger and more vibrant I really feel, but then on the other hand, I would feel the need to watch every dime I spend and I am not sure I want to do that...
I am cleaning out the garden. It is an arduous task. I was without gloves so I did not feel quite right about just shoving my hands in some piles of brush and bush. I will hopefully finish it this weekend. I have way more loofahs than I thought. It is out of control!

My daughter seems to enjoy our walks

I took my daughter with me both today and yesterday which means that I did not get to run either day, but 1. I feel like that is ok because it rests my knee even further. 2. Trust me, pushing 36 pounds in a stroller as I am walking about a 15:15 mile is no easy task. I am definitely getting a full body workout. I like taking her with me, but I really need some time alone. That may be just enough to get me out of bed at 4:30am tomorrow to go to the gym which virtually NEVER happens on a Monday. My daughter keeps waking up before I leave for the walk/run. Any time that happens she is going with me. She likes to see the animals and other people. Yesterday we got to see the sun rise. It was beautiful. Today it rained on us for the last mile. I was a bit disappointed because I had to stop and get her covered with the umbrella and stuff and then we have the argument over how low the umbrella should be. It slowed us down a bit. I was pretty happy, though, when I saw that our first mile was done in 14:05. For pushing a child in a stroller, I thought that was pretty good. My knee felt good too and due to the sprinklers, we had to run a little bit. I am pleased overall,but now a little bitter that the sun is trying to come out...
142.6 again today which means that I have not gained weight so far this weekend which I usually do. My goal is to now hit 130 by my birthday since I will be 35 after all. That gives me 24 weeks. I figure I can do a half pound a week. My husband and I need to figure out the whole breast implant thing and what makes sense. We need to talk about finances and such and figure out what is left on his loans and such and then go from there. We still have yet to book our disney trip which makes me nervous. We always talk about doing stuff, but never do it. Maybe we were reaching too high. I do not know. We have a lot to figure out.

Tired just plain tired

Have you ever been just worn down. This is not the exhaustion I felt when I was mothering a newborn. That was the worst. This is just being physically and mentally tired. That was pure physical exhaustion. I realized today that I am just UNHAPPY in a big way. My hubby always says that I never do anything for myself. I always disagreed. I feel that I do lots for myself. I get up at 4:30a (yes torture to some--me included some days...) to go to the gym. That is what I do for myself. It is my time for myself to just lose myself in my thoughts and workout and I always feel better. I do not think that I ever go to work that day thinking, "I wish I had stayed in bed." In fact in the summer when I am up and out running at 5:30a (because it is sunrise which I love) I love coming home at 6:30, spending a half hour outside brushing the cat, and then taking a shower to start my day. It feels wonderful. I am too tired for getting up at 4:30a right now. My son's illness has kept me awake all night. Not to mention my daughter's general issues going on. I think she is out of sorts because of my son's illness and lack of schedule due in part to his illness and our crazy lifestyle over the last several weeks. Anyways, now I am truly left without something for that I do for me. I do not go to work for myself. I do not cook dinner for myself. I certainly do not shop for myself. It is what it is. I am hoping to get out tomorrow in the am. My daughter might wake up early again, but I figure if she does I will take her with me again. Personally I would prefer to go alone and listen to some music and lose my thoughts, but if I have to, I will take her with me. It was nice to have her on the walk, but I would really prefer some time alone.
My son is better. Read today that spasmodic croup tends to hit boys more than girls so it makes sense that Jackson gets it. We just need to figure out a way to keep him healthy and without a cold since those always set him off. This episode while bad was mild when compared with his last few episodes. We did not have an episode of stridor like we did the last three times. Those were very scary moments. I am just glad he is mostly recovered. Poor guy.
Here is to a good night's sleep. I guess I should not have had that CokeZero with dinner!

Fat girl

Today the fat girl inside of me came out. I was home with my sick son, and she came a calling. Normally I silence her, but today I gave in. I had ice cream. It was a wonderful peanut butter ice cream with mini peanut butter cups inside. Now, if Target had had my favorite, cheesecake brownie, I would have likely eaten the whole thing, but they did not so I got a one serving ice cream from Edy's. It was good. I ate lots of french fries with dinner too. The irony being that I rarely make french fries any more. I figured that the poor girl rarely gets to live a little. I was going to allow her to live a little today. Tomorrow is a different story. I have not been able to get back to the gym due to my illness and now my son's. I am planning tomorrow depending on how tonight goes. My son has croup and the problem with croup is that it is always worse at night. But if not tomorrow, then I will try Saturday. I will not likely run more than a 5k on Saturday. I need to get back into it slowly. If I do not get to test my knee tomorrow at the am at the gym, then I will likely just walk this weekend anyways. I think I am fully healed, but I do not want to risk re-injury. I ran up the stairs a few times today. My knee felt fine.
My husband claims he is drained from this cold. That is how I felt Monday. I told him that he would feel that way come Thurs or Fri. The good news is that it is downhill from that point. The bad news is that the recovery in general is slow. I hit the wall today at 4p. I was just too tired to do anything else. Granted, I worked my tail off this am cleaning the house and organizing the kids' toys while my son rested, but still. I am hoping to be completely back to normal tomorrow. I just want to feel energized and normal.
I feel like we contributed to Jackson's illness. We did not have him nap this weekend and he went to bed late both Fri and Sat night. I know he would have gotten the cold anyways. (We have all had it now.) I honestly believe that lack of sleep makes your immune system weaker. I really believe that with children. Anyways, I feel like sometimes we do not do our children any favors. We just need to do better to take care of our children and each other. We spend so much time worry about pleasing others instead of focusing on what works for us and for our family. We have got to fix that.
I have resolved my goals to get to 130 by my 35th birthday. I just threw up as I typed that by the way. I just realized that I turn 35 in less than 6 months. Yuck. I knew I was 34, but I guess I did not realize how close 35 is. (Ok actually for a minute there, I thought I was 33 and turning 34. Funny how you start denying early.)
Ok, I would like to point out to all of the fall lovers that my son (half of my family actually) is ill for the first day of fall. Trust me, it is an uphill battle from here. Tis the season of cold, flu, and illness...glad someone enjoys cold and flu season.

