Sunday, November 23, 2014

Running and a reason

Runners are obsessed with why they run.  Read any running magazine and you will quickly learn that.  I guess I understand it to a certain extent, but not really.  I do not care why I run.  Running is one of the few things I do not think or wonder "why?"  That is a pretty incredible feat considering that I am constantly going through everything each day and questioning how or why.  Yes, I spend most of my days going over everything that happened that day or a week before or a year before or even a decade before and think about why.  Running is uncomplicated for me in that way, well, for the most part that is.  The running has suffered so much lately because it has been more complicated that it needed to be.  Today I had the luxury of just running.  No minimum to run, no set distance and no pace to watch to  make sure that I do not go too fast and then cannot finish the distance.  That is not a luxury that I have had in a long, long time.  I ran in a very organic sense today.  I just ran and did not worry about my distance.  Yes, I wanted to run at least a 10k and I did.  I pushed it today just running the way my body wanted to go.  It was faster than my running has been for the last few months (as I have slowed down my pace so I can run much further--always watching that pace.)  I went fast in my last mile, much faster than I expected.  My time was 58.26, a time that would have horrified me prior to marathon training when I was running faster on a regular basis, but now in the habit of keeping my pace around 10:00-10:30 per mile, I was pleased.  I would really like to win my age division in the local 5k here which means really training for that 5k and not just doing longer distances.  That is hard because I really only get to do an outdoor run alone once a week and so I have to decide between a fast 5k and slower longer run.  I think in the end, the 5k will win.  The marathon is done.  I never have to do one again.  Next on the list is the 5k division so it is time to work on that.  I know what is next after that too so there is an appropriate plan of succession in play so at the end of the day, it works. 
Perhaps I do not ponder why I run because I do not know and the mental exhaustion is too much.  I do not know but for now I will take what I hope to be more uncomplicated runs. 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Marathon is over

I did it.  I wish I could say that I felt that elation of accomplishing something when we finished, but I was just so thankful to be done that I did not even have any inclination to cry at all.  That surprised me.  It still does.
It was hard.  It was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  We finished in 5:23:44.  The record books has us down for 5:31 and change, but we stopped to pee twice and I stopped the garmin during that time.  I do not consider that time too bad for two ladies who really did not train in the last two months.  I think I need a marathon in September when I am still at the peak of my training each summer.  What I do know is that I will do a marathon again.  What else do I know?  It will not be next year.  There is a trail race half marathon close by that I want to do next fall.  There are also some other half marathons that I want to do next year and some other trail races along the way.  I love running, but not the dramatic, 3-4 runs.  I do not mind the 1 hour to two hours runs, but anything longer than that and well, I feel like I should be with my family and not out running.  Then I feel weighed down which is not helpful in running.
I learned yesterday that I can carry my BFF and I running.  Normally she carries us.  I carried her for a good deal of the race.  My boss was right.  It was good for me to do that for us.  I also learned that when you have already run 23 miles, a 5k seems like another 10 miles!!  I learned that it gets quiet in the back from miles 18-26.  No one talks.  We are all so pissed off and just wanting it to end at that point!  I learned that I can avoid chaffing of my sports bra by putting chaffing cream all over my stomach and chest.  Post race meal, I learned that french fries and onion rings do not taste as good as I remembered.  The same goes for a Reese's Blizzard.  (It was good, but I do not need it.)  I learned that I still smile as I am running even 25 miles in.  I wish I could explain that.  I was the only one at that point.  I felt crazy and lucky all at that same time.  My knees hurt so much at that point, but part of me was still happy.  Maybe it is because I was the girl who said I only ran when chased.  There I was finishing a marathon, something I never thought in a million years I would do.
I want to thank my BFF who keeps me running and who advised us along the way.  You are amazing, strong woman. You inspire me every day.  I told you that we would finish it together and I am glad that we did!  I want to thank my kids.  This morning at breakfast my son said to me that is cool that I ran a marathon.  My daughter made a sign for me that she wanted to stick in the ground along the way.  Very fun!  I want to thank Connie and Kimberly from work.  I feel honored that you wanted to be there for one of the biggest events of my life.  I can never fully express how thankful I am for that.  Your support means so much to me.  It helped to keep us going! Ironically enough, I need to thank my mother.  Your constant criticism when I was growing up has made me constantly push the limits of who I am and what I can.  Sure, because of it, I doubt myself all of the time, but without, I would never have the drive to push as I do.  Last but not least, I want to thank my husband.  You let me go run out the door for hours and never complain about it.  You listen to me when I am feeling insecure and incompetent and constantly doubting myself (which let's face it is frequent.)  You do not take it personally and you do your best to help as much as you can.  You put up with a lot.  I love you more than I can ever say.  You, too, inspire me every day to be a better woman and wife.  You are a good man and a fantastic husband and I know it!

