I bought a groupon last year to Studio X where they do fitness classes based on pole dancing. I never used the classes. I was too embarrassed to go by myself. A resolution for 2012 is to go to a set of classes there doing just that. I think it will help me get more in touch with who I am and who I want to be. I hope to get a confidence boost from it, hopefully. My hubby will maybe be a bit shocked to read what I have written here, but I am committed to doing it. There are just some things that I have always wanted to do and have been way too afraid. I do not want to live like that in 2012 so I am going to make some changes and I am starting with that. Their January calendar is not out yet, but once it is, I am signing up for one class. If I do not want to do more after that, I do not have to, but at least I will know. It is like physical therapy. I was so dismissive of it last spring when my doc first brought it up thinking I am a recreational runner. Why should I bother, but I now know it would have helped me then and stopped my problem from getting worse. At least I am getting that fixed now. Physical therapists are miracle workers in my opinion.
So some other things I want to do....I want to wear a string bikini to the beach (on a trip with my husband, no kids.) I want to take a set of portraits for my hubby now that would make me blush in forty or fifty years. I am only young once and I want to remember how well I took care of myself and have visual proof of it. I want to get a micro-derm abrasion because I think it would help the texture of my skin that is....ugh....aging. I think it will help and make me feel better. I want to color my hair...maybe not ready for that this year but before I am 40. I want to spend an entire day in bed with my husband and I do mean an entire day. Maybe it would bore us to tears, but in theory, it sounds like fun and relaxing. I want to do a nice, enticing job at a task that I have promised to do provided my hubby meets one of 2011's New Year's resolution. (And Studio X can certainly help with that.) I want to read a book month and paint our bedroom a hot, sexy color that we can live with on a day to day basis but will not scream that we are a boring couple. I want to laugh more and find more joy in the day to day passing of life. I want to run outside one am with my best friend when it is 27 degrees. (It was 37 yesterday so we are getting close.) I want to run 10 miles all at once. The most I have ever done is 9.13. I prefer to go more specific but all in all, I think that these things can and will make me feel younger, sexier, and more vibrant. I spent all of last year feeling so old, so terribly old. I want the exact opposite for this year. Most of all, I want to wake up at 2am and make love to my husband in the middle of the night and then go right back to sleep. Now that is something has not happened in what, 14-15 years.
So with 2011 going away, I am saying good-bye to what I hope will always be the oldest year of my life. Oldest not in numbers, but in how I felt as a person. May 2012 bring youth.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Family room done
The family room is done. I painted it all myself. Well, my daughter helped, but I painted it prior to her painting. I did not want to go behind her because I thought it would hurt her so I just painted it first and then no worries on making sure that all spots were covered. It looks great. I am so pleased and proud.
I am still going through a major transition with my hubby. Fighting my imagination sure feels a hell of a lot better than the wreck I was constantly before, but this is super tough to keep up. I am still thinking of my list of questions for him, but the question I keep asking myself is when will I ever feel like I am enough for anyone. I am still chasing that vivacious, young, beautiful, smart, and kind person I am supposed to be and I keep waiting for the day I will catch her and it never happens. I wish she would just disappear from my mind. I am constantly jealous of her. She does not even exist. How crazy is that? How do I rid myself of her? How do I make her go away? Those are questions I need to be answered. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to explain to some therapist this concept of this person in my mind and why I can never live up to her.
Jon has been very patient. I think in some ways he knows that there are still major broken parts there and just hopes that I can fix my mind over time. We had another long talk about what I need from him. I know he knows that my patience with that will wane over time. I can only give so much without feeling jaded when I do not get what I need in return. So my question for him today...what was it about me that made him feel so comfortable with me always? What was it? He always says that with me it was different. He was able to talk to me because he always felt different with me so why was that? I need to know.
I am still going through a major transition with my hubby. Fighting my imagination sure feels a hell of a lot better than the wreck I was constantly before, but this is super tough to keep up. I am still thinking of my list of questions for him, but the question I keep asking myself is when will I ever feel like I am enough for anyone. I am still chasing that vivacious, young, beautiful, smart, and kind person I am supposed to be and I keep waiting for the day I will catch her and it never happens. I wish she would just disappear from my mind. I am constantly jealous of her. She does not even exist. How crazy is that? How do I rid myself of her? How do I make her go away? Those are questions I need to be answered. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to explain to some therapist this concept of this person in my mind and why I can never live up to her.
Jon has been very patient. I think in some ways he knows that there are still major broken parts there and just hopes that I can fix my mind over time. We had another long talk about what I need from him. I know he knows that my patience with that will wane over time. I can only give so much without feeling jaded when I do not get what I need in return. So my question for him today...what was it about me that made him feel so comfortable with me always? What was it? He always says that with me it was different. He was able to talk to me because he always felt different with me so why was that? I need to know.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sure, strong and even...
That is what Helen, one of the main characters in the book I just read, says that she has never felt. She never had a place of comfort where she felt that. I totally identify with her in many ways. She says that with her, there is nothing on the outside that shows she is alive on the inside. I, too, very much identify with that feeling. I do worry sometimes that it will be the demise of my marriage. Kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy so to speak. It was not Helen's demise. She did have an affair, but at the end of the novel, it seemed like she and her husband would work things out. Not sure that would happen in my life, but I am hopeful that I can figure out who I am while staying within the bounds of my marriage.
My hubby wonders why I constantly worry that I need to be someone else in order to keep him in my life. There are a few good reasons. First, and he would deny this, our getting married was a not a request on his part like it is with most couples. We "decided" to get engaged. He said today that he was happy when I said yes to marrying. That never happened. There was no question to answer. Second, as a child, I felt that I had to constantly rearrange who I was in order to try to win or keep the love of my parents. I was never enough. If I am not enough for my own parents who have to love me, how can I be enough for anyone else? I am still not enough for them. I only matter in the course of what I take from my mother's hording pile that she unloads continually in order to not seem like an actual hoarder. And my dad, well, he prefers the other two which is fine. I keep my distance.....
That says it all. I keep my distance. The only people that I fully immerse myself with love in is my kids. That is easy now. I do not want them to be perfect. What I want them to know is that they will never be perfect but they will always be perfect to me. No need to change who they are. I love them for them...even Maggie who is not always the easiest child to love. What 4 year old is.
The crazy thing is that in deciding to get married, I married my best friend. That was the bulk of it for me. I knew I loved being with him and loved him deeply as a friend and companion. Somewhere, though, between having both kids, I feel totally and completely and passionately in love with my husband, and I hate it. I never have emotions that strong or out of control or wildly. I am always in control and very deliberate so I wonder from time to time how I let that happen and how do I fix it. Well, that part, I wonder but most days I do not want to fix it. Rather, I pray to God to build it up even more and make it better, but then there are those moments where it is too out of control and too confusing and I prefer to be hardened and cold. He thinks I pull back because I do not want him anymore. It is quite the opposite.
All I have been my whole life is a good time. I never stayed in long term relationships. I had one and he did not really love me. It was totally warped. The bottom line is that men liked me for my body and not much more and frankly, I would have pushed more away. Many a times, I did. I do not equate sex with emotion. It is a purely physical thing for me. How do you stay married for 12 years and never once feel emotional during sex? Sometimes when my hubby is very passionate, it is too overwhelming for me and I shut down. This is all so crazy and mixed up. I feel like a mixed up jigsaw puzzle that never has any straight edges. The more I put it together, the more jagged pieces show up....
I remember one night my hubby got home from a trip out of town. It was very late. I was off the next day. I remember he literally tried to pull me into him. There was such force there. I felt so loved and wonderful in that moment...sounds crazy, doesn't it. I am not sure what it means but I am going to find out. Therapy this week, thank goodness!
