Are there no true heroes left?

I saw this am that Lance Armstrong is being accused of doping.  Now I have no clue if he did or not, but the state of our athletes is so disappointing.  I think it speaks of the issues our society is facing as we take a sharp turn downhill.  Why are athletes willing to do anything and everything to get an edge?  Do they doubt their own physical abilities that much these days?  And if they are, why?  What has made them so insecure and fearful?  I cannot help but ask these questions of myself not in relation to sports.  After all, I am simply a recreational runner at best, but more in relation to my own life.  Why do I doubt myself so much?  Why am I so insecure?  I was told growing up that in a million different ways that I was not competent or good enough to make my own decision.  Yes, that is what you do when you control someone's life.  You make them afraid of the world.  I am afraid of the world.  But why now, even at 36 with all of the professional and personal accomplishments that I have had do I still feel so insecure and worry so much?  Why do I still not think I am worth it or that my best is good enough.  Are the patterns set so early for all of us?  Is that the trick and once they are set, there is no undoing?  What does that mean for me as a mother and how do I undo all of the mistakes I have already made at a mother?  Likewise, how do I repair my relationship with my husband so that I don't retreat when I feel hurt or threatened.  I would rather boldly charge through life not worrying about how others perceived me and knowing that I am making the right decision.  Do we all fear judgment that much? 
With the Olympics approaching, I am hoping that none of our athletes are doping.  This is the first year that my children are old enough to understand what the Olympics are all about and to maybe be able to root for Team USA.  I want it to be pure.  I want my son or daughter to see the marathoners or gymnasts and think, "Wow, I know I can do that one day.  I would like to try.  Let's go!"  My world was pulled in and made smaller.  I want to make their world bigger because the world is HUGE and filled with a million opportunities and you never get a second chance to be 20 or 25 again.  I know that I will never get a second chance to be 36 again and one more day spent being hurt is just silly when I think about it that way.  Let's be young and wild and free...

Magic hour

Most people feel that sunset is the Magic Hour.  I beg to differ.  I think it is sunrise.  It is my favorite time of the day and that comes from a former and recovered night owl.  There is nothing more wonderful than watching the light come up and the world wake up.  The sun is often purple or red.  It goes through so many shades before it ends up it beautiful yellow.  I love the color yellow.  It is happy and reminds me of all things good and wonderful.  I am dying to get going on painting our bedroom a very deep and bright yellow.  The hubby may hate it, but I am going with it.  I want a hot, sexy, and fun color for the room we spend out nights in.  I think we deserve it.  Speaking of changing the bedroom, I am getting new sheets and a new comforter.  I am not going too girly.  I want more fun and bright with some sexiness thrown in.  The hubby and I have been through a lot over the last few years.  Lord, we have been through a lot since we met 17 years ago.  It is time for us to take our happiness and fun and surround ourselves in it.  I am hoping that he and I are entering a new phase of understanding about each other and our marriage.  The last few years have been some of the most wonderful and also some of the most tumultuous.  I do believe that we love each other quite a bit, but something holds him back from digging all in and something holds me back from believing the depth of his love.  I keep hoping that maybe we can bridge that gap.  I am hoping that now is the time so I want to surround us in happiness and fun.  We only have another 60-70 years together.   We need to live it up because in the scheme of things, that really is not a long time. 
My poor daughter is very ill.  She is so hardy that it is very tough for me to watch her be this sick.  She will not allow me to leave her side and that is not like my Miss Independent there.  She goes in and out of sleep quite a bit.  I am hoping that the sleep will help her to recover.  She woke up and told me, "Mommy, that is a pretty dress."  I am wearing a tank top and yoga pants.  Her dreams must be working overtime right now.  Poor thing.  I hope she is better soon.
Tomorrow I will see the magic hour again as I row at the gym.  What a breathtaking sight it is.  102 tomorrow, but the summer is worth it. 