Friday, November 14, 2014

This is it...it is almost here.

Two years in the making and the marathon is tomorrow.  I am FREAKING OUT.  I am not ready mentally or physically.  Physically, I think we will survive.  With some of the issues from last week, I see us walking a lot which is fine with me.  I am terrified of the mental part.  It is going to be sub freezing tomorrow am.  I do not run below 32 degrees.  Tomorrow I have no choice.  I have other people depending on me.  Plus, I really cannot put this off another year.  Three years in the making is too much pressure.  I am terrified.  I remember signing up way back in November of 2012, the Monday after the marathon that year, and I remember signing up because I did not want to be afraid any more.  I am now kicking myself.  I am scared to death.  This is the one of the biggest things I will ever do in my life.  It is a big deal.  How do I fight against the fear.  This is what I wanted.  I wanted to be able to face the fear and overcome it and now I am not sure that I can.  I am afraid.  So what happens tomorrow?  How do I deal?  Normally my BFF is the one supporting me through these races.  She is the one who needs support this go round so how do I cope?  These are all questions I am dealing with today.  Signing up two years ago did not make me not afraid, and maybe the reality is that the point of signing up was not to not be afraid.  After all signing up for the race was easy.  Maybe the point was to be afraid and still charge forward.  Normally when I see fear looming ahead, I run away.  I take a different course or shut down.  I cannot do that tomorrow.  I keep thinking about riding rollercoasters.  I fear them, but I ride them so I am not afraid.  I am still afraid, but I do them.  Maybe that is the key somehow!

Monday, November 10, 2014

I used to be

I used to be different.  I used to be bold, daring, and fun and not so afraid of everything.  I would not go so far as to say that I was audacious, but I pushed the limits to the point where I was popular and likeable at the same time.  That is hard to be.  We hate most popular people because they are not always nice and usually think that they are better than everyone else.  I was never like that.  I wanted to like everyone and have everyone like me in kind.  I am still fun from time to time, but I have fallen far away from being bold in a fun way.  I remember when the change happened.  I do.  I remember after it happened thinking, "What happened.  I used to be this way or that way."  That was the winter of my senior year of high school.  I remember wondering more than once what the hell happened. 
Tonight I was compelled to dig up the box of memorabilia that I have from high school to find something I need this week pre-marathon.  I knew it would help me.  I needed it.  First of all, I found more than one box of memorabilia.  I have one from college and then one from when I had my son.  I managed to find my high school box.  On the top of the pile was a picture of my cousin, the one who died 3 years ago.  Considering the picture was taken when I was already married and living in the same city I live in now, I do not believe that was an accident that it was on the very top of the stuff in this box.  There were pictures of my son and the purchase agreement for our current house, but my high school stuff was down on the bottom.  There I found the papers that I needed.  What I also found, though, surprised me.  There were things that I have kept over the years as an adult that showed glimpses of the bold, daring, fun girl I used to be.  There was a crazy article I tore out of Forbes back when I had my subscription.  It was about Peeps of all things and how people were obsessed with them and would have Peep Wars.  (It actually led me to trying a Peep War at work about 6 years ago.  Our microwave there has a black cover over the window so that idea sank quickly...unfortunately.)  I also found the paper from the new about Apollo's Chariot when they were building it in Williamsburg.  I am not sure why I kept it, but I did.  When I saved it, I had never ridden a rollercoaster and was pretty sure that I never would.  I did eventually and still do even riding the largest, fastest rollercoaster at Kings Dominion. 
I found what I was looking for, the six acts of Love as written by Nike from their Women's Source Book.  I could not find a date on it, but I had to have cut it out in high school most likely from  Cosmopolitan magazine or something like that.  I did not run back then and if you had told me at that point that eventually I would run, I would have laughed in your face and bet you a million dollars that it was a hobby that would never take up.  Here I am, though, 5 days away from that marathon and desperately still trying to get back to that girl who was bold, fun and daring and unafraid to speak her mind, give her opinion, or be who she was.  So what happened that fall that made me change?  I still wonder.  I always will or maybe somehow, I already know....
As I sit here thinking about the chance finding of my cousin's face staring back up at me from a pile of paper and no other pictures with it, I wonder if knowing what happened changes anything, and I wonder why I am so afraid to run a race that has been in the making for almost two years now.  I wonder if I will finish and if I finish, will other judge my time and why the thought of that totally freaks me out.  I think of Brian who would give anything to be alive.  I think of Brian who would had he have a chance to live all over again, would not waste time on being afraid of anything. 
On a side note...140.9 and a week with no binging and purging.  This week will be tough as I have to carb load some.  I typed in the calorie count for the calories I will burn and it freaked me out.  I am just trying to find that balance now if I can.  Balance has never been my strong suit.  I still am, just like that girl in high school, an all or nothing kind of girl....