My hubby wonders why I constantly worry that I need to be someone else in order to keep him in my life. There are a few good reasons. First, and he would deny this, our getting married was a not a request on his part like it is with most couples. We "decided" to get engaged. He said today that he was happy when I said yes to marrying. That never happened. There was no question to answer. Second, as a child, I felt that I had to constantly rearrange who I was in order to try to win or keep the love of my parents. I was never enough. If I am not enough for my own parents who have to love me, how can I be enough for anyone else? I am still not enough for them. I only matter in the course of what I take from my mother's hording pile that she unloads continually in order to not seem like an actual hoarder. And my dad, well, he prefers the other two which is fine. I keep my distance.....
That says it all. I keep my distance. The only people that I fully immerse myself with love in is my kids. That is easy now. I do not want them to be perfect. What I want them to know is that they will never be perfect but they will always be perfect to me. No need to change who they are. I love them for them...even Maggie who is not always the easiest child to love. What 4 year old is.
The crazy thing is that in deciding to get married, I married my best friend. That was the bulk of it for me. I knew I loved being with him and loved him deeply as a friend and companion. Somewhere, though, between having both kids, I feel totally and completely and passionately in love with my husband, and I hate it. I never have emotions that strong or out of control or wildly. I am always in control and very deliberate so I wonder from time to time how I let that happen and how do I fix it. Well, that part, I wonder but most days I do not want to fix it. Rather, I pray to God to build it up even more and make it better, but then there are those moments where it is too out of control and too confusing and I prefer to be hardened and cold. He thinks I pull back because I do not want him anymore. It is quite the opposite.
All I have been my whole life is a good time. I never stayed in long term relationships. I had one and he did not really love me. It was totally warped. The bottom line is that men liked me for my body and not much more and frankly, I would have pushed more away. Many a times, I did. I do not equate sex with emotion. It is a purely physical thing for me. How do you stay married for 12 years and never once feel emotional during sex? Sometimes when my hubby is very passionate, it is too overwhelming for me and I shut down. This is all so crazy and mixed up. I feel like a mixed up jigsaw puzzle that never has any straight edges. The more I put it together, the more jagged pieces show up....
I remember one night my hubby got home from a trip out of town. It was very late. I was off the next day. I remember he literally tried to pull me into him. There was such force there. I felt so loved and wonderful in that moment...sounds crazy, doesn't it. I am not sure what it means but I am going to find out. Therapy this week, thank goodness!
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Ann is going to kill it today!
My best friend is running a half marathon. She runs a lot as it is and is going to do really well. I am super proud of her. I love having a friend like Ann. She pushes me to be a better person and to run more. I am lucky in that regard.
I think....dare I say it...I think that I have found a doctor who will help me with my issues. I met with a new doc yesterday who is fully engaged in my hormone problem. She did another hormone test because as she said, "I have never seen estrogen that high before." That is funny because my old doc who still has yet to call me back said that my results were "normal." I will never see a male doctor again. My symptoms are escalating. I am having weird areas of discomfort in my pelvis. The sciatic nerve pain is getting worse. I am wondering when my new doc gets my estrogen how high will it be? If it is higher can it hit 800 or 900 or even a 1000. It was around 480 in August. By Oct 12 it was 725 so a month later might it be over 800 if it is getting higher at the same pace? I feel like I am in good hands. The best part is that peri-menopause did not come up ONCE in the conversation. Not once. That other donkey kept just insinuating that I am getting old. She did not make me feel that way at all so maybe if she does not believe that, maybe I am not getting that old.
I am losing weight again. I am thankful. It is more than the weight, though. I am eating more veggies again and taking better care of my body. It is hard with the sciatic nerve pain, but I am doing it.
I have a good friend who just started the process of divorce. She has finally decided that she deserves better. Honestly, it is the right thing to do. I just hope she can get through the next 6 months relatively unscathed emotionally. She is a great person, one of the most vibrant women I know. It would be a shame for her to lose that.
I think....dare I say it...I think that I have found a doctor who will help me with my issues. I met with a new doc yesterday who is fully engaged in my hormone problem. She did another hormone test because as she said, "I have never seen estrogen that high before." That is funny because my old doc who still has yet to call me back said that my results were "normal." I will never see a male doctor again. My symptoms are escalating. I am having weird areas of discomfort in my pelvis. The sciatic nerve pain is getting worse. I am wondering when my new doc gets my estrogen how high will it be? If it is higher can it hit 800 or 900 or even a 1000. It was around 480 in August. By Oct 12 it was 725 so a month later might it be over 800 if it is getting higher at the same pace? I feel like I am in good hands. The best part is that peri-menopause did not come up ONCE in the conversation. Not once. That other donkey kept just insinuating that I am getting old. She did not make me feel that way at all so maybe if she does not believe that, maybe I am not getting that old.
I am losing weight again. I am thankful. It is more than the weight, though. I am eating more veggies again and taking better care of my body. It is hard with the sciatic nerve pain, but I am doing it.
I have a good friend who just started the process of divorce. She has finally decided that she deserves better. Honestly, it is the right thing to do. I just hope she can get through the next 6 months relatively unscathed emotionally. She is a great person, one of the most vibrant women I know. It would be a shame for her to lose that.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
A summer lost....
I finally realized about two weeks ago how horrible I really felt this summer. In realizing that, it made me bitter because I lost so much this summer. Summer is my favorite season and yet I was too tired too do so many wonderful things this summer. I felt ugly and fat and was not able to achieve any goals I had. Knowing that reminds me that I cannot let this go on. I feel so much better now and am so fearful of going back to that. So fearful. I feel strong and healthy and I want to feel that way always. I am too young to feel as old as I felt this summer.
I am lucky in on big change, though. I finally have a very good female friend outside of work. I am so thankful. She is a great woman and I admire her very much. We have a lot of stuff in common. I never thought I would ever have a real friend. She makes me a better person in a lot of ways. She pushes me gently in way that pushes me further but does not offend me. I was running the other day at lunch and I pictured us running together (like we do now) when our kids are older and out of the house and then drinking wine any time we can. I figure she will keep me running well into my forties and maybe fifties. I am thankful!!!!!!!!
I want to push myself further and need to find the best way to do that.
I am lucky in on big change, though. I finally have a very good female friend outside of work. I am so thankful. She is a great woman and I admire her very much. We have a lot of stuff in common. I never thought I would ever have a real friend. She makes me a better person in a lot of ways. She pushes me gently in way that pushes me further but does not offend me. I was running the other day at lunch and I pictured us running together (like we do now) when our kids are older and out of the house and then drinking wine any time we can. I figure she will keep me running well into my forties and maybe fifties. I am thankful!!!!!!!!
I want to push myself further and need to find the best way to do that.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Trying to figure my life out now!
My son started school today. It has been an emotional day to say the least. I am not sad about him starting school, but for some reason I have been on edge. Not sure why, but a good friend of mine assured me it is normal. He has been in daycare for years, but thinking maybe it is the first time he is not under my control still. Daycare is a bit different from school...I get that.