Never know where life is going

My run Sunday was an interesting one.  I shaved almost 7 minutes off of my half marathon time.  I went from 2:05:20 to 1:58:20.  I am pretty happy with the time.  The only problem was that I almost quit 3 miles in.  My mind was not in it at all.  My body was great.  It was the total reverse of the previous week.  I got through it and took about an hour to get my head straight.  Once I got it straight, though, I enjoyed the rest of the run.  Too bad it took half the run to get there.  I ditched my gatorade 3 miles in since I always feel it is mentally weighing me down and I did not need anything else weighing me down at that point. 
I realized this weekend that I hate Kate Upton.  Sorry, but it is not for the reason most people think.  Believe it or not but at 36, I have a better body than she does.  I take care of myself  and workout quite a bit and have a figure most women in their early twenties want.  She does not work out and really all she has going for her is large boobs which by the way if she does not start putting those babies in a bra, she is going to be me at 34 and in serious need of a full anchor lift.  My chest was much like hers at that age.  Large and saggy.  It only gets worse as gravity and age take effect and I can tell by the way her chest is already hanging (and trust me, it is,) she has the same saggy skin gene I do.  Poor girl.  She has the $ for a full anchor lift, at least!  Anyways, why do I hate Kate Upton?  She is comfortable in her own skin.  I am not.  Now part of that is age.  After 30, we are strongly encouraged to lock it up and throw away the key regardless as to how fabulous our bodies are.  But there is part of it that is just me.  I am not that carefree.  I care too much about what others think and how they will judge me.  That even extends to my hubby of 13 years.  Kate, she could care less.  Now I get that that lack of care is not altogether smart either.  She does come off as silly from time to time, but I think about how fun it would be to let that insecurity go and just be whoever it is I want to be.  As I realized why I hated her, I changed the focus a bit and thought maybe I could more admire her than hate someone I do not even know.  After all, that might feel a bit better to me.  I am working on it.  Well, that and letting go of that care about judgment...at the very least when it comes to my hubby.  If I cannot trust him, who can I trust?  That is the funny thing about trust.  We never completely give it to someone, do we.  We are always afraid of judgment in some form from anyone and everyone.  How sad is that?
The weather Sunday is going to be a scorcher.  I only have a half marathon ahead of me, thankfully.  Hopefully my body and mind will be in sync and on the good end this time.  I hope I can beat the heat.  That is my biggest worry.  I keep hoping for a cool down.  Either way, I need to get used to running in the heat.  August in our state is hot and humid even in the am, but I feel ready even two months away to run this half.  For the first time in my life, I feel like I set a big goal and achieved it.  It is a good feeling and it will be a great feeling to finish that race.    

Amazed by what my body can do now #2

So I ran my half marathon on Sunday.  It was awful as mentioned in my previous post.  I now know why.  I was sick.  I had some kind of cold or virus.  It is now gone, thankfully, but my chest really hurt Monday and I felt tired and worn out.  I am now amazed that I was able to run a half marathon through an illness.  Just amazed.  I am stronger than I ever thought I would be.  I never thought I could run over 10 miles let alone 13.1 and I never thought I would be able to run through an illness like that.  My time was not half bad either for a non-competitive runner.  I am ready for this race and I still have many many more weeks to go.
Happy Summer Solstice to all.  It is my favorite day of the year and my least favorite day all rolled into one!
Enjoy the sun! I plan to!

Mind was working better than my body this am

I hit the road for at least 13.1 this am. I was hoping for 14 but I was happy with 13.1.  I was an hour later than usual due to circumstances beyond my control and my am routine was out of sync again due to circumstances out of my control.  I felt ready to go.  I knew starting out running that it was going to be pretty.  It was not.  I struggled with every mile today.  Mentally I was great.  It was the physical part that hurt me this am, and it was not even that hot.  At one point, I took a 3 minute break around the local Y.  I had done 10 at that point and figured I would just walk home, but as I started home, mentally I wanted to run that last 5k so I did.  It was amusing to me because normally it is my mind that I am battling.  Normally physically I can handle it, but my mind is saying, "Quit.  It is ok."  Today was the opposite.  My body was hurting, but my mind was saying, "You can handle it."  How strange is that.  Quite a change for me.  It actually surprised me.  Anyways, I completed the 13.1 in 2 hours and 5 min.  I would like to get that half marathon time under 2 hours, but really finishing is the goal.  Now I know I can at least do it.  I also know that my mind can help cheer me on.  Hopefully it feels ready the day of the race.  I am left wondering, though, why was I so drained today.  I am still drained.  Was it the activity from yesterday?   Was it because of my 7 miles on Friday when I normally do 4.  Was it the later start so I had the sun beating down on me earlier?  Honestly, I think I might be getting sick.  The hubby disagrees, but I do not feel quite right.  I feel tired and normally I feel energized.  I took a Zicam hoping that will help stave off what I suspect may be a cold coming on.  We will see what the next few days bring.  My IT band is tight.  I am going to roll it some more and then stretch while my daughter bathes.  Hopefully it will feel fine tomorrow. 