Sunday, November 2, 2014

142.2 and counting

Not a horrible day but enough that I have already thrown up.  Thank goodness I had not just eaten peanut butter.  That never comes up easy and I thought that ice cream was the worst thing to throw up. 
Anyways, so my husband made me wonder today what am I afraid of.  I know the answer.  I am afraid I will finally get to my goals and once I am that person, it will not make one hell of difference for my emotional state.  I will still be me just thinner, fitter, but still me.  I think about it a lot in reference to my BFF's mom.  I believe she thought that moving into a 1 story house would help make her Parkinson's less noticeable.  She would fall less and would feel younger again too.  Post move when that did not happen, she freaked out and had a psychotic break.  What if that happens to me?  What if I get to point Z and then I am still not happy with me?  What do I do then?  Do I go crazy?  The fear of being fat and/or crazy again is what I fear more than anything, and those two are so wrapped up in another.  Life would be so easier if I did not have to face food all of the time.  I guess that is where I think food addiction is the hardest addiction.  I have to eat to live, and I HATE that.  Why does me still being me bother me so much?  Now that is the next question!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Day 3 back on track

Today was a harder day.  I wanted something sweet all day.  I hit the Coke 0 hard because of it.  It was easier yesterday when I spent a large part of my mid-day at a funeral.  Weight today was 143.3.  I exercised a lot which was good.  I found the discipline to walk at lunch even though I did not want to.  That is progress.
Today's food:
4 tablespoons of peanut butter
1 slice of ezekial bread
1 egg
.5 cup of celery
1 granny smith apple
1 chicken breast
gaucamole
cabbage boiled to be noodles
1 cup of marinara
2.5 oz of ground chicken
2 small meatballs
mixed green salad
1 oz of chicken breast
1 ancient warrior bar
.25 cup of almonds
 that is it for a total of around 1700 calories. 
I supposed that is progress.  I am not under my calorie count, but I am mostly satisfied.  The big thing is the lack of added sugar and grains!  Other than the bread and warrior bar, there is very little of either.  That will hopefully help the hormones.  I have been majorly spotting all day for the last 3 days, but no period actually starting.  That is a bit depressing.  I hate the on-going spotting.  It would be nice to either not bleed or actually bleed.  This is the BS I got tired of before!!  Hopefully this manner of eating will help again.  It did last time.  If I can just keep it up.  That is the question!!  I just feel so weak sometimes. 
Big run tomorrow.  Hopefully I can tolerate the first half of our workout and I am not talking about the exercise itself...
A bit tired emotionally of bullies.  Men have no clue what bullies they are at times.  The do not treat one another like that.  As a woman, I am just expected to take it. Really makes me mad!  I am over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Bulimia and eating healthy and hormones

I know that eating no sugar and no flour or grains helps my hormones.  I went from having super short cycles to long cycles and now need to get back to some kind of regular cycle.  I am spotting a lot again.  My diet has been atrocious which has left me feeling down (that crap really seems to affect my moods) and my hormones going nuts.  It has also caused a relapse of the bulimia.  My therapist recommended a food diary.  It is supposed to keep you from overeating.  I tend to shy away from those just because it is annoying to have to write everything down.  That is the point, of course.  I am going to try something new today.  Rather than writing it, I am going to type it here.  That will be interesting.  Let's see if I can keep that up! 
I am feeling overwhelmed and bummed these days.  My run today was overwhelming.  Everything seems to overwhelm me and I only have so much energy to give.  I stopped at 3 miles and then came home and cried.  I feel so weak.  Why am I so weak and undisciplined?  I hate that about myself.  I feel like a failure. 
I do not have the strength to go into it now so instead I will just type out what I ate today:
1 slice of ezekial bread.
4 tablespoons of peanut butter.
5 fruit tootsie rolls.
2 chocolate tootsie rolls.
1 starburst.
1 fajita chicken salad with gaucamole.
Small piece of the shell for my salad.
1/2 cup of almonds.
2 pieces of celery.
4 tablespoons of sugar cookie dough.
3 oz of salmon.
1/4 cup of garlic potatoes.
1 cup of broccoli.
1 cup of mixed salad greens with red and green peppers.
3 slices of bell peppers.
2 ancient warrior bars.
1/4 cup of ground turkey.

I think that is everything.  What needs to go?  The candy, obviously.  The other things are the shell from my salad, the cookie dough, and the potatoes.  Really, the ancient warrior bars have too much sugar so maybe a half a one is ok each day.  Other than those things, I am good to go.  Tomorrow will hopefully be better.  I am on day two of no binging and purging.  Hopefully I can make it a full week.  I am spotting a ton right now just waiting for my period to start.  I want it to come now, but with my waxing tomorrow, that may not be a good thing.  I am now thinking that maybe another day or two is best.