Confused

Confusion has set in about so many things in the last 24 hours...serious confusion.  Nothing seems right or straight in my mind right now.  First of all, I am getting really tired of folks telling me that I should be happy that I finished the half marathon and that my time was decent.  That was NOT THE RACE I WANTED to run.  I am tired of hearing it.  I am not happy, and I will not be happy with that time.  I am sore today.  That depresses me.  Why am I sore?  I have run for 2 hours many, many times.  Why was this time different?  I feel like my body is failing me again.  That confuses me.  I want more than anything to do a half marathon again to get a better time, but I am afraid.  What if it is worse?  What if it is cold that day?  I did this weekend's race in the rain.  That was bad enough and unfriendly enough.  What if I sign up to do the next half in the area and it is cold and rainy?  How do I deal with this disappointment? 
I am confused about my family and the anger that I has been brought out by this latest situation with their drama.  I am so angry with my mother that I want to scream, just scream at her.  The worst part of all of this is that I feel so alone right now.  It's just me trying to figure it all out, and I am not sure what to do. 

Leaned a lesson today

The rain hit this am.  As I mentioned yesterday, cosmically speaking, something did not want me to run.  I did anyways.  I did not hit my 2 hours, but I am happy because I did not walk at all and I kept under a 10 minute mile pace.  I think I was somewhere around 2:07:00.  We will see later when they post times.  I am happy and proud.  I learned a good deal on my run today.  It is almost life changing.  This am I had two women, two wonderful, beautiful women, fussing over me and stressed still that I was in the bathroom line when the race started.  Two women who got up at 5a to meet me at my house so we could go run.  That is true love and friendship.  I have that.  I have that.  I had 6 amazing individuals waiting for me at the finish line.  I had those two amazing women.  I had my hubby who loves me unconditionally and I adore.  I have two beautiful kids who looked so proud when I finished.  I have an amazing friend in our NSM who rode all the way in the rain on his bike to see me and then had to ride home in the pouring rain.  I am a lucky woman.  Today's lesson was that I have been searching for years for love and acceptance.  It was waiting for me as I finished running 13.1 miles.  It was there.  Just waiting for me.  To my wonderful friends and family there, I can never begin to thank you enough.  You are an amazing and spectacular group of individuals.  You made me feel like I won that race today.  Or maybe that even bigger race that I have been running for the last 20 years of my life.  I love you.  Thank you. 

Mixed mess of things

I am running a half marathon tomorrow and as I am going to pick up my packet, I get a call from my sister.  My mother is in the hospital.  My sister just got out of the hospital.  My oldest niece just got taken to a children's hospital for head trauma.  No, I am not writing a bad country song.  All of the above is true.  I think what disappoints me the most is that my mother has not said one word to my sister or I about her hospitalization.  We had to find out from my brother and not willingly, might I mention.  I understand that my mother has problems.  I get that.  I do, but I expect better of my brother in that he should not help to perpetuate her issues.  Fortunately, my mother is on her way home now and my sister seems to be ok.  We are just waiting on word for my niece now.  All of this and I am sick.  Yes, somehow after 3 months of training and long runs every weekend, I managed to get a head cold the weekend of my half marathon. Did I also mention that I have my period too.  I just want to say that it rained on my wedding day.  I was cool with it.  I just smiled and moved on as it poured and thundered and lightning lit up the sky, but do I really have to get sick on one of the biggest weekends of my year?  Seriously?  What is up with that.  I could deal with the joke of the rain on my wedding day.   I am not dealing well with the joke of the illness.  Do I really need one more thing to deal with?  Part of me thinks all of this is some colossal joke at my expense.  Half marathon so hey, let's make Tiffy get her period. Tiffy has that, but she has run long runs through that before, so she feels good.  Well, that did not knock her down so let's get Tiffy sick.  Tiffy is sick, but it does not have her too down.  She figures that there are worse things to run through and the cold does not seem too bad.  She will take some cold medicine in the am and move on, and ok, maybe now she will not hit her 2 hour goal, but she is sick so she gives herself a little break.  Well, what?  She is moving on.  We have to give her more.  Let's put her sister coming out of a hospital from a weird and gross (sorry, sis, it is gross) infection, her mother coming home from the hospital for something that she will not completely identify.  Oh, and let's have her teenage niece get on a moped, hit a wall and end up with head trauma.  Maybe that will do it.  This is the joke of my life.  I cannot help but wonder, "Maybe I am not supposed to run this race."  Is that what the cosmic world is telling me?  I mean I feel like after the rain on my wedding, maybe I have a little right to be bitter....
Here is the deal:  I am going to run what I can.  I have worked my butt off to train for this race and loved most of those minutes and hated with passion many other minutes during that time, but I DID IT.  I am hoping that this stress will work to my advantage.  I will have some nervous energy to work out.  Plus, everyone who runs longer distances knows that the longer distances enable you to work things out in your mind.  It almost becomes a mediation of sorts.  At least it is that way for me.  I need that time tomorrow so I am glad that I have it so I may figure out what to do.  This drama gives me a purpose for running.  I just hope and pray that I can keep the adrenaline in check at least for the first half...fingers crossed.  I need to think "fun, fun, fun" and just smile and run.  So I guess that is moral of the story.   Cosmic world, the joke is on you.

