What do I want?

Watching an episode of Dr. Phil.  At the end of the exercise, he has each person go around and say what they want.  It got me thinking about what I want.  I am not talking about material things.  I mean the things I really want.  I want to be feel beautiful and amazing.  I want to feel loved for being a woman and being me.  I want to be able to show how deeply in love I am.  I want my husband to be able to feel how much I love him.  I want to be kinder to him.  I want to be less like my mother.  I want to keep my cool when my kids make me feel like a bad mother.  (That is when I get pushed over the edge.)  I want to help my daughter to stop yelling at everyone and losing her temper.  I want to figure out how to make my son care more about having fun and not be so afraid.  I am reading this book which is not very good, but lists the 8 aspects of your life and asks you to rate the stages of each.  Mine would be as follows:
1.  Career:  Very satisfying.  Would like less stress but that is the reality of my job so I work really hard to separate it from my personal life and not internalize everything which is hard.
2.  Health:  I run a lot, but I do not manage my eating disorder.  I binge eat all of the time.  I don't care of myself like I would like to and I am not happy with my body.  I am thin but would like to be thinner and would like to eat better to help my hormonal issues because I believe it would. 
3.  Fun:  I have fun a lot.  I try to enjoy everything that I and insert excitement into my life regularly.  I am serious when life requires it, but I know how to have fun.  I am greedy for it.  I wish my husband and I were able to have more fun alone. 
4.  Friends & Family:  I love my children and enjoy being with them.  I have a very close friend who I adore and admire.  I wish that I could be closer to my parents and siblings but that is not able to happen due to the family dysfunction.  There is nothing I change about the dysfunction and I will not tolerate it for my own mental health.  I am realistic about my family and accept that I cannot change them and I have a stable but distant relationship with them which is the best I can hope for. 
5.  Physical Environment:  I would like a cleaner house and I would like to finish my bathroom. 
6.  Personal Growth:  I tend to put my needs aside for others and then hold it against them with some.  I am working on that.  Therapy has been a big help.
7.  Money:  I do not care for material things so the money is fine.  I work so money is not an issue.
8.  Significant Other:  My hubby and I are working on ourselves which helps us work on our relationship.  It is a constant work in progress. 
So the next step is to figure out which items you need to work on first and what steps to do for those.
I would pick 2 and 8 and maybe 5....
Let's tackle the easier one first.
5.  I need to make a timeline for removing the rest of the wall paper from that bathroom and then pick a color and make a timeline for painting it.  The summer is not a good time for any of those activities because I prefer to be outside so I need to make a timeline that is realistic for that desire.  I need to make a timeline that gives me plenty of time to get the removal done since it frustrates me and I often need a break. 
2.  This number definitely influences number 8 so perhaps this one is more important than any of the other items at the moment.  I need to actively work on fighting my compulsion to eat.  How do I do that?  I try to stay busy but that does not keep me from walking by a jar of peanut butter and taking a scoop out.  I need to get out of that habit and it is a habit.  I need to do something else when I have the inclination to eat but am not hungry.  I need to think about why I am eating when I am eating and not hungry and think about what emotions I am feeling.  To help the hormones, I am trying to go low glycemic but there is a lot of fat in those foods so I do not know what to do.  The way I feel about my body has a large impact on my relationship with my hubby.  If I feel good about myself then I am not trying to pick myself apart and fit my feelings about myself into my relationship with my hubby which leads me to number 8.  I have this script in my mind that my hubby does not love me and is not attracted to me and he simply settled for me in marrying me and being with me.  I constantly look for things or situations in our daily lives to match that script.  Those things are reality to me.  Why do I do that?  I hate it.  It makes me miserable and makes him miserable and makes him feel bad about things that are either not that important or things that happened a long time ago.  So what do I need to do for #8?  I need to work on my health so that part is better.  I need to actively stop myself from looking for things to match the script in my head, and I need to stop bringing up sins of the past.  I would be horrified if he kept bringing up mine from the last 19 years.  I often think how horrible it must be for him.  Talk about awful, and I can be relentless...
So on to this week's goals:
1.  Eat smart.  I do have a half marathon tomorrow so I will eat a higher glycemic dinner than normal but I think that is allowed since I have to run 13 miles tomorrow.  After today, low glycemic and low fat and no missing workouts.  I need to be good to myself and take care of my body. 
2.  Stop bringing up sins of the past.  They hurt, yes, but they happened a long time ago and if the pain is still that intense (it is sometimes) I need to really look at why and think about if I am feeling that pain just so I can fit it into my script or if it is real. 
3.  Be kind and relent more often.  Talk with my hubby.  Forgive.  Not forgiving means bitterness and one of the things I hate most about my mother and I worry most about picking up from her is her bitterness.  I NEVER want to be like that so let it go. 

Pretty Scary

I am getting ready to embark on a completely different way of eating.   It is pretty scary.  The question always is with my eating disorder, can I stick with it?  Can I keep it up?  I have two very large motivators to keeping up with it.  One is hormonal, and the other is weight management.  Honestly, the hormonal part is a larger motivator than anything else right now.  I also have a feeling that once I get the hormonal part fixed, some of the weight management part will manage itself.  Maybe not, but research indicates some of that.  I have a week until my half marathon this year.  I am so not ready.  It makes me nervous.  The most I am really ready for is maybe 10-11 miles.  That last 5k might do me in.  My BFF says that walking is fine if we need to, but I really hate to do that to her. 
We are in our last 2-3 weeks of my son's baseball.  I am going to miss it. It will be nice not to have to run around town 3 days a week, but it has been great to be outside so much and to watch baseball games and to be around other adults at the game.  There are a lot of nice parents there.
Emotionally, I am feeling ok.  I am not happy with my body.  That is not helping.  It has been a rough week for the hubby and I.  We are very out of sync and it is not looking favorable to get back in sync.  He thinks that physical connections will help that.  I need the emotional connection to even think about the physical stuff.  Men tend to go down the wrong path.  I do not get it! 

Madness

I feel like every time my life spins out of control that I am two steps away from the flip side of my eating disorder.  Yes, part of me would like to lose a few pounds, but that side of the spectrum scares me.  I do not want to lose my hair.  I was blessed with great hair.  It is my only physical gift.  I do not want to ever lose it.  when the disorder and chaos hit, though, I do not want food.  Normal stress sends me to my food addiction and stress eating.  The madness and chaos send me to the other side.  Peanut butter, my favorite food, has no appeal today.  I have to run tomorrow so I will need to eat something at some point.  The good news is that this phase is usually quick.  Then I go back to stress eating.  Joy. 
Do you ever wonder why things turn out the way that they do?  I wonder from time to time why I was saved when I tried to kill myself .  That does not mean that I want to die now.  Quite the opposite actually.  I fear death.  I have so much left to do, but I do wonder if there was a reason I was saved.  I think that is normal.  Perhaps it makes me look for a purpose to life other than just doing the things that I want to do.  I do not know.