is that it goes on and on and on. Maybe more these days I am looking for a better version of myself. Whatever it may be, life is definitely changing. I finally admitted the truth to myself and to my hubby. It was by far one of the most liberating things I have ever done. It will sound silly to type it here, but it was something I would not have articulated before even if I knew it and scared the crap out of me. I love my husband. (It is not that.) The love I have for him is so strong that I would rather spend every day with him unhappy than to be without him because being without him is misery to me. It just would not be worth it. It is hard truth because it gives him power and forces me to rely on someone else for love and attention. It was so liberating to admit it to myself and to him. It was like a huge weight was lifted and with it, I could support him and not be afraid that supporting him meant that I was weak and gave him power over me. The truth is that he does have power over me just by the sheer fact that I love him. That is part of loving someone. You give up some power and become vulnerable to being hurt. I may get hurt by him at some point in the future (there is almost a 100% certainty that I will,) but I would rather hurt from loving him than from hiding the fact that I love him so much. These may seem simple, but these are all relatively new things to me. Again, quite liberating.
Another big change has happened. I have pretty gone on an anti estrogenic diet. It is Paleo with some legumes but no cashews or peanuts. I have up dairy ages ago so none for me there. I have lost 5 pounds already and feel a whole lot better. The running has suffered but I read that it takes 3-4 weeks for your body to adjust and I am still in that time frame and each week is getting better with the running. I started to have performance anxiety during runs and that started my issues. It gets better week to week. Tomorrow is a run day so I am hoping that trend continues. I have started some light cross fit too which I LOVE! It is a lot of fun. I have some new exercises that I have added into my daily routine that really work the legs. Anything to help the running. Physically I feel better than I have felt in 10 months. My rings fit again as I am no longer retaining water by the end of the day and I no longer obsess about food. That has been the biggest gift of this "diet!" It is true. Eating carbs and sugar makes you crave carbs and sugar. I no longer think about what I am going to eat and when I will allow myself to eat it. I have been a food addict for over 30 years and finally I feel a little less tied down by my compulsion to eat. THAT IS HUGE! I feel good and I feel like I look better. We will see where this takes me but it seems to have a positive effect on my hormonal issues too. I am still so early in as I am in the first cycle of eating like this, but so far so good it seems.
Summer Solstice is almost here. It is my favorite holiday!
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