Sick and mad

The world colluded against me.  I am too sick to run my 18 miles this am.  I am bummed.  I really wanted to run it today.  I felt ready.  I never feel ready.  Stupid head cold.  I was there today.  Maybe it would have hurt and maybe I would have been tired, but I would have loved it...not every second of it, but I would have loved it.  Next weekend.  A long run next weekend is a bit more difficult, but I want this feeling to continue.  I want to carry it through and go for it.  I don't want to be afraid or worry.  I was neither going into this weekend.  I did try too.  Sometimes running makes you feel better.  Not this am.  After a mile, I bagged it.  I am trying to let it go.  I did end up on a 5k bike ride with the kids, though, so maybe it is an ill win?  Unless I am dying tomorrow, I will walk in the am for a half hour.  Missing today's workout is so tough because I am pretty dedicated these days.  On to tomorrow where hopefully I am on the mend.
I was thinking tonight and we drove home and I think I have asked the question before.  Who is the real me?  Is it the version of the person I am now or is it the person I was 15 years ago?  Who at the core, is me?  I guess that is always the fear...the ultimate fear....what if the real me was that chick from 15 years ago?  How quickly could I fall back into being her?  That was the fear of the bulimia from earlier this week.  I did not know where it might end.  I am still not 100% sure, but a miraculous thing came out of it.  For the last week for the first time in my life, I stop eating when I am full.  Compulsively, I want to keep going.  I want to eat the kids' leftovers, but I don't because I am full and I know that eating those leftovers will just make me feel bad and gross.  Who knows if it will last, but for now, I am hoping it is a change for the better that came out of what was a difficult few days.  No one is perfect and I am not expecting to be that today, anyways.  I am trying to just live here and now.  Yesterday was not always good and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I cannot go back and change the past and I am exhausted from trying to control the future so much.