Pool party

We had a pool party today with the blow up pools.  It was allegedly for my hubby's birthday which was yesterday but it was more for the kids than anything else.  I trucked around in a 2 piece.  At first I was a little uncomfortable, but then I felt a little better the more I wore it.  I know my body is ok and passable so it became easier as the day wore on.  I was more nervous about the neighbors judging me than anything else.  I do not know why I worry so much about that, but I do.  I was not indecent or anything, but I still worry.  Trucking around in a 2 piece is just not something I think they would do.  After a while, I just decided to own it and be that person who trucks around in a 2 piece when the family is playing with the pools.  That made it a bit easier.  I get so nervous about being "that neighbor," you know the one who cares about how she looks and such.  Then I realized that I am that person.  I care about how I look very much.  The only difference is most women who care about their appearance care about other men noticing them.  For me, there is only one gentleman that I care about noticing me and that gentleman sleeps in bed with me every night. 
Speaking of that gentleman, I think we made some progress last night.  For the last year I would say, things have either been great with us or terrible.  I finally told him that I am damaged and that if he chooses to stay with me, he has to accept a certain part of that.  I am working on my flaws, but they will always be there at the core of it.  I will not always deal with situations as normal people would.  He has to accept a certain amount of that.  Our discussions forced me to really talk to him about some of my issues.  One of the issues we talked a bit about was the bulimia.  I always thought I was cured of bulimia even though I rationally know that you are always a bulimic once you go down that path.  In talking to him, I realized that the reason I am so controlled with how I eat is because if I binge, I will purge.  I avoid binging so I never had to purge.  Funny how that works.  There have been days when I have binged, obviously, in the last year.  One I did purge.  The other one, I just dealt with it.  I used to binge and purge anytime he was traveling for work.  Now I just do not eat.  That has resolved that issue.  So I guess I finally buy it.  Once a bulimic, always a bulimic.  It is true! 
Anyways, back to the hubby and I...I think we are finally to a point where we have established some trust again.  It may not be a ton of trust, but it is there.  We need to take what we can get for now so I am happy. 
I have a 9 mile run tomorrow.  I am very much looking forward to it!  It will be great to have that alone time.  My alone time in my head on Thurs was not very good.  The rower was not working too well so my mind was elsewhere.  Tomorrow is the perfect time to allow my mind to just go as my feet just go themselves.