Slow down, slow down, slow down

This is what I tell myself.  I need to slow myself down in general but it is my advice for this 13.1 miles I will run on Sat.  I know I will take off too fast so I have tried to put music on my iPod to start that will slow me down.  I need the inspirational stuff later.  The early stuff just needs to be slow so I can keep a good effective and maintainable pace going.  I do everything too fast.  I spend a good deal of my time rushing through life and to what end.  For the next thing to rush through?  Crazy.  I am trying to focus on enjoying this half marathon.  I am trying to focus on enjoying running the race because ultimately I run because I enjoy it!  I am trying to let go of the pressure of that 2 hours looming over me and just focus on how much I love to run and enjoying the run.  Running....for me it is a rush.  Not a constant rush.  Rather the rush comes in waves.  I find that I hit it about 1 hour in and then again at the end of a long run.  Of course I feel the rush all over again when I see my time or my pace or even the distance that I have gone.  I feel the rush again when my husband mentions to me how toned I have become and how firm my legs are getting.  Me, Tiffany, the chick who never ran the mile in school at all.  The girl who when forced to "run" the mile would walk most of it.  I think maybe once in high school I did a 13:40 miles on a "run."  I remember the other Tiffany in my glass.  First of all, she was beautiful.  Second, she ran like a deer.  It was even pretty watching her run.  I remember wanting to be like that.  Hoping one day it would just come.  It never did then, but I have found it in my 30's.  I may not be run pretty, but I run farther and faster than I ever imagined I would.  I took that half marathon off my New Year's resolution this year because I never thought I would do it, but here I am.  Two days away, it is.  I will finish.  That I know.  More than finishing in 2 hours (and I REALLY WANT TO FINISH IN 2 HOURS) I want to enjoy it.  I want to enjoy the moments of it.  When we would drive down a nearby road on a Friday night after dinner in the winter, I would fantasize about running down that same road on an early summer am.  Here is the culmination of all of those early summer am's that I so long for every winter.  Saturday is that day, and I am ready to run it, but am I ready to allow myself to enjoy it?  After it will I feel a sense of loss that it is over?  Perhaps which is why I am already planning my next half.  Who knows for the girl who never ran the mile, maybe there is a full marathon in my future.  Maybe I can even do that.  I am still afraid of not finishing in under 2 hours, but I want to let go of the fear of being afraid of that fear, and just run...

