Life has been ok...

I have finally stopped gaining weight and have managed to move the needle down a little.  It is not totally what I want, but it is better than going up.  I have thrown up once in the last 30 days which I consider a victory.  The control over the food has been a constant battle, but some days, I win it so I am happy about that.  I am still not able to exercise the way I would like, but I should be back to pre-injury state in the next 30 days which is good.  Today I did 8 miles running on the treadmill and did speed intervals at the end.  The fact that I did them at the end, makes me feel good.  I did the last mile at 1 mph faster than the previous 7 which makes me happy but also tells me that I am not pushing myself enough as I run.  I definitely need to challenge myself more.  My foot hurts on and off.  Sometimes, the pain and tightness goes back to my calf. I keep hoping it will go back to the calf and just stay there.  I am working on strengthening the gluts and hoping that will help.  NASCAR started last night which makes me happy.  It feels like spring might be coming in sooner rather than later.  I look forward to the start of racing because it signifies the end of winter for me.  A little over a month to go now.  I think I can make it. 
Interesting enough, my hubby bought a mirror for me for Christmas so I can look at myself full length.  In it, I look thin.  How sad and amusing it is that I think the image is due to the angle of the mirror and not how I really look.  It is true.  Not quite sure how to fix that or what to make of it, but it is real. 
I decided that I am going ahead with the tummy tuck.  I see the winners on the Biggest Loser and I know the secret they hide, the extra skin that hangs from their weight loss.  It is time to get rid of mine.  I want to do it while I am still young enough to enjoy it.  This year is the time. 
I am watching my daughter more and more and seeing how she perceives the world.  I have to be careful not to pass on my issues about body and self-image to her.  Right now she thinks she is amazing and wonderful and I hope she spends her lifetime feeling that way.  I started reading a book about mothers who cannot love.  My own mother is defined in that book over and over again.  I cannot do some of the exercises in the book that are supposed to shake the feelings of inadequacy that come from mothers who cannot love, but the book has made me think more and more how the excuses I always provided for my mother should not prevent me from feeling anger over the things that she did.  I struggle these days with how to maintain a relationship with her and what I want out of it. The reality is that I cannot have the relationship I want with my mother, and because of that, I don't want one with her.  I would honestly prefer to cut her out of my life, but the guilt pulls me back constantly so I try to keep her at a large distance, but the hassle of even dealing with her on a very limited basis sends me into a tailspin of stress.  It would just be easier not to deal with her at all.  What bothers me even more is that I would love to have a relationship with my siblings, but that would mean engaging with my mother more and that is something I am not willing to do.  I don't know what the answer is.  All I know is that I am tired of feeling guilty, afraid, and worried.  My children want to go ice skating today.  I keep worrying that they might fall and hurt themselves.  It is almost enough worry to keep me from taking them.  I do not want to be afraid.  I loved ice skating as a child.  I want them to go and enjoy like I did growing up.  I don't want to be afraid.