With my son at school and my daughter in daycare, this has me thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life and what is right for me. I know it sounds terrible but lately, I have come to the realization that I hate my job. My job has taken on a life of its own. I am ready for it to end. I typically run away from problems and that was the case in the past, but I have never run away from hard work especially in my career with my current employer. Now, I am just ready to be done. It has lots its charm. Even when it was hard before, I felt like there was an ultimate reward, a satisfaction I took away. I do not feel that way any more. There is no satisfaction. There is never a "check" anywhere. Right now I am banking $ as much as I can to help my hubby and I make the move we want to NC. He is trying to make a career change too. I think the change he wants to make could be really good thing for all of us. I hope it works out. I am just ready for a change. I will suffer through with work until that change comes even if it means years. In the meantime, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life now. Now that the kids are starting school, it is only a matter of time before they go to high school and college and my active "raising" of children will be done. I need to figure it out. I have thought more about my original love of the earth and weather, but what do I do with that in NC?
With my son at school and my daughter in daycare, this has me thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life and what is right for me. I know it sounds terrible but lately, I have come to the realization that I hate my job. My job has taken on a life of its own. I am ready for it to end. I typically run away from problems and that was the case in the past, but I have never run away from hard work especially in my career with my current employer. Now, I am just ready to be done. It has lots its charm. Even when it was hard before, I felt like there was an ultimate reward, a satisfaction I took away. I do not feel that way any more. There is no satisfaction. There is never a "check" anywhere. Right now I am banking $ as much as I can to help my hubby and I make the move we want to NC. He is trying to make a career change too. I think the change he wants to make could be really good thing for all of us. I hope it works out. I am just ready for a change. I will suffer through with work until that change comes even if it means years. In the meantime, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life now. Now that the kids are starting school, it is only a matter of time before they go to high school and college and my active "raising" of children will be done. I need to figure it out. I have thought more about my original love of the earth and weather, but what do I do with that in NC?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Was humbled in a big way today.
I found out today that my daughter's preschool teacher lost her house. I knew that her husband was laid off a while back, but I had no clue about her house. They have moved, of course. It was a humbling moment for me here as I sit in my nice house with my nice job and breast implants and all of the other things I have day in day out that I take for granted. We also had a gentleman come into work. I will not get into what he was there for, but he had to pay me some money so he could possibly work for us. I was very judgmental of him before, but seeing him there and he was so polite and he could have been a real jerk...well, it just reminded me that I need to think about others a little more and a little less about myself. I know it is not a change that happens quickly...it is more something I need to be cognizant of, but I am definitely going to work on it. I have a good life in so many ways. None of us really knows how quickly that can change. I will do my best to remember that. I am hoping that this realization will fit in well with my more relaxed attitude in general. I think it will. I got a bit stressed today, but it went away quickly. I am definitely ready to relax a little more these days in general!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Keep thinking about where I was this time last week
I was most likely on the beach about now trying to tear the kids off of it so we could go get some ice cream down a few streets further. It sounds silly since I know that there are prettier beaches, but I still miss it and want to be there desperately. It certainly makes me want to save more dough so I can go back early and often. It is just a more exciting life there. I can certainly, though, in the meantime do things here to make life a little more exciting. Perhaps. We will see. I just wish we were starting vacation rather than ending it. The funny thing is that I was so leery about going. I worried about leaving the house and who would feed the cat. Pretty amusing and all isn't it!
145.3 today. Started some of my jumping exercises today. Gracious. I am going to be sore tomorrow.
145.3 today. Started some of my jumping exercises today. Gracious. I am going to be sore tomorrow.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Did I mention that I love the beach
Maybe it is more the goings on at the beach. We got there and right in front of our hotel there was a volleyball tournament. I do not particularly care for volleyball, but it meant that something went on all of the time right in front of us which was pretty cool. I prefer the people at the beach. They are much more easy going than my suburban counterparts here. Jon Caldwell was a good friend of mine in high school. He totally personifies what I think of when I think of beach people. Very cool, calm, collected and just plain laid back.
Going to the beach invigorated me. It reminded me that I am not 70 so I should stop acting like it. I am the oldest 35 year old that I know. I have lived like this for the last 25 years. I missed so much of my youth (trying not to be so bitter about that part.) Now I feel like I need to live life and enjoy it. I want to do things with the kids and not be afraid to do it just because it might be hard or make the week difficult or put my daughter in bad mood for 5 minutes. I am ready to do things that I always wanted to do but was too afraid to do. It was very liberating going there...I guess that is the best way to explain it. Jon says that I am always controlled. I am very controlled and always afraid of making the wrong move. Who the hell cares? I am not so afraid of appearing foolish any more. I am ready to run a half marathon. I may not make one this year, but I am definitely doing one next year. I am keeping cooler weather runs on my mind too. There is sweetheart one in Feb that I would like to do with the hubby. It is an 8k. I just think it will be fun.
I am ready to get back to the beach now and I mean NOW! I want that cool, laid back feeling back. I hope to keep some remnant of it at least!!
Going to the beach invigorated me. It reminded me that I am not 70 so I should stop acting like it. I am the oldest 35 year old that I know. I have lived like this for the last 25 years. I missed so much of my youth (trying not to be so bitter about that part.) Now I feel like I need to live life and enjoy it. I want to do things with the kids and not be afraid to do it just because it might be hard or make the week difficult or put my daughter in bad mood for 5 minutes. I am ready to do things that I always wanted to do but was too afraid to do. It was very liberating going there...I guess that is the best way to explain it. Jon says that I am always controlled. I am very controlled and always afraid of making the wrong move. Who the hell cares? I am not so afraid of appearing foolish any more. I am ready to run a half marathon. I may not make one this year, but I am definitely doing one next year. I am keeping cooler weather runs on my mind too. There is sweetheart one in Feb that I would like to do with the hubby. It is an 8k. I just think it will be fun.
I am ready to get back to the beach now and I mean NOW! I want that cool, laid back feeling back. I hope to keep some remnant of it at least!!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Back from vacation.
The fam and I just got back from vacation. How rejuvenating it was. I seriously missed the beach. I forgot how much I love it. It really is the best place in the world. I have been to Aruba so all of you beach snobs, yes, there are nicer beaches out there. I am very aware of that, but there is something about being at a beach with a boardwalk. There is always something going on down there. It is just fun to watch. I could sit for hours and just watch the goings on on the beach and boardwalk. It is just entertainment pure and simple. I cannot wait to go back. How I missed it. Poor Jon. Now he is going to spend a small fortune on beach hotel rooms from now on. Poor guy.
I took an edition of Oxygen with me. I am glad that I did. It taught me a lot. I am weak. I need to work on strength. I always talk about taking "it" to the next level but never really do. My friend Ann taught me a lot last week. We were running and it was hot...about 80. Hot and humid. We did finish our 4 miles. I mentioned to her that I wanted to stop at mile 2. She said, "Well, you finished and you run even further if you had or wanted to." She was right. As much as I felt like I might fall over, I could do it. It is in me. I carried that thought with me throughout my vacation as I ran on the beach. I wanted to quit some of the time, but I kept on going because I knew that I could do it. Thanks, Ann. She is a good friend. That is clear. Back to clean eating tomorrow and I am going to do it. I am going to get down to 135 where I want to weigh and I am going to run a half marathon (I think--depends on schedule when my son starts school in the fall.) Clean eating and taking care of myself. Folks often say that life is too short to not eat dessert or sit and relax. I say life is too short not to eat well and take care of my body. I do not want to live forever, but I want to live well while I am here and that means taking care of myself and eating well and being healthy and following through on some serious dreams of mine. I tend to get into fits where I lament over what I missed out on in college because I was fat and depressed. Time to make it for it now. I can never get my youth back, but I can live now and enjoy life and enjoy this part of my youth.
No one got sunburned any place other than their face so I think I did fairly well. I totally sweat that one!
