Madness

I feel like every time my life spins out of control that I am two steps away from the flip side of my eating disorder.  Yes, part of me would like to lose a few pounds, but that side of the spectrum scares me.  I do not want to lose my hair.  I was blessed with great hair.  It is my only physical gift.  I do not want to ever lose it.  when the disorder and chaos hit, though, I do not want food.  Normal stress sends me to my food addiction and stress eating.  The madness and chaos send me to the other side.  Peanut butter, my favorite food, has no appeal today.  I have to run tomorrow so I will need to eat something at some point.  The good news is that this phase is usually quick.  Then I go back to stress eating.  Joy. 
Do you ever wonder why things turn out the way that they do?  I wonder from time to time why I was saved when I tried to kill myself .  That does not mean that I want to die now.  Quite the opposite actually.  I fear death.  I have so much left to do, but I do wonder if there was a reason I was saved.  I think that is normal.  Perhaps it makes me look for a purpose to life other than just doing the things that I want to do.  I do not know.