Already eaten too much crap

First Happy Easter.  I know it is a religious holiday for some and a Christmas like holiday for others.  For me, it is both.  I do not go to church, but I say a different type of prayer on Easter and feel more connected to the earth and life.  Maybe that is more of a naturalistic/universe type thing, but in my mind, we have the world we have because of God.  Easter always brings hope to me, hope after a long hard winter, and this winter was especially hard weather-wise.  I do feel like spring is on its way.  I look forward to the day in the next few weeks when I sit in the backyard and watch the pollen blow between the trees. 
I feel ill.  Crappy, sugary food no longer agrees with me.  I was so ready for it today and wanted it so badly, but now that I have had it, it does not taste like I remember and frankly, I do not want to feel like this any more ever again.  The candy will go and what sits here, I will not touch.  It just not enjoyable any more.  What I find enjoyable is seeing 132 on the scale and running a 26:44 5k which I did yesterday.  I am really proud of that.  I know it is not super fast or anything, but for me, it is an accomplishment.  I never thought I would get a 5k in under 27 minutes.  I did it.  I finally did it.  Next year under 26....maybe.  I am in the best shape of my life and want to get better. 
Life has taken a more interesting turn over the last few days.  I don't know.  It has been weird.  I love my husband and honestly for now, that is all that matters to me.  Sure I want him to adore me and tell me how much he wants me and feel that he finds me attractive and sexy.  What woman does not, but I am trying (and succeeding for the moment) to just make his love enough because I really do believe that he loves me.  I really do.
Spring is kind of the New Year for me.  It is always my re-birth, I feel.  (And I am trying to ignore the upper 50 degree days later this week....)  60 days from tomorrow I have a half marathon.  This summer I have another half and I want to go under 2 hours for it, and this fall I have a full marathon.  There are things I want to do this summer.  Goals that I want to hit and in order to do that, I have to eat right and take care of my body and lose these last 7 pounds and sleep and not stress and just love my family and friends.  I feel ready for those challenges more now than ever.  I love being 37.  Wow, ok, I hate the age and I hate the wrinkles (although my face is getting lasered Mon) but I love the freedom that comes with being 30 something.  I am finally after years and years of feeling terrible and not feeling good and hating myself and doubting everything that I know to be true, I feel like I am finding who I am and being the person I want to be.  She used to be so far away, but now I can see her in the distance.  She is still a ways away, but she is no longer so far away that I cannot hope to catch up.  I keep getting faster and that helps....

Can love grow as you age?

I always thought that romantic loved waned as you got older and were married longer.  At least that is what we are led to believe by the media and popular culture, right?  Why is it that I love my hubby more now than I ever have and things are not exactly easy with us these days.  We are both very busy and stressed from work and dealing with some issues from the past.  Do I love him more or have I just realized what loving him means?  I never really knew until recently.  I want to help him now more than ever. I want to support him and surprise him and help take care of him as a wife (not in a mom or controlling kind of way.)  I think he would say (whether I believe it or not these days if part of our on-going issue) he loves me more now too, and part of me really wants to believe that.  Ok, all of me wants to believe it.  Can I really dive right in and immerse myself in that belief?  Am I capable of doing that? 
Had a major panic attack today while running.  It was bizarre.  I am going to research on lactate build up and panic attacks because the attacks tend to happen around exercise for the most part.  I am still hoping it is a physical problem and not panic related!

What if you could be the person you want to be?

