Halloween

When you are a mom who does not take the kids trick or treating, Halloween is a pretty lonely holiday.  It is not like I can do go something I might want to do.  I have to sit by the door.  I am just sitting here doing nothing and bored.  I am pretty stuffed so I cannot eat out of boredom.  I just sit her doing nothing but watch TV which I loathe for the most part.  I know that sounds odd considering my profession but it is true.  Today was a horrible day.  It started out really well.  My BFF and I killed it running our 4 miles this am.  Then when I got home, it started from there and just got worse as the day went on.  Honestly, I did not even want to come home.  I wanted to stay at work as awful as that was.  At least there, though, no one was there so I could hide out and be alone.  Well, one of my co-workers was there working, but she is one of my favorites.  We are very similar in very different ways and very different in similar ways.  Only she would really understand what the means.  It makes sense for us.  I am hoping for a better day tomorrow.  We will see!  Cannot be worse!

Running

Today's run was long.  I got through it amazingly enough.  2 hours and 11 minutes.  It was at least 13 and a half miles.  I feel good, though.  I am exhausted but happy that I got through it.  I am a bit wind burned from the wind from Sandy which amuses me. 
My hubby does not really understand yesterday's blog.  I get it.  Unless you are me, it is tough to understand.  I think for me, it is knowing that the woman I want to be is not worried about a schedule and how its lack of it will affect me and is not so bitter.  I spend so much time being bitter.  My mother was bitter.  I don't want to be bitter, but it is the bitterness and terror that constantly drives me.  Why can I not let either go.  Both are exhausting.  That 20-30 minutes yesterday when I was not bitter or terrified was so nice and peaceful and I felt great and for the first time probably ever, I was not thinking about food or my next meal or when I could get away with eating again.  I loved that feeling.  I want it back.  Carrying the bitterness is no way to live.  It has held my mother hostage for almost her entire life. 
On a rerun on Oprah today, the gentleman said that when you are doing what you were truly meant to do, you are engaged and at peace and happy.  I know running is one thing that I was truly meant to do.  I may be exhausted and hurting while I am doing it, but I am at peace and happy and feel in balance.  I think part of the reason I was on the verge of a constant panic attack last week was because I missed my long run.  I simply need it.  It nourishes me in a way that nothing else can.  I love what it does for my body too.  I never thought my legs would ever look like this.  My mother always made an issue of my fat thighs and told me that in my cheerleading skirts people would say to me, "thunder thighs."  I never thought that I would love my legs.  It is the long runs.  I look at my legs and I am amazed and thankful and just want to run more.  I find that the rowing and running is a deadly combination.   

That woman....I got a glimpse today

This am I got the glimpse of that woman I want to be, the one who I see in my mind every day and want to strive to be.  Most days, she eludes me.  I know who she is and what she does and what says and how she deals with almost every situation, but most the time, I cannot find the strength or power or voice to be here.  Don't get me wrong.  She is not perfect, but she is the person I want to be.  This morning, she was with me and closer than ever.  I was she.  I know it is a fleeting thing and she will just be back to sitting in my mind later and I will be wishing I could be her again, but today she was closer than ever.  I am hoping that means that I will be who she is more and more and can maybe quiet down the fears and anxiety and terror that I live with every moment of my life.  She is so peaceful and happy and not afraid.  I want that.  I have been depressed lately and I really believe now that I feel like it is waning a bit that it was caused by this transition of knowing what the right thing to do is in most instances but not being able to do them out of fear and terror.  Terror....my hubby will probably be sad when he learns that I live with terror in my mind each and every day which is why I keep such a tight grip of control.  Yes, it is terror that circles my mind almost every moment of my life.  When you live in terror all of the time, the only thing you are constantly doing is protecting yourself, of course.  She does not live in terror.  She is able to love freely and say "what the hell" and make a mess and not be afraid of it.  This am for just a few moments, I was that person.  I hope I find similar moments tomorrow.  If I can steal more and more of them, then maybe I will be become that person. 

A trip to the beach and panic all day

I got back Thurs from a work trip to the beach.  I work with lovely people, but being in a house with them for 4 days straight was wearing.  I enjoyed spending time with most of them, but I was ready to come home.   Coming home on a Thursday made Friday a very long day.  I was (and still am in some ways) emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting.  I am still recovering.  I am hoping to recover enough that I can at least get a 10 miler in tomorrow.  I would like to do 14-15 but I do not believe that is in the cards based on my level of exhaustion.  I rowed this am.  We got a rowing machine for the house.  It is nice.  I have not really rowed in weeks so I am definitely feeling it, but in a good way.  Hopefully this will get me the long, lean body I want. 
All day long today I have been on the verge of a panic attack.  Keep in mind that I had one this am as my daughter and I dug my hubby's Ipod out of his work bag.  I have been on the verge of one ever since too.  I am not sure why I am on edge so much today.  It is wearing on me and making me more tired.  I only had one panic attack at the beach.  Fortunately, I was alone and in the shower.  I just sat down to deal.  I am still weeks away from getting the therapy thing wrapped up so it will be some time before I pinpoint why I am so anxious all of the time.  I am ready for them to end.  I never know when one will strike and fortunately, they seem to be isolated to when I am mostly alone or in the house.  I refuse to be an agoraphobic and hang around the house waiting for one.  I know to sit down should one start coming on.  I can usually get through it then without incident. 
I feel ready now to take this health thing all the way.  I was always on the cusp before.  I feel ready to really continue the running this winter provided it is not too cold and I feel ready to go back to healthy eating and regular cross training with the rowing.  Winter always seems to be my best time. I  am hoping that this year is no different.  I am tired of feeling fat. Yes, I know I am not fat.  I am not even close to being overweight, but I feel fat and am tired of it. I want to feel how I look.  I feel that way closer to 130. 
I cannot believe that Halloween is almost here.  Time is flying by.  I hope it continues.  I hate that I spend so much time wishing time away, but I want spring to be here.  I want the flowers to be blooming and to hear the birds chirping in the am.  That is my time.  I do not understand folks who like the fall.  Life is dying.  Why would anyone like that time?  You like death?  I get that it is cyclical, but seriously, spring is the best time.  It is about rebirth and life and everything coming to life and finding its beauty.  Who cannot get on board with that? 