Another episode of croup and one grouchy child

And the grouchy child is not the same one who has croup....
This house is fun. My hubby is sick. My daughter is waking up early so she is ultra grouchy and my son is having an episode of spasmodic croup. Life is fun. I am feeling better that is the only consolation. If I could make it to the gym tomorrow, I would be happier. We all just need a good rest this weekend. Hopefully we will find it. Just some peace & quiet at home...I have some loofah to dry and peel so that will keep me busy and at home all weekend. I peeled my first one today. My loofahs are huge. The first one is Amie's from work. It was the first fruit I got. I peeled it and milked it tonight. I got a lot of seeds out, but there are many more to go. As it dries out more more seeds will fall out. I am pretty proud of it. It looks really good. I hope Amie will like it. We should get at least two sponges out of the one loofah. I am hanging another for drying right now. I just worry it will fall on someone's head and kill them. I keep telling everyone to go around where it is hanging. Once it starts drying, it will get lighter thank goodness.

I am tired of being superwoman.

This is by far the most run down I have ever been. It is pretty awful. The good news is that my knee feels better, but between the cold and way too many busy weekends (especially this one--I did not even make it to the grocery store) I am physically at my limit. I think that my body is revolting. It has just had enough. I just need some rest and a break. Summer cold are always the worst they say. This one has been bad and weird. It has gone through cycles. A few times I even thought it was over. Not so much. I feel better today, but I wonder if tomorrow I will feel more ill again. I never know. I am hoping to make it to the gym tomorrow. My test walk with my daughter this past weekend was nice. I really enjoyed taking her with me on my walk. I did miss having some alone time. Come to think of it...the only alone time I have had in the last 8 days has been in the car going to work, to the bank for work, to a store during lunch, the 20 minutes I get once I get home after to work where I am running around cooking dinner or going home. I guess I really need my am trips to the gym back and my am runs. I need that quiet peace. Lord knows that there has been no peace in this house in the last two months. We desperately need some peace.
Men make me laugh. How can a woman possibly feel amorous when she is completely run down. That is the irony of it. I told my husband this past weekend that he expects too much. I cannot do it all and then some. Doing it all is plenty enough I feel. Frankly, I am tired of being superwoman. I do not enjoy it. It is exhausting. Somethings gotta give....
I ran a little in the yard tonight chasing my son's baseball. My knee felt ok. It felt awkward. It did not hurt, though, so I am happy. Keep your fingers crossed it stays that way. I certainly am.

Today is the first test

I am walking this am. It will be interesting to see how the knee does. I had very few instances of pain yesterday so I am hopeful. I plan to walk today and tomorrow. I will start some squats on Monday and then hit the elliptical machine at the gym on Tuesday. I hope to be back doing squats and lunges both by the following Monday. I hope to be doing the rotating stairs sometime late next week and maybe even run next weekend. I feel like I have a good rehab plan. Hopefully I am right. I am very nervous about reinjury. This is miserable. It was mostly in my chest and the top of my head until late last night. Now it is in my head completely. I hate this part of not being able to breathe. I just want it to go away. It woke me up at 4am. Now I sit here waiting for the sun to come up. I work in TV, but early ams like this, I really hate infomercials when I am impatiently waiting for something else to happen so I end up watching Sports Center which would be, but with the volume off, you really miss a lot of what is going on. I'll tell you a secret that I tell no one else...I do not actually hate football. My husband will be very surprised to learn this. I hate watching football for hours on end, but I pretty much hate watching anything for hours on end. That is just me. I like the drama of football. I actually like the drama of sports in general. Football always has a lot of it. That is the answer as to why I tend to know more about sports than I should given the fact that I never watch it...I keep up with it through the internet and pick up enough from the gentlemen I am around at work and at home. Going to the gym too helps these days. Sports Center is on there at 5a. It is 100 times better than watching CNN which for a while only ran stories about the oil spill in the gulf. It was literally the same thing every night.
Why do I hate wathing anything on TV for hours on end? I do not have the patience. I always feel like I could be doing something else. Plus with sports, it can get monotenous. To me, it is all about the end result. It is not like a book to me. I do not really care for the most part how it got to the end. There are some exceptions, of course, but those in football are maybe what two games a week?? I love NASCAR, but I even feel the same way about that. I cannot sit and just watch a race for hours on end. I get bored. Aside from the drama in the race, it is really all about the end, isn't it? Of course, I am only really happy when Kyle Busch wins, but that is just me. Ask my daughter what we say on race day and she says, "Go Kyle Busch!"

Mad at myself.

I am mad at myself for having runner's knee. It is so frustrating not being able to run. I am resting it and heating and icing it. I plan to walk tomorrow and hopefully work back to running next weekend. Keeping my fingers, toes, legs, arms, etc crossed. I miss it, but at least I feel like I can at least go back to the gym and do things like the elliptical next week. I need to lose another 14 pounds. One thing for sure---I will never take for granted my body and what it is able to do. It is amazing so I need to take care of myself and it. I am definitely doing a half marathon next year. I am planning on doing the one in August, but if I can find one close before then, I am there. I am definitely running the 10k in Ashland. It is a few weeks later next year. I am looking forward to it already! I just hope and pray that my knee will heal fully with no more issues. I plan to take very good care of myself going forward, trust me.
I made the appointment with the plastic surgeon for the consultation on the breast implants. I am thinking maybe doing it this time next year. Jon will need to take off a few days with me. That needs to be carefully planned and I would really like his mom to come stay here with us to help with the kids. We will see how all of it works out. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I think that the cost is going to be too much for us, but we will see! I just want to look better in that realm.

