Not sure what to do or how I feel

I am going through a very tired phase again. I am getting no less sleep than usual. Not sure why I feel this way. Part of me is hopeful that I ovulated and am just reacting to progesterone for the first time in a long time. I have decided not to use the cream this time since I have been temping and it appears that my temp is up and it is the progesterone that raises your temp and keeps it there after ovulation.
The other jardale pumpkin that I cut is rotting. I am so disappointed. I do not know what I did wrong or how I could fix it. I am really starting to wonder about how successful home growing pumpkins is. My vines keep getting mosaic virus from the squash bugs and cucumber beetles and squash beetles. It is pretty depressing. I worked so hard to grow the vines and water them and just take good care of them and then this happens. It makes me crazy. I removed my regular pumpkin. It got 3 pumpkins off of it. One was of normal size. The other two were small. It was no longer producing female flowers due to the mosaic virus. The jardale is the only vine producing female flowers and I watch that one pretty carefully and remove what pests I can. On a good note, the loofah is growing well. I have one full loofah fruit. I am pretty excited about it.

Pretty Depressed.

I thought for sure I was going to ovulate this month. Looks like the same thing that has been happening for the last two months happened again. It looked like I was going to surge and then no surge. I got close to that "dark as" line on an ovulation test, but then it went away at the next check. I tested 7 hours after the almost as dark as for those of you who might tell me that I missed seeing the surge. I do not know what is wrong with me, but I am thoroughly depressed. I just want to have normal hormones. I wonder if I am being punished for something if that is why I am having such issues. I have always had weird cycles, but I always ovulate when I am off the pill. I just want this imbalance to be fixed and fixed yesterday. I just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Not a woman going through peri-menopause at 34. That just makes me feel old. Not sure where to go from here. Doc wants me to use progesterone cream on days 16-22. Will that really help? Or will it just mask the problem of not ovulating. I do not know what to do. I am so confused and worried. Worried about my body aging well ahead of its time.
My hubby is depressed too. He got his physical results back. His bad cholesterol is high. I think we eat too much red meat. I think that will help. I want him to be around for a long time. As I told him tonight, when I got married it was so I could be married for 50-60 years not 20-30 so he had better plan on sticking around for a while. We were 23 when we got married so you can do the math on that.
Just feeling down. I felt so good this am when I thought I was going to ovulate for sure. My only hope is that I somehow missed the surge marker and saw the end of it this am when I tested and got the almost as dark as line. I will know if my temp rises tomorrow. Yes, I am temping. That is the odd thing. My temp went up .5 degrees two days ago. By that increase, it means I could have ovulated two days ago, but I know I did not. Not even close to a second line was detected on the ovulation test. I just want to be normal. So frustrated.

Found my true calling...

It only took a decade plus of my adult life, but I figured out what I was meant to do. I want to be a farmer. I want to grow watermelons, a myriad of pumpkins, and lots of peppers. I finally got over my bug thing so I think I could handle it. I thought about it a lot today when I was at the website for Avery Farms in Amelia, VA. They have apprenticeships there. Honestly if I did not have two small children, I would seriously consider it. I would like to go spend a day there and do some labor and help. I think it would be educational and enjoyable. I think that I would like to have chickens too for the eggs and chicken poop which is the best for growing vegetables. Jon told me to look for land. I wonder how much I might need. Anyways, I truly think that is my calling. I could be home with the kids when they are home, and they could help out on the farm too. It is a win-win for my family. I imagine the initial expense would be tremendous, but I am thinking long term. I would do regular pumpkins and then more unusual varieties like the jardales and sugar baby pumpkins maybe. I really like the jardales particularly and now that I have started really pruning it, it is doing incredibly well. I have a few more pumpkins growing on it. They are really unusual looking. The color is definitely a greenish-blue. I think I might have one ready to come off of the vine.
Anyways, the bottom line is that I would love to see farm work first hand and do it myself for a few days. And yes, that is my idea of vacation...I like hard work in general. I find it relaxing.
My hubby finally went for his physical today. What a reminder that we are all getting older. I am trying to accept that I could be going through peri-menopause, but it is rather depressing. I try not to think about it too much because it makes me want to cry and makes me feel old. I hate feeling old.

Being estrogen dominant

It is not enjoyable. I am ready to scream some moments and cry the others. I feel better today, but honestly, I am just hoping and praying that I ovulate this month so I can get back to normal. Without ovulation, I may never have enough progesterone to be balanced again. I am tired all of the time, I feel pretty lethargic in general, and I just cannot motivate myself to get out of bed and go to the gym. I am retaining water like a madwoman. I am just hoping that I am able to get back into a normal routine tomorrow. I need one. I need to feel normal.
I have another jardale pumpkin growing. I am very excited for that. I am hoping that another one is growing too. I will know in a few days. The jardale pumpkin vine looks a lot better now that I have been pruning it a bit. I am glad. I really like that vine. The big moon is growing nicely too. I cut a pumpkin off of the regular pumpkin vine. It was ready!!