Stress is when

you wake up and realize that you were never asleep but still going through a nightmare.  These last few days have been interesting to say the least.  I have staved off all panic attacks as they have started to come on, but the feeling of one coming on is sometimes more than I can take.  My stress level has been extraordinarily high these last 24 hours . I keep thinking that it will be a miracle if I make it to Monday not having had a nervous break down.  The crazy thing in all of the this is that I am sleeping better than ever.  I have slept through the night for the last 2 out of 4 days and the other two days, I slept at least 5 hours before I even woke up.  I only sleep about 6-6.5 hours a night so it is not like it is long, long stretches of sleep, but it hardly ever happens to me.  Trying to get into to therapy has been a show.  I am just trying to take every moment as just that moment.  It seems to help keep the panic attacks from taking over.  I am also not allowing my mind to wander so much which is something that definitely helps.  I need a run.  A long run by myself.  I am terrified that I am swimming down into the depths of depression again.  That possibility has always scared me.  I have so much more at stake now that I did back then.  Plus, I love being a happy person.  It is so much more fulfilling than being miserable.  I am scared to death.  I feel out of control.  I know that I toe that line of sanity versus insanity all of the time.  I am just way closer to the other side now that I normally feel comfortable with.  I keep wondering how close I am going to get to it and if I will end up on the other side. 
My husband would be surprised to read this but in some ways I feel like my marriage is falling apart.  We do not understand one another.  I am not sure that we can bridge that gap between us.  I love him and I think he loves me, but is that enough?  We keep circling back around the same things with little changing every time we go over it.  The only thing that happens is that we rehash what we already know.  I always seem to want more so what is it that I am missing.  What is that piece?  My mind is not linear these days.  That scares me.  I cannot resolve anything if my mind is not linear, right? I am not taking care of myself either which is unlike me.  I am not going to the gym as regularly as I should.  That is killing me.  I just end up feeling fat and beating myself up about it all day.  I don't want to feel like this.  I want to feel happy and free and powerful.  My fears are taking over and it terrifies me.   

My life in two parts

In some ways I feel like I have lived life in two parts.  The life I enjoy now and everything else before it.  I know people change over time, but very few things about me are the same as they were 15 years ago.  It is no wonder I hate the wedding dress that I picked out when I was 21.  I sit here these days so confused about so many things and on the constant verge of panic attack, and I never know when the panic attack will hit.  It typically hits in the shower in the am when my mind is wandering.  The other day it happened as I drove my kids to school.  One day it happened on the way to work.  I do not allow it stop me or make me agoraphobic as it did my mother.  If I need to, I will pull over while driving and park the car until it subsides.  If I need to, I will sit down in the shower which is what I did yesterday.  It will not rule my life. 
I don't know if I am bringing on bad karma by not speaking to my mother.  I find that part of my life so confusing.  It is not like we had a deep meaningful relationship ever.  I am trying to figure out if this situation bothers me so much now because 1. I fear the bad karma.  2.  I feel like I am really missing something.  3.  It is the guilt of being a "bad daughter" who "hates" her mother.  (that is what I know my mother is telling friends now.)  4.  I am sad because I have finally acknowledged that my relationship with my mother will never what many mother/daughter relationships are.  5.  It is hard to truly intellectualize that you will not likely ever really talk to your mother again.  It goes against everything ingrained in us from the start of our lives.  I find it all so confusing.  I don't know what it is. 
One thing I do know is that running is an outlet I desperately need.  I want to run mountains now not just hills.  I want to run a marathon.  I just want to run.  I went to Jason yesterday and while he fully thinks that I can do the marathon in 5 weeks, I am going to wait until next year to really attack that goal.  Jason is amazing.  He makes you feel like you can conquer the world.  I am sore from PT yesterday and all we did was an adjustment.  There were no exercises added outside of what I normally do.  It is the left glute weakness causing the problems on the left side.  He will add some strength training next week for it.  I am ready.  I want to run further and faster so I am thankful for his skill. 
Tomorrow is a long run with my BFF.  I am hoping no rain!