One leg injury later...

My knee right knee is killing me on the outer side of it. It is ok if I am walking until I rest it for a while or go up or down a stair. Then it hurts like hell. When I am just walking for any length of time it is ok. A co-worker thinks I should seek medical attention. I just feel like a doc is going to tell me to rest it, ice it, heat it, etc which I am already doing. I am just hoping it is better tomorrow and that maybe I can hit the gym by Wed and then run again by Saturday. Maybe I will not run and just walk. Maybe I will take another week off from running. The crazy thing is that my quadricep muscles still hurt...go figure. It has been two full days since I did regular squats and lunges. My muscles must be shredded in my legs or something.
If I recover from this episode in the next week or two, I am going to do it. I am going to run a half marathon. I probably will not have enough time for this one in November, but maybe for an early spring one or the August one if I have to wait that long. I am going to do it because I can run. I am now a little more thankful (ok, a lot more thankful) for the ability to run. It is a gift. I need to remember that.

10k today was a failure

I figured that I have done a 10k a few times before so why not try it today. I did 5 miles last weekend so I figured I could do a 10k. I barely made it 5k. I had to walk the 5th-6th kilometer. I ran again at 6k to 8k, but then knee pain hit and I figured I should stop. I tried running again at 9k, but the knee pain was too bad by that point. I just could not. I am very disappointed.
I talked to my neighbor today about the soreness I continue to have in my thighs each day even though aside from my am workouts (which I have been too tired to do daily--I am lucky to get 3 in a week) I do 30 squats and lunges a day. My thighs this week particularly have just not recovered at all. They were still sore up until yesterday. I did about 10 squats yesterday and no lunges and none of either today. He said, and he would know, that this kind of soreness is usually nutrition related. He mentioned protein. I do not believe that there is an issue there, but maybe I will eat a few more servings of protein. I believe that the issue may be more iron related. With the heavy periods I have been having, I do not think that it is much of stretch to say that I might have iron deficient anemia. I actually have a lot of the symptoms which is funny because I thought those symptoms were due to estrogen dominance. They still could be. Without true hormone and hemoglobin tests who really knows. Apparently, though, a lot of women who have estrogen dominant problems have issues with anemia due to the "flooding" some experience. I experience the "flooding" each month and have for about 4 months now. It is getting better, but it is still VERY heavy. I also changed our diet from a lot of red meat to chicken due to my hubby's cholesterol problem. That is a recent change that could affect my iron levels. Here is to eating more spinach and beans. Thank goodness I like them!!!
Well, the secret reason why I wanted to test myself on the 10k is because I am seriously considering doing a half marathon in 9 weeks. With today's failed run, I have serious reservations now. I never challenge myself. I want to challenge myself. Every day at work is a challenge, but that is different... I want a real physical challenge. I was never an athlete. I will likely never be one, but I can run and like to run so why not challenge myself in that arena I figure. I do not know what to do....time will tell, I guess. I have another 2 weeks to decide...

Always get a litte depressed

I am very bummed not to be at the Nationwide race tonight. I always get a little sad over the September race. Why? Because it is like the close of the nice, summery weather for me. The spring race is the start of that weather and then the September race is the end. That is probably why I prefer the spring race... So I now have depression on depression. Not a good combo. I have felt very dissatisfied lately. I am just not satisfied with my life. I started to really evaluate a lot of thing in it trying to figure out how to fix it or what I could do to change it. The heart of it is that the dissatisfaction really lies with me. I am not happy with myself. That starts to bleed out into other things, of course, so I have to stop the bleeding where it starts. Will breast implants fix the bleeding? Will losing another 15 pounds do so? There is always something a woman wants to fix so where do I start and then where do I end? It is a bit frustrating too because here my husband gets better looking with age, and I just look older. I do not know the answer but I wish I did. Part of me wonders if this really is just the winter blues coming on early or if I really have an issue with myself. I hate to hear everyone talk about how wonderful fall is. It burns my tail. Oh yes, it is great. It is 55 in the am so you have to wear long sleeves or a sweater, but by noon, it is over 80 so you are sweating. The leaves start dying. Sorry, any season associated with death just does not sound appealing to me, but that is just me. Fresh fruit is not so fresh and not so good. Our bodies start storing fat more and our brains make us eat more in order to store more fat in preparation for the winter cold. The days get shorter fast. What is so freaking great about the fall?? In my view the only two good things are pomegranates and Halloween and even Halloween has a minus because it makes us fat and sugar addicted. I try to find a few things for which I am grateful each day. The fall makes it tough, but I will try for at least three today...1. Pomegranates. I bought my first two of the season today. 2. A magical moment where I learned how brilliant my son really is. I knew he was smart, but he is way smarter than I thought. 3. Moments of peace and quiet with my sexy husband. (I'll even go for four today.) 4. Firmer thigh. I have always hated my thighs. Now not so much. They are really changing shape.
Perhaps it is just the early beginnings of the winter blues after all....Here is to a warm fall and a short, mild winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My son

Yesterday's log was about my daughter so I only feel that it is fair to talk about my son today. He is pretty amazing too, but in a different way. He is smart in his own right, but it is his sensitivity that makes him exceptional. He will not be a wimp...he is not that sensitive, but he pretty in touch with the feelings of others. He always has been even at a young age. He is a lot like me in a lot of ways. He gets people. I have always felt that was a gift. It is a gift for him too. He will make a wonderful husband one day. Other kids are also drawn to Jackson. It is not an overt thing, but kids like him and like to be with him. At parties, he tends to shy away from other kids. My husband thinks it is because he is not very social. I think it is because he is more independent. My son is at daycare all day every day and the kids love him there. My son does not feel the need to be in the center because he often ends up that way at school. He is a pretty child too which I think is part of the reason why other kids are drawn to him. He will be a very good looking man, I believe. I have always said that my son will rule the world and my daughter will tell him how to do it. It is very true.
Tiredness has kicked in. I did not want to get out of bed this am. I am tired and in need of rest. I am hoping to get a nap in today...

