Now that the decision has been made

I want it here like yesterday. I want to go into surgery today and start looking better now. How funny is that. The nice thing is that it is as if just making the decision to get a lift and implants has changed my life already. I get excited when I think of how I will look in the spring and summer months. I feel more confident already. How funny is that! I am not looking forward to the recovery, but I feel like it is such a short period of time. I got through the first few months of a newborn so I can certainly get through a few weeks of pain and such. The doc is going to make me a little larger which I kind of like. I was always content being a "C" but it will be nice to be a full "D." He says with my height and hips I can carry it. That is one other reason I now do not mind my hips so much. Yes, I used to hate them. I mean hate them. I have wide hips. I am one of those women who when I gain weight I get wider. Some women get round. Not I. I get wider like a pancake in part thanks to my hips. The less I weigh the more thankful I am for them because they will help me keep the shape of a woman which I want. I am really starting to feel my hip bones more and more which I really like. I would like them to be a tad more prominent. Now that I have schedule surgery, I need to lose the last 9-10 pounds and finally get down to 130. I have 10 weeks to do it. It is going to be really hard to lose a pound a week, but I think if I work really hard, I can do it. At least I hope. I want to be as thin as I can for the surgery. The last thing I want to do after surgery is lose weight and then have the same problem I have now. I can live with 139-140 pounds, but I think of how nice 130 would be. Oh, I will gain two pounds from the implants. Each one weighs about a pound so I need to account for that. Maybe 128??? Not sure that I will get there in time!!
I am off today and cleaning. Normally when I face cleaning, I feel good about it. Today I just feel overwhelmed. Maybe it is because the house is a huge mess. Stuff is everywhere. No one (including both my hubby and I) seems to get that we just do not have infinite room for crap. We got to figure something out because this is out of control. My hubby and I are doing better not giving the kids stuff all of the time, but that is more or less because my surgery is going to cost $10,000. Gotta cut somewhere and that seems like a good place since it kills two birds with one stone and keeps us from spoiling the kids further.
It was so funny. My hubby said yesterday that we seem to get the kid who is more like us in personality. I had to point out to him that everyone thinks my son is so sweet and perhaps a bit too sensitive, but so sweet, and everyone knows that my daughter is sweet, but a handful. I always get my son, and my hubby always gets my daughter. I thought it was funny. My hubby is a wonderful man, but sometimes he just loses his emotions over silly things. In all fairness to him, I can get worked up and go on and on about things that irritate me (just like my son!) We both deal with our anger in different ways. Mine carries on much longer. His has more of a bite but if over with faster. Funny how that works. The longer I am married, the more I see how couples end up getting divorced. It is easy to get caught up in the drama and the anger and the fights and let it carry on for days. It gets easier then to not talk about things which makes resentment much stronger. Sometimes when Jon and I are fighting all that I want from him is for him to hug me. It might not make the problem go away, but at least it reconnects us and maybe forces us to talk more rationally about things. Marriage is not easy, but no relationship is. How often does one get irritated with their parents, kids, siblings, etc. You just forgive your kids and parents a lot faster.
TGIF.

Made the decision and it is scheduled.

I scheduled the surgery. I found a doctor that I really like and am totally ready for the changes come this January. I am very nervous and very excited all at the same time. The doc is going to make me a little bigger than I was prior to the weight gain. I am on board with that. That will certainly be interesting. All in all, I feel it is a good decision. It will definitely be a change!

