The butterfly in the garden

On Monday I found a black swallowtail butterfly just dead in the garden. It was huge and beautiful. I picked it up and kept it on the side table of the grill. I felt sad. I have never had that happen before--you know, just to randomly find a dead butterfly in the garden. It was fitting considering what happened the next day. My cousin, the one who was diagnosed with cancer in March, died on Tuesday. I wanted to go see him this past weekend because I wanted to talk to him one more time before he died, but my aunt and uncle asked that no one travel up there this holiday weekend so I did not. I now regret it. By the time I got there on Tuesday afternoon, he died. I did get to see him. It is so cliche, but he was a ghost of his former self, literally. He was very pale and extremely thin. My aunt said that he went from 230 back in March to 142 the last time they weighed him last week. How awful that is. Today the shock wore off. He is really gone. I am exhausted emotionally, physically, and mentally. I ate my usual pint of Ben and Jerry's yesterday. I thought for sure that I would be up in weight. Nope. I was 141.5 today. It is funny what stress does, is it not. I do not know how you bury a child. How does one do that regardless of his age. My cousin was 39. His mother is understandably devastated. I feel so bad for my aunt. I am angry at myself for not going to see him this past weekend. I just wanted to hear his voice one more time. To hear him laugh. Brian was one of the most fun people I knew. He was smart, kind, caring, very witty, and just a great gentleman all around. Those who knew him were lucky. I was lucky. During my wedding rehearsal, he stood in for a missing bridesmaid. Most men would be offended to do so. Not Brian. He played the role and thought it was amusing. He liked beer and liked the Polish connection he had. He and I shared an interest in our eastern European heritage. He would tell you like it is. He was not one for a facade. I liked that about him. He was special.
I do not want to remember him the way he looked when I last saw him, but it is burned in my mind. I held his hand one last time. It was the first time I touched a dead body. It was strange. I prefer to remember Brian smiling and laughing and even drinking. Brian always had fun or something interesting to talk about. That is just who he was. I spoke with him once a year, but I will miss him for sure. At the end of the day, I just always knew if I needed him, he would be there and knew that at some point in the future we would spend some time drinking beer and laughing again so at some point, I will have an Oktoberfest beer and drink to him, and maybe I will really finally learn how to do the Polka.
The garden is thriving. I have been watering a lot due to the lack of rain. I have two regular pumpkins, two jardale pumpkins, one big moon pumpkin, a bunch of tomatoes and a few watermelon growing. I have been killing squash bugs left and right. It is pretty gross, but I have to protect the garden.