My daughter

I think she finally did it. She has given up paci's. We will see if it sticks, but the "paci fairy" came and left a pool for the kids to play in. My daughter did ask for a paci when we came in the house for lunch as she crawled up on the couch and under a blanket to get warm, but when I told her to remember that the paci fairy came and took them, she seemed ok with that.
I ran 5 miles this am. I ran to my boss's house and back. The last 4 miles were very tough, but I did it. I got through it. I had a stitch in my right side and some female issues going on, but I got through it. I kept telling myself it was a choice, and I choose to keep running....I hit 141.1 this am. So freaking frustrating. I would just like to see 140 point something. It would give me such a boost. Well, not as big of a boost as seeing 139 even if it is 139.9, but still. 140 point anything would be great. I always gain a pound or two over the weekend (and then work it off and then a few ounces over the week) so I doubt I will see it tomorrow. I am still trying to be REALLY careful today just in case I might see it tomorrow. I just always eat so much better during the week. Maybe if I run 5 miles again tomorrow....do not think that will happen, but then again, I did not expect to run to my boss's house and back this am. I just got it in my head this am and it stuck.
My daughter is amazing. I know that I say that all of the time, but it is true. She is beautiful and brilliant. I hope the beauty sticks. The brilliance will. She definitely got the best of the brains of my husband and I. I forget she is two sometimes. I know people see my kids together and think that I had them back to back. They are 22 months apart in reality. My son is large too, but not like she is. I tell them that one day I will be the smallest person in the family depsite being 5 ft 7 inches tall. I believe that is true. Both kids will grow larger than I am one day. My son for sure, but I believe my daughter will too. She is a large two year old. My son is a large 4 year old too.

My karma is upside down

I am not sure what I have done, but I have had the worst karma this week. Every other day I have had a major disaster at work and then on the days in between, minor problems. I am starting to wonder what I did. I feel like I need to burn some herbs or something to release the bad karma. I ran over a squirrel last week. I had a choice. I could either slam on my brakes with both kids in the car or hit it. I honestly thought it was going to retreat too so I chose not to slam on my brakes. I am pretty sure I hit it and killed it and am now left wondering if that is the reason for my karma.
I am ready The Gift of Fear right now. It pretty much justifies how I feel on a daily basis. I am equally leery about everyone. My husband always mocks me for it, but the author claims that I am right to be leery, and that despite popular beliefs, there are no safe places in the US for women. I am going to make sure that my children are protected. That is my main reason for reading this book and the other book I got, Protecting the Gift. The statistic is that 3 out of 4 women will be affected by a violent crime at some point in their lives. How scary is that? Makes you want to be a man....
I hope my sister is ok. She live on the sound north of the Outer Banks. I worry about flooding for her beautiful house. She said yesterday that the kids were excited about being able to swim and tube down the streets. I am more worried about her house. Hopefully they will be ok.
I feel like I have made better choices all. I went to the gym Tu-Fri of this week and have not had one screaming match with the kids. I have managed to be a calm parent even when situations were frustrating. I think my kids are happier and calmer too because of it. It just makes for a happier family all around.

Happy September 1

I did not meet my goal for Sept, but I am determined to meet this month's goal which is now a bit loftier since I did not meet August's. September always depresses me a little. This year I am determined to face it with excitement and not be depressed.
I realized the other day as I yelled at my two year old daughter because she refused to go to the restroom before bed that I am totally failing in my determination not to yell at my children. Do not get me wrong, I am a firm believer in discipline and consequences, but yelling should not be a consequence or a punishment. When my son yells at me, I need to take responsibility for that behaviour. I do not want to be that mom. I am better than that and should be better than that. I have spent the last two days working on it. I have done pretty well and hope to continue. Every time I want to yell, I just think what is the big deal. So what. She goes to bed 10 minutes later or he gets 2 more minutes of playtime. Ultimately both kids are good kids and listen for the most part. I tend to face life the same way I deal with my kids. I lose patience and get frustrated easily when honestly I should just ask myself what the big deal is. I find people, myself included, spend so much time being annoyed and wanting things to be different or a situation to be different or to be right in general that we no longer enjoy any moments in life. Everything is bland then and each day has way too many downs. It takes a lot of ups to continually fight that many downs especially when most downs are self imposed. I do not want to be that person. I have a choice is what I feel. I can choose to be different. All of that easy goingness that my husband talked about months ago has washed away, and frankly whatever made it disappear is not worth it. Frankly, I want it back, and I have that choice. It is on me.
I made that choice this am. I did not want to go to the gym. Between my son waking up from a nightmare at 11:45p, my hubby waking me up at 12:45a and then just waking up at 1:55a, I was exhausted this am, but I had a choice at 4:35a. I could get up and go to the gym and feel better that my day started well and productive and that I was taking care of myself or I could go back to sleep and then beat myself up for the rest of the day. I choose to go to the gym. It was a good choice.
The fluff book I just finished reading is all about choices. It definitely gave me food for thought, though. I choose who I am and what I do. Today I choose to start my day off right which hopefully will translate into a better day.

Summer is ending...