Back in a routine

And it feels so good. I did not want to get up today for my walk, but I did. I took a new route and enjoyed it. It was good to get back into a routine. I need a routine to feel normal. I keep telling myself that I am going to ovulate this month. Hopefully my mind will get the message and get on board so it will tell my body to do what it is supposed to. I am so tired from my workout this am. My body is physically tired. It will feel great to rest and relax this afternoon like I always do when the kids are napping. I did not get that either day last weekend, and I really need that time.

Still trying to get back into a routine

I am still trying to find my routine and life after last week's events. I took today off and really needed it. I am glad that I decided to do it. It was good to get outside and walk this am rather than going to the gym. I needed that. I found out this week that I am estrogen dominant. That is the reason why I am having trouble losing weight despite the work outs and the way I eat. It is the reason why I sweat all night long and the reason why I am having cycle issues and not ovulating. My doc recommended some progesterone treatment. That will hopefully help. I am trying to go natural with the treatments. Hopefully I can get back to my old self. I want to feel better.
I am a little disappointed because the jardale pumpkin has only produced two pumpkins to date. All of my other female flowers either died after blooming or are now dying from blight. I trimmed the jardale today and have been watering less frequently but more intensely when I do water and I actually have two healthy female flowers flowering. I hope they get fertilized. I really like the way the pumpkins look and would love to have a whole bunch of them. I have two pumpkins on my regular pumpkin vine. Once both are fully orange (both are in various stages of changing) I plan to pull the vine out altogether. It is not doing well, and it has blight too so it has few female flowers that make it. It did not grow in the right direction so it did not grow properly. I am just ready to be done with it. The big moon pumpkin is growing well. Now that we figured out the problem in that part of the bed (had a tree die and found out we drown it from a hole in the irrigation pipes there) that pumpkin and pumpkin vine are growing very, very well. I am very proud of it. Still hoping for a good 40-50 pounder there. It is basketball size now so I suspect we are a fifth of the way there! I have lots of tomatoes and peppers. I feel very fruitful in that category. I just need more jardales to feel better about my pumpkins this year. Then I just need to get normal female cycles back to feel normal and good period! Keeping my fingers crossed. I start treatment in 16 days!

The butterfly in the garden

On Monday I found a black swallowtail butterfly just dead in the garden. It was huge and beautiful. I picked it up and kept it on the side table of the grill. I felt sad. I have never had that happen before--you know, just to randomly find a dead butterfly in the garden. It was fitting considering what happened the next day. My cousin, the one who was diagnosed with cancer in March, died on Tuesday. I wanted to go see him this past weekend because I wanted to talk to him one more time before he died, but my aunt and uncle asked that no one travel up there this holiday weekend so I did not. I now regret it. By the time I got there on Tuesday afternoon, he died. I did get to see him. It is so cliche, but he was a ghost of his former self, literally. He was very pale and extremely thin. My aunt said that he went from 230 back in March to 142 the last time they weighed him last week. How awful that is. Today the shock wore off. He is really gone. I am exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. I ate my usual pint of Ben and Jerry's yesterday. I thought for sure that I would be up in weight. Nope. I was 141.5 today. It is funny what stress does, is it not. I do not know how you bury a child. How does one do that regardless of his age. My cousin was 39. His mother is understandably devastated. I feel so bad for my aunt. I am angry at myself for not going to see him this past weekend. I just wanted to hear his voice one more time. To hear him laugh. Brian was one of the most fun people I knew. He was smart, kind, caring, very witty, and just a great gentleman all around. Those who knew him were lucky. I was lucky. During my wedding rehearsal, he stood in for a missing bridesmaid. Most men would be offended to do so. Not Brian. He played the role and thought it was amusing. He liked beer and liked the Polish connection he had. He and I shared an interest in our eastern European heritage. He would tell you like it is. He was not one for a facade. I liked that about him. He was special.
I do not want to remember him the way he looked when I last saw him, but it is burned in my mind. I held his hand one last time. It was the first time I touched a dead body. It was strange. I prefer to remember Brian smiling and laughing and even drinking. Brian always had fun or something interesting to talk about. That is just who he was. I spoke with him once a year, but I will miss him for sure. At the end of the day, I just always knew if I needed him, he would be there and knew that at some point in the future we would spend some time drinking beer and laughing again so at some point, I will have an Oktoberfest beer and drink to him, and maybe I will really finally learn how to do the Polka.
The garden is thriving. I have been watering a lot due to the lack of rain. I have two regular pumpkins, two jardale pumpkins, one big moon pumpkin, a bunch of tomatoes and a few watermelon growing. I have been killing squash bugs left and right. It is pretty gross, but I have to protect the garden.