Time

Getting to the end of the summer.  I start to get depressed.  Another year gone.  Why does time move so fast?  In the winter, I guess that I do not mind so much, but in the summer, it haunts me.  What is worse is that this summer I have not taken care of myself.  Old bad habits have come calling.  Of course, I let them in like old friends.  It is hard.  I have make changes and I know it, but I always have a reason not to.  I am terrified of getting fat.  Terrified and I cannot figure out for the life of me why I cannot get myself into this one last area of just living and taking it as far as I can.  Why is food such a comfort for me?  I hate food.  I do.  I hate it.  I hate eating.  I hate the urge to eat and I hate my favorite foods.  I hate that when I tell people I need to lose weight they get all mad at me.  What is wrong with wanting to be a little smaller?  I am in the upper number of a normal bmi so why shouldn't I try to lose weight?  Haven't studies shown that thinner people live longer?  I am not in any danger of becoming anorexic.  I do not get it.  I guess that is part of it.  I cannot really talk to anyone about my desire to lose weight and be healthier.  I get the "Oh you can eat that because you are thin."  I am thin because I do not eat it, but I dig in anyways.  I sometimes feel like the world wants to fatten me up....hubby included.  Sorry, Babe, but it is true.  It is not your fault.  It is how society is wired today.  We always want food because it is fast and easy.  In any event, I am going to try to find an OA meeting around here so maybe I can rid myself of the binging and mindless eating.  Fat chance, but at this point, I am desperate. 
Best to my hubby today.  I know you will do great!  I am so proud of you.