The days are getting shorter. It just depresses me. I love the fact that it is in the low 60's when I go for a run on the weekends, but I hate that I have to go out to run so late due to the later sunrise and I hate that it is getting dark so early. I know it is 8 o'clock, but still... Everyone talks about how wonderful the fall is. What is great about it? It gets dark earlier, it is a precursor to the cold, and everything starts to die. Yeah sounds perfect. I like the spring as the northern hemisphere comes to life. It just puts me in a better mood. I have something to look forward to this winter, but I still find it hard to cheer for the season ahead.
I am working on getting back to taking better care of myself. I was down to 141.3 yesterday. I will miss my goal of 140 for the end of August, but admittedly, I have not worked very hard this month. I am going to really try to get back on the train now. I ran almost 5 miles yesterday. It felt so good. I love running. I forget that when I do not run frequently. I am eating fairly well. I am going to work really hard this Sept to get down to 135 by the end of the month. I usually give myself about 3-4 pounds to lose each month, but I never stay on track so I am going to be ambitious and see if that motivates me. It really is in part about how I look, but there is a large portion that is health related. I want to be healthy and feel young and vibrant. I want to be able to do things with my kids and chase them and just be the fun mom to them.
Speaking of my kids, I do not talk about it a lot but my daughter is amazing. She is brilliant. That is already evident. She really counts...she does not just go through the numbers. She counts. I think it makes her a more difficult child in that she knows exactly what she wants and does not care how you feel about it. She knows she is right and that is it in her mind. I love her to bits, but she can be so frustrating. Her birthday is in October so my husband and I have to figure out what to do about school. Do we send her to a private kindergarten at age 4 and then put her in first grade in public school the next year? Or do we keep her back with her age group but then make her a lot older than most of her classmates. If she were not so smart, I would not worry about it, but I do not want her bored. I want to make sure that she is stimulated properly. A big concern about putting her into school early is Jackson. How do I deal with him being only a year ahead of her in school? It is a lot to think about. That is what I hate being about a mom. You make hundreds of decisions and hope that each one is the right one for your kids. Still have a tough time both days believing that I am a mom.

Weird workout am

I go to the gym. I am doing well on the elliptical ski machine whatever it is called. I go to run and the treadmill is not working so I left the gym. All of the other treadmills were taken (product of it getting lighter later I believe.) The rotating stairs were all taken too. I wanted to stay but honestly I could not face doing more elliptical and I really wanted to run. I came home and did some weights and push ups. I really want to fit into this dress that I bought for this weekend's dinner. Right now it fits like a glove which I like, but I would also like to be able to sit down while wearing it and that is not going to happen as it is now.
I need to talk to my husband about something without him getting all mad. I am honestly not 100% sure how that is going to go. Once he gets wind of the topic, he usually gets all worked up and everything and immediately dismisses my concerns or just throws his hands up and says, "Fine I will not do it." I wrote the blog the other day about how I feel rushed all of the time. He commented that he agreed and now he plans to add two more things into that feeling of being rushed....just silly, but what do I know. I am an expert on packing as much into 24 hours as I can, but like I said, what the hell do I know.
I am feeling bad about my body again. I am thinner than I have been since my junior year of high school, but these bad feelings keep creeping in. When I look at myself naked in the mirror all I see if the flab around my middle and on my thighs. I was surprised to see that my thighs at worst are a half an inch smaller than when I measured in May. The same thing happened with my hips, but that did not make me feel any better. I feel like all that I see is flabby skin. It depresses me a bit as hard as I work out...well, on those days that I do not bolt out of the gym. SO mad about that. If it were not so dark at 5:40am, I would have run outside. I love running. I did not realize how much I missed it until I started running regularly again. It was those long distances that were killing me. It was fun and challenging to see how far I could go, but it made me hate running which was a shame because I really enjoy it. I'll never run a marathon, but I can do 5 or 10k's on occasion. I am going to do an 8k this fall. It is a pretty hilly route, but I think I can handle it.
So tired all of the time. I am relieved that I get a break this weekend from the kids. I still will not sleep in on Saturday. I will definitely get up to run probably at the gym as dark as it is that early in the day, but it will be nice to be able to get back in bed with my husband without worrying about kids and also not have that stress of getting everyone up and out the door for breakfast. Next weekend we have my daughter alone. I look forward to that too. I enjoy special time with her like that. She revels in it too. It will be nice to take her to dinner and breakfast alone and just spend time paying attention to her. I wish that I was able to do that with my son sometimes, but he is older so he gets the special treats out a little more than she.

To my wonderful husband,

I wanted to explain a few things more depth regarding some of the things we talked about last night, and I want to do it without 50 interruptions from the kids so today my blog is for you. (I tried writing it out on paper, but I think way faster than I write and type too, but at least you can read this.) Anyways while I was running this am, I was thinking about you and what you said last night about how when we have had traumas in our marriage, we have come together. I dismissed you saying we have not had any. I was in a negative mood last night, and I apologize for that, and I was wrong. Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs. We dealt with the miscarriage, yes, which was devastating to me, but I see that bright light who comes into our room every morning and calls me momma, and know in my heart and soul that he is the child we were meant to have. He is going to be a wonderful man one day. I already know that and am so proud of it. I would not go back and want that day changed that day in our life ever. I would wash myself in that pain again and again to see him smiling every day.
We also had to deal with your possible job loss and for me, that was terrifying, but I got through it because I realized that as long as I had you and the kids, I could live anywhere and do anything. It did not matter at the end of the day. It still does not. I love this house, but I want you and need you and the kids. That house is just a shell.
I think when I think terms of the most difficult time in our lives together, I think of the time before our marriage. I think about you as a 23 year old kid not knowing what or even who frankly you were going to come home to each day. How awful that must have been. I carry the burden of that every day still. I never doubt your love for me because of that time. You could have and should have said, "I am done. Get your life together and then call me." You did not. I know it was because you were in love with me and that just was not an option. It took a lot of courage and just tenacity to continue to love me and want to be with me because you sure as hell were not getting a lot back in general.
The bottom line in our marriage is that we were very young when we got married, so we grew up together. Think about how much we have changed and how different we are. Our relationship has changed so much in the 11 years of our marriage. I feel that it is marriages that stay stagnate that have issues and ultimately fail. I think the reason I get frustrated when someone gives us marriage advice is because I want to look at them and say, "Been there, done that. You have no clue what has gone on our in short lives together and we got through it so I am pretty sure we will be ok." It is just how I feel. We will get through it, and we will get through what is going on now too. I know you feel it--my slowly pulling away that is. I need you to be there for me. Without that, I cannot trust, and if I cannot trust I cannot fully immerse myself in us, and I really want to do so. The last few months have been wonderfully amazing. It has been been glorious, and I would much rather immerse myself in the glory of being completely and utterly in love than just getting by each day as husband and wife and parents to our children. I love you so much. I look forward to every day of the rest of our lives together and all of the wonderful things we will do as a couple and with our family. We are lucky, and I know it.