I took an edition of Oxygen with me. I am glad that I did. It taught me a lot. I am weak. I need to work on strength. I always talk about taking "it" to the next level but never really do. My friend Ann taught me a lot last week. We were running and it was hot...about 80. Hot and humid. We did finish our 4 miles. I mentioned to her that I wanted to stop at mile 2. She said, "Well, you finished and you run even further if you had or wanted to." She was right. As much as I felt like I might fall over, I could do it. It is in me. I carried that thought with me throughout my vacation as I ran on the beach. I wanted to quit some of the time, but I kept on going because I knew that I could do it. Thanks, Ann. She is a good friend. That is clear. Back to clean eating tomorrow and I am going to do it. I am going to get down to 135 where I want to weigh and I am going to run a half marathon (I think--depends on schedule when my son starts school in the fall.) Clean eating and taking care of myself. Folks often say that life is too short to not eat dessert or sit and relax. I say life is too short not to eat well and take care of my body. I do not want to live forever, but I want to live well while I am here and that means taking care of myself and eating well and being healthy and following through on some serious dreams of mine. I tend to get into fits where I lament over what I missed out on in college because I was fat and depressed. Time to make it for it now. I can never get my youth back, but I can live now and enjoy life and enjoy this part of my youth.
No one got sunburned any place other than their face so I think I did fairly well. I totally sweat that one!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
They say everything happens for a reason
but there are still some things I do not know why they happen. I had close friends lose their daughter in a tragic accident 6 years ago. I was pregnant with my first child at the time and I just remember not understanding why she had to die. I could not understand why that was part of this great plan. Then her parents later went on to have another child they never would have had otherwise. Then I understood a little more. Would they return their son to have their daughter back. I am betting not. It is a complicated issue. In theory, you would want to have both, but one would not exist without the other passing. I personally think that their son is going to do something great in life. Maybe he will cure cancer. I do not know, but there is a reason he is here. I understand that. What I do not get, though, are the types of stories I read about yesterday. A five year old found a gun in his house and accidentally shot his 2 year old brother in the head. What purpose does that serve? As a mom, I will tell you that I had I been that mother, I would have gone to jail over it. Why? Because I would never have let my 5 year old know that he had shot his brother. I would have claimed it as my own fault. I would not want my child knowing that he did that for the rest of his life, and as a five year old, he would eventually forget. They would take me to jail, but it would not matter to me. So tell me how is that accident that happened with the brothers part of this great plan. I cannot make sense of it.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Tomorrow
I got a new calender today to help me keep track of my workouts and my life in general. My old one ended so it was time. I told my hubby last night that I just want to be me and pretty much that is it. I just want to be happy with being me. That means living a little more and worrying a little less...I hope. We will see.
Monday, July 4, 2011
We had a great day....
It was a super way to spend sometime together...I have to admit that I am a bit of a fan of the Fresh Beat Band. The show is cute and I think the singing and dancing. I do not like the new red haired chick. The old one was really pretty. Oh well. Things change.
Speaking of change...lord do I ever hate getting old. We went to a water park today. The kids loved it. It made me feel old. I was thinking back to when my husband and I lived in Williamsburg. Why the hell were we working at a restaurant instead of hanging out at a water park all day working there getting sun and staying fit. How stupid we were. It would have been a much better and probably positive lifestyle for both of us. Being there today made me think of how much time I missed out on in college by being a miserable person in general and working in the restaurant only added to that. Rather than getting me out amongst kids my own age and maybe adding to who I was as a person, I wasted my time hanging out with townies who were negative, unhappy, not the best examples, and were not people who would help me be a better person. I missed out. So did my hubby. Living that way aged me and made me older than I was, and I was not one who necessarily needed any help with that either, trust me. I spent so much time waiting to be older as a kid that I never really lived in my youth. Now I feel like I missed out on so much. In some ways Jon and I still live like that so today we broke out of our shell a bit and did something completely spontaneous. Never ever before would we have woke up and had breakfast and then decided to take an hour plus road trip to go a water park without a lot of planning first. It just never would have happened before. Never.
I am tired of feeling old and tired. Some days I am so tired. I am over it. I want to feel young and energetic. I felt younger around Christmas when I was rowing on a daily basis. I want to feel that way again. I love running, though. I hope to have found a way to incorporate both. We will see how my new schedule works out. The am runs are getting tougher as it gets hotter each day even first thing in the morning.
I just find it so sad that it has taken me so long to find the best version of myself. If I had found her a decade ago, certainly life might be different, but then again, maybe not. I would never want to change all of the wonderful things about my life...my husband, my kids, or my job. Life is funny.
My largest tomato plant has fallen over. I staked it so I hope it makes it. It has the only tomatoes I will eat on it. The other plants are cherry tomatoes which I will not eat. (Although they are quite plentiful.) Gardening is tough work and so disappointing when a plant falls over and dies so I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Wondering what spontaneous thing we might do next week....wondering if that will happen. For now, my only goal is to get to the gym each day and to row 12,000 meters this week. We will see.
Speaking of change...lord do I ever hate getting old. We went to a water park today. The kids loved it. It made me feel old. I was thinking back to when my husband and I lived in Williamsburg. Why the hell were we working at a restaurant instead of hanging out at a water park all day working there getting sun and staying fit. How stupid we were. It would have been a much better and probably positive lifestyle for both of us. Being there today made me think of how much time I missed out on in college by being a miserable person in general and working in the restaurant only added to that. Rather than getting me out amongst kids my own age and maybe adding to who I was as a person, I wasted my time hanging out with townies who were negative, unhappy, not the best examples, and were not people who would help me be a better person. I missed out. So did my hubby. Living that way aged me and made me older than I was, and I was not one who necessarily needed any help with that either, trust me. I spent so much time waiting to be older as a kid that I never really lived in my youth. Now I feel like I missed out on so much. In some ways Jon and I still live like that so today we broke out of our shell a bit and did something completely spontaneous. Never ever before would we have woke up and had breakfast and then decided to take an hour plus road trip to go a water park without a lot of planning first. It just never would have happened before. Never.
I am tired of feeling old and tired. Some days I am so tired. I am over it. I want to feel young and energetic. I felt younger around Christmas when I was rowing on a daily basis. I want to feel that way again. I love running, though. I hope to have found a way to incorporate both. We will see how my new schedule works out. The am runs are getting tougher as it gets hotter each day even first thing in the morning.
I just find it so sad that it has taken me so long to find the best version of myself. If I had found her a decade ago, certainly life might be different, but then again, maybe not. I would never want to change all of the wonderful things about my life...my husband, my kids, or my job. Life is funny.