This question was posed this am on a show that I watched while I was running.  I have thought about this before.  I saw that person up close and there one am as I made breakfast several months ago.  I had her for a few hours.  It was such a great feeling.  I think about that person a lot.  It would be awesome to be that person day in and day out.  I am working to get there, but my mind always seems to be in the way.  Monkey mind they call it, the wandering of the mind.  I have a big problem with that.  There are very few minutes each day that my mind is not actively working and moving and sometimes my mind wanders into dangerous, not so good places.  Those places are not good for me, they are not good for my marriage, and they are not good for anyone or anything.  Even when my mind just wander and does not go all rogue and into not so pretty places, all of that thinking means that I am rarely truly in the moment.  The person I aspire to be is in the moment way more often than I am.  She just enjoys the moment some of the time.  She is kind and understanding and gives those she loves the benefit of doubt.  Work in progress, I guess.
This am I was trying to figure out if my pants not fitting was an illusion.  My mother-in-law bought me a great pair of short running pants.  I bought a pair also.  Both are too big.  I had to ask my hubby if I am way smaller than I thought or what.  I cannot figure it out.  I know I have lost some weight in the last 6 weeks, but my lower half has never been a small.  How can neither of these pants fit?  I just don't get it.  Either the pants run big or I am smaller than I thought.  The mirror definitely shows that I am thinner, but at 5ft 7in and 132 pounds, I am never really small.  I have always been a bigger person.  I grew up with two petite women.  How can I ever feel small?  Just tough to believe.  Will I always think of myself as fat or big?  Probably.
Last night we were talking about fears and my hubby said that one thing I am afraid of is getting fat.  That is very much true.  It is a fear that I have that haunts me quite a bit.  It is why I spend time obsessing over my workouts and how I can get more exercise in each day around work and taking care of the kids.  I don't want to get fat again.  The thought of it scares me.  The person I want to be is thin.  She is fit and takes care of herself.  Having been over 200 pounds, the fear of being that person again is real.  I hated that person.  She was miserable and she had no clue just how miserable she was.  I don't want to be her ever again. 

Truly believe that being bored causes insanity.

Yes, I truly believe that.  I am over it.  I am tired of being exhausted.  I am tired of being at the wall physically and mentally.  I am tired of looking for things to end.  Inevitably, I end up walking or running on the treadmill which does not entertain me like I would like.  I will likely clean the floor in a few.  At least I will have clean floors and occupy myself for a half hour or so.  My son needs a bath.  That will occupy me for a few minutes getting him settled in the tub.  I need to do laundry too.  I am so overwhelmed with what I have sitting at work.  It is not even funny how overwhelmed by the thoughts of it.  Not sure how I will cope with it tomorrow.  I have to find a way to get it organized the minute I get in so I do not go nuts.  I am starting to wonder if my son is ever going to get better.  I feel so overwhelmed by this illness.  It is definitely winning the battle in this house.  I am losing big time.  Last night was especially trying.  It was endless.  He cried from 8p to 10:30p.  He finally passed out, I think from complete exhaustion around 10:45 but was back up again at 11:30p.  At that point, I just gave up and let him sleep in my bed.  So basically, the best part of my day yesterday was in the car driving home from work where I ran into Target for 5 minutes and was rushing home.  At least I was alone in my own thoughts and not listening to a child crying down the hall or dealing with kids.  Maybe part of it is the weather, but I feel like I am going from one crappy week to the next and it is really starting to depress the hell out of me.  Last week was not good at all, and this week has been worse.  When does it end?  Will it ever end?  I am at the wall.  I cannot take another trying week.  I just want to run away...far, far away.  How many times have I written that in the last few weeks.  I just want to start running and keep going.  I am already exhausted, but I figure what the heck.  I have run through exhaustion before, right?  It is a skill all longer distance runners master at some point or they do not make it through the long distances. 

feeling beat down which is never a good thing

For me, it causes me to question everything.  Maybe that is wrong, but it just does.  I am physically, mentally, and emotionally just at the wall.  I am just exhausted and drained and am not sure that any of those tanks are filling up any time soon.  I could use a case of Red Bull about now.  I keep thinking it could be worse.  My 7 year old could be horribly ill....well, more so than he is.  Sometimes that helps, but it is not helping today or at this moment, at least.  I am just tired.  I am able to find the strength to exercise, but that is about it.  That is just to lose weight too.  The rest of the moments, I am just taking minute by minute.  At this point, it is all that I can do.  My head hurts all of the time.  Pretty sure that I am doing something wrong because nothing seems to be right.
So what will I do tomorrow?  Get up, get the kids up, get my daughter to school, tend to my son who is still sick, work out and do some work.  Same thing as today, but in a different order.  I am hoping to run tomorrow.  That will at least relieve some stress.  Fingers crossed!