Today started off weird

I like my schedule where I get up at 4:35a rather than 4:40. I feel less rushed when trying to get to the gym. I have made it more than normal this week. I was ready to get there today when I heard some commotion on our back porch. I turn on the light and see Beckham, our cat, looking at me. I figure she scared off some animal and think no big deal. I am getting ready to leave and I hear it again. I look out and she has a possum cornered on the porch. I proceed to spend the next 20 minutes trying to get the possum off of the porch which include coaxing her inside. (She is very fearful in general so once I got her in, she walked around crying.) It just started my day off in a weird manner. I definitely could have made my way to the gym after that, but I hate going late and frankly figured that the whole debacle was a sign to just stay home and read or get some work done so I did. I wanted to run today, but I would have felt rushed and I hate feeling rushed. I feel like I spend my whole life feeling rushed. Missing today will not kill me. I still have Fri-Su. As long as I work out 5 days a week I feel good. I need to really work on my diet. I really want to wear the skin tight dress I bought a few weeks ago. It is strapless and fits like a glove, a too tight one right now. It would look really good if I could lose a few pounds. It is almost there. I am eating too many nuts. This period this month really bloated me which is not helping the matter. I am trying to eat well to make up for it. The salt on the damn nuts are killing me.
I find myself getting depressed a bit early this year. I am alwys depressed when the fall comes because it means that winter is not far behind, but this year, I find myself getting depressed early. We still have several weeks of summer left, but fall and winter just seem so close. Maybe it is because I am up at 5a so I know that the sunrise is well after 6a now rather than the 5:30a it rose at the height of summer. I do not know, but I know that I hate feeling this way.
I realized over the course of the last few weeks that my hubby and I do not talk. Yes, we talk to each other, but we do not have discussions about things that matter. When I bring up something important that needs to be discussed or that I need to work through with myself or my family, it just gets shoved under the carpet. I brought up something yesterday and there was a brief discussion, and then sure enough, nothing else on it. The issue is still unresolved. It is a heavy burden to have to take on the stress of the entire family alone while trying to keep my own head afloat with my own issues, and since I have no clue what the hell is wrong with me, that is stressful enough. My period was similar to last month with a light first day, extremely heavy second day, and then a light third day. Today is the fourth day and if it is like last month, it will be light, I will have one more day of light bleeding, and then it will be gone. The only change is that yesterday was light bleeding versus the spitting I was getting on day 3 last month. Do not know if that means that anything is getting better or not. My temp was off today too. My low temp pre-ovulation is always 96.8. Today it was 97.18 which is strange. I do not think I ovulated--although it is not unheard of for women to ovulate during their period, and Lord knows how messed up my cycles are. I just want to be normal and have normal periods. My body is off and I just want to know how off or sick it is, how to fix it, and if it is something that has larger implications than just my period.
I still do not know what to do about my son's cavities. Do I let them sedate him to fill them? A child died her last spring while getting a similar procedure. The airwy seems to be the issue. My son could have airway issues. My hubby thinks it is "cute" when my son clears his throat. I do not think it is cute or ironic or think that it is because my son is trying to get our attention. He does it too often and too many times in a row mid conversation for that. I think that there is something going on there. That worries me even more. So easy to be a dad. Such a burden to be a mom and spend every moment of your life racking your brain to make the best decisions for your family to protect everyone. It is exhausting. No wonder I am so tired all of the time...

Disappointment

My jardale pumpkin vine has totally succumbed to disease. It looks terrible. There are a few pumpkins remaining on it. I am tired of pulling bug eggs off of it. I am ready to destroy the vine. It looks so sad with dying, fried leaves and all. I would be lying if I said I was not disappointed. I was so proud of that vine. It was a gorgeous sea of emerald green. Now it just looks crispy and wilted. The hot dry summer added to its misery. The only bright spot this year has been the loofah. The vine is about 40 ft in length, and it does not look like it suffers from the same issues as pumpkins do. It appears to be a little hardier. Because the vine is so long and there is only one fruit on it, that fruit is HUGE. I mean HUGE. It is about 2 ft in length. It looks like a green baseball bat. I cannot wait to let it dry out and peel it for a sponge. I need to research on when to cut it off and peel it. I did make a decision, though. We are not going to grow any pumpkins next year. We are going to let the disease dry out over the course of the next two years. It will also keep the squash bugs and vine borers away. I am hoping the vine borers will die out altogether after wintering over and finding no vine to bore in. (The loofah is way too thin for vine borers.) I do plan to do some more peppers (a more varied bunch since we do eat them,) tomatoes again, and some loofah since I like the results we got this year. That will probably be it.
The other bright spot in the garden....the dill. I was upset because we had black swallowtail caterpillars a few months ago on the dill that the bird ate. Well, we have a new batch, and they are doing beautifully. Some are an inch long and just gorgeous. I like to think that their mother was the swallowtail butterfly I found dead on our porch when my cousin passed away. It makes me feel better to know that she goes on and that I am watching her babies grow and makes me feel like Brian is doing ok. The concept of doing ok is weird for me because I am not really sure I believe in heaven or any form of an afterlife. I like the idea of it, but not sure that I believe it practice. Are there really angels out there? I ponder that question every now and then. I do not know the answer. It is just tough to believe that once you are gone, you are absolutely gone because life seems so real. Man's eternal question of why are here? Science would have you believe it was just chance and it could easily have been just another life form. Is that true? I know that in my small way, I am here to raise my children and be a wife to my husband. I believe that is why I did not die when I probably should have. In some ways I feel like I have always known the three most important people in my life even in my youth. It was like somehow they were always there with me. My son would like that idea. He is such a gentle soul. My daughter is probably more like me than I would like to admit, but she definitely has her father's temper. I wonder what kind of adults they will be. I know my daughter will be ok, but my son I worry about more. He will be easily wounded. I just hope that life is good to them always.
My hubby's new "work on my high cholesterol" diet is working for me too. I might just totally fit into that ridiculously tight dress I bought for our anniversary. I was down to 141.5 yesterday. My goal is to just get to 140 in the next 2 weeks. I plan to hit 135 by the end of the year and then evaluate where to go from there if I really want to try to get down to 130. We will see...