Crossroads

I am really at a crossroads in a lot of ways. First, do I get a lift and implants or not? I really want to get implants. We were watching a show last night, and it mentioned how the breast is how women identify themselves as women. Mine look like I am 80 years old. I am 34. I figured maybe just a lift then, but then I would end up with 36 B's at the most and my right breast is seriously smaller than the left so I would be left with two breasts that are different sizes and a lift would make that more noticeable. Really I think a lift with implants is my best option. I would not go huge. I want to look how I looked in high school. I had great 36C breasts. I will admit that they never really hung properly. They have always sagged. I guess that is the thing...now that I know how normal breasts look, I want to have normal breasts. I think the last time I had normal hanging breasts, I was in the 5th grade.
The other crossroads...I do not know what to do about my daughter. I do not mean the one that I live with. Yes, a dirty little secret (I have two secrets!) is that I had a baby when I was 16. I put her up for adoption with what I thought were two mature, stable people. Fast forward 12 years later. Nope, they got divorced, and it was pretty bitter. Now my daughter is failing almost half of her classes her senior year of high school. I watch shows like Intervention so I see the damage that divorce does to children which is why I will NEVER allow my husband to leave our family nor will I ever leave him. I will not do that to my children. I cannot imagine what a bitter divorce does to the children left behind. I see the remnants in my oldest child. She is broken, and I do not know how to fix her. The truth of the matter is that I cannot fix her. Her parents have to do it, and they are too busy aggravating one another. My own mother keeps saying that we can fix this. We can fix this. I want to know how. I do not know what the answer is. All that I know is that I see a broken child who needs therapy and a true voice and a chance to guide her life but also get truthful and helpful guidance from her mom and dad. So this is my promise to my son and daughter with my hubby: I will never allow you to waste your talents, youth, and intellect. I want you to be independent and ultimately learn how to take care of yourself, but I will make sure that lesson does not come at a price. I will make sure that I push you as hard as I have to so you are forced to succeed because success opens doors.

What to do. What to do.

I guess that it is never easy to make a decision regarding major surgery. This one, unfortunately, has long term implications. You are talking MRI's, issues with mammograms, the whole nine yards. If we had a ton of money, it would not be a big deal, but thinking about how much this can and will cost us over the course of the next 50-60 years is a bit overwhelming. It could affect other things too. Breast cancer does not run in my family but I would still like to be able to get a mammogram as needed as I get older just in case. I do not know what to do and have little help and support on this decision. Just not sure what to do. If I do it, I want to schedule it now. That is the big issue and that is just because I have a specific date in mind.
I have started rowing at the gym and I really love it. The only complaint that I have is that I am getting chaffing on rear end. I thought it was my thongs causing the chaffing. No, it is definitely rowing. I am going to try different versions of chaffing creams in hopes that helps. I really love rowing an do not want to have to give it up. I actually ran a mile today. It was the first time since the runner's knee episode a few weeks ago. My knee felt good so I think I am healed. At least I hope. I plan to run a little more tomorrow. It was such a crappy week. I need an outlet from work. Running will help. For some reason rowing does not seem to clear my head like running does. The best part about my workout this am was the nice sweat stains I got while rowing. I totally looked like I had peed all over myself. That was nice....

Guess that this all part of having a 1/3 life crisis?

I decided to do it. I am getting a breast lift with implants. I am so nervous and very excited about it. I did research on what I have going on with my breasts. I have breast ptosis. It is an actual condition and yes I realize that everything is now a days. When I heard the doc talking about the "degrees" of this condition and his nurse agreeing with him, I had no idea what it meant. Now I do. My right breast is almost considered severe. My left breast is moderate. Basically I have the breasts of a 70 year old woman, and I am half that age so I am going to do it. It is expensive, but it is worth it. I want to feel young and vivacious. I have not felt like that since high school and even those moments were fleeting. I want to feel how I am. I am still young, and I should feel that way. I am ready to feel that way. I have a lot of life to live so I am going to do it.
On another note, my garden was not a complete waste. I have about 12 loofah that I pulled off of the vine that I think will be good for sponges, and they are so big that I get 2-3 sponges per loofah. I am drying some now. Some I have already peeled. It is kind of fun.
My boss told me to day that his 4 year old nephew was diagnosed with leukemia. I am not sure if God is trying to tell me to cherish my kids and forget the surgery or if life is short and go for it. Need to think about that.....