My largest tomato plant has fallen over. I staked it so I hope it makes it. It has the only tomatoes I will eat on it. The other plants are cherry tomatoes which I will not eat. (Although they are quite plentiful.) Gardening is tough work and so disappointing when a plant falls over and dies so I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Wondering what spontaneous thing we might do next week....wondering if that will happen. For now, my only goal is to get to the gym each day and to row 12,000 meters this week. We will see.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Life has taken harder turns
I sit here recovering from a few things. 1. My skin was either getting eaten by something or reacting to something. Doc called it dermatitis, of course, but we all know that is a generic term for skin eruption and we don't know why. It is also on my face which is worse for me. A nice tube of steroid cream and it is finally healing. Mercifully. The set under my breasts itches horribly, though, so I am praying that set is the second set to heal. 2. This conversion at work. It has been a long 30 days. I have not been able to take care of myself physically the way that I like too. The end is almost here so I am hoping once I get back from Knoxy later this week, that will change. Hubby keeps talking about the tone in my body and how nice it is. No doubt, I have lost some. I hope to regain it quickly once my mind is over the conversion of WBXX. 3. Trying to figure out if something is eating me and what the "hail" is causing the "dermatitis." Hubby was out of town on Fri night, but I still pulled our entire bed apart looking for bedbugs or signs of them. Nothing. All I found was a lot of dust. I mean I pulled the bed apart. It is a king so it was tough work. The kids hung out in the bathroom because both hate the vacuum. Then yesterday I cleaned the entire upstairs. No bugs still, but at least it is clean and really cleaned. Stuff got moved and vacuumed under. Dust is gone. Bonus for that at least. No new bumps erupted last night so if there was a bug, I got it. 4. (and this one is a bit harder for me.) I am still trying to cope with my marriage and family life taking harder turns than I ever expected. It is a long, drawn out story, but I am not sure that my marriage will ever be the same again. I am not sure that it can be. It as that moment of you are going along thinking that your life is perfect...well maybe not perfect. Lord knows how stressed I have been with this conversion at work, but my family life has been great, and then something comes up totally out of left field that changes the foundation of your marriage. Part of that is me. I tend to retreat when I feel threatened, but stuff like this always leaves me wondering about the implications for the future. We are not quite 12 short years into our marriage. If this has come up so soon when we are both still not even mid-life, what will happen over the next decade? I marry for life. Anything less is not an option so what happens is the marriage ultimately dissolves? Do we trudge on just living together but not really being engaged in our lives together? I spent a good part of my youth wanting something more than I had as a child. Let's face it, my childhood was not the happiest. It was overtaken by my sister's illness and a mother who felt the need to control everything down to the tiniest detail. I spent days dreaming about what my life would be like when I was older, and I had control over my destiny. I would dream a lot about the person I would marry so in my mind I have spend years waiting for my husband. Years yearning and hoping he would be the right person and the right choice, and we would have a good life together. I thought we did until a week ago. Like I said, I recognize that part of it is me, but he should know that about me by now. I have never been one for surprises. Never. I need to prepare and let things sink in for a while. That is how I best cope. My initial reaction is always a negative one. I need to ponder and wade through to really get to the heart of how I am feeling. So what to do now? I don't know. I leave for Knoxy tomorrow for three days so the timing is either horrible or great. Not sure which....
Friday, March 4, 2011
Everything is swirling around
I had a good friend tell me yesterday that her husband said that their marriage is over. They have been married less than 2 years. What the hell? I feel awful for her. It is painful for me. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is dealing with right now. I want so bad to promise her it will be ok or that he will come back if that is what she wants. I want to fix it. She is one of the kindest people that I know. She is just a good, genuine person. So sad.
My husband finds it ironic that this happens as I go forward on my own "journey" back into therapy. I know I am not depressed, but it was nice to hear it from a professional yesterday. For me, the stress is overwhelming. The counselor actually corrected me. It is not the stress; rather, it is my anxiety when I get stressed that is killing me. I prepare my body for the worst and start thinking awful thoughts even over stupid little things. I just want to fix it.
The funny is that I understand my friend's husband (well, not in his wanting a divorce) in how he behaves otherwise and his thinking about things. He and I are messed up in similar ways. He thinks he is now better and "realized" that they have nothing in common and wants to leave. I found that as I got "better" I finally found the love that I had wanted for my husband all along. There were years when I loved him, but was not actively engaged in loving him. When I finally started to really get better and get on a better path, I really started to actively love and desire him. It was an answer to my prayers. For me, marriage is forever. I would never and will never consider leaving him, but I so wanted that loving, emotional relationship. I wanted it so badly that prayed for it. I found it finally and have been thankful since. It took 10 years, but we found it. Thank goodness my husband can put up with a lot. A lot of men would have left before then. Thank goodness he did not because our relationship is better now than it has ever been, and I personally feel that the wait was well worth it.
My husband finds it ironic that this happens as I go forward on my own "journey" back into therapy. I know I am not depressed, but it was nice to hear it from a professional yesterday. For me, the stress is overwhelming. The counselor actually corrected me. It is not the stress; rather, it is my anxiety when I get stressed that is killing me. I prepare my body for the worst and start thinking awful thoughts even over stupid little things. I just want to fix it.
The funny is that I understand my friend's husband (well, not in his wanting a divorce) in how he behaves otherwise and his thinking about things. He and I are messed up in similar ways. He thinks he is now better and "realized" that they have nothing in common and wants to leave. I found that as I got "better" I finally found the love that I had wanted for my husband all along. There were years when I loved him, but was not actively engaged in loving him. When I finally started to really get better and get on a better path, I really started to actively love and desire him. It was an answer to my prayers. For me, marriage is forever. I would never and will never consider leaving him, but I so wanted that loving, emotional relationship. I wanted it so badly that prayed for it. I found it finally and have been thankful since. It took 10 years, but we found it. Thank goodness my husband can put up with a lot. A lot of men would have left before then. Thank goodness he did not because our relationship is better now than it has ever been, and I personally feel that the wait was well worth it.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Still trying to get back to a normal life
I guess it is because life was so crazy for a while that it is taking me so long to get back to normalcy. I did get out of bed to hit the gym this am, and I did run yesterday and Monday, but I am still not losing weight. I am thinking that the sodium in my diet is causing some issues or my body is just holding on waiting for another trauma. I am not sure. It is driving me crazy. I so did not want to get out of bed this am, but I did. Then I so did not want to row, but I did. I am actually really proud of how much I have run this week and I plan to run another 5k tomorrow at lunch. If I can hit 15 miles this week, I will be really happy. The weight should be melting off, but it is not. I am gaining weight rather. Aside from the sausage (which is what I think has caused the retaining of water) we have the most boring dinner last night. Tonight is spaghetti and meatballs. We will see how that goes...
I feel sorry for my mother. I finally talked to my hubby about some competitive issues that I have. They have been on my mind a lot lately. I hate them. I hate the feelings they bring up. I talked to him about how my mother raised me to be like this. I tried to figure out why she did that and then it dawned on me that my mother was jealous of everyone else. I mean everyone. She never felt beautiful so she was jealous of anyone who was attractive. She never had large breasts so she was jealous of anyone who did (which is probably by she was so focused on my sister's chest for so long...well, still is.) She did not come from a wealthy family so she was jealous of those who had stuff. She had a mother who was not very nice to her so she was jealous of those who had nice, normal families. How sad is that? I am guessing since most days my father is not the best husband that she is jealous of women who have wonderful husbands. I am not guessing actually. I am quite sure of it. Talk about always focusing on what you don't have. Now wonder she is not happy in life. We all make decisions that affect the rest of our lives. One thing my mother has lamented on since I have been alive is the fact that she never got to go to grad school and oh, how is has affected her career. She makes it out like my father kept her from doing it by not making enough money. No. That is not the whole story. The truth is if my mother had not gotten pregnant right after they got married, she could have gone to grad school. Because she got pregnant and had a kid, she had to work to help support the child. That is the truth of the matter and the realization I have come to. For years, she has blamed my dad, but the truth lies with her. She complains how they struggled especially when my brother came along almost 3 years after my sister. Mom, it is called birth control. I guess part of me is just tired of hearing it.