Cannot stop eating

I cannot stop eating and it is not the half training.  It is PMS, but it is not too big of a surprise considering how few periods I have had this summer.  Hopefully once I am through this PMS, I can manage to control myself.  The good news is that I think my period will hit tomorrow so the flooding will not be going on during the half.  At least I hope...
I have a lot of nervous energy over this half.  The stress over "will I finish in under 2 hours" is almost unbearable.  I just want it so bad.  I have worked so hard.  Everyone keeps saying that finishing a half marathon is impressive enough.  Not for me.  Not this time.  I know I will finish, but will I finish in under 2 hours?  That question will be answered in 2 days.  Fortunately work is taking on a lot of my nervous energy.  I am having trouble falling asleep which is not like me at all. 
I am already thinking about the next challenge.  I want to do a 10k in October.  I want to do that in under 55 minutes.  I know I can do that.  Then I am thinking maybe a full marathon?  Am I insane?  Maybe next fall?  I feel ready for that kind of challenge.  Crazy as it sounds.  The issue for me is time.  Do I have it to spare?

Why are folks so miserable?

I totally understand that the economy is in the crapper and yes, my life in so many ways is a charmed one.  I have a husband who loves me and who I adore, two wonderful kids, a great job, a fabulous staff and a nice house, but my life has not been easy.  I have a lot of deep seeded trust issues that affect my relationships on a daily basis, but I choose to be happy.  Why do folks choose to be miserable?  Why?  Why would you want to wake up every day and hate your life?  Why not make the best of your situation?  We all have things that plague us and overwhelm us at times.  I understand that, but take a day to swim in it and then go from there and make changes or a small change for the better.  Everywhere I look people are miserable and want to make others miserable too because misery loves company.  So sad....so so sad....

My issue that plagues me is my half marathon.  I am going through all of the what ifs.  If I don't hit under 2 hours, I will be crushed.  Have I trained enough.  Have my miles been right in my training.  I really have no idea.  I hope they are close.  I just worry. What if I miss that 2 hour mark.  It will be so disappointing.

It is magic!

The beach is magic.  It is.  I would rather be there than any other place in the world.  The smells are wonderful, the sounds are wonderful and the scenery is wonderful.  The vacation that the kids and the hubby and I had there this year was magic.  It was perfect.  Obviously, it was not completely perfect.  It rained our last night there when we wanted to get bikes and ride during sunset, but it was almost perfect.  I love being there.  I grew up there, but I never had an appreciation for the gift of living there.  I love running there.  It does not feel great with the hot sun beating down on you as you run with no shade to hide, but in some ways, it is the best thing in the world.  I miss it.  It has been less than a week and I miss it horribly, almost painfully.  I want to go back and do it all over again.  It was amazing.  All of it.  It calls to me in so many ways.  When I fantasize, I imagine the sun beating down on me and the sweat rolling down my back.  I imagine the water close by and the smell of ocean.  I want to be there again.  Now.
I ran 4 miles today and for the first time ever I think, it felt like nothing.  I know that is the benefit of running further distances and all, but I just never thought it would happen to me.  It felt great.  I am getting nervous about the half.  It is next weekend and I worry that maybe I have not trained enough or maybe it will be super hot that am and I will feel bad while running and totally just lose all energy as I am running.  I worry that I will not eat the right food before the race.  Most of all...I worry that I will not hit my 2 hour time limit.  I want to hit that more than anything.  I missed my 1 hour cut off when I did the 10k in April.  I missed it by seconds.  It is so important to me that I hit under 2 hours.  What if I do not?  What then?  How will I feel?  I will be so disappointed.  I guess these days I am not so afraid that I cannot run it, but I am afraid that I will miss my time and let myself down.  I have worked so hard, but is it hard enough?  8 days until I know for sure.  Nervous. 

To the boy who gave my son a game prize

at the amusement park when we were on vacation...
I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart.  When you walked up to him and gave him the little stuffed wheel, I was in shock and awe.  I wish I had followed you back to your table and thanked you and your parents.  I want them to know what a wonderful son they have and to know that they should be very proud of you.  My son is young and he does not understand those games so it was such a gift to him and to us.  My mother says that angels walk among us.  I believe that after seeing you walk up to my son that day.  It still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.  Thank you for being so kind.  I will think of you for the rest of my life so no matter what happens or where you go, you will always be remembered and appreciated.  Thank you. 