Times like these I feel tested

I am not the best mom in the world, but I am not the worst either.  My wonderful son just gave me a heart attack.  Nothing like taking his temperature when he is sick and just getting a "hi" reading on the thermometer.  When I finally got a reading, I got 106.  I know it is just his body's reaction to fight whatever is invading his little body and all, but it really freaked me out.  I love him.  I don't want anything to happen to him.  I just want to make him better now!  It is not about work or staying home with him.  I just want him better.
The last few weeks have been very trying.  I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous break down on Friday.  The day picked up quite a bit when I got home, though.  I actually believe that things will be ok this time.  I really do.  I feel better and more fit now than ever.  I hit 132 last week so that is a move in the right direction.  I need to get my eating under control today, but I am around food more today than normal and seriously stressed. 
I talked with my mom over the weekend.  HUGE mistake.  The more I let go of my bitterness that I carried in the same manner she did, the more I want to scream at her over her bitterness.  If there is one thing I have learned over the last year, holding onto bitterness is not a way to live because it is not living.  Keeping score is not a way to live.  All that doing that does for you, is hold you back from life.  Who wants to live like that.  I want to immerse myself in life and breathe it in and enjoy it and live it.  Life is too short for sure!

Running until you die tired.

I am speaking metaphorically, of course.  I think every runner knows that physical running energizes your life in some way.  It might physically exhaust you, but it lifts you emotionally and mentally.  I look back and I know that I was running away from my problems and feelings and I was definitely going to die tired.  I see my mother coming to end of her years and she is exhausted.  Keeping up that facade is certainly exhausting.  I know because I lived it...at her request or rather make that her demand.  To keep pushing past feelings it is just so tiring.  Action she is all about action.  There is little reflection for her because you have to react immediately.  Waiting means that you are wasting time in her mind.  I think for her waiting allows her to think about her feelings and pain and that is not something she can handle.  I, too, was like that for a long time.  Times have changed.  Do not get me wrong.  I am not perfect with it.  I certainly push feelings aside that are overwhelming, but I try to talk about them more or at the very least, acknowledge them.  My therapist in the last few weeks has taught me that telling my husband my feelings even if they are crazy and overwhelming and wrong is ok.  I never thought that it would be ok to tell him some of my crazy, wrong feelings.  Rather, I just thought I crazy for feeling that way and needed to bury them further.  The burying, well, it does not get you anywhere.
The marathon looms bigger in my mind than ever.  I am scared.  I have to be down around 250 days or so now.  It seems so far away but I know how quickly the spring and summer go.  It will be here before I know it.  I need to start working on my plan for food at the very least.  I need to get one issue with it resolved.  I will be happy once it warms up so I can start doing long runs outside again.  I have started fantasizing about them already.  To feel the heat on my face as I run.  It just feels so good.  It is part of why I run.  To finish a long run and still have the strength to go do something that day.  That is also why I run.  I feel strong in those moments which is nice because I feel so weak at times and grew up feeling weak.  I think more and more these days about why I decided to run a marathon after saying that I never would.  I secretly think that I cling to why more and more since I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the thought of running 26.2 miles.  There are a hundred reasons, I am sure, but this am it hit me that I am doing it for the old me, the young me.  I want her to know that she turned out ok.  She never felt good enough or worthy of anyone or anything.  (Yes, I know that I still fight those feelings today...I am not that obtuse.  I am pretty self aware.)  I want her to see me finish that marathon and think, "Wow, I did that.  I really did that!"  This marathon is for her and for me.  The ironic thing is that my senior year quote in the yearbook was from Nolan Ryan who said, "The only one who you can't is you.  And you don't have to listen."  I spent years listening to myself about how I cannot do this or that.  Yes, part of the voice speaking was my mother, of course, but the beauty of growing up is that I can tune her out.  I don't have to listen to her either.