I feel sorry for my mother. I finally talked to my hubby about some competitive issues that I have. They have been on my mind a lot lately. I hate them. I hate the feelings they bring up. I talked to him about how my mother raised me to be like this. I tried to figure out why she did that and then it dawned on me that my mother was jealous of everyone else. I mean everyone. She never felt beautiful so she was jealous of anyone who was attractive. She never had large breasts so she was jealous of anyone who did (which is probably by she was so focused on my sister's chest for so long...well, still is.) She did not come from a wealthy family so she was jealous of those who had stuff. She had a mother who was not very nice to her so she was jealous of those who had nice, normal families. How sad is that? I am guessing since most days my father is not the best husband that she is jealous of women who have wonderful husbands. I am not guessing actually. I am quite sure of it. Talk about always focusing on what you don't have. Now wonder she is not happy in life. We all make decisions that affect the rest of our lives. One thing my mother has lamented on since I have been alive is the fact that she never got to go to grad school and oh, how is has affected her career. She makes it out like my father kept her from doing it by not making enough money. No. That is not the whole story. The truth is if my mother had not gotten pregnant right after they got married, she could have gone to grad school. Because she got pregnant and had a kid, she had to work to help support the child. That is the truth of the matter and the realization I have come to. For years, she has blamed my dad, but the truth lies with her. She complains how they struggled especially when my brother came along almost 3 years after my sister. Mom, it is called birth control. I guess part of me is just tired of hearing it.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Trevor Bane & Dale Earnhardt
Who would think that 20 year old starting in only his second Sprint Cup Race could win the Daytona 500. It was a great moment for racing. You could tell that even the other drivers were happy despite losing. It was pretty cool.
I did not watch NASCAR back when Dale Sr. died. I remember hearing about it. How could I not. I work in TV and it was all over TV. Seeing the memorials for it this week has been very sad. I imagine the event certainly messed up Michael Waltrip. It seems to have shaken him to the core, but this weekend, Michael Waltrip won the truck race exactly 10 years to the day after Dale died. How crazy is that? Michael Waltrip has never been a contender in a truck race before. I am not even sure he ever drove on before, but he did it. It was like divine intervention, or intervention from Dale himself.... There was something very poignant about it, and I will say that Dale Earnhardt would be excited to see such a young driver like Trevor Bane win today. It is great for racing in general.
For my two cents, I am happy that racing has started. I hate when it ends. For me, the start of racing means that spring is on its way. The end of the NASCAR season means that winter is coming so I hate it. I love the start of the season. With the start of NASCAR comes so many good things...spring, summer, flowers, warm weather, gardening, etc. It just gets better and better.
I did not watch NASCAR back when Dale Sr. died. I remember hearing about it. How could I not. I work in TV and it was all over TV. Seeing the memorials for it this week has been very sad. I imagine the event certainly messed up Michael Waltrip. It seems to have shaken him to the core, but this weekend, Michael Waltrip won the truck race exactly 10 years to the day after Dale died. How crazy is that? Michael Waltrip has never been a contender in a truck race before. I am not even sure he ever drove on before, but he did it. It was like divine intervention, or intervention from Dale himself.... There was something very poignant about it, and I will say that Dale Earnhardt would be excited to see such a young driver like Trevor Bane win today. It is great for racing in general.
For my two cents, I am happy that racing has started. I hate when it ends. For me, the start of racing means that spring is on its way. The end of the NASCAR season means that winter is coming so I hate it. I love the start of the season. With the start of NASCAR comes so many good things...spring, summer, flowers, warm weather, gardening, etc. It just gets better and better.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
27 days and counting.
My birthday is on its way soon. I just realized that since February is a short month that it is closer than I thought. Yikes....
I do not mind getting old. I just do not want to look old. Yuck.
The kids are going to my mother-in-law's this weekend. I would be lying if I said that I were not excited. I so need a few hours away from them when I am not working or doing something for work or trying to jam in a shopping trip and the stations' deposits during lunch.
I have gained weight and it depresses me. I am up to 140. I was down to 134 for a while pre surgery. I expected to gain some weight, but not 5-6 pounds. I have got to get back down. I hate holidays especially Valentine's Day because it is just junkfood central. We also had cupcakes and donuts at work today. I ate neither which was tough.
I do not mind getting old. I just do not want to look old. Yuck.
The kids are going to my mother-in-law's this weekend. I would be lying if I said that I were not excited. I so need a few hours away from them when I am not working or doing something for work or trying to jam in a shopping trip and the stations' deposits during lunch.
I have gained weight and it depresses me. I am up to 140. I was down to 134 for a while pre surgery. I expected to gain some weight, but not 5-6 pounds. I have got to get back down. I hate holidays especially Valentine's Day because it is just junkfood central. We also had cupcakes and donuts at work today. I ate neither which was tough.
Monday, February 14, 2011
My totem
We have this joke in our family about totems. To protect the dopey and clueless (and neglectful) I will not get into why we have this joke. Just know, we occasionally refer to our totems and what they might be. Mine is a hawk for sure. How do I know? This hawk that lives by our house follows me around. Last summer it would follow me in the am when I was out running. Then one day I ran by a fountain in our neighborhood and there it was sitting there looking at me. Just looking at me. I was outside on Sat for the first time in months and it swoops down about 20 feet in front of me. Then it was hanging out on top of a house close by this am. I feel like it is my life force which scares me a bit. What if it dies....
Speaking of death. God, I hate getting old. I do not want to stay young...the eternally youthful die young but I hate looking old and looking old goes along with getting old. I look at my skin and see lines that I never thought I would see. I look at my skin and see ridges where there were never ridges before. I find it gross. I used to have such pretty skin. People talked about how nice it was. I never wore foundation. I never needed to. Now I have to use 800 gallons of lotion to even out the shape and then foundation to even out the tone. So sad. I wish I had started a serious skin care regimen when I was in my 20's. Maybe it would have helped.
They did a study earlier this year that said that women consider 50 the magic age where men no longer notice them. Great...I am 15 years from that. Men used to look at me all of the time. Now they look by me. So depressing. Am I resigned to just being a mom and looking like the mom that I am? I want to feel sexy and vibrant. I guess that is part of the thing...I thought a lift and implants would do that. It does for my body, but not for the rest of me.
Speaking of death. God, I hate getting old. I do not want to stay young...the eternally youthful die young but I hate looking old and looking old goes along with getting old. I look at my skin and see lines that I never thought I would see. I look at my skin and see ridges where there were never ridges before. I find it gross. I used to have such pretty skin. People talked about how nice it was. I never wore foundation. I never needed to. Now I have to use 800 gallons of lotion to even out the shape and then foundation to even out the tone. So sad. I wish I had started a serious skin care regimen when I was in my 20's. Maybe it would have helped.
They did a study earlier this year that said that women consider 50 the magic age where men no longer notice them. Great...I am 15 years from that. Men used to look at me all of the time. Now they look by me. So depressing. Am I resigned to just being a mom and looking like the mom that I am? I want to feel sexy and vibrant. I guess that is part of the thing...I thought a lift and implants would do that. It does for my body, but not for the rest of me.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Karma: Ever wonder where your life is going
and how small things affect it? It has been a crazy 8 days. I mean crazy. Yesterday at work ended with me driving with a co-worker to some random dude's apartment to see if he mistakenly received our time calculators for MC. It is like what the hell. I cannot help but wonder how in the whole scheme of things, this is part of a plan. My karma is really not good right now. I need to do something to fix it. The same co-worker keeps telling me I need to do something nice for someone. Ok, what? I am nice to AE's all day but that is my job. Not sure what to do....
