Tuesday, May 28, 2013
How do I deal with these feelings?
tell me, how do I deal with them? I am just having trouble making sense of them. I want a do-over of my 20's. Yes, I know everyone does, but I really want it. I made so many mistakes and regret so many things now. I want to go back and do it all over. Things would be so different. I would be so different. I would not be so damned afraid. The irony being that this is what Lucy was afraid of that I would regret so much, but the truth is that her attempt to protect me from this regret helped caused it. Self fulfilling prophecy. How true that really becomes. I want to go back and change almost everything. Why can't I go back? I would take care of myself and not worry so much about my mother or sister or father or anyone else. I would work in a different place and be a different person, the person I am not. The truth of the matter is that I have spent the last few months trying to act like I love the person I used to be and trying to protect her, but I hate her. Do I feel sorry for her, yes, but I hate her too. She did this to me. She is the reason I have so many hang ups now and am so afraid. I hate her. She had so much potential because how much potential is there in youth? So, so much. I hate her. She gave up so much for others. Makes me so mad at her now.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Not feeling it.
Not like me but I could not make it through my am workout. That and I did not work out yesterday. Physically I am great today, but my mind just could not go there. I have a lot of mental feedback rolling around in my mind right now that is not pretty and does not feel good. I just could not get through the fog of it today which blows because I do have a half in 4 weeks. Normally I would be so jazzed for it, but today, I just want to get through today and onto tomorrow and onto next week. Why do I feel so blah?
1. This weather. I cannot take it anymore. It is not just the lack of warmth this spring. It is the constant clouds. Am I likely vitamin D deficient? Probably. I need sun. Everyone laughs that I like it hot so they tease me that I like July on Mercury the best out of all of the months. True, but it is more than just the warm weather. It is the sun. I could probably make it through the cooler spring if it were sunny but it is not sunny at all this spring. It depresses me in a period where I should start feeling more alive.
2. Physically some things have to change. My diet cannot stay where it is. It is causing too much physical distress. I know this on a daily basis, but I cannot control it. Damn food addiction. I would like to go to diet soda drinking when I get the cravings, but soda increases the likelihood of panic attacks. I don't know what to do with that.
3. The out of control food addiction these days just makes me feel bad about myself. It becomes a vicious cycle. I get bored because we are not able to be outside so much so I eat more and then have issues with the food addiction which not only adds physical distress but it makes me feel bad about how I look so I get further depressed. It is bad when you actually consider asking your hubby to put your peanut butter on your toast in the am because you cannot control yourself making breakfast!!!
4. I had some major revelations last week at therapy. A lot of it was not pretty for me. Sure in therapy you learn your feelings are normal because they are how you feel and there is usually a good reason why you feel that way rooted somewhere in your past and/or psyche, but those feelings make me feel like a bad person. They certainly do not serve my family or my primary relationship well. Ultimately, they do not serve me well either. I can be a very destructive person and I know that, but knowing that does not make that inclination any better, does it?
So what do I resolve to do today?
1. Work on a plan for the food. I do much better when I follow a plan. I am good at planning so that is a good goal today.
2. Get my tail outside in the afternoon when it is supposed to be a little sunny. Even if I work in the garden for 10 minutes, that is 10 minutes in the sun. My mother-in-law bought me some geraniums. I need to get some dirt today and plant them.
3. Get an exercise plan together for the week. See #1.
4. Give myself 10-15 minutes to cry today alone to blow off some stress and the heartbreak and the worry. We are getting a cat today. It is the cheapest exterminator I can find. I am tired of mice in the house and it has become a bit problem for us. Every time I find a half eaten clif bar, I get very angry. I am ready for that to end. Hopefully this cat will not bring drama. That is the last thing we need in this house.
1. This weather. I cannot take it anymore. It is not just the lack of warmth this spring. It is the constant clouds. Am I likely vitamin D deficient? Probably. I need sun. Everyone laughs that I like it hot so they tease me that I like July on Mercury the best out of all of the months. True, but it is more than just the warm weather. It is the sun. I could probably make it through the cooler spring if it were sunny but it is not sunny at all this spring. It depresses me in a period where I should start feeling more alive.
2. Physically some things have to change. My diet cannot stay where it is. It is causing too much physical distress. I know this on a daily basis, but I cannot control it. Damn food addiction. I would like to go to diet soda drinking when I get the cravings, but soda increases the likelihood of panic attacks. I don't know what to do with that.
3. The out of control food addiction these days just makes me feel bad about myself. It becomes a vicious cycle. I get bored because we are not able to be outside so much so I eat more and then have issues with the food addiction which not only adds physical distress but it makes me feel bad about how I look so I get further depressed. It is bad when you actually consider asking your hubby to put your peanut butter on your toast in the am because you cannot control yourself making breakfast!!!
4. I had some major revelations last week at therapy. A lot of it was not pretty for me. Sure in therapy you learn your feelings are normal because they are how you feel and there is usually a good reason why you feel that way rooted somewhere in your past and/or psyche, but those feelings make me feel like a bad person. They certainly do not serve my family or my primary relationship well. Ultimately, they do not serve me well either. I can be a very destructive person and I know that, but knowing that does not make that inclination any better, does it?
So what do I resolve to do today?
1. Work on a plan for the food. I do much better when I follow a plan. I am good at planning so that is a good goal today.
2. Get my tail outside in the afternoon when it is supposed to be a little sunny. Even if I work in the garden for 10 minutes, that is 10 minutes in the sun. My mother-in-law bought me some geraniums. I need to get some dirt today and plant them.
3. Get an exercise plan together for the week. See #1.
4. Give myself 10-15 minutes to cry today alone to blow off some stress and the heartbreak and the worry. We are getting a cat today. It is the cheapest exterminator I can find. I am tired of mice in the house and it has become a bit problem for us. Every time I find a half eaten clif bar, I get very angry. I am ready for that to end. Hopefully this cat will not bring drama. That is the last thing we need in this house.
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