I used to be

I used to be different.  I used to be bold, daring, and fun and not so afraid of everything.  I would not go so far as to say that I was audacious, but I pushed the limits to the point where I was popular and likeable at the same time.  That is hard to be.  We hate most popular people because they are not always nice and usually think that they are better than everyone else.  I was never like that.  I wanted to like everyone and have everyone like me in kind.  I am still fun from time to time, but I have fallen far away from being bold in a fun way.  I remember when the change happened.  I do.  I remember after it happened thinking, "What happened.  I used to be this way or that way."  That was the winter of my senior year of high school.  I remember wondering more than once what the hell happened. 
Tonight I was compelled to dig up the box of memorabilia that I have from high school to find something I need this week pre-marathon.  I knew it would help me.  I needed it.  First of all, I found more than one box of memorabilia.  I have one from college and then one from when I had my son.  I managed to find my high school box.  On the top of the pile was a picture of my cousin, the one who died 3 years ago.  Considering the picture was taken when I was already married and living in the same city I live in now, I do not believe that was an accident that it was on the very top of the stuff in this box.  There were pictures of my son and the purchase agreement for our current house, but my high school stuff was down on the bottom.  There I found the papers that I needed.  What I also found, though, surprised me.  There were things that I have kept over the years as an adult that showed glimpses of the bold, daring, fun girl I used to be.  There was a crazy article I tore out of Forbes back when I had my subscription.  It was about Peeps of all things and how people were obsessed with them and would have Peep Wars.  (It actually led me to trying a Peep War at work about 6 years ago.  Our microwave there has a black cover over the window so that idea sank quickly...unfortunately.)  I also found the paper from the new about Apollo's Chariot when they were building it in Williamsburg.  I am not sure why I kept it, but I did.  When I saved it, I had never ridden a rollercoaster and was pretty sure that I never would.  I did eventually and still do even riding the largest, fastest rollercoaster at Kings Dominion. 
I found what I was looking for, the six acts of Love as written by Nike from their Women's Source Book.  I could not find a date on it, but I had to have cut it out in high school most likely from  Cosmopolitan magazine or something like that.  I did not run back then and if you had told me at that point that eventually I would run, I would have laughed in your face and bet you a million dollars that it was a hobby that I  would never take up.  Here I am, though, 5 days away from that marathon and desperately still trying to get back to that girl who was bold, fun and daring and unafraid to speak her mind, give her opinion, or be who she was.  So what happened that fall that made me change?  I still wonder.  I always will or maybe somehow, I already know....
As I sit here thinking about the chance finding of my cousin's face staring back up at me from a pile of paper and no other pictures with it, I wonder if knowing what happened changes anything, and I wonder why I am so afraid to run a race that has been in the making for almost two years now.  I wonder if I will finish and if I finish, will other judge my time and why the thought of that totally freaks me out.  I think of Brian who would give anything to be alive.  I think of Brian who would had he have a chance to live all over again, would not waste time on being afraid of anything. 
On a side note...140.9 and a week with no binging and purging.  This week will be tough as I have to carb load some.  I typed in the calorie count for the calories I will burn and it freaked me out.  I am just trying to find that balance now if I can.  Balance has never been my strong suit.  I still am, just like that girl in high school, an all or nothing kind of girl....