I have been reading the Candace Dempsey book about Amanda Knox. The trial in Italy was something I followed early on. I was curious to see if I could understand what really happened and if she helped kill her roommate. I have always loved true crime. That love started early when I read Helter Skelter for the first time at age 14 or 15, I think. After that, I read all I could find that Vincent Bugliosi had written. Then I went to Ann Rule, of course. But back to Amanda Knox. I guess part of my interest in her story in particular was that my father was one of the original defense attorney's for the Norfolk Four so I know very well about false confession and the tactics police use to get them. I can only imagine how much worse that could be with a serious language barrier. In following the trial, I wanted her to be guilty and then other days I did not. I guess part of that is that she is an American and I would not want to think that an American girl could possibly kill her British roommate. Then, I wanted to think her guilty because I really do believe that most of the times, the cops have it right. I have always said that I do not know whether or not she did it, but I do not believe that the evidence warranted her being found guilty. Being halfway through this book, I have serious doubts about her guilt. Things that I took at face value from the press are simply not true. The language barrier and American inuendos were too much for the Italian police. That is clear. So sad for all involved. I do believe one day she will be free, but so much damage is done in the meantime. I feel so sorry for her mother. As a mom, I have thought about her often as I read this book. How painful it must be to have her daughter locked away in a foreign country and know that there is little you can do to help her. The pain would be awful. It overwhelms me to even think about it.
I believe in karma and karma has balanced things out a bit for the Norfolk Four. The main detective who helped get the false confessions was convicted of extortion in 2010. I personally know about karma... I love it some days and hate it others. We will see how today goes.
I have been reading the Candace Dempsey book about Amanda Knox. The trial in Italy was something I followed early on. I was curious to see if I could understand what really happened and if she helped kill her roommate. I have always loved true crime. That love started early when I read Helter Skelter for the first time at age 14 or 15, I think. After that, I read all I could find that Vincent Bugliosi had written. Then I went to Ann Rule, of course. But back to Amanda Knox. I guess part of my interest in her story in particular was that my father was one of the original defense attorney's for the Norfolk Four so I know very well about false confession and the tactics police use to get them. I can only imagine how much worse that could be with a serious language barrier. In following the trial, I wanted her to be guilty and then other days I did not. I guess part of that is that she is an American and I would not want to think that an American girl could possibly kill her British roommate. Then, I wanted to think her guilty because I really do believe that most of the times, the cops have it right. I have always said that I do not know whether or not she did it, but I do not believe that the evidence warranted her being found guilty. Being halfway through this book, I have serious doubts about her guilt. Things that I took at face value from the press are simply not true. The language barrier and American inuendos were too much for the Italian police. That is clear. So sad for all involved. I do believe one day she will be free, but so much damage is done in the meantime. I feel so sorry for her mother. As a mom, I have thought about her often as I read this book. How painful it must be to have her daughter locked away in a foreign country and know that there is little you can do to help her. The pain would be awful. It overwhelms me to even think about it.
I believe in karma and karma has balanced things out a bit for the Norfolk Four. The main detective who helped get the false confessions was convicted of extortion in 2010. I personally know about karma... I love it some days and hate it others. We will see how today goes.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Feel like I need to get my mojo back.
I guess it is the surgery and the winter combined. I feel like I am far away from who I was a month ago as far as feeling sexy and womanly. Part of that is because I am always in a bra. I mean always. 24/7. I take it off to shower. Part of that is that I cannot really lay the way I used to in bed and I am covered all of the time due to the cold. I tried on halter tops and they look amazing on, but who can wear a halter top when it is 35. I guess it started prior to the surgery. I wore heels less...the excuse being that I might end up in pain and then not be able to work out. Now in my defense, my foot has shrunk (do not get it either) so a lot of my shoes are too big now and you cannot wear a heel that is too big. I need to get back to being me. Part of that is going to the gym each day. I missed yesterday. I was just exhausted. It was just easier to stay in bed. I find it is so hard to get out of bed when it is dark and cold. The sun does not even come up prior to leaving the gym!!! I know that I am still recovering from surgery and all, but I could have at least gone to walk or something. Then fast forward to today...the person who was supposed to open the gym this am, missed their wake-up call. Got there are 5a. Lights still off. Lights still off at 5:08. Finally people who were waiting at the door went back to their cars. Apparently, the lifeguard of the pool called the person who was supposed to open and got voicemail. He then called another person, but if you are not up at 5am on purpose, who answers their phone? So here I am at home. The garage is too cold for working out there. I did do my ab exercises, though. I just need to get back to being me. I felt good about myself and sexy. I made an effort. These days I make a half effort. My eating habits are in the toilet. I had a little mini Ben & Jerry's ice cream for snack yesterday. That is just not me. I need to get back to clean eating.
As of today we are officially half-way through winter. The ground hog promised an early spring so hopefully he will deliver that this year since the last few years it was definitely a later spring. I long for the sun, the warmth, and the beauty that spring has to offer. I know people hate the yellow wind that passes through in the spring, the breeze covered with pollen. I love it. I think it is beautiful. It is life regenerating.
Not sure what to do up at 5:40am. Got a good hour before I need to really get going. Damn gym...
As of today we are officially half-way through winter. The ground hog promised an early spring so hopefully he will deliver that this year since the last few years it was definitely a later spring. I long for the sun, the warmth, and the beauty that spring has to offer. I know people hate the yellow wind that passes through in the spring, the breeze covered with pollen. I love it. I think it is beautiful. It is life regenerating.
Not sure what to do up at 5:40am. Got a good hour before I need to really get going. Damn gym...
Monday, January 31, 2011
Finally tried on halter tops
and WOW! So happy that I did. It made all of the pain and suffering and the not being to move my arms easily worth it. They look amazing on me!!! One sundress can never be worn again...well, not out of the house anyways which is kind of a bummer because it looks great one. Back to the gym tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. I went this past Saturday and actually rowed. I was so proud of myself for that. I felt ok after. My chest hurts a bit now, but that will go away. I was so sore on Sunday! I bought a few new items and a new bikini. It is on back order, though, until April. I want to really get down to 130 now. I do not want to lose more than that just in case it causes sag. That is the last thing I want. I am so happy with my breasts post surgery. I do not want them to change!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now as the second fix for my one-third life crisis, I am moving on to juvederm. I am going to talk to my PS about it next week. Bless my hubby. He is so understanding about my desire to get some help to look better. I am very thankful for that. It is a lot of $ for both the surgery and now the juvederm. I just want to look hot. I am partway there....seriously the surgery on my breasts took me from 6 body to an 8-9, and I work really hard at the gym so I should be at least an 8 or 9!
Thankful for halter tops these days. They make it all worth it!
Now as the second fix for my one-third life crisis, I am moving on to juvederm. I am going to talk to my PS about it next week. Bless my hubby. He is so understanding about my desire to get some help to look better. I am very thankful for that. It is a lot of $ for both the surgery and now the juvederm. I just want to look hot. I am partway there....seriously the surgery on my breasts took me from 6 body to an 8-9, and I work really hard at the gym so I should be at least an 8 or 9!
Thankful for halter tops these days. They make it all worth it!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Burning feeling
The progression post surgery is quite amusing. I was quite depressed one day because on breast dropped faster than the other. Then two days later they were even again. Now the left one has dropped a bit more again. Funny how it goes. It definitely increases anxiety. My one-third life crisis is truly in full effect. Now I am dying to get juvederm for sure. Might have to really beg hubby for the $ for that one after paying for my surgery.
I am looking forward to halter top weather. Will be very nice with my new chest. I am counting down the days....
I am looking forward to halter top weather. Will be very nice with my new chest. I am counting down the days....
Monday, January 24, 2011
Hormones all messed up.
I knew that my surgery would mess up my hormones. It is quite painful. I am having leg cramps despite the fact that I should not get my period for another two weeks. Very annoying. I am very happy with my surgery so far. Part of me just wants my breasts to stay like this! No changes at all!
I feel 10 years younger. Now I just need juvederm to complete the picture...
I feel 10 years younger. Now I just need juvederm to complete the picture...
