Weird episode last night and 18 miles.

I did it.  I felt really good going into it.  Technically, I was only slotted for 17 today, but I really wanted to hit the 18, and I knew that going into it.  Yesterday I felt ready to do the full boat and then at 1a, my son comes into the room saying his stomach hurts.  Not unusual.  He does that when he wants to sleep in our room.  I tell him to go get his blankets.  What does he do?  Goes into the bathroom and throws up all over the toilet seat, plunger, and walls.  I got to spend the next 15 minutes cleaning it up.  That was joyful.  Then my daughter came in about 20 minutes later and said her tummy hurt.  I think I was up until 2a.  I did not want to run this am, but I did.  As I was out, it was painful not physically, but emotionally.  The whole time I wondered how my kids were so I came home and found that both made a miraculous recovery.  I finished my last 9 on the treadmill.  I got all 18 and then some in so I was happy.  Tired but happy.  Running 18 miles takes a toll on you.  I finally laid down after walking around a botanical gardens for an hour and felt better then.  I rode my bike a little tonight to work out some of the soreness.  I am going to be sore tomorrow, but I am ready.  I am a bit disappointed that I did not get all 18 outside, but as soon as I got home today, it was going to rain so I figured it was best to stay in.  Next weekend....19.  All I have to say is yikes!  Ok, make that 19 yikes!!! 
I was 135.8 yesterday and 133.8 today.  I know that the 2 pound loss is water weight so the interesting part will be to see what I weigh tomorrow.  If it is 136 or below, I am happy.  I want to get down to 130 by the end of July.  I am hoping it is doable.  I am working really hard.  Despite the huge calorie output today, I ate my normal calorie count.  It was not that hard.  No one wants to eat after running that far anyways!  Although. fat looks really good to me right now.  I am craving super fatty food.  Tomorrow's peanut butter breakfast should be good.  Lots of fat!
Just saw a beautiful lightning bug.  It is definitely summer!

And the trend continues

So is it the result of summer being here or just taking more control of my life and making better choices.  Good Lord, I hope it is the latter or fall is going to be ROUGH!  This am's breakfast is a nice egg, spinach and onion sandwich.  I desperately need iron so we are eating eggs these days.  I am not getting half of the iron I need each day and now that I have hit 35 miles a week running, I probably need more iron.  So the hubby and I are finally getting our groove back, I think.  He will know what that means.  As I was walking today, I could not help but be a bit bitter that this time last week, I was waking up at the beach.  Granted we were hours away from getting locked out of our room and the hotel folks could not get in either, but that is another story and it did not mar out time there.  Man, I love red onions just a little sauteed.
I get my first bikini wax next week.  That is going to be an interesting experience for sure.  Got the new bikinis too.  I love them! So I made the switch to Larabars.  I eat a nutrition bar once a day.  Most of them have soy as a base and since my hormones seem to have extreme reactions so soy, I usually try to avoid it as much as I can.  It is so much food, though.  I was eating these bars where it was the main ingredient.  Not good.  I started noticing that I was having trouble sleeping at night again.  (Well...as much as I sleep.  As it is post kid, I wake up at least once a night.)  I was up every 2 hours which is a sign that my progesterone is low which means that my estrogen is likely high again so I had to back off the soy products.  The Larabars are good because they are free of soy, but high in protein and have fiber in them.  They are just what I needed.  Thank you, Larabar makers! 
I am way behind on my Runner's World readings so I am still on the April issue.  It has an article about Kara Goucher and Shalane Flanagan.  It talks about how even though they are competitors, they are very good friends and how they train together and spend hours talking while running.  It reminded me of my BFF and I.  First, I get that my BFF and I are no where in the league of these two amazing women.  Second, my BFF and I are not competitive with each other.  We don't care.  It is not about that for us nor should it be.  What spoke to me was the fact that they run and talk.  My BFF and I can do that for hours.  We have done that for hours.  It is just such a nice way to spend a few hours run. 
This week I have 17.  That will translate into about 3 hours of running.  I feel as ready as I think I can.  The bathroom thing worries me, but I can always run home.  Tomorrow is going to be warm so lots of water will be necessary. 
No pool this weekend.  Got to let the hair grow out!

We are definitely in my season

Happy belated Summer Solstice.  Yes, I celebrate it as a holiday.  I had a party at work.  Next year, it is a Saturday and believe me, we will be partying at home.  Summer is me.  It just lifts my mood.  Ok, I suspect that some control over my neurosis is fueling this feeling too, but I am just going with it.  Why not?  I am determined to get down to 131 by the end of July.  I am working on it and it is going ok.  I am not giving numbers right now, but I will once we get closer. 
I loved being at the beach this past weekend.  It felt so much like home, and it was good to be there even with the stresses we had.  The summer and beach just speak to me.  It is just a different world.

