My moment in time

So I had definitely built up this past weekend as a special weekend when maybe I would get the one moment I have spent the last 38 years looking for.  Maybe not 38 years.  Probably more like 31 or 32.  Everyone wants that special moment in time when they feel amazing and on top of the world.  I finally realized today what that moment is for me.  It sounds horribly shallow, but growing up how I did, it is not surprising at all.  I want that moment where I am beautiful and I know it.  I really worked hard and spent more money than I have to make that happen.  It still escaped me so I am starting to truly believe that I am the problem.  My hubby wonders why I cannot feel attractive.  How can I when the end result is the same and the one thing that is always the same is me.  My mother was probably right.  I am not attractive and no one will ever find me attractive.  It is what it is, right. 
It made me think about the moments when I do feel attractive.  I feel thin and good and happy.  I am going to put it all out here in a very shallow and superficial way.  It is kind of scary because I know I will be judged by others as much as I judge myself for it.  We are all constantly told to look past looks, but yet we are constantly inundated with beautiful pictures of beautiful people.  Does not make a lot of sense to me, but I do not get to design the world...
In any event, I feel attractive when I am thinner.  My weight fluctuates between 139-142 pounds.  I felt great a year ago at 132.  I felt thin and wonderful and so close to the 130 pounds I desire.  There have been days this year when I felt good too and those were days that I felt in control of my eating in ways that I know helped me get to my weight goals.  I controlled the food.  Not the other way around which is how so many of my days go.  I hate the out of control eating  because it keeps me from my goal of feeling beautiful and amazing.  It is all self sabotage.  I hate myself for that. 
I also feel attractive when I am dressed in tight fitting clothes.  I feel sexy and that makes me feel better.  I am a mom of two young children.  My days of wearing those clothes are dwindling.  What then?  I rarely get dressed up and despite wearing one of the prettiest dresses I have worn in a long time this past weekend, I felt dowdy and awkward.  No one other than family really wanted to talk to me.  Maybe I come off as aloof because I tend to be shy and that is why.  I do not know. 
I keep thinking and wondering what else I can do.  I wore a beautiful dress and had my hair done (which I did not like by the way.  It was not what I asked for and as I walked out of the hair salon 50 minutes before the wedding, I had no time to ask them to fix it.)  Maybe that was part of it too.  I put my make up on in the car.  I had to get dressed in 2 minutes to run back out the door to go to the wedding and the stress certainly weighed on me.  I thought having my hair done would be wonderful.  I thought I would love it.  I did not since it was not what I asked for and let's face it, my make up was thrown on in the car.  I take more time for my make-up before I go to work! 
I am certain that there is not an answer here.  This is more just venting and trying to figure out what I am doing wrong or maybe just accepting the truth about me.  I don't know.  I guess ultimately, I am just tired of wondering and worrying about it.