Not happy

I know I should be, but I am not.  Today's run was rough.  I was over 2 hours and 11 minutes.  Nice that I was 4 minutes slower than my August run.  My IT band was definitely bothering me, but I just did not have it in me today.  I knew that going into the week.  I was nervous about the race all week.  That is why.  I just want to know what I am missing for these runs.  I train every week and have no problem and just go out and run.  Why is it different during race time?  What changes for me?  Most people run better during race time.  I do not.  Why?  This race was unlike any race I have ever run.  There were way more people than I have become accustomed to during races.  The largest race I have done prior was capped at 1500 people and I do not believe that the race even hit 1500.  I need to figure out how to run my race come race day so that I am not so disappointed.  I spend so much time preparing.  I just don't want to feel disappointed after a race.  So many miles run and disappointment.  No one wants that. I want to feel good.
The rower we got is awesome.  So happy to have it.  I love rowing each day and will hopefully continue back with that tomorrow.  It is such a luxury to be able to roll out of bed and hit the machine.  I had PT on Wed of this past week.  Jason killed me.  My right hip was sore for 2 days after.  He had some suggestions on how I need to row a bit better.  I will do ask he recommends.  That should help the hip alignment. 
Part of being a woman my age is figuring out who you are.  Funny that it happens to women so much later in life.  I wonder when it happens for men.  Hopefully it does not make the hubby do anything crazy.  I know the person I was in the past.  I know who I want to be, but the person now...well, I am not so sure about her.  I need to figure that out and then figure out who to make that leap to the woman I want to be.  Well, and then figure out why race day is so tough for me...
I just want to say that I have the most wonderful husband and co-workers.  The hubby brought the kids to see me along the trail twice. I knew I would see them around mile 7.  I did not expect to see them again.  It meant so much to me so see my kids again.  My kids looked so proud.  It is a great feeling.  Most of my co-workers have checked in with me too which is very sweet.  What a nice group of people with whom I work.  I am very lucky, no doubt. 
I cannot believe that Thanksgiving is closing in.  I look forward to it every year.  I love the beer drinking I do along with my rice krispy treat turkey.  I might actually load up a pic of the turkey this year just for chuckles. The three beers it takes for me to keep a buzz all day is quite amusing.  I am such a lightweight.  I am definitely having a beer tonight!  I need to figure out what my next big thing is.  What race will I run next?  I know I have a 5k on Dec 1, but I can do a 5k in my sleep.  That is not enough to challenge me.  My BFF plans to do a 15k mid January, but I am not sure that cold weather training is for me.  I need to figure that one out.