Sick and mad

The world colluded against me.  I am too sick to run my 18 miles this am.  I am bummed.  I really wanted to run it today.  I felt ready.  I never feel ready.  Stupid head cold.  I was there today.  Maybe it would have hurt and maybe I would have been tired, but I would have loved it...not every second of it, but I would have loved it.  Next weekend.  A long run next weekend is a bit more difficult, but I want this feeling to continue.  I want to carry it through and go for it.  I don't want to be afraid or worry.  I was neither going into this weekend.  I did try too.  Sometimes running makes you feel better.  Not this am.  After a mile, I bagged it.  I am trying to let it go.  I did end up on a 5k bike ride with the kids, though, so maybe it is an ill win?  Unless I am dying tomorrow, I will walk in the am for a half hour.  Missing today's workout is so tough because I am pretty dedicated these days.  On to tomorrow where hopefully I am on the mend.
I was thinking tonight and we drove home and I think I have asked the question before.  Who is the real me?  Is it the version of the person I am now or is it the person I was 15 years ago?  Who at the core, is me?  I guess that is always the fear...the ultimate fear....what if the real me was that chick from 15 years ago?  How quickly could I fall back into being her?  That was the fear of the bulimia from earlier this week.  I did not know where it might end.  I am still not 100% sure, but a miraculous thing came out of it.  For the last week for the first time in my life, I stop eating when I am full.  Compulsively, I want to keep going.  I want to eat the kids' leftovers, but I don't because I am full and I know that eating those leftovers will just make me feel bad and gross.  Who knows if it will last, but for now, I am hoping it is a change for the better that came out of what was a difficult few days.  No one is perfect and I am not expecting to be that today, anyways.  I am trying to just live here and now.  Yesterday was not always good and tomorrow is not guaranteed.  I cannot go back and change the past and I am exhausted from trying to control the future so much. 

Not sure what today's number is

I do not weigh myself on Saturdays.  Yesterday I was 135.6 so that was good.  I will tomorrow before I run.  I have 16 miles tomorrow.  I did it the week before last so I know I can do it.  I might try to throw in an extra mile or two just for chuckles if I feel up to it.
I am really working on moving forward and not looking back.  It tougher but in some ways so much easier.  You don't have the day to day pain and constant questioning.  Harder to do, I guess, but the results are easier to handle if that makes any sense at all.
Dreary day to start.  It is supposed to get better.  I feel much less overwhelmed right now.  Hopefully that continues.  Hard to believe that this time last week, I was starting a half marathon--actually a half hour in.  Crazy!  Glad that am is over!

Progress

136.7 today.  That is despite the fact that I was not too careful with the diet yesterday.  I overslept today too, but was able to recover a part of my workout.  I was proud of myself for getting up and working out even though it was 50 minutes after I was supposed to have gotten up.  I truly slept like a log.  I did not even hear the alarm go off.  I really wanted to stay in bed with my hubby, but I got up and did a 3.45 mile walk/run.  I was glad that I got out of bed.  I knew that if I stayed that I would just feel bad for the rest of the day and that did not work.  I will get the rest of my workout in later today. 
Feeling good today.  Hoping that the binging stays at bay.  I have Crest White Strips to help if I desperate!  I am gearing up for my long Sunday run.  16 miles this week.

Better day

The last 24 hours have been a bit better.  Honestly, one big issue at work was resolved so I feel more in control of that area.  137.1,  Not perfect and today was not a good eating day, but no real binging and no purging at all.  I actually stopped eating dessert tonight after dinner because I was completely full.  Progress there.
I am really working hard at something.  I hope my hubby realizes it.  I feel like we had a total breakthrough last night with a realization I had.  It has helped me understand a bit more. 
Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.  I am at home for part of it which worries me.  Much more likely to binge, but fingers crossed that will not happen.

Diary of a scared, bulimic working mom?