A lift and implants

I am obsessed. I had my plastic surgery appointment, and I now want breast implants even more than before. The doctor described my breasts exactly was I would...deflated. My hubby said that I had the breasts of an old woman. That is how I would describe them too. I hate them. Now that I know what they could look like, I want it done like yesterday. It is very expensive and truly that is the main thing holding me back. It is money that could be better spend elsewhere. My hubby said that having had a severe acne problem he understands what it is like to have a physical problem that really bothers you so he is totally on board. I am still not sure. I think I would feel more my age if I got the work done. Most days I feel like a 50 year old woman. A friend at work who has had them done said that the pain for the first three days after the surgery is immense. That scares me a bit. I worry about losing nipple sensation too, and right now, I have plenty of that and would prefer not to lose it. I do not know what to do.
I am fixing up the house a bit too. I am painting here and there. I plan to paint every room. I feel like it might take me 2 years to paint and such, but I plan to be here 2 years from now anyways so I may as well paint.
I weighed 141.8 today which is exactly what I weighed last Saturday. If I could just hit 140 something...that would make me feel a lot better.
We are trying to figure out what to do about our trip to Disney World. I think my desire for breast implants may be clouding my judgment regarding the trip. I am not sure we can afford both. My hubby thinks that the kids may not be ready for this type of trip. I could tell he was hesitant when we started talking about it which was why I did not book the trip right away, I guess. Now I do not know what to do. We have never taken the kids away to a hotel overnight. I think we should probably start there maybe. My hubby wants to see how the kids handle characters too before we go. Not sure where to find characters around here short of spending a small fortune. We will see how it it all resolves.

Letter to my husband:

In typical Tiffany fashion, I have jumped to another major project in the midst of ending a smaller one...just I how I roll as you know. Life with me is base of extremes, some if wonderful and some of it maddening, I am sure. I guess I just thought I would be doing way more cleaning today. Not so.
I did not realize until last night how broken you really were when we met and through our young adult lives and even sometimes now. I was so absorbed in my own self pity, I guess I just never realized. I knew you had problems and guess I did know deep down that the arrogance and sense of superiority you held was a mask for a lot of insecurity. I just did not know how deep that insecurity went. I feel sorry for you now. I did not realize how much you hurt then. I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see that of anyone else. I just knew I needed to break you down. Truth be told, it was a challenge at first that I reveled in. Then, I just did not think anyone else out there would love me. You were it. That was probably why I stayed when I should have not stayed after some hurtful things. (Will not dredge those up today. You know what they are.) I put up with your unkindness, and you put up with my insanity and went along with it. What a pair.
The irony that I realized today as I spent most of the day painting is that we met as two very broken people. I was crazy and just wanted someone to really love me. You were afraid to live and just wanted someone to show you life. But not for being broken, we never would have stayed together let alone get married. I firmly believe that now. Had you been not so hurt and insecure, you would have gotten fed up with the drama. Had I not been so hurt and afraid, I would have told you enough was enough and that I deserved better. Life may not always be easy between us and cold sores and "flooding" and illness make keep us from feeling close sometimes, but at the end of the day, we made it through the worst and grew together. That is what ties us together and makes our relationship what it is. We grew up together, fought our demons together and pieced ourselves back together with help from one another. I would not be the woman I am today without you. I personally feel like I am on the cusp of being even better and that is all with your help and love and support. Just ironic to me that we met as two very broken people and here we are...wonderful, loving parents. We are part of such a nice, normal family and we have a very normal relationship minus the fear, the hurt, and the drama. Some how we made it work and built something really great out of it. I am proud of that. I hope you are too. I love you very much. We are better people and parents because of our scars. I firmly believe that. I hope you do too.

Missed the gym this am

I missed the gym this am, but in my defense, I was up for a large portion of the night. I will not even get into those details other than to say that if someone breaks into my house, they will be dealing with me and not the largest person in my house, my husband, that is for sure...
I am kind of bummed that I missed it, but I figure I still get 5 days in if I get out tomorrow and Sunday which I will. There is a chance of rain in the forecast for Sunday but I am hoping it does not rain after all. Maybe it is for later in the day. I was 141,8 this am. I knew that I would go up a little since I sweat so much yesterday at the gym. I missed the rowing today most of all. I really enjoy that. I am hoping to get down to 140 by Tuesday or Wed of next week. I would really like to see the 139's by this time next week. It would be such a boost for me really. My goal is 138 by the end of the month. I made my Sept goal of 142.
My daughter is so cute. She is trucking around stomping her feet to "If You Are Happy And You Know It." Too cute.