Not sure what to do or how I feel

I am going through a very tired phase again. I am getting no less sleep than usual. Not sure why I feel this way. Part of me is hopeful that I ovulated and am just reacting to progesterone for the first time in a long time. I have decided not to use the cream this time since I have been temping and it appears that my temp is up and it is the progesterone that raises your temp and keeps it there after ovulation.
The other jardale pumpkin that I cut is rotting. I am so disappointed. I do not know what I did wrong or how I could fix it. I am really starting to wonder about how successful home growing pumpkins is. My vines keep getting mosaic virus from the squash bugs and cucumber beetles and squash beetles. It is pretty depressing. I worked so hard to grow the vines and water them and just take good care of them and then this happens. It makes me crazy. I removed my regular pumpkin. It got 3 pumpkins off of it. One was of normal size. The other two were small. It was no longer producing female flowers due to the mosaic virus. The jardale is the only vine producing female flowers and I watch that one pretty carefully and remove what pests I can. On a good note, the loofah is growing well. I have one full loofah fruit. I am pretty excited about it.

Pretty Depressed.

I thought for sure I was going to ovulate this month. Looks like the same thing that has been happening for the last two months happened again. It looked like I was going to surge and then no surge. I got close to that "dark as" line on an ovulation test, but then it went away at the next check. I tested 7 hours after the almost as dark as for those of you who might tell me that I missed seeing the surge. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I am thoroughly depressed. I just want to have normal hormones. I wonder if I am being punished for something if that is why I am having such issues. I have always had weird cycles, but I always ovulate when I am off the pill. I just want this imbalance to be fixed and fixed yesterday. I just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Not a woman going through peri-menopause at 34. That just makes me feel old. Not sure where to go from here. Doc wants me to use progesterone cream on days 16-22. Will that really help? Or will it just mask the problem of not ovulating. I do not know what to do. I am so confused and worried. Worried about my body aging well ahead of its time.
My hubby is depressed too. He got his physical results back. His bad cholesterol is high. I think we eat too much red meat. I think that will help. I want him to be around for a long time. As I told him tonight, when I got married it was so I could be married for 50-60 years not 20-30 so he had better plan on sticking around for a while. We were 23 when we got married so you can do the math on that.
Just feeling down. I felt so good this am when I thought I was going to ovulate for sure. My only hope is that I somehow missed the surge marker and saw the end of it this am when I tested and got the almost as dark as line. I will know if my temp rises tomorrow. Yes, I am temping. That is the odd thing. My temp went up .5 degrees two days ago. By that increase, it means I could have ovulated two days ago, but I know I did not. Not even close to a second line was detected on the ovulation test. I just want to be normal. So frustrated.

Found my true calling...

It only took a decade plus of my adult life, but I figured out what I was meant to do. I want to be a farmer. I want to grow watermelons, a myriad of pumpkins, and lots of peppers. I finally got over my bug thing so I think I could handle it. I thought about it a lot today when I was at the website for Avery Farms in Amelia, VA. They have apprenticeships there. Honestly if I did not have two small children, I would seriously consider it. I would like to go spend a day there and do some labor and help. I think it would be educational and enjoyable. I think that I would like to have chickens too for the eggs and chicken poop which is the best for growing vegetables. Jon told me to look for land. I wonder how much I might need. Anyways, I truly think that is my calling. I could be home with the kids when they are home, and they could help out on the farm too. It is a win-win for my family. I imagine the initial expense would be tremendous, but I am thinking long term. I would do regular pumpkins and then more unusual varieties like the jardales and sugar baby pumpkins maybe. I really like the jardales particularly and now that I have started really pruning it, it is doing incredibly well. I have a few more pumpkins growing on it. They are really unusual looking. The color is definitely a greenish-blue. I think I might have one ready to come off of the vine.
Anyways, the bottom line is that I would love to see farm work first hand and do it myself for a few days. And yes, that is my idea of vacation...I like hard work in general. I find it relaxing.
My hubby finally went for his physical today. What a reminder that we are all getting older. I am trying to accept that I could be going through peri-menopause, but it is rather depressing. I try not to think about it too much because it makes me want to cry and makes me feel old. I hate feeling old.

Being estrogen dominant

It is not enjoyable. I am ready to scream some moments and cry the others. I feel better today, but honestly, I am just hoping and praying that I ovulate this month so I can get back to normal. Without ovulation, I may never have enough progesterone to be balanced again. I am tired all of the time, I feel pretty lethargic in general, and I just cannot motivate myself to get out of bed and go to the gym. I am retaining water like a madwoman. I am just hoping that I am able to get back into a normal routine tomorrow. I need one. I need to feel normal.
I have another jardale pumpkin growing. I am very excited for that. I am hoping that another one is growing too. I will know in a few days. The jardale pumpkin vine looks a lot better now that I have been pruning it a bit. I am glad. I really like that vine. The big moon is growing nicely too. I cut a pumpkin off of the regular pumpkin vine. It was ready!!