Amazed by what my body can do

So, we hit the beach Friday afternoon.  The drive down there was a disaster, but that is another story.  That whole evening was disaster, but again, another story.  I figured that since my BFF and I did not run our full 4 miles on Friday, I would just go ahead and run on Saturday rather than waiting until Sunday.  I knew I was going to run the boardwalk and figured that I would just cut back and do 10 miles since I had exercised the day before and was at the beach after all.  I thought that going up the boardwalk and back was 5 miles so I decided to do that twice so I could hit my 10.  I got up early and was able to watch the sun rise over the water as I ran.  I lived near the beach until I was 18 and have spent more time at that beach than I have spent any one other play-type location.  I had never seen the sun rise before and let me say, it was the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. 
Anyways, I was dying during the run.  I was so worn out that I had to stop after 1 hour and 40 something minutes which was right at what I thought was about 10 miles so I felt ok stopping.  Normally I would have an idea as to how far I had gone since I use the Nike iPod Plus function, but it was telling me that my mile pace was between 7 min and 9 min miles which I thought was crazy.  I totally finished running thinking I had done about 10 miles since I thought it was 5 miles round trip.  I get to work today and curiosity took over so I looked on-line to see how long the boardwalk down there is, and it is a little over 3 miles.  I ran a full 12 miles on Saturday in 1 hour and 43 minutes and 7 seconds!  I am in shock.  I mean utter shock.  I never thought in a million years that I could run that far at that pace, but I did it.  I am amazed at what my body can now do.  It feels so good to have that run down and in that time.  Really good.  That is something I will carry with me for a long time, and it will help see me through this training and into August, no doubt.  To know that I can do that, just amazes me.  Just amazing.  I feel like I can do anything now as crazy as that sounds.  I actually look forward to running my long run this weekend.  I feel ready to finally hit the 13.1 so I think I am going for 14 miles this weekend.  I just feel great!!!!  Words cannot quite describe it.  Just amazing to me!
I managed to not gain any weight while I was there.  Tough to do when you run 12 miles and then spend another hour and 15 minutes that day pedaling your kids on a surrey.  I was pretty careful too despite the temptations, restaurant food, and the Reese's blizzard I had Friday night.  I feel good about the weekend.  Well, aside from how it went with the kids...but again, another story.

Taken me 36 years

to figure out who I am and who I want to be.  Is that normal?  I was never given a voice growing up.  I was told what to do, when to do it and how to do it.  It is funny how that works and impacts those like me.  Now, I am an adult with all of these choices and many obligations too, of course.  I think that is why young adulthood was so confusing for me.  Here are choices that I was never used to having and I had a mother who still very much wanted to direct my life.  See here I am at 36 finally see who I am and who I want to be and figuring out the best way to achieve that person I want to be.  I told my hubby one day that I want to be fabulous.  Am I there?  No.  I am on my way in my own sense.  So today who am I? 
1.  I am a mom with two great children that I adore and admire.
2.  I am a wife who loves her hubby more than anything.
3.  I am a business woman who loves her job and industry and goes to work every day feeling incredibly lucky to work with those that I do.  I have the best staff in the world.  Together we can do anything.
4.  I am a gardener.  My blogs on jardale pumpkins prove that.  I am growing pumpkins again this year.  No jardales, but we have some other varieties.  My roma tomatoes are looking good already.
5.  I am a runner.  Feels so weird to say that, but I think when you hit 20 miles +  a week, you are there.  I am there.  I love the freedom I feel from it.  It gives me time in my head to allow my mind to just wander around.  I feel lighter mentally and physically when I get those long runs in.  Running truly brings me joy.
6.  I am a friend.  I am very lucky to have two very good friends and a handful of good friends at my gym.  Those of us who work out first thing in the am are a bunch of freaks, no doubt, but we are there for our own purpose and we are a tight group.  Those people, even those I do not talk to--we just wave to each other, are important to me and make me feel like I am part of a community.  My two very good friends are both wonderful, strong women that I admire and trust.  It took me 35 years to have true adult girlfriends.  I am now lucky to have two.
7.  I am a sister.  My sister and I have reconnected through my nephew's difficulties.  I love her.  She is a wonderful, vivacious woman.  I have forgotten that over time.  I do thank my nephew for allowing me to rediscover that in her.
8.  I am a daughter, in my own way.  I still seek my mother's approval.  I always will, but as an adult, I plan to keep our relationship away from the drama.  There is no need for it and I will not allow myself to be brought down by it.
9.  I am someone who loves the beach.  I missed it from my youth.  Growing up there was special and I realize that so much now.  Lordy, how lucky was I to spend so much time there growing up?  I never appreciated it until now.  I love the smell, the laid back nature, and the freedom it affords.  I love to step in the sand and soak up the sun and just be me in that time.  My hubby says he loves Beach Tif, as he puts it.  Beach Tif is the person I want to be all of the time.  I admire her.  She has her obligations but is free of the BS I carry around most of the time.  She feels young and is confident and finds joy in life, something I struggle with sometimes.  I have 60 more years to find her all of the time.