Runner's problems

It is funny that running longer runs causes small issues you would never think of otherwise.  My toe nail on the toe next to my big toe on my left foot has blackened and is falling off.  There was a lot of pressure underneath it for the last few days.  This am, it miraculously released the pressure.  It did not hurt but was annoying.  I mentioned it to someone and he told me to stop running.  I am thinking you just don't get it.  Some of the problems are good to have.  I am leaner than I have ever been.  Sometimes when I catch myself in the mirror, I cannot believe that those are my legs.  Just surprises me.  For me being leaner also means having more loose skin.  Yes, I am definitely a cautionary tale of what happens for those who get fat.  It is a shame that I was once fat.  If I did not have all of that extra skin hanging, I would look like I am in incredible shape, but the skin is there and I have learned to live with it.  Well, live with it everywhere but my breasts where I had it cut off through a full anchor lift.  The skin removal surgery for the arms and legs causes a bit more noticeable scaring so that I will just live with.  I would like to eventually get a tummy tuck, but I am not sure if that is in the cards....
Tomorrow I have 10 miles.  I am hoping it is not too humid.  Either way I will survive.  My hubby says he is going to do 4 or 5 with me.  We will see about that one.
As I loosen my grip on the tight handle I previously had on life, I have noticed how miserable people are and how they constantly have to elevate themselves to feel better and part of elevating themselves is making others look bad or feel bad, or getting the last word in, or making fun of someone else.  I see it on a regular basis and I guess I notice it more now that I care a lot less about the BS that surrounds all of us on a daily basis.  It seems to very much be a male dominated thing, but I am sure that women buy into it too.  I will say, though, that letting go of that tight grip has allowed me to find more happiness than I ever thought I could find and that is with my grip still there--just not as tight.   I still have to balance being a responsible parent and employee with letting go a bit of the stress and the worry and the control, but once you do it more and more, it gets easier.  It has been an incredible summer.  We have been very busy.  I think our children have enjoyed it quite a bit.  I see my son who is naturally anxious, lose some of that anxiety.  I have been really proud of the hubby and I.  This week, we were faced with a challenge with our son where normally, we would have overreacted and not been all that supportive of our son.  (I chuckle as I write "not been all that supportive."  Our son is 6.  He still needs lots of support.  How silly it was that we were not giving it to him!)  We did the exact opposite thing of what we have done in the past and oddly enough (sarcasm, obviously) he was reassured enough that he slept in his room all night both nights which is something he has not done a lot of over the last month.  It not only seemed to help, but it felt so much better to support him and reassure him that coerce him in to what we want him to do.  Sure we were tired and wanted to just relax, but reassuring him was clearly the thing to do.  It felt good and it felt right.  Hopefully being more supportive of him will help to further allay some of his anxieties.  I am certainly not saying that we are miracle workers. Not at all, but I guess it just never occurred to me that if you give someone what they need sometimes even if it is in direct opposition to what you want, everyone actually wins.  Crazy that it never occurred to me before, I know.  Crazy and sad.  I realized that I am not the most reassuring person, and why?  Why?  Because that is how I grew up.  I was constantly told just to deal and that life is hard for everyone so you need to just deal with it and move on.  I am not saying that all of my problems should have been fixed for me, but support and reassurance and sympathy goes a long, long way.  I got little of that so I give little of it, but I am working on that.  I can certainly tell you that even the small changes have made a difference in my relationship with both of my children and my hubby which is a good thing. 
As I finished running this past Sunday, I was thinking how if it were not for my mother, I would not be running this half marathon which means that I would not have these wonderful and amazing changes to my body (and the black toe nail.)  So I remember thinking for an instance that I am running for her, and immediately, I knew that was wrong.  I am not running for her.  I am running this half marathon for me.  I am a bit sad because neither my children nor my hubby will be there when I finish, but that is ok.  My BFF will be there and plans to run the last mile with me which I will need.  I want my kids to live their lives too and they have a big event.  