The last 24 hours have been crazy.  I often feel suffocated.  The last 24 hours have been out of control.  I am obsessed with tornadoes.  I always have been so I find it ironic that I feel like things are whirling around me out of control and that is everything.  I feel suffocated by it too like I cannot breathe anymore.  I keep thinking that I have to take control somewhere at some point, but that never seems to happen or it seems like any attempts I make at that, just fail or are short lived. 
The realization that the bulimia is back is hard.  I am having a difficult time dealing with it right now.  I made it through yesterday without purging, but I was not binging at all and there was not really a point for me to binge so there was no trigger.  I wanted to binge, but I was able to hold off.  My head was so foggy today that I did not warm up for my speed run like I normally do.  I just jumped into 8 mph right away.  Normally I do 6mph for a half mile.  Not today.  I just was not thinking right.  Ironically enough, Duran Duran's Ordinary World is playing on my iPod right now.  I hope I can find that ordinary world.  I just do not know what happened in the last 9 months other than life so is it life that has me messed up.  Why now?  I keep asking myself that. 
138.9 pounds.  Better than yesterday so I will take it.  I hit my workout today and yesterday so I am happy.  I will not miss tomorrow since it is a gym day with my BFF.  If I can just keep control of the exercise then maybe I can weather this.  I keep telling myself that.  I hope it is true. 
Fingers crossed that today is another day of recovery and no binging or purging.  I am too old to purge.  My throat is still not quite back to normal.  It will be tomorrow, thankfully.

The start

Today's weight is 138.2.  I love the summer.  I crave it.  We have it this weekend even though it is still early June so I went out and walked.  Some running folks may believe I was better off resting, but I could not resist the lure of the sun coming up at 5a, the warm breeze, and the humidity.  I love it.  Anyone who has been to the beach with me would agree that at heart, I am a beach girl, after all.  I just wanted to work out the kinks from the half yesterday and enjoy these short lived am's that we get so early this time of year.  I am so glad that I did.  My neighbor was getting ready to go for a ride on his bike. We chatted for a sec and then he said, "Have a good run" before he rode off.  Those words actually inspired me to run a little.  Not much.  I walked a mile, ran a mile and walked a mile.  I did not do anything too taxing, but I am glad that I ran a bit.  It felt good and despite the fact that I ran 13 miles yesterday uphill most of the way, I do not feel sore.  The only thing that really hurts are the side of left foot and a toe that will soon turn black.  (Runners know the deal that baby.)  I am making a nice breakfast of "healthy" pancakes.  I have to find some other snack than these Clif bars.  They are really good, but the soy in them will kill me hormonally speaking so I need to look for other alternatives that have low sugar, high fiber and protein. 
I realized last night that the things that my hubby and I need to do to meet in the middle are the things that are the hardest for us due to the exact issues that are the reason why we don't already meet in the middle.  I think we both take significance and find hope that we send out jabs of what the other person needs.  It is progress.  I tend to discount things that are not major changes, but I am learning to appreciate these subtleties. 
Tomorrow's workout...maybe speed run or maybe just a short few miles.  I usually do the speed runs on Tues, but this week I am kind of messed up since I did my long run yesterday.  Honestly, it was nice to have no pressure of a long run today.  It is nice once in a while.  Next weekend is another 16 miles.  I get pretty jazzed about the upper teens.  Just makes me feel strong. 
I want to thank my BFF.  This weekend was significant for me.  I have never done the girls night away or even the girls evening away.  It was nice and it was so nice to just be a friend and not a wife or mother for a bit.  I learned a lot about her and I think she learned a lot more about so thank you, BFF, for everything.  You have enriched my life in ways that I can never really explain.  I admire you so much and enjoy our friendship.  It is a lovely thing to have! 
Off to make "healthy" pancakes.

One half marathon down and maybe another to go...

Not a stellar time today, but it is done.  It was meant to be more fun than anything else anyways.  Happy belated Birthday to my BFF.  This was her birthday trip so we wanted to enjoy it.  Hubby did ok with the kids.  I am actually kind of impressed, but that is another story.  So I lived it up today and had two slices of pizza, onion rings and a beer and half.  Talk about living it up...I never drink. 
Starting tomorrow, I am going on a health run and counting every single freaking calorie and workout.  I warned the hubby.  It may not be too fun for him, but I think he will get used to it.  I cook so I am not sure that he has a choice anyways.  (Love you, Babe.)  I want us to be our best and I think we can accomplish that with some small tweaks in our diet.  It is no secret that I am not very happy with myself, and only I can fix that, right.  Here is what I promise.  Tomorrow am, I weigh myself and post it and keep track at least once per week along with logging my workouts here.  Think it will keep me honest and on track?  We will see.  I do make one more pledge to myself.  The sugar and the candy.  Gone.  I will refrain from the candy.  It is just added sugar and I consume too much sugar as it is so no more candy.  I will do the performance gummies or beans for running the long runs to which I am back next week, but other than that, I am off of it.  No more alcohol either, but I do not really drink anyways. 
In the meantime, my beer was awesome, the pizza tasted so good, and the onion rings were nice and greasy, just the way that they should be and I feel no guilt about any of it...for once.  Tomorrow may bring the guilt, but I am hoping to focus on what I can do going forward instead.