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Things I miss:
1. Washing my own hair.
2. Washing my face.
3. Curling up with my hubby at the end of each day.
4. Getting an awesome buttrub from DH at the end of the day.
5. Rowing and running.
6. The feeling of leaving the gym after an awesome workout. It just made me thankful to be alive that am.
7. Laying on my side.
8. Not wearing a bra.
9. Being able to lay on my back without incredible pain shooting through my left arm.
10. Being able to take a shirt off without pain.
11. Feeling svelte.
12. Putting my hair in a ponytail.
These are little things I took for granted prior to surgery. I know that my body will eventually get back to normal but in the meantime, I have those moments where I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Do not get me wrong...I look terrific, but I do miss these things and I feel especially distant from my hubby. That is about to make me crazy. Well, that and the 24/7 bra thing.
2. Washing my face.
3. Curling up with my hubby at the end of each day.
4. Getting an awesome buttrub from DH at the end of the day.
5. Rowing and running.
6. The feeling of leaving the gym after an awesome workout. It just made me thankful to be alive that am.
7. Laying on my side.
8. Not wearing a bra.
9. Being able to lay on my back without incredible pain shooting through my left arm.
10. Being able to take a shirt off without pain.
11. Feeling svelte.
12. Putting my hair in a ponytail.
These are little things I took for granted prior to surgery. I know that my body will eventually get back to normal but in the meantime, I have those moments where I wonder what the hell I was thinking. Do not get me wrong...I look terrific, but I do miss these things and I feel especially distant from my hubby. That is about to make me crazy. Well, that and the 24/7 bra thing.
Friday, January 21, 2011
I did it.
I had surgery and now it is 9 days post op. I am loving my results. I have the breasts of a fairly well endowed 18 year old and even though I have always had decent sized breasts, I was never this perky or high. The pain is tough but I would not trade it for my before look. I am surprised that I did it honestly. I totally thought about chickening out at the last minute...yes, it did cross my mind, but I went through it. I am so pleased!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
It is almost here....
The day of my surgery is almost here. I cannot believe it. Two more work days and then the next day is surgery. I scheduled it months ago so it is just hard to believe that I have almost made it. I knew once December started that time would just fly on by. I remember when I scheduled the surgery thinking, "Can I really do this? Am I really going to spend the $. Should I really do this?" If all goes well and there are few to no complications, I truly think that this will be the best $10G we have ever spent.
I had a dream last night that I was post surgery and going to see my OB/gyn for some crazy reason. Anyways, my breasts were at first smaller than I wanted, but then all of a sudden they were bigger and exactly what I wanted. It was nice. I hope that I am larger enough, but not too larger. After it is all said and done, I think a DD is truly what I am aiming for. I can get a revision to go smaller as I get older since I will likely need a lift again at some point anyways.
I totally embarrassed myself with my boss last week. He knows about the surgery so he asked if I was nervous about next week. We ended up talking about recovery. So he says to me, "Do not do too much." I think he is talking about the surgery so I say, "Do not worry. I am not going all Dolly Parton on you." No, he was still talking about recovery. I wanted to hide in his closet. I was so embarrassed that I started sweating profusely. It was bad. One of my co-workers who has had surgery said that it is because my mind is focused only on surgery and she is right. I have to get through that to get to the recovery portion so I am very focused on surgery only for now.
I get up early Tu-Sat for workouts, but I have started getting up early on Sundays too so that I have time to myself in the am. It is so nice. I just sit here and do whatever the hell I want. No kids bothering me. Nothing to do other than exactly what I want. No kids shows on. Nothing. I really enjoy it. I hope to keep doing it long term. Just so nice and peaceful. Before I am able to workout again, I might do that a few times a week.
Yes, the workouts. That is the only thing bothering me about the surgery. I hate that I cannot work out for two weeks at a minimum and I know even then that I will have to work my more strenous exercises back in like running and rowing which sucks because I really think the combo is what is taking more weight off. I am down to 134.5. Never thought that would happen. My goal is still 130. The surgery will bloat me and even add 2-3 pounds for the implants, but my goal is not to be 130 by Memorial Day. I figure (and hope) that I will be back to full running and rowing by my birthday. If I can do and do not gain more than a few pounds (not just implant pounds) post surgery then I can get there. I never thought I would get below 140 and then never thought I would get below 135 so this has been great! I just have to stay here, though, and not gain too much weight while I wait to work out. I am in the best shape of my life and do not want to lose that at all. Telling you...rowing and running is the magic combo.
I had a dream last night that I was post surgery and going to see my OB/gyn for some crazy reason. Anyways, my breasts were at first smaller than I wanted, but then all of a sudden they were bigger and exactly what I wanted. It was nice. I hope that I am larger enough, but not too larger. After it is all said and done, I think a DD is truly what I am aiming for. I can get a revision to go smaller as I get older since I will likely need a lift again at some point anyways.
I totally embarrassed myself with my boss last week. He knows about the surgery so he asked if I was nervous about next week. We ended up talking about recovery. So he says to me, "Do not do too much." I think he is talking about the surgery so I say, "Do not worry. I am not going all Dolly Parton on you." No, he was still talking about recovery. I wanted to hide in his closet. I was so embarrassed that I started sweating profusely. It was bad. One of my co-workers who has had surgery said that it is because my mind is focused only on surgery and she is right. I have to get through that to get to the recovery portion so I am very focused on surgery only for now.
I get up early Tu-Sat for workouts, but I have started getting up early on Sundays too so that I have time to myself in the am. It is so nice. I just sit here and do whatever the hell I want. No kids bothering me. Nothing to do other than exactly what I want. No kids shows on. Nothing. I really enjoy it. I hope to keep doing it long term. Just so nice and peaceful. Before I am able to workout again, I might do that a few times a week.
Yes, the workouts. That is the only thing bothering me about the surgery. I hate that I cannot work out for two weeks at a minimum and I know even then that I will have to work my more strenous exercises back in like running and rowing which sucks because I really think the combo is what is taking more weight off. I am down to 134.5. Never thought that would happen. My goal is still 130. The surgery will bloat me and even add 2-3 pounds for the implants, but my goal is not to be 130 by Memorial Day. I figure (and hope) that I will be back to full running and rowing by my birthday. If I can do and do not gain more than a few pounds (not just implant pounds) post surgery then I can get there. I never thought I would get below 140 and then never thought I would get below 135 so this has been great! I just have to stay here, though, and not gain too much weight while I wait to work out. I am in the best shape of my life and do not want to lose that at all. Telling you...rowing and running is the magic combo.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
10 days until surgery
I am getting more and more nervous as it gets closer. I am, however, ready for the surgery to be here. I get more and more self conscious about my breasts as the days get closer. I am anxious to have the surgery and then start the recovery process. Pain. I am worried that I will be lying around post surgery with nothing to do but focus on the pain. That will be fun and enjoyable.
I hate January. It is the worst month. I hate February too but at least that month leads to March where we get a glimpse or two of spring weather. January is cold and wet and dark. Take today. It is a perfect January day. Cold, wet and no hope of doing anything outside. I get cabin fever, and I see more and more as the kids get older the toll that it takes on them to be inside of the house all of the time. They go stir crazy too. Trying to survive the winter with kids is miserable. They are much happier when they are outside playing too.
I hate January. It is the worst month. I hate February too but at least that month leads to March where we get a glimpse or two of spring weather. January is cold and wet and dark. Take today. It is a perfect January day. Cold, wet and no hope of doing anything outside. I get cabin fever, and I see more and more as the kids get older the toll that it takes on them to be inside of the house all of the time. They go stir crazy too. Trying to survive the winter with kids is miserable. They are much happier when they are outside playing too.
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