To my wonderful husband,

I wanted to explain a few things more depth regarding some of the things we talked about last night, and I want to do it without 50 interruptions from the kids so today my blog is for you. (I tried writing it out on paper, but I think way faster than I write and type too, but at least you can read this.) Anyways while I was running this am, I was thinking about you and what you said last night about how when we have had traumas in our marriage, we have come together. I dismissed you saying we have not had any. I was in a negative mood last night, and I apologize for that, and I was wrong. Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs. We dealt with the miscarriage, yes, which was devastating to me, but I see that bright light who comes into our room every morning and calls me momma, and know in my heart and soul that he is the child we were meant to have. He is going to be a wonderful man one day. I already know that and am so proud of it. I would not go back and want that day changed that day in our life ever. I would wash myself in that pain again and again to see him smiling every day.
We also had to deal with your possible job loss and for me, that was terrifying, but I got through it because I realized that as long as I had you and the kids, I could live anywhere and do anything. It did not matter at the end of the day. It still does not. I love this house, but I want you and need you and the kids. That house is just a shell.
I think when I think terms of the most difficult time in our lives together, I think of the time before our marriage. I think about you as a 23 year old kid not knowing what or even who frankly you were going to come home to each day. How awful that must have been. I carry the burden of that every day still. I never doubt your love for me because of that time. You could have and should have said, "I am done. Get your life together and then call me." You did not. I know it was because you were in love with me and that just was not an option. It took a lot of courage and just tenacity to continue to love me and want to be with me because you sure as hell were not getting a lot back in general.
The bottom line in our marriage is that we were very young when we got married, so we grew up together. Think about how much we have changed and how different we are. Our relationship has changed so much in the 11 years of our marriage. I feel that it is marriages that stay stagnate that have issues and ultimately fail. I think the reason I get frustrated when someone gives us marriage advice is because I want to look at them and say, "Been there, done that. You have no clue what has gone on our in short lives together and we got through it so I am pretty sure we will be ok." It is just how I feel. We will get through it, and we will get through what is going on now too. I know you feel it--my slowly pulling away that is. I need you to be there for me. Without that, I cannot trust, and if I cannot trust I cannot fully immerse myself in us, and I really want to do so. The last few months have been wonderfully amazing. It has been been glorious, and I would much rather immerse myself in the glory of being completely and utterly in love than just getting by each day as husband and wife and parents to our children. I love you so much. I look forward to every day of the rest of our lives together and all of the wonderful things we will do as a couple and with our family. We are lucky, and I know it.