Right now it is all about what goes in my body

Alcohol is pretty much out and fatty, sugary food is too.  Because of that, I have developed some weird habits.  It is nothing dangerous or unhealthy, don't worry, but people pressure you to eat crap all of the time.  I am doing my best to work through that.  Why do we do that?  I do it too.  Almost every time I go to Target at lunch, I come back with a bag of candy for my staff.  I never eat it.  I cannot so why do I feel the need to do it for them?  Part of my continuation of that habit is that I have done it for so long, I hate to stop, but why do I feel the need to feed others junk food?  Why do people feel the need to press it one me.  I get the "but you can eat it because you are thin" comment.  Yes, I am thin, but why do you think I am thin?  Because I do not eat like that.  Right now I am training for a half marathon and am terrified of something going wrong whether it be missing a week of my long run or my IT band finally tightens up beyond my threshold of pain.  Every time I put food in my mouth, I now think about how it will benefit me running.  I weigh less more consistently than I did a month ago now and I am sure that is because of the change in my habits.  I might even break into what my weight was the week my hubby was gone in March when I hit my lowest for the year.  I only have a half pound to go.  Tomorrow's dinner is a Reese's cup blizzard.  That is my one allowance of something unhealthy for the month.  I will be on veggies all day tomorrow after breakfast because of that....
Running is going well.  I am very proud of the run I did on Sunday.  It felt good and was almost half marathon length.  I feel strong and I am feeling definite changes in my body.  I am getting there.  2.5 more months to  go.  I cannot wait to see the changes that happen over that period of time. I wish I had decided to this sooner.
So I decided to sign up for a dance class in the fall.  It is once a week.  I always wanted to be a dancer but could not for convenience reasons for my parents.  I love to dance so I am going to start with tap and if that goes well, maybe I will switch to ballet.  Life is short and I am going to be 40 at some point.  I may as well start working on my dream.  I will never be a professional dancer, but I can learn to dance.  It will help with my flexibility too and strengthen  my legs.  I may hate it, but I am going to try it.
Beach Tif comes out tomorrow.  I cannot wait!

Long distances are addictive.

12.86 miles today.  I ran for 2 hours straight. Am I tired?  Yes, but I want to keep moving.  I feel great.  The funny thing about longer distances is that you start to see some real changes in your body.  Had I known that 5 years ago, I probably would have started running 10 miles + back then!  I always thought that the 5-6k frequent runs did it. Nope.  My body feels longer and leaner than it ever has before.  I feel great. 
The hubby and I have definitely turned a corner.  We have managed to avoid having the same fight we had every weekend for over 4 weekends now.  Talk about progress.  I even made decisions to do nice things for him unbeknownst to him.   Now my running motivation is still my running motivation and I want to keep it because whatever helps, right, but we are not fighting over the previous stuff.  I take it as a win. 
I think I have finally figured out my mother's motivation for her "illness" as I will call it.  (Illness sounds better than craziness.)  She is deeply afraid that we will become her.  Her self loathing is extreme.  She figures if we are gainfully employed and have opportunities that she feels she did not have, we will be just fine.  The irony being, of course, that she did have opportunities.  Her other, deeper illness kept her from grabbing those opportunities.  The other irony is that we all have different paths.  The path she sees for me, is not the path for me. I have to follow my own path and make my own roads, and I am quite capable of doing so.  It the self doubt that she drilled into all of us that I think holds us back and is now holding my nephew back to a certain degree.  I realized over a year ago that I never really push myself.  I never take myself to my limits.  I can take an extreme amount of physical pain.  I totally internalize it.  Despite that fact, I never push myself physically and as physically fit as I was, that was very disappointing.  I was afraid to push myself.  Why?  Not because of the pain.  I can take it.  Hell, I took over 6 hours of a slipped disk without pain meds.  That was enough to make anyone seriously consider ending it all.  I was afraid because I was afraid to fail and not meet my own expectations and look foolish.  So I never pushed.  Here I am now running over 12 miles.  Is 12 miles my limit?  No.  I could have done another mile today.  Yes, I could.  I think 14 might have been my end today.  The point is that I am not so fearful of failing now.  Keep in mind that going into my run today (and mentally this started last night) I was leery about running for 2 hours.  I was seriously questioning if I could do it.  I ran for 1 hour and 48 minutes last week, but for some reason that extra 12 minutes was plaguing me.  That is what she did to me.  She makes me wonder and question and once you start that, you start to think it is just better not to try.  How awful is that? 
I have come in the last several hours as my realization hit to feel really sorry for her.  The self loathing has to be unbearable.  I do not hate myself.  I may wonder about myself a lot and doubt a lot.  After all, I am still very much a work in progress and I have 36 years of this junk pounded in my head, but I no longer hate myself and constantly think that I am doing everything wrong.  No longer.  So anyways, I am pushing and I am pushing on.  There is a lot I can do, and I know that now.