What if you could be the person you want to be?

This question was posed this am on a show that I watched while I was running.  I have thought about this before.  I saw that person up close and there one am as I made breakfast several months ago.  I had her for a few hours.  It was such a great feeling.  I think about that person a lot.  It would be awesome to be that person day in and day out.  I am working to get there, but my mind always seems to be in the way.  Monkey mind they call it, the wandering of the mind.  I have a big problem with that.  There are very few minutes each day that my mind is not actively working and moving and sometimes my mind wanders into dangerous, not so good places.  Those places are not good for me, they are not good for my marriage, and they are not good for anyone or anything.  Even when my mind just wander and does not go all rogue and into not so pretty places, all of that thinking means that I am rarely truly in the moment.  The person I aspire to be is in the moment way more often than I am.  She just enjoys the moment some of the time.  She is kind and understanding and gives those she loves the benefit of doubt.  Work in progress, I guess.
This am I was trying to figure out if my pants not fitting was an illusion.  My mother-in-law bought me a great pair of short running pants.  I bought a pair also.  Both are too big.  I had to ask my hubby if I am way smaller than I thought or what.  I cannot figure it out.  I know I have lost some weight in the last 6 weeks, but my lower half has never been a small.  How can neither of these pants fit?  I just don't get it.  Either the pants run big or I am smaller than I thought.  The mirror definitely shows that I am thinner, but at 5ft 7in and 132 pounds, I am never really small.  I have always been a bigger person.  I grew up with two petite women.  How can I ever feel small?  Just tough to believe.  Will I always think of myself as fat or big?  Probably.
Last night we were talking about fears and my hubby said that one thing I am afraid of is getting fat.  That is very much true.  It is a fear that I have that haunts me quite a bit.  It is why I spend time obsessing over my workouts and how I can get more exercise in each day around work and taking care of the kids.  I don't want to get fat again.  The thought of it scares me.  The person I want to be is thin.  She is fit and takes care of herself.  Having been over 200 pounds, the fear of being that person again is real.  I hated that person.  She was miserable and she had no clue just how miserable she was.  I don't want to be her ever again.