Back in a routine

And it feels so good. I did not want to get up today for my walk, but I did. I took a new route and enjoyed it. It was good to get back into a routine. I need a routine to feel normal. I keep telling myself that I am going to ovulate this month. Hopefully my mind will get the message and get on board so it will tell my body to do what it is supposed to. I am so tired from my workout this am. My body is physically tired. It will feel great to rest and relax this afternoon like I always do when the kids are napping. I did not get that either day last weekend, and I really need that time.

Still trying to get back into a routine

I am still trying to find my routine and life after last week's events. I took today off and really needed it. I am glad that I decided to do it. It was good to get outside and walk this am rather than going to the gym. I needed that. I found out this week that I am estrogen dominant. That is the reason why I am having trouble losing weight despite the work outs and the way I eat. It is the reason why I sweat all night long and the reason why I am having cycle issues and not ovulating. My doc recommended some progesterone treatment. That will hopefully help. I am trying to go natural with the treatments. Hopefully I can get back to my old self. I want to feel better.
I am a little disappointed because the jardale pumpkin has only produced two pumpkins to date. All of my other female flowers either died after blooming or are now dying from blight. I trimmed the jardale today and have been watering less frequently but more intensely when I do water and I actually have two healthy female flowers flowering. I hope they get fertilized. I really like the way the pumpkins look and would love to have a whole bunch of them. I have two pumpkins on my regular pumpkin vine. Once both are fully orange (both are in various stages of changing) I plan to pull the vine out altogether. It is not doing well, and it has blight too so it has few female flowers that make it. It did not grow in the right direction so it did not grow properly. I am just ready to be done with it. The big moon pumpkin is growing well. Now that we figured out the problem in that part of the bed (had a tree die and found out we drown it from a hole in the irrigation pipes there) that pumpkin and pumpkin vine are growing very, very well. I am very proud of it. Still hoping for a good 40-50 pounder there. It is basketball size now so I suspect we are a fifth of the way there! I have lots of tomatoes and peppers. I feel very fruitful in that category. I just need more jardales to feel better about my pumpkins this year. Then I just need to get normal female cycles back to feel normal and good period! Keeping my fingers crossed. I start treatment in 16 days!

The butterfly in the garden

On Monday I found a black swallowtail butterfly just dead in the garden. It was huge and beautiful. I picked it up and kept it on the side table of the grill. I felt sad. I have never had that happen before--you know, just to randomly find a dead butterfly in the garden. It was fitting considering what happened the next day. My cousin, the one who was diagnosed with cancer in March, died on Tuesday. I wanted to go see him this past weekend because I wanted to talk to him one more time before he died, but my aunt and uncle asked that no one travel up there this holiday weekend so I did not. I now regret it. By the time I got there on Tuesday afternoon, he died. I did get to see him. It is so cliche, but he was a ghost of his former self, literally. He was very pale and extremely thin. My aunt said that he went from 230 back in March to 142 the last time they weighed him last week. How awful that is. Today the shock wore off. He is really gone. I am exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. I ate my usual pint of Ben and Jerry's yesterday. I thought for sure that I would be up in weight. Nope. I was 141.5 today. It is funny what stress does, is it not. I do not know how you bury a child. How does one do that regardless of his age. My cousin was 39. His mother is understandably devastated. I feel so bad for my aunt. I am angry at myself for not going to see him this past weekend. I just wanted to hear his voice one more time. To hear him laugh. Brian was one of the most fun people I knew. He was smart, kind, caring, very witty, and just a great gentleman all around. Those who knew him were lucky. I was lucky. During my wedding rehearsal, he stood in for a missing bridesmaid. Most men would be offended to do so. Not Brian. He played the role and thought it was amusing. He liked beer and liked the Polish connection he had. He and I shared an interest in our eastern European heritage. He would tell you like it is. He was not one for a facade. I liked that about him. He was special.
I do not want to remember him the way he looked when I last saw him, but it is burned in my mind. I held his hand one last time. It was the first time I touched a dead body. It was strange. I prefer to remember Brian smiling and laughing and even drinking. Brian always had fun or something interesting to talk about. That is just who he was. I spoke with him once a year, but I will miss him for sure. At the end of the day, I just always knew if I needed him, he would be there and knew that at some point in the future we would spend some time drinking beer and laughing again so at some point, I will have an Oktoberfest beer and drink to him, and maybe I will really finally learn how to do the Polka.
The garden is thriving. I have been watering a lot due to the lack of rain. I have two regular pumpkins, two jardale pumpkins, one big moon pumpkin, a bunch of tomatoes and a few watermelon growing. I have been killing squash bugs left and right. It is pretty gross, but I have to protect the garden.

Harvested the watermelon

My son looked really cute holding his watermelon. We harvested one of my daughter's tomatoes too. She was pretty jazzed. It was still a little orange, but I am dying to see how it is on the inside. My giant tomato is still as green as a green tomato. Not sure if or when it will change. The odd thing is the cayenne peppers. They do not gradually turn red like the tomatoes do. They turn red immediately bit by bit so I literally have cayennes now that look like Christmas. They are half red and half green. It is weird. The jardale pumpkins are growing well. I have two large ones now. I am not sure when to harvest those. From pictures they look dark green. They are very light green now so I guess I will wait until they get really dark. My acorn squash is dying. The wombs on the female flowers are odd shaped. I would pull it out, but I prefer the bad bugs to head that way so I am leery about getting rid of it altogether.
I should hit 143 low tomorrow. I am hopeful that I will hit 142 this week. That will be the lowest on this scale ever. I ran for the first time today in about 6 weeks. I forgot how much I really enjoy running. I cannot wait to do it tomorrow, but I am most certainly going to be sore tomorrow. Yikes.
I had a very rough afternoon at work. I am still having a hard time coming down from it which is not like me. Normally, I am able to compartmentalize. I am having a tough time doing it today for whatever reason. I need a break. I am looking forward to this weekend for the break alone. No family coming to visit. I love my family, but this past weekend was not really a break. Three more days to get through....if I can just make it another three days.