Stuck in neutral

That is how I feel most days.  I cannot get ahead.  I am always running behind or just idling.  There is so much I want to do and I just never seem to be able to get there.  Take this marathon for instance.  I was supposed to run it last year, but here I am a year later, and it still looms ahead.  Will I run it?  Until I am at the start line, I will not quite believe it.  I keep worrying that I will get sick or something will happen to keep me from running it. 
My uncle died on Wednesday.  Well, one of my uncles died on Wednesday.  My other uncle died over a month ago.  I had no idea until Wednesday that my other uncle had also died.  We do not deal well with death in my family.  The trend continues.  The funeral Monday should be interesting for sure.
Why I am so stuck?  It has to be me and nothing else.  What do I need to do differently?  I wish I knew and if I really know, then I wish I would just shut the hell up and do it. 
I find myself trying to lean more on my husband now than is my normal inclination.  It feels awkward.  It is just something I am not used to and not completely comfortable with.  I am reading Gone Girl.  It makes me really think about the personalities we take on.  My is "sturdy Tif."  I am pretty much that person with everyone.  I am supposed to be strong and sturdy and have no needs and have no wants or desires.  I am supposed to be sit by and be happy with what I am given.  I am not supposed to want anything.  I am supposed to be content.  How f-ing boring is that?  I want to scream at those (everyone) who expects me to be that way and ask if they too would be satisfied living like that?  At the end of the day, I am supposed to be dependable, adaptable and malleable based on anyone and everyone else's needs and I am supposed to smile and be extremely gracious when a morsel of something good comes my way.  It pisses me off.  I work too hard to find that acceptable.  I see my daughter growing up and I hope for her, that she never feels those expectations from anyone.  My son too for that wish.  I worry more about him than I do her sometimes.  He is so freaked out by confrontation and is easily swayed.  My daughter not so much.  Her only danger, though, is that she is a girl.  We treat girls so differently.  You have to be thin, beautiful, smart, and accepting of anything a man throws your way regardless of who he is and what it is.  Tough one on both ends for both of them.