August

For those who know how much I love the summer, it is probably a surprise that I am not a fan of August.  It is not the heat or the humidity.  I love hot!  It means that I have 1 month left before my summer days end.  It really bums me out.  Now for the running part of my life, I will be happy that the heat ends.  Running in 50 degree weather is much preferable to the 76 degrees and 84% humidity I did this am, but those 50 and 60 degree run days are few and far between.  It seems to go from low 70's to 40's in a week or two around here.  I am trying to focus on the days that are left to enjoy this summer, but honestly, the coming of the fall is bearing down on me quite a bit.  As a gardener, I can already see some of the changes in the plants.  I took out of the pumpkin plants.  Disease made it devoid of female fruit.  My baby bear pumpkin plant has two pumpkins right now.  They are both turning orange which is good because I am ready to pull that plant out.  It, too, is no longer producing female flowers.  At least I got two out of it.  Need two with two kids....
Part of my heartache is that this summer has been wonderful in so many ways.  Our beach trips were good.  I can even find some goodness in the June one which was very stressful courtesy of my daughter.  I can see the excitement of learning to swim in the actions of both of my children.  They will miss swimming in the pool once it closes.  I will miss going to Water Country or Busch Gardens every weekend.  We have done so much this summer as a family.  I think our kids will really remember this summer.  My foray into longer distances this summer have certainly added to my general positive feelings about how this summer has gone.  My BFF and I have starting running longer distances on Fridays which has been great too.  There has been so much fun and enjoyment and just wonderful happiness.  I painted out bedroom lemon yellow.  It is a happy color.  It is something I have wanted to do for years, and now it is done....well, almost, but there is like 10% left maybe at this point.  I will always look back on this summer with great fondness and lots of wonderful memories of us enjoying time with the kids and each other and really taking care of ourselves too.  I hope my hubby does too. 
I think the coming of August just reminds me that time is winding down, and I hate that. I, on a daily basis, feel like I am constantly fighting the clock.  (My hubby says that he prefers "beach Tif."  Yeah, beach Tif is not fighting the clock all day every day....)  Once again, I am fighting the clock, but on a different level.  With August, I am fighting losing my warm, summer days that I love.  Is it sad that on August 5th, I am already praying and hoping for a short, mild winter?  We had a mild winter last year.  What are my chances of getting two in a row?  Do I need to probably purchase cold weather running gear and spikes for my running shoes to run in the snow?  Do not want to think about that these days at all, but they are there in the back of my mind. 
The half marathon is 3 weeks from yesterday.  Today was my last longer run.  It did 13.25.  The heat killed me today.  Next week, I have 10 miles and then the following week 8 so it is all downhill from here.  Once the half is over, I plan to do just 10 on my long run days.  I am going to add a 5k on Tuesdays instead of the elliptical to get that other 3 miles back.  That will keep me close to 25 miles a week.  These longer distances have done wonderful things for my body.  I look forward to longer distances again next year once spring hits.  My goal next year is to actually hit 15 miles since 14.25 is the longest I have gone.  The irony is that this year is the first year in 4 years I have removed the half marathon from my New Year's Resolution list, and this is the year that I do it.  I did have on there to hit 10 miles all at once.  Done that more than a few times, and will do that each week until it gets really cold out there.  I added a trail run of 8 miles that I have always looked at every year to my fall races.  My BFF and I are doing it together.  The hubby has started running again.  I think he should do the Turkey Trot here. I plan to encourage him to sign up. We will see.  I am definitely going to talk him into doing the Sweethearts 8k in February.  I just think it would be fun for us to do that together.
Today I just feel thankful for the ability to run!  It is pretty amazing,  I think!